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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS bullying a child at school

547 replies

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:45

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 07/11/2020 09:07

Hi OP

I think there are two separate parts to this.

Punishment and natural consequences for his behaviour. It sounds like you have this well in hand in terms of removal of privileges, telling the school etc.

Secondly though and probably more importantly, he needs to learn empathy and thats a lot more tricky. Massive punishments will not help with this, they will just make him see you as the bad guy and he will make sure he doesn't get caught next time. I'm not sure of the answer here, but I think researching together the effects of bullying and looking at videos of people who have been bullied or parents of children who hsve been bullied would be a good start. See how he reacts. He may not be moved in which case I think there is some more work to do. Possibly with professional help. Empathy is a very hard thing to teach. I'd try and get him to focus on why as well, is he not secure enough in his friendships that they can like each other for themselves rather than how they humiliate others for group amusement? Does he need some new friends?

Freddiefox · 07/11/2020 09:07

Please don’t pay for a new blazer publicly ot get your dd to pay for one. Your ds may well taunt the child more. Leave the child alone and don’t bring any further attention to him. Contact the school
and offer to pay for the blazer discreetly. They needs to be no showboating from you. But replacing the blazer shouldn’t be seen as a fix by anyone.

Hopefully the child’s parents will be pushing for your ds to be expelled, I would be.

The fact your child had bullied before suggests these it’s unlikely this is the 2nd time.
You really need to contact the school and see what is going on, they may have the measure of him. There could be a long line of incidences.

The main thing that your ds needs to learn is to leave the other child alone! He needs to ensure that his friends also leave this child alone as well.
He has started something that will affect this child for a long time.

You can and should take his electronics away and make him do chores but your ds needs to be under no illusion that he needs to leave the other child alone.

RoseGold7 · 07/11/2020 09:08

It seems like your DS could be doing this to “fit in” with his group of “friends”. He probably isn’t the ring leader and just wants to make others laugh. I’d get him to delete all his social media, including WhatsApp. Big group chats are awful. Then I’d take away his gaming consoles and phone away indefinitely (maybe give it back at Christmas but don’t tell him this).

Other PP gave some good points. I liked the idea of watching videos and looking at stats of teen suicide due to bullying. In person and cyber bullying. I wouldn’t get DS to give the other boy a new blazer as that could be seen as condescending and fuel further bullying when others find out.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 09:08

I missed that he’s still in bed.

Drag his sorry ass out of bed now OP.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 07/11/2020 09:08

The school's reaction will speak volumes about how good they are. We had to move DD's school because she was badly bullied. The school simply didn't want to know, and when we complained (loudly, and many, many times), they called us trouble makers!!!

A few years later one particular child at our new school picked on DD. The school came down on them like a ton of bricks. The child was suspended, parents called in, many more repercussions. Thankfully that child has now left the school, and DD is settled and (we believe), happy.

I was never particularly picked on as a child, but on those very few occasions it happened (and in comparison with your son's behaviour, these incidents were very mild), I can still remember them now, and I'm in my 50s.

If it was my child being bullied I would want the bully to immediately be removed from their vicinity. Work in isolation (outside an office, in a medical room or wherever). Break and lunch time supervised until Christmas. Having to sign in to every lesson, with the teacher then signing a form at the end to say they have behaved etc etc. There are many things the school can do.

This is in addition to all the things you are planning to do at home.

I wish you luck.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 09:10

He probably isn’t the ring leader and just wants to make others laugh.

How on earth do you know that?
Either way, It doesn’t matter if he was the ring leader or not. He was there and part of it.

Eugenieonegin · 07/11/2020 09:10

@orangesalad

Really interesting points about how my son buying a blazer for the child will inadvertently give him another stick to beat this child with. Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.
Yes, as long as you still reimburse the other parents. Just a thought OP but if you want to really make him reflect on consequences how about saying you will move his school. He is obviously not making productive relationships and the victim shouldn’t have to move.
picosandsancerre · 07/11/2020 09:11

God your DS sounds bloody awful.You say your lax but do you and your DH openly mock others or use derogatory terms about family, friends etc? It is highly unusual for a DC to bully unless he has grown up thinking it is normal or has some underlying issues themselves.

So perhaps you need to reflect on you and your DH part in your DS behaviour.

IWantT0BreakFree · 07/11/2020 09:12

I'm hoping it's just the difficulties of accurately expressing tone via social media that are making you sound so calm and unperturbed. If not, you need to find some white hot anger and true disgust at your son's actions.

I went to school with a lad who hung himself after being bullied. He couldn't take it any more. The consequences of the behaviour of children like your son can be devastating and span generations. That poor boy will never grow up, have a family and a career. His parents will never get over it. His siblings will always miss him.

The immediate concern for me is the victim's wellbeing. I know school is closed, but are you able to contact his parents over social media to let them know what's happened so they can support their traumatised child? If not, you need to be on the phone as soon as school opens on Monday to ensure that this child is being supported and checked on.

Then there's the issue of how you deal with the bully. It sounds like his friendship group is a huge catalyst for his behaviour given that he seems to be enjoying bragging rights. Either he is desperate to fit in with that particular group, or he feels pressured to behave a certain way, or he is "leader of the pack" and is flexing and enjoying all the attention and kudos. Whatever the reason, I would be immediately and permanently severing those ties. Those friendships would no longer be permitted and I would be demanding that school get on board by taking immediate steps to disband this toxic group for their own sakes and for the safety of other pupils (separating them in lessons and monitoring to ensure they remain separated at break times - spending their break times in detention if they won't remain apart). At home, I would be ensuring that DS had no means of contacting them at all. No phone, no tablet/laptop/PC, no Xbox. Nothing. This wouldn't be "I'm taking away your phone for a week". For me, I'd be taking it all away indefinitely with no current plans to return it. Buy an alarm clock so he has absolutely no excuse to need his phone.

He would be going to school and coming home. No playing out or leaving the house without a parent. At home I would allow access to wholesome and valuable pastimes such as reading, art materials, writing materials etc but no electronics whatsoever. If a laptop is required for school work, he would be doing it in a public part of the house (which is where all children should be if they are online anyway) and I would literally be hovering over him or sat right next to him to supervise his internet use.

I would be handing his freshly laundered blazer into the school office so that the other boy could take it (if he wants to) to use until DS has earned enough money to pay for a new one for the child.

I would demand that he write proper, meaningful apology letters to the boy and his parents. I would get the headteacher to offer the boy and his parents the opportunity to recieve a face to face apology (bear in mind they may not want to).

Given that this is now a pattern of behaviour for your son and not an isolated or out of character incident, you need to come down extremely heavily. His behaviour could quite literally drive another child to suicide. It's that serious. You need to take drastic steps.

Freddiefox · 07/11/2020 09:12

@orangesalad

Really interesting points about how my son buying a blazer for the child will inadvertently give him another stick to beat this child with. Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.
It feels like you are fixating on the blazer... leave the blazer be. You can sort the blazer out.

Forcing your son to not have a blazer at school isn’t going to make the situation for the bullied child better. You are just bringing attention to it.

Do you think your son will meekly explain why he has no blazer? Or tell everyone.. giving him a badge of honour being the ‘bad’ boy.

Reborn2020 · 07/11/2020 09:12

WhatsApp appears to be a way to show off his actions and laugh at the bullied child with his friends he isn't responsible enough to have WhatsApp i would stop it. Since he bullied using WhatsApp before even more reason not to trust him.

The poor child being bullied it is awful for him and his family

nanbread · 07/11/2020 09:12

OP can I ask what methods you used to discipline your child usually / when younger?

flaviaritt · 07/11/2020 09:13

Here is what I would actually do if my child tipped a plate of fucking food over another child: send him to a new school. Little bastard.

RoseGold7 · 07/11/2020 09:14

@LolalovesLondon

He probably isn’t the ring leader and just wants to make others laugh.

How on earth do you know that?
Either way, It doesn’t matter if he was the ring leader or not. He was there and part of it.

He needs to realise that these aren’t “friends” he’s with. He needs to learn empathy and that true friends wouldn’t make him feel like he needs to bully others to “fit in” with the crowd. He needs to be punished but also learn how his behaviour can damage others’ lives.
Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:14

I would find what he hates. And use that.

And I’d be punishing him for a long long time.

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/11/2020 09:14

Stop giving the op a hard time, you can often do everything right but your children can disappoint you with their behaviour.

TagMeQuick · 07/11/2020 09:15

I’m glad the comments have become more finger pointing at you OP. He’s done it before and you’ve not handled it properly.

You need to teach him empathy for others. How you do that is your choice but yes if he’s the one actually doing the physical acts of bullying he’s not “trying to fit in” he’s the ring leader and you’re in denial.

You’ve somehow raised a boy with no social responsibility. Do you ever do any charity work? Do you ever cross the paths of people less fortunate than yourself? Do you ever question how privileged you are? It sounds like you’re living in a bubble and he’s never been made to be responsible for his actions.

How terrified must that poor child be about going into school on Monday? How sick with humiliation must that poor child be feeling over the weekend knowing that on Monday he must meet your awful child because you’ve not bothered to teach him plain common decency.

Your son needs to learn the long term consequences of bullying and that he may now have triggered a cycle of self harming and depression in that child. You’ll say oh he didn’t know that child was vulnerable. More excuses, enabling his behaviour.

This post makes me absolutely livid and sick to the stomach. It’s children like yours that make the world a shitty place.

Show him how to think about people OTHER THAN HIMSELF. His needs to look cool do not Trump the the needs of other children’s needs of a normal school day without fear of harassment and humiliation.

If I was that parent you’d be getting a visit from the police. What a shame it has come to this. You have some long term work to do to re empathise that boy.

Reborn2020 · 07/11/2020 09:15

@IWantT0BreakFree

I'm hoping it's just the difficulties of accurately expressing tone via social media that are making you sound so calm and unperturbed. If not, you need to find some white hot anger and true disgust at your son's actions.

I went to school with a lad who hung himself after being bullied. He couldn't take it any more. The consequences of the behaviour of children like your son can be devastating and span generations. That poor boy will never grow up, have a family and a career. His parents will never get over it. His siblings will always miss him.

The immediate concern for me is the victim's wellbeing. I know school is closed, but are you able to contact his parents over social media to let them know what's happened so they can support their traumatised child? If not, you need to be on the phone as soon as school opens on Monday to ensure that this child is being supported and checked on.

Then there's the issue of how you deal with the bully. It sounds like his friendship group is a huge catalyst for his behaviour given that he seems to be enjoying bragging rights. Either he is desperate to fit in with that particular group, or he feels pressured to behave a certain way, or he is "leader of the pack" and is flexing and enjoying all the attention and kudos. Whatever the reason, I would be immediately and permanently severing those ties. Those friendships would no longer be permitted and I would be demanding that school get on board by taking immediate steps to disband this toxic group for their own sakes and for the safety of other pupils (separating them in lessons and monitoring to ensure they remain separated at break times - spending their break times in detention if they won't remain apart). At home, I would be ensuring that DS had no means of contacting them at all. No phone, no tablet/laptop/PC, no Xbox. Nothing. This wouldn't be "I'm taking away your phone for a week". For me, I'd be taking it all away indefinitely with no current plans to return it. Buy an alarm clock so he has absolutely no excuse to need his phone.

He would be going to school and coming home. No playing out or leaving the house without a parent. At home I would allow access to wholesome and valuable pastimes such as reading, art materials, writing materials etc but no electronics whatsoever. If a laptop is required for school work, he would be doing it in a public part of the house (which is where all children should be if they are online anyway) and I would literally be hovering over him or sat right next to him to supervise his internet use.

I would be handing his freshly laundered blazer into the school office so that the other boy could take it (if he wants to) to use until DS has earned enough money to pay for a new one for the child.

I would demand that he write proper, meaningful apology letters to the boy and his parents. I would get the headteacher to offer the boy and his parents the opportunity to recieve a face to face apology (bear in mind they may not want to).

Given that this is now a pattern of behaviour for your son and not an isolated or out of character incident, you need to come down extremely heavily. His behaviour could quite literally drive another child to suicide. It's that serious. You need to take drastic steps.

Very good points

He doesn't appear to have learnt from the last time he bullied

Dominicgoings · 07/11/2020 09:16

@orangesalad

Really interesting points about how my son buying a blazer for the child will inadvertently give him another stick to beat this child with. Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.
Absolutely pointless.
nanbread · 07/11/2020 09:16

Personally, before coming down on him like a tonne of bricks I would talk to him calmly as poss and try to find out what's at the root of this behaviour. Why is he doing it. You won't get very far with this though if you go in all accusatory and angry.

Punishments may only stop it for as long as they continue and may also make him resentful and take it out on the poor bullied boy.

Dominicgoings · 07/11/2020 09:17

Why isn’t he awake yet?

IWantT0BreakFree · 07/11/2020 09:17

I meant to add, obviously you do also need to find out why he is behaving this way and make sure that nothing has happened to him/is happening to him. But that shouldn't stop you from taking any of the sort of steps I, and loads of PPs, have outlined.

And some reflection on home life and what he is exposed to in terms of language and values from you and his dad, adult content or inappropriate content on TV, TikTok, social media etc, older siblings. Is he being exposed to things within your household that are shaping his behaviour at school? I understand it's uncomfortable to examine our own behaviour but given the huge influence we have on our children, it's necessary.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:17

@Cheeeeislifenow

Stop giving the op a hard time, you can often do everything right but your children can disappoint you with their behaviour.
The op hasn’t done anything this time. And what she did in the last hasn’t worked.
Tara336 · 07/11/2020 09:18

Writing a letter of apology is a cop out for him. He humiliated that boy by tipping food over him, he should apologise in person

gypsywater · 07/11/2020 09:19

"Disappoint you with their behaviour". Talk about understatement. Her son could drive this poor kid to mental health problems and even suicide. Our MH service is filled with adults traumatised and damaged by severe bullying such as this. It is serious.

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