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Original poster

DS bullying a child at school

547 replies

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:45

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 07/11/2020 12:56

Sounds like a fantastic plan of action, well done OP

2bazookas · 07/11/2020 13:02

I see he's 13. Old enough to be charged with assault.
If I were the other childs parents I'd be seriously considering that option right now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2020 13:03

You’ve just taught your ds a brilliant lesson. I hope now you can all build on this experience. I am flabbergasted by some of the comments on this thread and think the calm, reflective approach you’ve taken will be more effective than going to war with your ds. It sounds as if he needs a lot of comfort and reassurance despite his horrible behaviour.

TagMeQuick · 07/11/2020 13:04

@Cutekittens

I used the word “some” in my post. Not “all”.

I have known a fair few very well adjusted adopted children.

My comment was around the care system (and children being left in abusive families for too long.) These children can lack empathy. But note again I’m not saying “all” of them.

amusedbush · 07/11/2020 13:07

That's a good update. I'm glad he has had his eyes opened to the lasting effect of bullying.

I was bullied horribly at secondary school by a group of girls. They physically and verbally abused me for years. I stopped leaving my house apart from school, my hair was falling out and I gained a lot of weight due to binge eating. I moved away to a new city and built a life that I'm proud of but I recently found out that the ringleader is the long-term partner of my brother's soon to be BIL.

He phoned me and said he'd never mentioned it before because he didn't want to bring up any bad memories but she will be attending their wedding. Last time I saw her up close she was beating the shit out of me in the dinner hall for absolutely no reason other than she didn't like me and wanted to look "hard" in front of her cronies.

I'm 30 and I had a full-on panic attack at the thought of being in the same room as her. Bullying might be a "laugh" for the bully but for the victim, the after effects run deeper than you can imagine.

VestaTilley · 07/11/2020 13:08

I’d be furious and I’d bollock my DS and make him see how angry I was.

I’d remove his phone, tablet and all privileges for a month at least. I’d frogmarch him to the Head teacher on Monday, telling the Head what had happened. I’d then tell DS he had to apologise to the boy in person, and promise to NEVER behave that way to anyone again. He’d then receive a severe talking to about the impact of bullying and abuse.

If I was the bullied boys mother I’d be wanting your child suspended.

GintyMarlow2 · 07/11/2020 13:12

It sounds as if he needs a lot of comfort and reassurance despite his horrible behaviour.
I am appalled at this! No, he isn't the one who needs 'comfort and reassurance.' That would be the poor victim of the OP's son's bullying.

Wingedharpy · 07/11/2020 13:12

@LedaandtheSwan : What's a "dumb phone"?

amusedbush · 07/11/2020 13:23

[quote Wingedharpy]@LedaandtheSwan : What's a "dumb phone"?[/quote]
The opposite of a smartphone. As in, a "brick" that doesn't have the internet on it.

Keratinsmooth · 07/11/2020 13:31

Take away the tools that are being used for bullying.... his phone. He pays for the blazer, he apologises to the child and parents. Make school aware and let school also punish him.

lunar1 · 07/11/2020 13:33

You sound like you are handling it well. I would revisit step two on a very regular basis. Children can learn and develop empathy.

mena51 · 07/11/2020 13:35

Seems like the worst kind of bullying to me which needs to be addressed asap, meanwhile your son should move school so that the other child isn't subjected to his antics whilst he learns how to empathise with others.

Clymene · 07/11/2020 13:35

I also think he should be expelled. School - and parents - need to take a zero tolerance approach to bullying.

mena51 · 07/11/2020 13:36

Honestly I'd be livid if anybody in my family does that to another person. It's not a single event, the damaging effects are longterm.

BenoneBeauty · 07/11/2020 13:38

@amusedbush I'm so sorry for how badly you were bullied and the fact that the bully will be at your brother's wedding. Is there anyway you could meet the person beforehand so that's it's over and done with before the wedding day? Horrible situation for you.

EvilPea · 07/11/2020 13:39

Well done op.
Awful situation handled well.
I’d be inclined to drop his head of year an email (although I bet you have already) so when they see them Monday They are already aware and can make sure the poor blazer less kid is ok.

Iwantalonglie · 07/11/2020 13:40

OP, you mustn't demonise your son.

Yes, punish him and make it clear to him that his behaviour has been abhorrent. Also, help him to make amends to the other boy as much as possible. Inform the school that you've found proof of bullying to reduce the opportunities for him to do it again.

But then you do need to help him to move on and to change his behaviour. And it will be much easier for him to do it with your love and support, positively and frequently expressed. Don't let people here make you forgot that a kind child is usually one who has been shown kindness themselves.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 07/11/2020 13:42

My teen dd's school life was made hell by bullies, i had to remove and home educate. Even now at the age of 17 she finds it really difficult to trust her peers because of the bullying.

amusedbush · 07/11/2020 13:43

[quote BenoneBeauty]@amusedbush I'm so sorry for how badly you were bullied and the fact that the bully will be at your brother's wedding. Is there anyway you could meet the person beforehand so that's it's over and done with before the wedding day? Horrible situation for you. [/quote]
Absolutely not. It's a fair suggestion though and I appreciate you trying to help me navigate this situation.

I had a quick stalk on facebook recently and it seems like she's still rough, posting threatening to "kick fuck out of" anyone who looks at her kids the wrong way, etc. My whole family despises her for what I went through (my post barely touched the surface of what she did!) and it has been agreed that we will be seated at opposite ends of the room. She would need balls the size of Texas to talk to me on the day, frankly.

My soon to be SIL's family is aware that she bullied me but apparently the most she has admitted to is "not being very nice" to me in school so I doubt she realises the impact that she actually made. I just want to get through the day, celebrate my brother and his new wife, and get back on with my life.

ukgift2016 · 07/11/2020 13:46

he didn’t have the best start in life. I am not his birth mother, but I love him like my own son and have been a mother to him since he was 5. I’m sure this has affected his empathy levels however he’s not evil at his core,

Actually this does explain why he appears to lack empathy towards others. OP it sounds like your doing well with your 'punishments' to help your son develop an insight into how bullying behaviour.

Beechview · 07/11/2020 13:49

It does sound like your ds got the message. Be careful not to be too harsh with him as that can cause more issues in the long run.
Obviously he does have deep rooted issues which are not his fault, but the best way to help him is through love and guidance, which does include consequences.
Being too harsh has the danger of fracturing the relationship.

randomer · 07/11/2020 14:01

Sorry am I right in thinking this young person has been adopted?

Are there no support services available ( even in these troubled times ) for this sort of issue/

The victim will be cringing and will wish to have no further contact with the abuser in my opinion and should there fore be left to pick up the pieces and resume his education. Apologies and a new blazer are drawing more attention to it.

It's done now.

Blasting your son with images of suicidal victims does not seem appropriate, nor do complex rules involving "earning " things back.
DS has crossed a line. It stops now, Now and for ever and is not repeated. That is the message.

BenoneBeauty · 07/11/2020 14:06

@amusedbush Thanks for you and hope you have a fab time at your brothers wedding.

GintyMarlow2 · 07/11/2020 14:09

Blasting your son with images of suicidal victims does not seem appropriate

Making him watch what can happen when someone is bullied seems entirely appropriate to me.

MRex · 07/11/2020 14:09

Suicide videos was a pretty dramatic leap, it would be ideal to learn empathy based on simply not wanting others to feel upset rather than out of fear they will commit suicide. I think you need to stop those videos and have a long chat, how there can be a range of emotions from being a bit sad all the way to despair. But it's time to give him behaviour to model going forward rather than just saying what he shouldn't do; the importance of kindness, the impact of one smile and kind word. Talk to him about the kind of person he wants to be, how he wants his peers to look back on him, how the joker should bring everyone into the joke not turn it on one.

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