Sister calls her new baby ex name

[Whattimes]

My sister recently had a baby boy her 1st child. I was overjoyed and elated. She has called him the same name as my sons father who has caused a lot of stress disappointment and trauma both to me and to my son by his absence and other behaviour, mainly absence and not being involved (does not make contact on my sons Birthday, Christmas or provide any financial support). Now this name is shared with her husbands late father so I understand the sentimental value for them of this name. But I do nonetheless feel blindsided and I would have greatly appreciated if she was to forewarn me of their decision instead of making a public announcement. Perhaps it was a genuine oversight in the excitement of a new baby but seemingly they had decided upon the name some months before she said it felt right for them in the months before the birth. This sister was my birth partner and was heavily involved in my sons early years when his father was not around. I hope we can get back to where we were in our relationship. And I want to feel that close relationship to her boy also. Not to feel constantly reminded of these hurt feelings by my ex/sons father. I am concerned it may impact upon my son but acknowledge he is their son and the naming is essentially their choice. It's done now so I need to adapt and get used to this being my nephews name. She and her husband are to be my sons guardians in the unlikely and unfortunate event of me being unable to take care of him.

Channel you're inner Shakespeare and you ll realise names dont matter. YABU.

I understand because every time I hear my abusive ex’s name I cringe a little inside so if I had to hear it constantly I’d just hate it. Luckily his name is French so I only hear it on French films really.

I’m guessing your ex’s name is more commonplace and it obviously has sentimental value to your BIL. I bet your sister didn’t even consider your ex, they were purely thinking of your BIL’s late Father. I’m sure in time it will become nephew’s name rather than your ex’s so will have a lovely new association.

So OP, is the name unusual or one that is used quite often?

Completely tactless of her. I wouldn’t have done it. How many other names are there to choose from?!

Sorry for what you’ve been through.

Completely tactless of her. I wouldn’t have done it. How many other names are there to choose from?!

That are the same as her dead father in law's name, I'd say that would be a pretty short list.

How many other names are there to choose from?!

Just the one name to choose from since the babys dad wanted to honour his deceased father (which is far more important and meaningful than avoiding your sisters exes name).

@scubadive. Your reaction to hearing your ex’s name isn’t healthy. Holding onto painful feelings like that only hurts you, no-one else. Have you had any therapy to help you process your feelings and resolve your anger, as it sounds like you might benefit from it.

Remember that harbouring resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die!

My ex was various things but I didn’t allow his name to affect me and I gave my DS the same middle name because it’s a common name and happens to be my late Dad’s name and DH’s late dads name too.

You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt and blind sided. However, in time this name will come to mean your nephew, your son's cousin and will hopefully it will be fine.

Agree with Bookworming "To your son your ex is "dad", he won't associate anything from his cousin to his dad. You certainly mustn't give any negative vibes about it."

You would be unseasonable to say anything to your sister.

And please don't think about who will look after your son if you die, I mean yes, good to make that plan, we did too. But now our dd is almost 16 and my fears of dying when she was young are a distant memory. So good to make provision but try not to think about it actually happening.

So sorry for what you have been through and so sorry some posters have been quite insensitive in replying and saying quite unpleasant things. Very thoughtless and cruel.

@scubadive

It’s absolutely outrageous and the people in here saying otherwise obvious havnt been through a painful divorce.

My ex’s name makes me tense if ever .i hear it and immediately a whole chest of very unhappy memories are bought back.

It is incredibly insensitive your sister to choose that name and to not tell you in advance shows tga5 she new this.

I couldn’t be close to a child with my ex’s name I think of all the names to choose from this is an unforgivable hateful thing for your sister to do.

I restate, people who havnt spent years of suffering with someone are in no position to say it’s only a name.

My mum changed her own FIRST name because it reminded her of her neglectful parents, my sister changed her own first name because her abusive father chose it. My uncle changed his name after going through a tough time in his life. My husband has indicated that he potentially wants to honour his dead father, step father and my father in naming any sons we have. I kept my own name in marriage and don't intend to change it for anyone.

I'm well familiar with the sensitivities around names and choices, but you'll notice that aside from naming his own child, none of those examples I give are about imposing restrictions on anyone else.

Making someone else's choices about your feelings is absolutely wrong in his case, and I urge you find a way to come to terms with this rather than try to control the world around you.

Op it is a name. This isn't about you, this is about their family. This is about a new dad honouring his late dad. Probably a time in his life when he desperately wants his dad to be here so he can show his little baby off and show his dad.

I am somewhat concerned that you think a new mother should have anybody else in her head other than her new baby. I am also concerned that you put so much onus into a name.
I was with a very abusive man, father of my eldest DD. If my sister called her son the same name as her FIL (dead or alive) was called the same I genuinely don't think I would have an issue with it.

I hope we can get back to where we were in our relationship. And I want to feel that close relationship to her boy also. Why have you let this change your relationship with your sister? Why would you let an innocent baby's name stop you from feeling close to him? I am not being patronising when I say this but have you received counselling? I think if you can genuinely believe that this can change your relationships with your family you perhaps need further counselling. Please don't speak to your sister about this. This is something you need to sort. Not just the name, but you clearly haven't healed. For you, its time to heal and let it go! Trust me, you will feel free when you can. I am talking as someone who for years used to wake up screaming in fear. You can get better.

my father was a complete shit. absent, went on to have another 6 and only had contact with 3 of them. arrogant and self obsessed. he has a very common name - Christopher. my best friend called her son Christopher. I thought absolutely nothing of it. it really is just a name, I now think wonderful things when hearing the name rather than cringing as my friends child is lovely and caring. everything my sperm doner isnt. I understand it being a bit of a shock but I dont think you should take it personally. your sisters partner is well within his rights to want to honour his late father.

so, whilst understanding your feelings and dislike towards the name atm, you are still being unreasonable I'm afraid.

It's a name, and it's to honour the baby's grandparent. Nothing whatsoever to do with you. Can you imagine if your sister had objected on the grounds that it's your son's father's name?

YABU and if it upsets you this much, you should probably talk to a professional about it, to be honest.

“ She was your birth partner and a huge support to you throughout the early years of your sons life.

Are you possibly a bit jealous that she has her own family to focus on now and need a tangible reason to be angry about that?”

Exactly my thoughts.

This isn’t about you. Get over it.

A quick conversation to let the op knows and to say it was after her BILs dad wouldn't have been hard to do.

But she also shouldn’t be hung up on a name because it belongs to her ex. Even if her SIL told her it was an option, she would likely still have this attitude regardless. It really has nothing whatsoever to do with her or her ex. It’s her sister’s deceased father in law’s name too.

Can you imagine a wife telling her husband, “ Sorry we can’t use this name because my sister’s ex has the same name.” and her asking AIBU?

Pretty sure the vote would be the same if not more that she would be being very unreasonable.

If my husband came at me with something like this I would tell him quite frank that it is none of his sister’s business and she could easily do one especially if the name is from someone who was a massive part of my life that I love and miss. I’d have no trouble cutting someone off if they wanted me to not name my child something because of THEIR past that has nothing to do with me.

YABVU OP.

Blindsided is one thing, but letting your past effect your relationship with your sister who helped you out during that time because her and her husband chose a name that meant something to him and also happens to belong to your ex. You should be happy for your sister and BIL not dwelling on your new nephew’s name.

My Dad died before my children was born. Nothing would have stopped me from giving my son his name as a middle name. He was my Dad; he (with my Mum) made me who I am. He influenced my thoughts, opinions and moral code. He meant the world to me and he will never meet my son or daughter. No one else in my family was considered in this decision at all (except my husband) because I really wish he'd been there to enjoy his grandson.

It was thoughtless and insensitive at least not to tell you in advance - but perhaps that was deliberate and she knew you would be unhappy.

But you can't make a fuss now without damaging your relationship.

Is it a name with nickname potential?

Apologies I hadn’t read the thread please ignore my ‘how many other names are there to choose from’ comment! That’ll teach me

I get her reasons but feel she should have pre-warned you. However, unless you have a traumatic history with the ex, you are being somewhat unreasonable.
OP, my DDs father is absent. He was, also, abusive. I can't honestly say that I'd be bothered if my dsis used the same name as his for her child but I would raise an eyebrow.
Can you give your nephew a nickname or shorten it? For instance, if James, can you call him Jamie?

YANBU!! I think your feelings are entirely valid and your reaction is measured and reasonable. I hope you feel ok with it soon.

It would have been nice if you had been forewarned but frankly, I doubt whether your sister made the connection. She was probably just fo used on the family name and it’s history. It isn’t going to impact on your son one jot, so just be glad for your sister and move on.

IMO (and that's all it is), it doesn't matter how rare the name is, like so many others are fixating on.

Think about your sister's husband.

His father has died, and I assume relatively young if they're having babies. This must have been hugely upsetting for him, and the loss of a parent is something that is really difficult to get over - if we ever do.

Naming your child after them is the perfect solution, as it's a little piece of them through generational genetics, and now he carries the honour of a name. My brother is named after his grandad too.

It is not fair for you to expect them not to honour his father - who had been in his life since he was born - just because your ex who you've known a couple of years was/is a shit dad and partner.

I understand it will be odd saying and writing his name so much, but it's something you need to get over.

If this is feeling like a huge issue to you then I (without any sarcasm or judgement whatsoever) suggest you get some kind of counselling for the feelings you hold about your ex, because they shouldn't cause a reaction like this, and certainly shouldn't come between you and your sister when she has a brand new baby nephew for you to bond with.

The only thing that you might be a little annoyed at is why they didn't warn you about it - but I think it's perfectly reasonable for them to simply not realise that it would bother you.

My ex abused me for 6 years and reduced me to a shadow of my former self. I would be happy to be able to associate that name with a lovely baby instead of those horrible times, to be honest. New beginnings and all that.