Sister-in-Law and Facebook

[EWAB]

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

It's fine for her not to want you as FB friends. But she could have explained it very differently, rather than making it clear she didn't want to have you in her life.

I have close family members who a) I haven't friended or b) haven't friended me. Only one of my daughters has me on FB, for example. The other doesn't really want to see my interactions with my friends and thinks it would be a bit weird!
I also turned down any friend requests from colleagues. Not because I didn't like them (some of whom had been my friends as well as colleagues for 20 years) but because I didn't want the ripples from it, and couldn't have some colleagues and not others.

In all those cases I made it clear that it was nothing personal, and that it was just how I arranged and compartmentalised my life. The conversation was had with warmth and some regret, and no-one took offence at all.

Bit daft of her not to just accept and then keep you on a restricted list. But at least she's open and honest with you OP.

Bit daft of her not to just accept and then keep you on a restricted list. But at least she's open and honest with you OP.

I don’t think it’s daft. I think she was taking this opportunity to lower expectations and keep her in laws at arms length.

A bit insensitive but I hope her DH is doing the same to her family and not forging any friendship with her siblings either. And when they try to make friends he responds with “sorry, you’re your sisters family and I have my own”.

How childish and unnecessarily hostile.

I can’t get upset about this tbh

When my sister was arguing that our partners be invited to his wedding he said that if he invited people close to us they wouldn’t have room for people close to him.

I don't blame her for keeping your sister at arm's length, and tbh I think she's right to keep things distant.

Some of my relatives by marriage are lovely and i have a fair bit of contact with them, some of them i stay well clear of and wouldn't dream of wanting them anywhere near my fb.

She obviously doesn't want to get close, give her the space she so obviously wants.

Good for her. Why should she do the wife work?

Also your sister sounds like a nightmare. Who argues with someone about the other person's wedding guest list?! Batshit...

@harriethoyle

Good for her. Why should she do the wife work?

Since when has being a Facebook friend been wife work?

As I mentioned before, it's perfectly possible to be open, friendly, warm, and accepting of your inlaws without having to do 'wife 'work'. I know because I managed it with no effort at all.

I am not friends on FB with my in laws, they were horrible to me over our wedding and had people who were mutual friends twisting things I had said. So its a no from me.

Shock horror I don't even have their mobile numbers or house numbers in my phone - if I need them I can get hold of them.

YABU. You have said she is perfectly lovely when you are with her so I can't see what the problem is.

Some sis in-laws are best to stay away from, they just toxic. When my brother got married, don't think his wife realised how much you can actually hear in new build homes, we heard conversations of her on the phone to her friends or family tell blatant lies about her in-laws(us). Never knew how much people could lie.

I have another sis in law from my husbands side, she thinks she's some queen who has no time for any of us, it will take her 3-4 working days to respond to a mssg from any of us.

I see other people have amazing sister in-laws, go shopping together, go for meals etc I really wish I had that relationship except I've been blessed with the worst bunch 😩

So “wife work” is defined as scrolling through social media and when the odd photo of your nieces or nephews pop up clicking like. How very draining for her

I think if you have a horrendous personal experience of intrusive or overbearing behaviour, it's a natural defensive response to ensure it never repeats by putting in very strong boundaries that may seem extreme to others.

I'd assume she had an ex whose family drove her insane and she's making sure it never happens again by keeping a polite distance. Your sisters reaction to not having her FB request accepted has just proven her right.

None of my partners family have me on Facebook - to be honest it’s a relief.
Families rely too much on Facebook as a substitute for real life interaction (if even just by telephone) and take it to heart when they’re not included... but why would you want your family knowing everything? I’m with SIL in many respects. Not everyone wants to adopt their inlaws when they get married. She married your brother not you, your sister or your mum.

@PersonaNonGarter

She was rude. Being friends on Facebook is hardly a great privilege. It was quite an assumption.

She would have been within her rights had your sister actually asked about wife work.

She doesn't owe anyone an explanation for not accepting the friend request. Sis was oit of line to ask a reason for it.

@ReneeRol

I think if you have a horrendous personal experience of intrusive or overbearing behaviour, it's a natural defensive response to ensure it never repeats by putting in very strong boundaries that may seem extreme to others.

I'd assume she had an ex whose family drove her insane and she's making sure it never happens again by keeping a polite distance. Your sisters reaction to not having her FB request accepted has just proven her right.

This is how I feel.

I made an effort and it was thrown in my face.

Quite simply, I won’t put myself through that again. And I most certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. I think it’s was pushy of your sister to ask and if it was me that would reinforce that I was doing the right thing.

I’m prob the same as your SIL - friendly in person but utterly silent on emails/social media.

It’s my husband’s job to check in, calls send photos of the children, etc.

We first tried the ‘integrated family’ approach where I treated her like my own mother but it backfired massively as MIL had no boundaries and is extremely sensitive. No more.

You sound like you are pushing for a type of in law relationship that she just doesn’t want.

She sounds very unfriendly, I'd keep your distance.

As I mentioned before, it's perfectly possible to be open, friendly, warm, and accepting of your inlaws without having to do 'wife 'work'. I know because I managed it with no effort at all.

good for you. So has the sister in law, read the OP.

Facebook and her own privacy are another level entirely. The simple fact that some posters have such a strong reaction about Facebook proves how right she is to keep her distance there!

Families rely too much on Facebook as a substitute for real life interaction

yeah, all the fb naysayers... some of us live half-way round the world from our families, fb can be great.

I never understand the requirement to treat in-laws as your own family. Fine if you want to and you all get on etc, but if you don't want to - meh. Each to their own.

I’m happily friends with my in-laws on Facebook and I don’t consider this “wife work”, whatever patronising phrase that is

And I'm just fine with seeing my in-laws several times a year but would never accept a faceache request from them. If pushed I would say I haven't seen the request as I'm not often on, and if pushed into accepting them I would avoid it until it became unavoidable then I would prob leave fb or ban them every 30 days.

Somehow I missed that OP's sister actually asked the SIL why she hadn't accepted the friend request. That was daft. It was never going to end well.

What @Freddiefox says

YABU because if she doesn’t want to play happy families, that’s her choice and it doesn’t make her a bad person. She obviously prefers to keep in-law family members at a polite distance.

However, I agree that it’s a sad state of affairs and ultimately it’s your brother’s future children that will miss out on enjoying a close relationship with their cousins on your side of the family.

Some people love nothing more than big family get togethers and others (like my DH) struggle to get through the occasion especially if some family members are right wing Brexit voting nutters. Personally, I will openly disagree with their politics but we can still share food and chit chat without being overtly rude.

However, I agree that it’s a sad state of affairs and ultimately it’s your brother’s future children that will miss out on enjoying a close relationship with their cousins on your side of the family

Have I missed a post which details the DB plans to have DC? And, if that were the case, wouldn't it be the DB responsibility to deal with a relationship between the cousins?