Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister calls her new baby ex name

131 replies

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 06:58

My sister recently had a baby boy her 1st child. I was overjoyed and elated. She has called him the same name as my sons father who has caused a lot of stress disappointment and trauma both to me and to my son by his absence and other behaviour, mainly absence and not being involved (does not make contact on my sons Birthday, Christmas or provide any financial support). Now this name is shared with her husbands late father so I understand the sentimental value for them of this name. But I do nonetheless feel blindsided and I would have greatly appreciated if she was to forewarn me of their decision instead of making a public announcement. Perhaps it was a genuine oversight in the excitement of a new baby but seemingly they had decided upon the name some months before she said it felt right for them in the months before the birth. This sister was my birth partner and was heavily involved in my sons early years when his father was not around. I hope we can get back to where we were in our relationship. And I want to feel that close relationship to her boy also. Not to feel constantly reminded of these hurt feelings by my ex/sons father. I am concerned it may impact upon my son but acknowledge he is their son and the naming is essentially their choice. It's done now so I need to adapt and get used to this being my nephews name. She and her husband are to be my sons guardians in the unlikely and unfortunate event of me being unable to take care of him.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 07/11/2020 07:07

It’s just a name, you are likely to meet many people with your ex-partners name.

Maybe your nephew will help you associate the name with positive feelings.

It’d be a mistake to let this damage your relationship with your sister.

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 07:09

I am trying to see it this way yes but it may take a little time. It's just happened.

OP posts:
TheWitchCirce · 07/11/2020 07:09

Her husband's late father trumps your ex. I'm guessing it is a fairly common name if it has spanned these generations. I think you need to move on and enjoy your new nephew.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 07/11/2020 07:11

OP I think you are handling this very well.

I think she should have given you a heads up but perhaps she has just been so wrapped in having a baby she hasn’t fully considered the impact on you or your son. Is she usually a bit insensitive?

Can you speak to her about it and explain how you feel?

I agree it will take time for you Flowers

DisgruntledPelican · 07/11/2020 07:11

Tricky one. I mean it’s not ideal but if it’s a fairly common male name then surely you will meet many people with the same name in the course of life? Agree with @Northernparent68 that you should try and make more positive associations with the name now, it could help you move on a bit further.

ApplestheHare · 07/11/2020 07:11

In time I think this will be a good thing. I bet you have a lovely relationship with your nephew and take back the name from the dark side where, atm, it's associated with the ex.

SaffieSoph · 07/11/2020 07:12

I agree with PP.

It’s a name which clearly has sentimental value to her husband and that’s why they’ve chosen it. I’m also assuming it’s a fairly common name?!

Either way your sister has just had a baby and with all the craziness that brings hasn’t thought to mention it.

I’m sorry you had a tough time with your ex but don’t let him ruin anything else, especially your relationship with your sister.

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 07:12

It feels inconsiderate nonetheless. I would never do this to a sister. Regardless of sentimental value. As middle name it would have felt more palatable. Or if we had a conversation about it in advance.

OP posts:
SapphosRock · 07/11/2020 07:13

I'm sorry for you but at the end of the day it's just a name. Very soon you will only associate the name with your nephew which is a lovely thing.

yellowhighheels · 07/11/2020 07:13

Is it a very unusual name? I'm assuming not if the baby's grandad has it too.

I understand it must've been a surprise and yes, it would have been tactful for her to mention it but perhaps she just hasn't given your ex much thought by name for some time? That is to day, she doesn't think of him as 'Fred', just her sister's not very pleasant ex.

I wouldn't have thought it would affect your son at all. Again, unless it is a big coincidence that the FIL has the same very unusual name, he will meet loads of other 'Freds' and his little cousin will be an exciting new addition not really associated with his dad. Whom he won't think of by name, anyway.

Allow yourself to feel the emotions you're feeling, but equally, try not to make this a bigger deal than he is. Your ex is not likely to be the only one with that name you've ever met. Maybe now you can associate the name with a lovely new nephew instead of with hurt, which will diminish the ex's impact slightly?

ThornAmongstRoses · 07/11/2020 07:13

I’m with you OP - I would never do it to my sister.

Monty27 · 07/11/2020 07:14

Well there's a lovely reason to put your ex behind. Enjoy your dsis baby 😊

SoloMummy · 07/11/2020 07:18

Does this mean that you avoid all people with your ex's name?
It was a surprise /shock. Then it's time to put it to bed.
Your lo probably won't even connect those same dots.

HMSSophie · 07/11/2020 07:20

Depends on how you Musial the name is.

Ahmed, or Oliver, or Thomas - not an issue, just one of those things.

Sebastian or Felix or Horatio, yes I'd be posted off.

Has she mentioned it to you?

Rockpapershoot · 07/11/2020 07:21

It would be very odd for your son to mind if he doesn't really know his own father and hasn't been a part of his life. It makes perfect sense for them to name the baby after the late grandfather. She really didn't need to have a conversation with you first. It sounds like what happened with your ex was years ago? Maybe some counselling would help? Please don't bring it up with her. You won't ever be able to take it back.

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 07:23

On a side note. I am new to this. Please can someone tell me what is the meaning of OP? Is it opinion? Thanks.

OP posts:
Kcar · 07/11/2020 07:25

I am sorry but husband’s late father definitely trumps your ex.

Imagine how her husband feels knowing that his dad will never get to know his child.

It’s not about you for them at all. Nor should it be

Charleyhorses · 07/11/2020 07:25

It's not about you.

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 07:25

My son knows his father. They have spent some time together. Albeit it has been sporadic at best with large gaps in contact. He talks about his father nonetheless quite regularly.

OP posts:
gettingusedtothelimelight · 07/11/2020 07:25

@Whattimes

OP is original poster

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 07:27

I will do my best to put this to bed. I wish them every happiness with their new son. As a first time Auntie especially am looking forward to these feelings subside and to be replaced by the joy I first felt upon his birth. Am getting there. Will send a gift today.

OP posts:
rwalker · 07/11/2020 07:28

Sorry but you can't expect BIL to fore go calling his son after his later farther because of SIL ex this really isn't all about you.

I can see why you are upset but some things in life you just have to suck up.

Newfornow · 07/11/2020 07:29

Opening poster - OP. Has always been my belief... 8 years
Yabu to say anything about this.
People already know your ex has that name. It won’t be new information.
I suppose it will feel uncomfortable for a while but it’s outside your control.

Bookworming · 07/11/2020 07:30

To your son your ex is "dad", he won't associate anything from his cousin to his dad. You certainly mustn't give any negative vibes about it.

TBH, he was named after his deceased grandfather, not you ex, they happen to share the same name but that's a coincidence.

Don't give it any thought.

Lizadork · 07/11/2020 07:30

Every child in the family in the last 15 years has been named something i specifically hate, felt like they saw my hate list and picked from it Angry. Over time though the old association drops and these little people become their names, I will never love the names but I dont hate so passionately any more those names used.

I still hate Kimberley and John, really hoping not used next Hmm Angry Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread