Sister calls her new baby ex name

[Whattimes]

My sister recently had a baby boy her 1st child. I was overjoyed and elated. She has called him the same name as my sons father who has caused a lot of stress disappointment and trauma both to me and to my son by his absence and other behaviour, mainly absence and not being involved (does not make contact on my sons Birthday, Christmas or provide any financial support). Now this name is shared with her husbands late father so I understand the sentimental value for them of this name. But I do nonetheless feel blindsided and I would have greatly appreciated if she was to forewarn me of their decision instead of making a public announcement. Perhaps it was a genuine oversight in the excitement of a new baby but seemingly they had decided upon the name some months before she said it felt right for them in the months before the birth. This sister was my birth partner and was heavily involved in my sons early years when his father was not around. I hope we can get back to where we were in our relationship. And I want to feel that close relationship to her boy also. Not to feel constantly reminded of these hurt feelings by my ex/sons father. I am concerned it may impact upon my son but acknowledge he is their son and the naming is essentially their choice. It's done now so I need to adapt and get used to this being my nephews name. She and her husband are to be my sons guardians in the unlikely and unfortunate event of me being unable to take care of him.

Are we supposed to get a list from all our family and friends of exes, shitty bosses, school bullies that they dont want our child to share a name with.
I get that you've heard the name and thought of your ex, but it's really not relevant to them naming their child.

It’s not about you and you don’t get to dictate what they call their baby

I think it's reasonable to want to name your son after your late father and not really 'click' that it's your sister-in-law's ex's name.

YABU.

This isn't about you. It is about a man wanting to name his son after his late father.

Get over yourself.

I completely understand how you feel, I’d probably feel the same in your situation. I don’t think either you or your sister are being unreasonable though- based on what you said about your sister she never would have done this to upset you. Don’t let this cloud the bond you have with her and hopefully with her baby.

YABU. The sentimentality is far more important than the fact it was your ex’s name; you won’t be in pain from that forever.

She likely didn’t tell you because she didn’t want your opinion on the name and likely knew how you would react.

It might depend on what the "other beahviour" was & if she knew about it?

If he was generally absent she might not have given him a thought when naming her baby.

Don't look for a slight where there might not be one!

Sorry to be harsh but I think you're being a little unreasonable here. Its got to be a common name I'm guessing? I had an abusive ex but actually I still like his name. But it too is common so I don't associate it with him to be honest. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. I think you've taken the naming of your sisters baby way too personally and applied it all to you and your situation. That's a bit short sighted and dare I say it - self centred. In the nicest possible way - stop making it about you and enjoy your little nephew. It sounds like you've got a lovely strong bond with your sister - pick your battles and don't make this an issue. Mention it to her if you feel you need to but I don't think you'll gain much from it

Just seen its the dads late father's name. Bloody hell that really does make you sound unreasonable now

Is it the sort of name that you can make a nickname out of? Or a variation?
I suggest you create your own nickname/variation for your nephew and use that instead.

Your sister may not have thought about it, OR she might have thought about it and been too cowardly to face you with anything other than a fait accompli - we don't know.

Either way, you need to find a way to become comfortable going forward. Try the nickname, if you can find one that works.

Well, they've clearly named the baby after the baby's deceased grandad, rather than your ex, so I think you are being a bit precious sorry.

@tenthavenue

What is wrong with people? They could easily have used it as baby’s middle name. It is however one of those times in life when there is nothing for it- you just have to be the bigger person and move on. NO, YANBU.

Why should they use it as a middle name? They are honouring the husbands obviously much loved father.

It’s also the name of nephew’s absent father, which really is not that big a deal.

It’s absolutely outrageous and the people in here saying otherwise obvious havnt been through a painful divorce.

My ex’s name makes me tense if ever .i hear it and immediately a whole chest of very unhappy memories are bought back.

It is incredibly insensitive your sister to choose that name and to not tell you in advance shows tga5 she new this.

I couldn’t be close to a child with my ex’s name I think of all the names to choose from this is an unforgivable hateful thing for your sister to do.

I restate, people who havnt spent years of suffering with someone are in no position to say it’s only a name.

I couldn’t be close to a child with my ex’s name I think of all the names to choose from this is an unforgivable hateful thing for your sister to do.

With all sincerity have you had therapy?

I had a horribly abusive marriage. I still don’t think this is a massive deal considering it’s the husbands late father’s name. Had there been no family connection it would have been a little odd but given it’s got incredible significance to the husband it’s not an issue.

I understand where you are coming from OP, a heads up would have been nice but in time he will become his name. I have a similar situation in my family.

We had a name agreed for DS but sadly my FIL died suddenly days before he was born. When he was born DH wanted to name him after his father. Unfortunately FIL and my DF had the same name and DF was an abusive bastard. I called my DM to tell her first, she was upset at the time but could see why, now they are partners in crime and I think any negative association with the name has gone.

Soon the name will have new association for you. When you hear it you will think of your lovely nephew before your ex.

If it wasn't baby's grandfathers name I would think sister was a bit insensitive but they can't just pick another name if it is after grandfather.

There’s a reason for this baby’s name - he’s named after his late grandfather. He’s not named after his absent uncle. If this is a very popular name then please don’t take this too personally.

I couldn’t be close to a child with my ex’s name I think of all the names to choose from this is an unforgivable hateful thing for your sister to do.

How sad to punish the child by withholding affection. That's just cruel. If an ex's name has that much power over someone they would reject their nephew, I would respectfully suggest seeking counselling to help them move on.

But he isn’t named after your ex, he’s after his grandad who is obviously missed and far far more significant to them than some ex of yours. I don’t understand why you think they’d avoid naming their child something because your ex happens to be called that? Your child will I assume know their dad as dad not their first name, I don’t know any children who refer to their parents by first name. I doubt he will associate the name with his dad. Surely naming their child this will remove the negative connotations you have associated with the name anyway?

This wouldn't even register with me quite honestly. It's just a name. I agree with a PP you are being precious.

OP I'm sorry, I understand it's difficult for you but I think YABU. She has clear reasons for calling her baby this name, and with kindness this isn't about you. A new family baby is a wonderful thing, so try to create happy associations with the name and your new beautiful nephew, rather than dwelling on your ex's behaviour and absence.

YANBU to be a bit shocked and upset, but I agree with a pp, you are handling it well. Give it time and the old associations will weaken and the lovely new one with your nephew strengthen. Congratulations btw.

Good to see so many sensitive responses here too.

You need to think about this from your sisters husbands point of view. Imagine if your wife/partner said to you we can’t name our child your dead fathers name because my sisters ex was called that name.

Exactly.

And for those saying it should be a middle name...what's the point? When does a middle name ever get used? We all angst over them when a baby's on the way, then unless a form's being filled in they're never used again.

But I do nonetheless feel blindsided and I would have greatly appreciated if she was to forewarn me of their decision instead of making a public announcement
Not only do you sound like a snowflake but you've just tried to steal your sisters' special moment by making it all about yourself - so selfish.

Now this name is shared with her husbands late father so I understand the sentimental value for them of this name. ....As middle name it would have felt more palatable. Or if we had a conversation about it in advance
Not your baby - not your decision.
Why does she even need YOUR 'approval' for her child's name????
They've taken good memories and are creating a new legacy.

Do your children have your ex's surname?
Do you?
If the 'name' bothers you that much surely you'd sort your own out first?
It sounds more like you're put out that your sister has had a child - and now you're children - and you - are not the centre of attention like you have been for years.

You are being very precious.

You believe your BIL should not name his child after his late father because it is the same name as your ex. Yet, you have a child with your ex.