DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

That's a great response orangesalad
It will be helpful to see if he would speak to / explore with someone what he thinks makes him behave in this way? It's a 'teachable ' moment for him. He's had major feedback about what's unacceptable but when he's back in school and with his mates, he'll need to change his behaviour and not fall back into the roles he's already learnt. That's the big challenge with teenagers - they need to learn how to behave differently. There's lots of ways to do this - a good role model, peer support, thoughtful talking things through with a trusted adult but changing how you respond to situations is the big challenge (for all of us)
You can't change other people, but you can change how you respond to them and all that.

Thank you for your update, you are obviously taking this seriously.
Going forward, I would ask school for regular updates on his behaviour. Not every week, but maybe on a monthly basis. If your son knows that this is in place, it will act as a deterrent in case he ever thinks about bullying again.

I'd be marching DS round to this child's house and make him apologise face to face. Grounded, phone off him, no pocket money. There's no excuse for bullying and you need to come down hard on him to stamp this behaviour out.

On top of replacing the blazer, I'd take him shopping and make him choose an "apology" gift that he thinks the other child will like... That might increase his empathy for the other boy as he will have to put himself in the position of considering the other boy's feelings to choose the gift.

I'd also scare him. Point out that he's over the age of criminal responsibility and throwing food over another person is assault. Tell him that if the other boy complains, the police could get involved.

Good luck OP, sounds like a positive start xx

OP, if your son needs a phone to contact you regarding transport after school get him a £9 nokia. Stick to the no phone, no internet rule.

It seems to be a running theme for some adopted children that have been in the care system too long that they lack empathy. Saw it a few times at my children’s school.

Well done OP for trying. I was harsh earlier on but so glad you are taking it seriously. Volunteering in a human need situation would open his eyes further than litter picking though I think it’s great you are considering this line of action, it could well be life-changing. I would suggest time spent in a deprived social setting, maybe Shelter, Crisis or volunteering at a food bank would be very instructive to help him understand how tough life can be on people and he can see and learn from real people. Also to understand more about LGBTQ and also autism and being on the spectrum. There’s a reasonable chance the kid he bullied is either on the spectrum or gay or both. So many autistic kids are bullied, he could watch a few videos on aspergers and how difficult these people find it to make friends, how lonely they are, how much they wished they could fit in. It’s torture going into school knowing on a daily basis you’ll be rejected repeatedly and rates of depression far higher than the norm in autistic people.

Understanding that humans are all so very different but have an equal place on the planet as him and have the right to respect and dignity is very important for his future self to operate from the best possible place.

@orangesalad that is the most fantastic update to read! I hope all parents deal with bullying in a similar way. I’m sure he will learn his lesson. Thank you for letting us know 💐

The more I think about the original post and what OPs son did, the angrier it makes me for the poor kid at the other end of this humiliating behaviour. Plenty of constructive ideas have already been given, but parents who raise awful human beings like this really should look in the mirror to see where they went wrong. We’re you asleep at the wheel, mollycoddling your spawn to the point that they became so destructive.
Imagine the poor boy who has suffered this and had his self esteem destroyed in front of whole load of other peers who he has to see everyday.

if he’s done it before he’s going to do it again. All devices need to be removed until at least christmas. If he needs a phone then a nokia brick is fine.

Well done Op.

@sst1234 if you had indeed read the last update, perhaps you would realise how insensitive your comment about upbringing was.

Well done for recognising it op. So many parents of bullies look to blame everyone but their own child.

[quote Marshyellow]@sst1234 if you had indeed read the last update, perhaps you would realise how insensitive your comment about upbringing was.[/quote]
No it isn’t, because detail of his upbringing or circumstances is no comfort to the the bullied boy who has to go into school on Monday and every day after that.

Good luck OP. Hopefully this is the start of a different path for him.

Amazing update! Please keep on at him. Don't let the severity of his actions lessen over time. Little reminders will keep him in line and prevent any other child going through this shit. Thank you for being a good parent!

@sst1234

Details of his upbringing are certainly relevant if you’re going to be ranting at OP.

The OP is trying her best. It is widely known that abuse and emotional neglect in early childhood can affect the ability to develop empathy for others.

The early years have an enormous impact on a child and with him only coming to you at 5, you could be the best parents in the world (and you do sound excellent) but he's still going to be affected by his first 5 years. So don't let anyone make you think it's your fault. You've dealt with it brilliantly

Well done for setting very clear boundaries. As others have said, early experiences of trauma are likely to have long lasting effects. Depending on what your ds's early experience was, alongside the boundary setting, you may also need to reinforce your love and support for Ds.

I'd tell DS that he will be paying to have that blazer drycleaned; or, to buy a new one depending what the childs parents prefer. Until then, his pocket money is stopped and he is grounded at weekends to protectother children. His phone is confiscated and screenshots taken of the evidence on it . So even if his cronies delete their own pictures and comments, the evidence is still there for the school to deal with.

He will also write a letter of confession and abject apology to the child and parents, and that letter will be copied to the school.

How old is DS? Relevent for potential assault charges.

I think you've handled this very well. Your list of actions show clearly this.

I would let the school know you want to purchase the new blazer for the child so they can arrange it to be done with his parents unless you know them/of them to which I would get in touch and let them know you're dealing with the behaviour and buying a new blazer.

@TagMeQuick

My dd is adopted and she would NEVER do anything like this!
NEVER

@orangesalad
Well done on taking responsible actions for you son’s behaviour
I think this is a good start
Keep his phone away for a very long time

My other dc took an extra £2 with her when was 9 to get food at a party
I had already given £3
I know this doesn’t seem much, but it is the fact that they lied and said that her friend gave it to her.
We told her to go and get her £2 coin (she only had one in her purse) out of her purse and we will give her money back.
She kept saying “no! It’s ok, she said I could keep it”
I said “No! Go and get your purse” and she burst into tears.
She said “ok I lied. I took it with me”
We took away all her money for 2 years until she could be trusted again.

Sorry for the long post

If hes bullied before you need to be stricter. His behaviour is appalling, humiliating another child like that especially since he even mentioned the kid to you throwing his blazer in the bin like HE was a weirdo, your ds is really manipulative.
You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks this time.
That poor child.

I can’t say too much here as it’s very outing but he didn’t have the best start in life. I am not his birth mother, but I love him like my own son and have been a mother to him since he was 5. I’m sure this has affected his empathy levels however he’s not evil at his core, he can be lovely and wants to do well but very often doesn’t think and definitely lacks in empathy, has poor judgement and thinks he knows best but our eyes have been drastically opened and on no level will we tolerate bullying

^ OP my DS went through being an entitled little shitbag who had issues empathising, it's nothing you've done, it's not that he's not your birth child, it's what they go through, it's a normal stage of adolescence.

Don't make his life hell. It sounds as though the videos have done the job. Go and give him a hug, tell him you love him and you hope he will choose to be a better person in future. Don't let him off the hook but once he has learnt his lesson, which it sounds like he has, what's the point in prolonging it. A letter to the poor kid he bullied, his tech confiscated for a week or so & his money to pay for the new blazer but it does really sound like you've hit home with the videos and what you've said to him.