Why am I paying to live a life I hate?

[upsetandang]

I want the dream, cottage in the countryside, long walks with several hundred dogs. Family games every night. Singing and piano for entertainment instead of horrid bratty kids shows {see horrid Henry and the like}, homecooked meals every single night.

But I'm lazy and we watch TV for family time, I don't eat at the table because the kids move too much and knock me or nick my food, we don't play board games because I get too stressed with the toddler moving pieces, 'I want a go!' every five bleeding seconds. oh and we have takeaways way more than id like.

Does anyone have the life they thought they'd have as a child? I thought I'd be a nice parent who plays all day with the kids and bakes every day and goes to the really cool park 10 miles away. But I'm barely holding it together and I shout too much. live in a shit hole, am a shithole basically.
I haven't shaved in a year, maybe more. no make up in 3.

how do I change my whole life? I want to turn it around. I'm a sahm so have the time, I'm just lacking the effort

can anyone recommend a book or a YouTube channel or something that is step by step that I can follow to a better life? I'm sick of wasting my children's childhoods

Just seen the bit about? moving to countryside - don't do it! Lol when they're older they'll spend a lot of time trying to make their way to the city

@upsetandang be kind to yourself, this stuff is really hard!

I have a friend who is a “life coach” (which sounds trite but she has 5 years study as a behavioural psychologist). She says this stuff is all about habit building. Once you have the habits, it is easy (like how you say it used to be for you), but once you lose those habits they are really hard to get back. This is why most people have the feeling that if they could just step into the life of someone who has it all together, that it would be easy to maintain it. Like you wanting to be like your neighbour.

It means people are left feeling that this should be easy so why can’t they do it, and assuming there is something just wrong or bad about them and that they are failing. But that’s not the case. It is HARD.

With her clients she builds up a plan of small steps to build the habits the client wants. So for someone where their top priority was to be more healthy she might start with “tomorrow, just eat a piece of fruit”. The client keeps that up for a week, and then in week 2 adds in “go for a short walk outside” (while still keeping the fruit habit). It’s a really slow, achievable start, and when they work together there might not be doing something new every week, but they certainly don’t add things faster than once a week.

It feels really slow to her clients until they realise that within a year they could have started 40-50 new healthy habits. So for you that might be this week take the kids out for a short walk each day? Next week, have breakfast sat at the table.

Good luck honey, and be kind to yourself xx

Don't be hard on yourself op thats a tough gig.
My DD used to eat stuff off my plate that she would not have dreamed of eating off her own plate had I given it to her. I tend to have Veggie meals. So I added extra on mine on purpose so she would eat it. It does stop eventually you will be glad to hear.

You sound kind of depressed. And tired. I would be too if I had 4 kids under 8.

Take it easy on yourself. You’re not gonna make your life better by talking to yourself like shit all day

I'm a single mum with 3 under 8. Board games have only recently become alright fun.

People on here saying "concentrate on one thing" to start with are spot on.

The one thing I would suggest is making a meal that everyone eats together, at the table. Yes the two year old will be a pain but this is how they learn. Have one of the older children "in charge" of the 2 yr old (taking turns?) to help you if you are distracted by the baby, if poss. And have rules that do not alter. Ours were:

-When at table, the telly off. Always.
-Chat. All the children benefit from this.
-They should ask to be excused from the table when finished. Always. My children when a bit older started to take the piss with this a bit--"may I be ex-squeezed?", but we never minded.
-They each must clear their plate, glass and cutlery when they leave the table.

Obviously, you should pick one thing that works best for you. This is how we calmed the insanity that is raising children. The rest will come in time. When the youngest is three? it will be walks in the woods, playing games together, that sort of thing. No advice about the cottage though, and I don't wear make-up, and shave if and when needed! (don't put pressure on yourself, you have enough to do)

Why would you go to a cool park ten miles away, do you not have anywhere nearer?

Most of us don't live the life we dreamed of as a youngster but we often achieve something as good, or better, but different.

At the moment there are limits to what we can do with ourselves or with children and many are watching more TV than they would prefer. So what? It won't be forever. It must be very hard with four children.

I tend to think (and this is not advice which I am not qualified to give, just my thoughts), it is better to list what I would 'prefer' for my life rather than what I 'want' - so I am not constantly wanting.

I'm interested to know what and whom you pay for your current life.

Bloody hell, you have 4 DC, incl a toddler and baby, no wonder you’re shattered! You’re not lazy!

Do you like Podcasts or Audio Books, OP?

Sounds like you need some support / inspiration to give you that push.

I really like Mel Robbins. One of hers is 'take control of your life', another is the 5 Second Rule.

Her style has helped me get of my arse and get going!

It's not about slacking yourself off!! Be kind to yourself! Those activities you mentioned..do you enjoy them?
I cook and bake from scratch all the time, but that's only because I enjoy it. We do play board games a few times a week, and take turns with dh reading a bedtime story. Don't try to force yourself into a mould of a mum. Be yourself, and do the things you enjoy. Kids will tag along 😉

@workhomesleeprepeat

You sound kind of depressed. And tired. I would be too if I had 4 kids under 8.

Take it easy on yourself. You’re not gonna make your life better by talking to yourself like shit all day

Agree.

Might be worth seeing if you have home start near you. A volunteer could help you once a week. I loved being a volunteer it is so rewarding.

I am spending all day on mumsnet or googling 'how to be better at cleaning, cooking, being patient' but not actually doing it (apart from cleaning which is never ever ever ending.)

This is your problem. You're addicted to your phone. You need to go cold turkey and not look at it at all until the kids are in bed. You have four children - you can't live like a teenager.

You know what you want to do. You know the sort of family you want. You are the only person who can do this.

I'm a lazy bitch and so ashamed. literally can't believe my kids have me as a mother. their mother is so mean and boring.

Would you talk like that to anyone else? Or would you find it demeaning and cruel?

I'm sure you're a loving, devoted mum. You sound as if you may be depressed.

If it feels too hard to get going Start with just one thing - a not too difficult to achieve thing. Work your way up - things won't work out the way you'd imagined every day - but learn to make what happens work for you.

You sound depressed.

The kids won't know if things haven't gone according to plan cos they didn't know there was a plan - they'll just be happy to be doing something

First you lower your expectations and forget the countryside dreams for now. Then you make small changes one at a time and take it from there. Start with things that are easy like wearing a small amount of make up, mascara or and lipstick. Then shaving once a month, then clear the table and lay it for dinner once a week and then book a board game night once a month, or start with a film night with treats rather than any old rubbish on tv as it's more of a night together with a film. Try cooking some fakeaways (loads of recipes online that are easy). Just take things one at a time but be determined and keep making those changes. You can do it and it doesn't have to be such big changes that you are overwhelmed.

I have started recently making sure I make my bed properly every single day and it's such a small thing but makes me much happier as I have started the day by accomplishing one thing straight away albeit a small thing.

Get Gousto to help with the home cooked meals - I was feeling like an awful mum as I got a bit freezer reliant eating processed meals every night, rinse and repeat. The kids now help me cook and they try a variety of different foods every week and I don’t have to give head space to meal planning. It’s totally worth the cost!

Quick reply as up to ninety but saw your post and didn't want to read and run - try Clutterbug on YouTube - her videos have really helped me to get my shit together and find I get so much more done / the time goes much faster if I have her on in the background. She's here:

www.youtube.com/channel/UC_ldgDzMaFzAEHEnIjSlWoA

Hope you feel better soon x

Your kids are young and your hands are full - it will get better . Baby steps

When I had a really tough time, and couldn't face doing some things I thought I should, a wise therapist advised me to stop thinking about what I couldn't do and start making the very best of what I could do.

It really worked for me.

My life has moved forwards a lot, but it took time.

Each day I made a choice to enjoy what I was going to do.

So if I couldn't face proper cooking, I would tell the kids we were having a carpet picnic, with chopped fruit and veg and sandwiches. They had vitamins and fun, I avoided cooking. Everyone was happy.

My energy levels and happiness starting rising from that day.

What do your children need? Love, home, safety, nutrition, education, friends. There are lots of ways to do this.

And stay off social media. All those fuckers on Instagram are lying . I know someone who genuinely takes 30 minutes getting the right photo for their feed. Their kids moan all the time about that.

Be kinder to yourself. You sound nice. Tell yourself good things, you really listen to that inner voice. Where did you meet your husband? Do you think it was your cleaning skills that made you “the one”? What did he and your friends see? I sincerely doubt it was housekeeping.

Oh and DON’T buy a piano honestly I have 5 children and a piano.....

It probably feels too hard because you’re trying to do too much in one go.

Are your children all pre schoolers? Do they go to nursery? If not, don’t blame yourself too much- childcare of toddlers IS SO HARD. I WFH 4 days a week and DS goes to nursery 4 days a week. I make homemade meals on my lunch break, but if I had to work out of the home I’d have to batch cook on weekends.

Do any of your children still nap? If so- when you’ve put them down don’t sit at the sofa- go straight to the kitchen and prepare a meal. Something fairly easy to begin with to get your confidence up, eg macaroni cheese- use a jar of cheese pasta sauce the first time if easier.

Do this every day for a week to get in the habit. Chops and mashed potato and veg (can be frozen or tinned), sausage and mash, poached salmon fillet with a jacket potato and sliced cucumber and tomato- all very quick and easy.

Don’t worry about tackling TV time etc until you’ve got in the habit of cooking, then try something else once that’s progressed well.

I hate to be that person, but do go to your GP and ask them to test you for depression. You sound overwhelmed.

Do you have a partner? Do they help with the kids or around the house?

Parenting is hard, and not the idyll that gets made out to be; give yourself a break and don’t set unrealistic goals.

I don’t wear make up and rarely shave my legs- if you want to, then have a bath when DC are in bed and get a razor out. But only if you want to- it’s not mandatory for women.

As to going to good parks: do this once a month, or whenever is manageable. Once everyone has had breakfast get them all in the car or pram and just go. Pack snacks in your bag the night before, and just go in the morning.

You can do this. Just take it step by step.