DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

I would have been so angry if my child was discovered to have bullied another child.
Your son's behaviour was truly awful, and I agree with other posters who have pointed to lax parenting. To be honest I'm surprised that you even wanted to admit to your son's behaviour on a forum.
Unfortunately schools today have very few sanctions open to them. Even being excluded can seem a joke to some children. In my day (I am late sixties), bullying like this would have resulted in a caning.
OP, you must be able to see that almost everyone here is utterly disgusted with your son's bullying. He needs to be severely punished, and a 'talking to' is not enough, unless it comes in the form of a visit from the police, which might just make your son think twice.

Gin4thewin

I saw that. People were actually having a go at the dad for ‘humiliating’ his son.

I would ask that he’s supervised by an adult in a separate room for lunch

I would also see if the boys parents are on FB and March him round there to apologize at leader the parents would know you are a decent human being and punish your kids accordingly.

At the moment they’ll believe you’ve raised the devil and not bothered by his actions or will excuse them

It's funny how on a thread about the evil of bullying, some of the comments towards OP are leaning towards exactly that...

OP your son needs a severe wake up call, but his actions at 13 do not automatically mean that he is going to be a terrible adult. However, you need to act now.

I would speak to the school and offer to pay for the blazer as a starting point. Make it clear that you don't condone his actions at all, that you are taking the matter extremely seriously and will support the school in whatever punishment they deem appropriate. This is what the parents will want to hear.

Then at home really let him have it. Phone confiscated for a good while (don't sell it, it may cause resentment that could make matters worse). Ban on any other devices in the home that can access social media. When you eventually let him back on, make it conditional on you monitoring his use regularly.

Make him pay you back for the cost of the blazer.

Chores chores and a few more chores. If that was what he hates most, then this is exactly what he will get.

He's not going anywhere other than school, even when lockdown is lifted.

The biggest telling off you and your DH can muster, including how bullying can effect people, how disgusted you are with his actions and if he ever does anything like this again, he'll wish he'd never been born.

Stay firm and hopefully you can turn this around. All is not lost just yet.

Humiliating and embarrassing him might just be what he needs

Some firm words on a thread are not akin to a vicious assault whereby a young person has their meal dumped over them in a sadistic act of public humiliation

I would be absolutely livid. I too was bullied throughout most of my schooling. I would want to nip this in the bud ASAP to prevent my child continuing this behaviour.

First he would be grounded. No mobile. No electronics at all. For a month given that the nature of the bullying here was more than a bit of name calling - a humiliating incident for the child which could have repercussions for a long time.

I would contact the parents of the child concerned and ask for details to buy a new blazer that my child will be paying me back for. I would let them know the other steps I am taking so they can let their child know.

I would make my son write an apology to the child.

I would inform the school what I had done and the names of any other children involved if whatsapp messages suggested there were

Although I would be angry about this if it were my son, as others have said, I would not be expressing anger as my primary emotion to him.

Anger tends to provoke defensiveness and bravado.

I would be expressing shame, deep shame.

I would be so incredibly upset and ashamed of my son (also 13) if he did this.
By way of punishment, a very wise friend once told me to hit them where it hurts. For example, does he have designer trainers, a cool branded bag? Gelled hair? Get him some supermarket shoes and he had to use a plastic bag for school books. Take away the gel so his hair flops. Let him be what he fears: uncool. Until he realises the vulnerability that people he looks down on feel.

To be honest the creative punishment ideas are probably the most effective in dealing with wayward offspring - I recall stories of a coworker who cut school so her mother went into a full day of school with her dressed in pjs,robe,hair curlers and slippers or the class clown who was disruptive in calculus who walked into the classroom to find his father already sitting there,waiting for his son to take his seat and start disrupting his class-these are students in upper class American high schools. Their friends never forgot and the offenders never did it again. You should attend a full day of classes with him and tell him you can't be certain he can act like a civilized human towards other classmates so you'll be certain for one day it won't happen in addition to apologizing and replacing the blazer.

Bullying in the way you describe is absolutely unacceptable.

Get your bullying son to buy a new blazer, and , let it be said, the truly confident and secure never bully , it is usually the little insecure shits who do.

Have you seen the damage bullying like this does to children?
It affects them right into adulthood. NOT acceptable.

Ask the school to suspend your son too!

Noone has really mentioned this yet, but surely a child who has behaved in the way he has, is probably going to be past the point of really caring / listening too what ever his parents say to him.

Some of the possible punishments may possibly have an impact, but I guessing that if there is no respect from the child things are unlike to change.

oakleaffy
The research has shown than bullies in the early years are often insecure, unhappy children. However at puberty this changes and many bullies at this age are children who are powerful and "cool" with high social capital. These are not unpopular losers. They are successful youngsters and their behaviour is tolerated and accepted by other kids who want to be part of their "in group".

What has happened this morning OP?

Have you been able to alert the other boy’s parents?

I hope you are able to use the good advice in this thread to address this, tough though for you that will be.

@gypsywater

Some firm words on a thread are not akin to a vicious assault whereby a young person has their meal dumped over them in a sadistic act of public humiliation

Agree. It sounds vile.

My advice for any bullied child would be to hit back hard

Knowing what I know now a swift retribution in the form of a well aimed punch or kick stops bullying, especially amongst boys.

Kids sense 'Weakness' in others.

I would actually tell him I was considering moving him to another secondary, away from his friends, if this behaviour didn't stop. Away from the 'need to impress' idiocy.

@Redolent

We're not the strictest parents in the world but we aren't lenient by any means. DS always seems to not care about any rules set by us or the school. If he thinks he can get away with something he will just do it which really worries us.

This isn't really an appropriate reaction - being 'worried' is passive. It should be a productive and constructive response based on tackling the problem. The historical problem is that he has no respect for authority and sees all your 'rules' as claptrap.

What he's done is genuinely horrible, and I would also be looking at options like school relocation. BUT, there's no point in just thinking about punitive measures - 'going down on him like a tonne of bricks', banning this and that. Your ultimate goal is to change his behaviour - so if you want to do that, you you have to be smart and think about other options, including counselling, in-depth discussions with him, reading about mental health - trying to actually connect with your son, rather than push him away.

I agree with this too. For me its the punitive responses in a measured way as in society there are punitive consequences for crime too. But then also a rehabilitative element to try and solve the reason for the behaviour too

@oakleaffy
Damn right. My DB was bullied throughout school - he has Aspergers (none of the other students knew the diagnosis but picked on him for the traits) and had bad acne etc. In Year 11 he snapped and punched one bully so hard that he shattered his jaw. He was never bullied again. Best thing he ever did. Sadistic shit deserved it and more after 5 years of abusing my DB.

@CulturallyAppropriatedName

oakleaffy The research has shown than bullies in the early years are often insecure, unhappy children. However at puberty this changes and many bullies at this age are children who are powerful and "cool" with high social capital. These are not unpopular losers. They are successful youngsters and their behaviour is tolerated and accepted by other kids who want to be part of their "in group".

They are still ''Little Shits''.

Some of the priciest Public schools have the worst bullying.

Watch 'Good and bad at games' a very good drama from years ago....So very realistic.

I am 44 years old, last year I bumped into my school bully at a funeral last year. He is a grown man with children. I was able to hold it together until I got in the car and then I had a full blown panic attack. I felt sick, I was shaking. I came home and cried in bed for the rest of the day.

He humiliated me in a very similar way and on one occasion he drew up a petition where he faked lots of different names of people who hated me and wanted me out of the school.

I left school in 1992ish, that is the long term effect that bullying has.

I had hoped never to see that individual again for as long as I lived. Funnily enough he has daughters and I quite often think how he would feel if one of his children came home and told him something similar. I hid my bullying from my parents as I was so humiliated.

It needs to be replaced
No, the bullied child and their parents need to be given agency in this situation. It's their choice if they want the blazer replaced or cleaned. Psychologically, they may not want even a tenuous link to the bullies through payment of a blazer. If they want to refuse a replacement or cleaning, then OP can make her DS make a donation to a bullying charity instead as I said in my post.

[quote gypsywater]@oakleaffy
Damn right. My DB was bullied throughout school - he has Aspergers (none of the other students knew the diagnosis but picked on him for the traits) and had bad acne etc. In Year 11 he snapped and punched one bully so hard that he shattered his jaw. He was never bullied again. Best thing he ever did. Sadistic shit deserved it and more after 5 years of abusing my DB.[/quote]
Yes!
Exactly.

Nips it in the bud completely.

A once bullied young man said ''Even if you are quaking inside, show no outward fear, hit hard and fast''...no more bullying.

@LolalovesLondon

People keep using the word ‘popular’ to describe these nasty characters. Children do too - ‘they are in the popular crowd miss’. They are not ‘popular’. The majority of children hate them, are intimidated by them and are scared of them. They are sick of being dominated and put down by people like your son.

Yes children often are popular for the wrong reasons. Being popular is not necessarily the same as being well liked and well thought of. Something for OP’s son to ponder perhaps.

I was bullied at school. I knew all the answers and was clever but could never say anything incase the bullies bullied me. They used to tease and humiliate me. I hate those bitches. It got so bad that myself and friend went to the head of the year. The bullies hwere told off and made to apologise but they laughed and sniggered as they did so in front of the bitch teacher. Once they were told off they went back to their friends who were outside laughing😭. They used to taunt me and say are you gonna go to the head . They had a assembly about bullying but It didn’t move these bullying at all. What made it really worse was the bitch bully was given an award for the best conduct for student at the end of the school year. The bastard head knew She was an evil bully and still allowed her to have an award. I couldn’t aspire academically. I wish they die in accidents avd I see them crying in pain. I hate them so much. It’s affected all parts of my life. I have trust issues. I can never really trust anyone and always think that maybe they are secretly evil. I have tried to get help for my problems. Had some sessions after waiting fiveyears but it dydnt help. Those bully butch are settled happy and content but took the best years of my life. Today I was thinking of one of them and hated her so much. I was going To write a letter that she was an evil bitch and I hope She and her family died.

I get angry at myself as to why I didn’t do this and that . I couldn’t say anything to defend myself. Sometimes I pretend to go go back in time avd visualise swearing at the bullies or having some protective stronger people who scare the bullies.

These girls were bullied cis they were plain evil and nasty. There is no excuse for what they did. They revelled in the power.

Is your son the main bully? Cos even if he gets punished then the other nasty friends of his could get that poor kid as they got their mate in trouble. The bully group will take any punishment as a badge of honour .

I would go to the school and ask to meet up with all the friends parents. Some parents will deny this and say it’s not even their angel. I would tell these parents that I’m absolutely disgusted at my son behaviour avd that adults suffer long term issues and show them pictures of real kids being bullied and who committed suicide. I would ask them how they would feel if someone treated their kid like this .

Then I would take your sons phone, sell it, and tipp rotten food all over him and record it And then show him the video. I’d get some of my own friends Abd family to witness this And laugh. Then I’d ask him how it feels. I wonder if that poor kid will feel like he in his adult life. The effects of bullying last a lifetime. I know I’m a different person because of the bullying.

My son 13 is struggling with bullies at the moment. He is not a typical rough and tumble boy he hates football, video games, star wars etc. He enjoys music and drama and all his friends are girls. He is also very hardworking and gets extremely cross when children mess about. It is normal of boys of this age to show off and want to be top dog they do not seem to care about hurting anyone else it seems to be all about them!!!! My son has had glue put all over his blazer this week has been called a snitch and a nerd. Because of covid he is literally with the same class all day and the boys hate him, whereas the girls adore him- he says his girlie gang gets him through the day and he knows these boys are just doing it to look popular. Worst thing is the ringleader is my boss son!!!!!! Could be very awkward. School are on board though and have been great and he even says he feels safe because his head of year keeps checking on him. I think your son needs to know how much his actions hurt others and but there seems to be so many 13 yr olds out there who just care about themselves my DD is 14 and she can sometimes be so selfish and everything is all about her and I am sure this is a hormonal teenage thing that as they mature does improve. I would take away all things that make a difference to him in his life, games console phone etc . It sounds like you have brought him up to respect others and he is probably being influenced by others. What is his school like?? My son goes to a "good" school but its intake is not brilliant because of its location and they have a lots of behavioural issues but the nurturing approach is fantastic but I think because they have a large intake of children with huge family and emotional issues they have to be nurturing which then compromises on strictness!!! My DD goes to an outstanding single sex school but they have no empathy with pupils and is exceptionally strict but they have a huge amount of children with mental health issues due to the pressure to perform academically. It must be a horrible thing to find out!! But as long as you continue still telling him that you love him but make him realise his behaviour is not ok and work with the school hopefully it will stop.