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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister calls her new baby ex name

131 replies

Whattimes · 07/11/2020 06:58

My sister recently had a baby boy her 1st child. I was overjoyed and elated. She has called him the same name as my sons father who has caused a lot of stress disappointment and trauma both to me and to my son by his absence and other behaviour, mainly absence and not being involved (does not make contact on my sons Birthday, Christmas or provide any financial support). Now this name is shared with her husbands late father so I understand the sentimental value for them of this name. But I do nonetheless feel blindsided and I would have greatly appreciated if she was to forewarn me of their decision instead of making a public announcement. Perhaps it was a genuine oversight in the excitement of a new baby but seemingly they had decided upon the name some months before she said it felt right for them in the months before the birth. This sister was my birth partner and was heavily involved in my sons early years when his father was not around. I hope we can get back to where we were in our relationship. And I want to feel that close relationship to her boy also. Not to feel constantly reminded of these hurt feelings by my ex/sons father. I am concerned it may impact upon my son but acknowledge he is their son and the naming is essentially their choice. It's done now so I need to adapt and get used to this being my nephews name. She and her husband are to be my sons guardians in the unlikely and unfortunate event of me being unable to take care of him.

OP posts:

TheWitchCirce · 07/11/2020 07:32

@rwalker

Sorry but you can't expect BIL to fore go calling his son after his later farther because of SIL ex this really isn't all about you.

I can see why you are upset but some things in life you just have to suck up.

All of this.

OwlOne · 07/11/2020 07:33

If it's an unusual name like Crispin then you're not being too unreasonable but if it's a common name then it's a good opportunity to give the name a new much nicer better association.

My x has a fairly common name. I even dated a man with the same name a few years later (although when he told me his name, my heart can sank a bit, but still!). On a child I would just view it through a different type of lens anyway!

Embrace this as an opportunity to cleanse the negative associations the name has.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/11/2020 07:35

I’m sure you will come to associate the name with the child, not with your ex.It would be U to say anything, esp. since the name was a valued family one to her.

An extremely good friend of mine - I didn’t meet her until I was grown up - has the same, uncommon name, as a thoroughly nasty little witch of a bully who did her best to make my life a misery at school.

I’d thought I’d always loathe that name, but it didn’t take too long for me to associate it with my lovely friend, instead.

Inkpaperstars · 07/11/2020 07:36

I can see why you are upset and it's clear that a warning would have gone a very long way since they have had the name in mind for months.

All you can do now is make the best of it, as you are doing. This is an innocent little new person who will love you and your DS and has no idea of any associations of his name. Congrats on your new nephew x

JMG1234 · 07/11/2020 07:36

Appreciate that this is not the same situation and this name rightly has negative connotations for you. But I called my son the same name as one of my exes (whom my husband knows well). Felt a little odd at first, but I agree with posters that have said the name becomes so ingrained with the child that you cease to make a strong connection after a while.

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 07/11/2020 07:37

The issue here seems to be that the OP is feeling as though her sister has disregarded a huge trauma that she has been through with her ex, it's not helpful for people to say, 'it's just a name'. Names are meaningful, that's why the boy has been named after his late grandfather after all.
OP I get you are feeling hurt by this but this doesn't mean your sister doesn't care about what happened to you. Acknowledge your hurt feelings, I get it. I'm sure in time you will begin to associate the name with your lovely nephew.

Louloulouloubells · 07/11/2020 07:37

You need to think about this from your sisters husbands point of view. Imagine if your wife/partner said to you we can’t name our child your dead fathers name because my sisters ex was called that name.

I understand the shock though and a heads up for you would have been nice. However she’s just had her first baby and sometimes being pregnant your not quite thinking clearly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2020 07:39

Have you lost a parent? I have. And when I was a child. Personally I would not have named my child had she been a boy after my father. But your BIL feels the need to being a family name for them. Perhaps your dsis didn’t even think about the connection. Maybe she thought you’d try to talk her out of it (which seems a fair assumption) or even that she’d already told you.

OwlOne · 07/11/2020 07:39

PS, sorry if I sounded unsympathetic because I do get it. My x was horribly abusive. But being able to say your nephew's name without wincing doesn't mean that you don't value YOURSELF. I get why those two would be mixed up in each other. Like, you feel you have to take a stand and object or it feels like being a door mat? But the 'stand' is healing. Distancing yourself from caring what how that one twat behaved.

Being able to say the name with a light heart doesn't mean that you put up with bad treatment or willingly allowed yourself to be treated badly.

It wouldn't make you a doormat to grow to hate the name less. He doesn't own the name. He doesn't get to claim it.

Moondust001 · 07/11/2020 07:40

To be honest, if a name is enough to cause this amount of angst in you and / or your son, then you need professional help. I seriously doubt that the fact your ex was called this even entered their heads, and nor should it have done. She hasn't done anything to you, and if your relationship is based on such fickle sensitivities, then it isn't based on very much, is it? Your ex has nothing to do with this, and the only person putting him in the picture is you.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/11/2020 07:42

In the nicest possible way you are being very unreasonable. Her husband's desire to
honour his deceased father is far greater in importance than the fact you had a kid then fell out with a bloke of the same name. It's normal to not announce names in advance, it's always advised on here not to share as someone always objects. In fact maybe they suspect you would snd it was important to them to use the name. You need to separate your nephew from your ex. You dont sound like you've moved on, perhaps you need some talk therapy to help you draw a line.

Bikingbear · 07/11/2020 07:42

Op They have called their baby after his Grandad nothing wrong with that.

If they'd picked the name randomly then you'd have a gripe. But then people get fuzzy headed naming babies, from a new Dad "Yeh, we named him Joe. I forgot it was my Dads name, I hate my Dad"

user1493413286 · 07/11/2020 07:43

I can understand how you feel; my ex’s name would be one I’d find it difficult to hear all the time. I think in time you’ll make new associations and maybe you could call him a nickname? I think for your son the association will be less as when you’re a child you don’t think of your parent so much in terms of their first name.

MindyStClaire · 07/11/2020 07:43

Perhaps, whether consciously or unconsciously, your sister doesn't want her son associated with your ex and that's why she didn't say anything. Her little boy is named for his late grandfather and that's a lovely thing.

copperoliver · 07/11/2020 07:44

OP. Original poster.
Maybe your sister hasn't even thought of your Ex as he's never been around so not in her thoughts. X

OwlOne · 07/11/2020 07:48

@CeeceeBloomingdale

In the nicest possible way you are being very unreasonable. Her husband's desire to honour his deceased father is far greater in importance than the fact you had a kid then fell out with a bloke of the same name. It's normal to not announce names in advance, it's always advised on here not to share as someone always objects. In fact maybe they suspect you would snd it was important to them to use the name. You need to separate your nephew from your ex. You dont sound like you've moved on, perhaps you need some talk therapy to help you draw a line.

In the nicest possible way, your post is illogical and lacking understanding.

First you honour the father /son relationship (the BIL's father) and then denigrate it in the next breath ( had a kid with some bloke), so if you understand the first part of your own post, dig deep and see if you can understand that having a child with somebody who lets you and your child(ren) down badly is not like ordering the wrong pizza.

IceFrost · 07/11/2020 07:51

I understand you may be a little miffed but honestly it was her DH dads name. That trumps everything.

Frannibananni · 07/11/2020 07:52

You are being very selfish

tenthavenue · 07/11/2020 07:53

What is wrong with people? They could easily have used it as baby’s middle name. It is however one of those times in life when there is nothing for it- you just have to be the bigger person and move on. NO, YANBU.

TeddyIsaHe · 07/11/2020 07:54

I would be asking my sister wtf she was thinking! The name could have been a middle name without any bother.

People are so weird about names here, I never understand it. Someone once named their baby the same name as someone’s baby who had died very suddenly and people were going on and on about how you don’t own names.

Obviously! But there’s billions of names, it doesn’t hurt to just not pick one that will cause pain to someone every time they hear it.

Longwhiskers14 · 07/11/2020 07:55

@Whattimes

It feels inconsiderate nonetheless. I would never do this to a sister. Regardless of sentimental value. As middle name it would have felt more palatable. Or if we had a conversation about it in advance.

It's not about you though, and I say that with kindness. It's about your sister's husband/partner wanting to commemorate his late father through the birth of his son.

Even if you had a conversation, the outcome would be the same. It's for their baby's granddad. Only if you had spoken, you'd have most likely guilt-tripped your sister into thinking it was a bad thing and put strain on her during her pregnancy. Which may be why she didn't tell you beforehand, fearing how you'd react and knowing it wouldn't change anything.

Please don't go in all guns blazing now, either. She's just had her baby. It wouldn't be fair.

SimplyRadishing · 07/11/2020 07:55

If it's an unusual name like Crispin then you're not being too unreasonable but if it's a common name then it's a good opportunity to give the name a new much nicer better association.

I came on to say this.
It was probably a shock but ultimately was not done maliciously.

The reality is the name isnt changing so it will be something you need to get used to. And as your nephew becomes a person you will.

May be fine a cute diminutive or nick name in the meantime?

Sara2000 · 07/11/2020 07:56

I agree she should have given you the heads up.

My stepdad has a son he's never had anything to do with. About a year before DS was born, the son aged 18 came looking for stepdad. It was short lived when he realised stepdad was an alcoholic loser. We had DS a decided to call him the name of stepdads son. I ran it by my mum first who spoke to stepdad, but it was more in a 'we are calling DS x' rather than 'do you mind?'. I didnt want it to be a shock for him.
DHs niece named her DD after MIL which was a bit of a shock as we hadn't been warned. I still find it odd to call her by this quite distinctive name.

movingonup20 · 07/11/2020 07:57

I strongly suspect they weren't even thinking of your ex when they chose it - it's her late fil's name, she wouldn't have them thought "so does anyone I don't like have it" it may have completely slipped her mind because unlike you I doubt she gives your ex a second thought.

TitianaTitsling · 07/11/2020 07:59

I don't think you should choose a baby's name depending on whether other people like it or not, it's your child- is that not what the advice always is on here?

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