DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

Take your sons pocket money from him and buy the kid he's been bullying a new blazer, why should the parents have to fork out money from something your kid done, can't be going about destroying someone else's property with no consequence, I disagree with others about not buying him one. The boy then has the choice to chuck it in the bin or wear it. And honestly after my kid spent all her school years being bullied because she was autistic and then spending months in a kids pyschiatric unit because of the bullying, you're lucky the mother isn't coming to your door.
Because a kid is supposedly crazy that's OK to bully him, your son needs a lesson in empathy and compassion, since he was open to still namecall him to you it's clear he's lacking in both.

Jeez there is some TERRIBLE advice on this thread, encouraging you to repeatedly shame your child and make him feel like shit, you've already come up with a pretty hardcore plan to make this right - fair enough - but there are people on here telling you to make him watch those videos again and again, telling you to dump food on him and film it and share it and laugh at it.. utterly dreadful advice that might end in HIS suicide were you swayed to do it.

As pp have said, he DOES need compassion, love and support to change, not just punishments.

cutekittens : My dd is adopted and she would NEVER do anything like this! NEVER

That's good but your DD has her early life experiences and the OP's son has his.

he needs to pay for a replacement blazer and make an apology to the boy and his family.
If it were one of mine their phone would be history. we've been on the receiving end of this kind of thing and its shitty, made worse when parents brush it off and let their precious darlings carry on using bloody Whatsapp. DC harm themselves over stuff like that.
do DC not have to scrape slops off plates at schools anymore? or tidy up playgrounds. contact the school and ask what sanction they're going to issue.

Blasting your son with images of suicidal victims does not seem appropriate, nor do complex rules involving "earning " things back.

Yes it does. He's 13, not 3. He's capable of pushing other teenagers to killing themselves, he should learn that. If he still wants to do it after that, you've got a serious problem.

OP I think you're doing great. If I were you though, I'd be contacting the parents of his friends and involving them in the same kind of punishment to be honest. They may not have done the same things as your son (maybe they have or done other stuff) but they stood there and laughed. That's just as bad to the teen being bullied because it's a group of their peers laughing at them. I'd want to know if my child was doing that, they'd get the same punishment.

Let him earn his blazer back this weekend and teach him how to be a compassionate, empathetic human being by you showing him how.
Combating bullying by bullying and shaming isn’t the way to do it.
If you do get him involved in a charity, let him research and choose a charity himself. Don’t make supporting a charity into a punishment. It could be an amazing experience for him, boosting his self esteem, teaching him some skills, learning how to care about others and become a socially responsible adult.
Forcing him to do it as a punishment could have the opposite effect.

Well done for taking it seriously OP. I'm glad you are taking responsibility and helping your son. For all the parents who say their child would never bully, make sure you have an open mind. My daughter was bullied by three children. One of the parents accepted it and helped their child. The others wouldn't. The one who got the help she needed is a wonderfully kind teenager. The other two have recently had managed moves out of their high school. Good children make bad choices sometimes and good adults do too. It is what we do next that matters.

OP.....first of all, the first thing that jumped out to me was did this chain of events definitely all happen? The likelihood of the dumping of food and dandruff and bird poo on the same day....? Could he have been exaggerating ?

Assuming this is true , you absolutely need to come down here. No phone, no WhatsApp , a new blazer earned by him doing chores to pay for it , and a serious bollocking.

However I draw the line at showing him suicide videos and all the rest of it. We need to stop circulating this stuff.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

I would perhaps contemplate getting his blazer, lobbing something milky up the back and chucking it in the bin / letting him go to school with “milk” stains up the back. He needs to learn empathy and unfortunately at his age I don’t think taking away phones etc works. TBH I have never found that sort of punishment works. I just talk to my kids about why and they behave really well.

Do not do this in a million years.

And if @Ritasueandbobtoo9 you find that just talking is what works , why would you advise this?

I would take his phone, tv and digital devices off him. I’d ground him for a month and have him working like a dog doing household chores. I would also take him round to the boy’s house to apologise to the boy and his parents. His behaviour is disgraceful.

It must be really horrible for you.

My DD had a persistent bully at that age. School eventually stopped it by making this girl stand up in year assembly and tell everyone that she had been spreading lies and apologise to DD. It didn't make them the best of friends but it did make the other girl and her friends wary of DD thereafter.

I agree with others, showing him pictures of suicide victims ect will not do anything but become immune to horror and could make him worse. Nor do I support shaming him either, what use is bullying a bully it could make things worse and him taking it to far with the boy and yourself classed as a bully. How'd he feel if his own kid was bullied? What if they took their lives because the bullying went to far? Those are questions you ask your son, ask him how'd he feel if someone did that to him? And what if he bullies the wrong person one day and they kick his arse? To me a bully is a coward who needs a group to entertain their mundane sad exsistance, that's what you explain to him.. No need for humiliating or shame, at 13 he's old enough to know right from wrong. It needs stamped on now otherwise he will never grow out of being a bully

Have you also sat him down and told him about the amount of kids who have taken their own lives due to dispicable behavior like his.

@TagMeQuick

I’m glad the comments have become more finger pointing at you OP. He’s done it before and you’ve not handled it properly.

You need to teach him empathy for others. How you do that is your choice but yes if he’s the one actually doing the physical acts of bullying he’s not “trying to fit in” he’s the ring leader and you’re in denial.

You’ve somehow raised a boy with no social responsibility. Do you ever do any charity work? Do you ever cross the paths of people less fortunate than yourself? Do you ever question how privileged you are? It sounds like you’re living in a bubble and he’s never been made to be responsible for his actions.

How terrified must that poor child be about going into school on Monday? How sick with humiliation must that poor child be feeling over the weekend knowing that on Monday he must meet your awful child because you’ve not bothered to teach him plain common decency.

Your son needs to learn the long term consequences of bullying and that he may now have triggered a cycle of self harming and depression in that child. You’ll say oh he didn’t know that child was vulnerable. More excuses, enabling his behaviour.

This post makes me absolutely livid and sick to the stomach. It’s children like yours that make the world a shitty place.

Show him how to think about people OTHER THAN HIMSELF. His needs to look cool do not Trump the the needs of other children’s needs of a normal school day without fear of harassment and humiliation.

If I was that parent you’d be getting a visit from the police. What a shame it has come to this. You have some long term work to do to re empathise that boy.

What a load of nonsense with a truckload of assumptions.

His Christmas present this year would be a new blazer which would be given to the poor kid he took delight in humiliating.

8 pages now so I haven't read them all but wanted to say - have you told DS about your experience of bullying at school .
If not why not??????
I would have thought your experience of it and the emotions it seems to still evoke are a pretty good lesson for why DS should not do this.

Our school's worst bully is also the most popular kid in the class. Sure, deep down they're all just glad they're not the ones being humiliated but it doesn't change that he thinks he can walk on water. He was excluded and not allowed on the school trip most recently and he basks in it.

No, he isn’t popular, not really. Everyone hates him. The truly popular kids in the end are the effortlessly cool, who are nice to everyone. Honestly.

@Cutekittens

My dd is adopted and she would NEVER do anything like this! NEVER

OMG, really? It’s almost like adopted children aren’t one homogenous group with identical life experiences

@MRex

Getting him to have empathy is the key here, punishment won't work on its own. I would have him talking about it until I was convinced that he understands the impact of what he's done. So he would have to explain convincingly how it might feel for the other kid, what risks that poses for the other child's mental health, how it encourages other children to bully etc. Then work on behaviours; how to apologise effectively (and understand it might not be accepted), how to behave of other situations arise.

Totally this. You're doing a good job, OP because you intend to follow it up and have empathy. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do, it's very hard. As others have said, do your best to tell the school and maybe prepare some kind of apology. It's good that you've taught your kids to be thoughtful even though this time it didn't work out. At least you're doing something about it and facing up to it which can be incredibly daunting.

Please, could we drop the blazer? Maybe?
Its not about a blazer.

You’ve somehow raised a boy with no social responsibility. Do you ever do any charity work? Do you ever cross the paths of people less fortunate than yourself? Do you ever question how privileged you are? It sounds like you’re living in a bubble and he’s never been made to be responsible for his actions.

I hope now that you’ve realised the OP’s son is adopted you’re mortified about this comment, although your later comments don’t convey the level of shame I’d expect.

This post makes me absolutely livid and sick to the stomach. It’s children like yours that make the world a shitty place.

The most embarrassingly hyperbolic comment I’ve ever seen on MN, and that’s saying something. It’s not Donald Trump, it’s not Covid, it’s not extremism or conflict or racism, it’s not climate change - no no, in this person’s head, it’s children like the OP’s son who are responsible for making the WHOLE WORLD a shitty place.

Probably should have posted on the adoption or teenagers boards OP. Any mention of bullying triggers a lot of people on AIBU and they immediately act as if the child in question is the devil incarnate because they haven’t dealt with their anger at their own childhood bullies.

Which, to be fair, illustrates what long-lasting effects bullying can have. Look at some of the savage comments on here made by actual adults about a child - that’s how much anger people can carry with them!

''Good and bad at games'' the superb Channel 4 drama about bullying is on you tube.. 1983, but it struck a chord with all who have been bullied who watched it.

Look it up if you want to watch it. It had superb reviews at the time.

@randomer

Please, could we drop the blazer? Maybe? Its not about a blazer.

Spot on.

Watch ''Good and bad at games' on you tube instead.

Brilliantly observed, and shows the damage that can continue into adulthood. 5 stars from me.

@Buddytheelf85

You’ve somehow raised a boy with no social responsibility. Do you ever do any charity work? Do you ever cross the paths of people less fortunate than yourself? Do you ever question how privileged you are? It sounds like you’re living in a bubble and he’s never been made to be responsible for his actions.

I hope now that you’ve realised the OP’s son is adopted you’re mortified about this comment, although your later comments don’t convey the level of shame I’d expect.

This post makes me absolutely livid and sick to the stomach. It’s children like yours that make the world a shitty place.

The most embarrassingly hyperbolic comment I’ve ever seen on MN, and that’s saying something. It’s not Donald Trump, it’s not Covid, it’s not extremism or conflict or racism, it’s not climate change - no no, in this person’s head, it’s children like the OP’s son who are responsible for making the WHOLE WORLD a shitty place.

Probably should have posted on the adoption or teenagers boards OP. Any mention of bullying triggers a lot of people on AIBU and they immediately act as if the child in question is the devil incarnate because they haven’t dealt with their anger at their own childhood bullies.

Which, to be fair, illustrates what long-lasting effects bullying can have. Look at some of the savage comments on here made by actual adults about a child - that’s how much anger people can carry with them!

Having my own kid ripping her wrists to bits, crying her heart out and having a couple of suicide attempts, I am angry at those that bullied her, I also swore blind that next time anyone says something to her in a negative hurtful way, I'd be round the door of the person saying it and punching their mother in the face. I don't one day have to Bury my child because of some little rugrat who has issues that they want to reflect on someone else who hasn't done them wrong. If it's your child it's your responsibility as adult to keep them in check and teaching them right from wrong. It may be wrong to punch the bullies mother in the face but by god it would feel satisfying. So if people feel angry it's because of schools pussy footing and doing nothing to tackle bullies, as parents wtf are parents to do, even the animal kingdom the mothers will protect their young.

@Leannethom85

Agree. Some feral kid, adopted or not, making someone else’s life a misery and people are falling over themselves to make excuses for him. The empathy brigade clearly don’t have enough empathy for the poor kid who is probably dreading every facing his peer group for the total public humiliation he faced. That kind of thing lives with you forever. A ticking off for being a bully perhaps will be forgotten by OPs soon. That said, OP is doing something about it, many parents just make excuses for their precious ones while trumpeting ‘empathy’ all day long.