Sister-in-Law and Facebook

[EWAB]

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

From the way you and your sister have reacted, I'd say she's well off out of it.

She's straightforward and perhaps a little blunt, but not U, really.

I'm not friends on social media with my SIL - she's alright as people go but when I married DH I certainly didn't marry her, and nor do I need to fake-friend people that aren't particularly lovely. We're civil when we and I go out of my way for my niece and nephews (her DC) but I don't think either of us would be offended that the other doesn't show much interest.

I don't have my sister in laws on my facebook, they haven't added me and I haven't added them. I have a couple of their adult children who have added me and so I guess they can show them what very limited stuff I put on my facebook if they really felt the need but there is nothing interesting to see on my facebook as I keep my business far far away from facebook.

Yabu I agree with her.

I wish my SIL had this sentiment quite frankly. Does it really matter? She doesn't want to be friends. She's polite when she sees you. Plenty of in laws are not. There is no law that says she has to interact with you in your terms.

@Grooticle

Did she mean she wasn’t going to do “wife work”? That’s a common theme on here - women end up being lumbered with remembering all the birthdays etc for their husbands family as well as their own. She seems to be saying she doesn’t want to end up being secretary - organising things for her husband, passing messages on etc. She may not have put it very well?

This was my reading of it and yes- all the time on here they are talking about what the H should do as regards his family !

She was rude. Being friends on Facebook is hardly a great privilege. It was quite an assumption.

She would have been within her rights had your sister actually asked about wife work.

I'm team SIL, you choose who you want on your SM, she chooses on hers. It's not a snub, she just can't see the point when you are both in contact with your brother

She clearly doesn't view her in laws as part of her extended family. Is your brother close as a sibling?

DH and I have the same family values we are equally close to our individual families and view them as an integral part of our family together. If either of us sent that mgs to the others in law we would both be pissed off and think the other person was extremely rude.

I think its rude of her to assume that you or your sister would treat her like that or don't have a genuine desire to get to know her.

Its up to your brother though to decide if how she interacts and treats his family is a problem. Clearly it isn't.

I wouldn't waste anymore emotional energy on it. Keep in contact with your brother, be civil with her when you see her as you would with a stranger.

Keep conversation general dont share personal information nor expect her to.

@Disfordarkchocolate

Good for her. Keeping wife work in its place.

Totally agree.

I don't know why you are so desperate to be friends with her? She's not interested, just be pleasant when your paths cross and get on with it.

She just doesnt want anything to do with her husbands family by the sounds of it. Snotty cow I wouldnt be that bothered.

@ShowingOut

From the way you and your sister have reacted, I'd say she's well off out of it.

I agree!! Why does fb mean so much to you?

Sounds like she wants to be ignored. If I were you OP, I would be only too happy to oblige.

@PersonaNonGarter

She was rude. Being friends on Facebook is hardly a great privilege. It was quite an assumption.

She would have been within her rights had your sister actually asked about wife work.

why rude?

She only replied when pushed. It was rather rude to insist when she was very politely clear from the start.

It's not about " great privilege" 😂, it's about not accepting any random and keeping your private life.. private. I know it's a hard concept for some, but some of us prefer it that way.

To avoid any drama, I strongly recommend 2 facebook accounts. One in your name where you can accept any random, and you don't use, one with a nickname where you only befriend REAL friends.

@MonicaBelulaGellar

She just doesnt want anything to do with her husbands family by the sounds of it. Snotty cow I wouldnt be that bothered.

"snotty cow"? Why would anyone want to stay away indeed... puzzling

Thank you for your comments. I don’t think either of us are “desperate” to be Facebook friends and we only wanted to be friendly. I had actually forgotten my request. My sister pursues things because she is that kind of person. Neither of us would expect ‘wife work’ and wouldn’t have conflated a friend request with this.
My brother’s first wife is not my friend and I am not in touch however she invited my son - her Godson- to her second wedding which is more than my brother did. When my sister was arguing that our partners be invited to his wedding he said that if he invited people close to us they wouldn’t have room for people close to him.
I am close to my siblings but I see them after work etc. I would love to be close to my in-laws.
My sister-in-law is witty and a very generous host when we do see her. Both of them would never compromise an event eg always champagne for example over extending invitations to his nephews.
Friend requests on social media were friendly overtures to a women we regard as family nothing more.

@Lowkeevslucille you've lost me?

When my sister was arguing that our partners be invited to his wedding he said that if he invited people close to us they wouldn’t have room for people close to him.

I wonder why she doesn't want to be close to your sister.

I made a massive effort with my sisters in law at first and then realised, they're not like my family. They're happy to meet once a year and have no contact in between. I've stopped bothering now as I didn't really get on with them so where's the need to force the relationship? Maybe she feels similar?

I can understand why she wouldn’t want to be responsible for all the birthdays etc, but to make it very clear that she wants nothing to do with you seems very unpleasant.

She doesn’t have to be best friends with you but I think that if you’ve done nothing to upset her, she should make an effort to have a relationship with you. Plus, most of us have loads of Facebook friends. My memory is so terrible to I can’t even remember who some of mine are🙂. So it seems a bit odd that she won’t accept your friend request.

She doesn't need to be bosom buddy pals with her BILs and SILs etc but facebook friends and involving them in family gatherings is appropriate and kind and normal ffs.

Wife work is an completely irrelevant excuse - that issue would be easily solved by a conversation with her husband that he does his family and she does hers, no need to cut off a whole raft of relations. She's gone too far in trying to set boundaries and cutting people out is extreme when she can just say that she won't be writing their Christmas card

Exactly. OP and her sister aren't asking to be her best friend. They've welcomed her to the family and invited her to be FB friends. That's all. The way she responded is nothing to do with wife work. Wife work doesn't prevent her from responding pleasantly rather than basically saying 'I don't want to have anything to do with you'.

I was fully welcomed and absorbed into my in-law family while still managing not to be the one who sent cards and bought presents for them.

The SIL was excessively and unnecessarily blunt, let's face it.

She's just not that into you. It's a bit disappointing that she obviously doesn't have the same family values as you do, but it's obviously not personal. Let it be. If you are supposed to be friends then it will happen.

Your brother will hopefully step up.

I’m happily friends with my in-laws on Facebook and I don’t consider this “wife work”, whatever patronising phrase that is.

Some people just like to keep their Facebook only to close friends. I accepted a couple of friend request from some of my husband's family and I regret it. They're very different people to me I either have to monitor my posts or accept that they're going to comment disagreeably. (I actually now block them from seeing my posts)

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I’m happily friends with my in-laws on Facebook and I don’t consider this “wife work”, whatever patronising phrase that is.

It's not the expression that is patronising, it's the expectations behind it!