DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

I agree with others that say he should apologise in person with parents present. He needs to see his victim is a real person. His victim might find it helpful to see his bully apologising to his face.

Hi Op, I just want to reach out and say thank you to you for picking up and asking for advice on how to tackle this problem. There are many parents out there who's children make other children's life a misery and have no idea or take no action whatsoever.

My daughter was bullied because she was short. Please can you tell me how I am supposed to make her grow taller?

You're not. I'm advocating supporting her to have the resources to manage the bullying in her way in order to keep herself safe.

Can you explain more about victims of bullying having low tolerance to lack of power and control?

Show him this thread.

Our school's worst bully is also the most popular kid in the class. Sure, deep down they're all just glad they're not the ones being humiliated but it doesn't change that he thinks he can walk on water. He was excluded and not allowed on the school trip most recently and he basks in it.

His parents come in (regularly) and say "we don't know what to do" and when we ask what they already HAVE done, the answer is nothing. Because it's our job.

Though they did buy him a moped so he didn't have to get the school bus with his victim.

The book Bully-Proof Kids explains this theory far better than I can on a forum. One aspect I like is that she says (and I paraphrase),

Being bullied isn't right and shouldn't happen. It should be solvable by parents going in to school. But it isn't. So lets accept that and find something that actually works and keeps our kids safe

Your son has been a disgusting human being. You don't sound anywhere near angry enough

If that was my child I'd go apeshit and punish them in every way possible

I disagree that there is always something the victim can do. That is simplistic and incredibly naive.

I agree with the idea of at least threatening to move his school to begin with. It's very worrying that this is the second time you've caught him bullying. Make it very clear how disgusted and embarrassed you are by his behaviour and if he even looks nastily at another child again you will follow through with changing his school and removing his power base.

But I think ultimately you really need to get to the bottom of his bullying behaviour now it's clear that it's not one off behaviour.

If I was the other child's parent I would be getting the police involved and I hope that they do.

The phone and any internet access would be gone for a very very long time, no social time outside of school (there really shouldn't be anyways lately)
Definitely make him pay for the new blazer and inform the school. Don't let it lie and dig until you find out why he's doing it, a lot of bullies are insecure and want to try and fit in, just at someone else's expense.

Though they did buy him a moped so he didn't have to get the school bus with his victim.

If he's old enough to ride a moped, and is still bullying other people, I think that ship has sailed.....

Can you explain more about victims of bullying having low tolerance to lack of power and control?

It's both bullies and bullied. They respond to smaller shifts of power in a group.

What is the causal relationship?

@Redolent

This discussion is kind of depressing because really, the best and most appropriate time to teach empathy is in toddler and infanthood. Problem you see now might stem back from that point. Of course you can try to tach it now, to 're-wire' his feelings, but it'll almost certainly need professional help. Tipping a plate of food over his head will do nothing.

We see around us, all the time, adults completely lacking in empathy, and exhibiting sociopathic traits. It's very difficult to 'fix' this after a certain point, even through therapy, because these people simply aren't capable of feeling compassion or taking genuine responsibility for their actions.

I think your post should be compulsory reading for all new parents!

You need to speak to your DS and find out what happened. Sometimes WhatsApps with friends aren't accurate understatement of the year
Then if it happened, the way you think - letter of apology from your DS to the other DC; contact the school; your DS offers to pay for the blazer to be dry-cleaned or replaced (if the other family refuse, then you make your DS make a comparable donation to a bullying charity). Plus conversations with your DS about his friendship group; about the impact of bullying; about the difference between chatting and WhatsApping, etc. Plus losing his phone and console.

manage the bullying

Jesus. Bullying needs to be stopped. That is all. I would home educate my child before I allowed her to treat other people like this.

Honestly, i doubt there's anything you can do now. It isn't the first time, and punishment didn't work before. If he fundamentally doesn't care about hurting someone else, you can't make him care.

DS offers to pay for the blazer to be dry-cleaned or replaced

The blazer has been covered in food and thrown in the bin. It needs to be replaced, not because I wouldn’t myself wear something dry-cleaned that had been in the bin, but because the child is being bullied already, and their being called “Binzer” isn’t going to help the situation.

I think you are a very good mum and you are doing the right things.

From my observations, 99% of mothers turn a blind eye to this behaviour as long as it's not their own child being bullied.

I have seen mothers aggressively defending their bully child.

The hardest part is for a mother (like you) to acknowledge it and do something about it.

You're a rarity and you have my respect.

Jesus. Bullying needs to be stopped.

I agree. What's your advice to parents?

Whilst you can provide opportunities to explore feelings of empathy, you can't teach it as such - if the emotion is absent for example. It's something we develop over time, alongside our other emotions. Children learn at different stages, there's no one size fits all, but a 13yr old unable to empathise is something I feel needs to be looked into by a professional to explore why.

If however your DS is able to recognise emotional distress in others, but not care, then that's another different issue that very much needs professional intervention.

In school we explore emotions, how to recognise our feelings, how to act appropriately to them. For example, it's OK to feel angry, it's how you act on it that matters. Lots of children (I'm talking year 6 here, so 11 year olds) still struggle with identifying their feelings and then how to handle them. They look to adults to solve their problems for them, rather than develop skills (supported by adults) to help themselves.

So whilst there are some things that can be taught, if the feeling isn't there in the first place, you've got nothing to work with.

Some links that may help:
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/smart-parenting-smarter-kids/201905/how-children-develop-empathy

www.parentkind.org.uk/blog/8719/Helping-children-develop-emotional-literacy

Whilst looking into the above, and accepting that you have some hard work ahead of you as a parent, I would also be contacting the school to see what consequences they are putting in place as it happened at school. They will have spoken to the child involved, the parents of that child, and I would very much hope would follow their policy on consequences.

I would ban SM at present as that seems to be exacerbating the issue and it does not seem your DS currently has the emotional ability to handle being on it.

What's your advice to parents?

Of the victims? Do not stop. Call police. Have meetings with HTs. Call governors. Make as much fuss and noise as you can.

Of culprits? Take your child out of the school.

Nothing would make me more ashamed.
I would be on him like a ten tonne truck. To be honest he would have been hauled out of bed no matter the time and I would spend the whole weekend making him wish he was never born. This kind of thing boils my piss. He would not be doing anything more than breathing without permission. Don't mean for a week or two either. Any tech would be in a bath of water and no chance of return.

Maybe some think it's extreme but that is disgusting behaviour. I have seen what that does, its not just now its the rest of someones life hes messing with.
I would bully him relentlessly. Honestly, I'd reduce him to a snivelling wreck and if he composed himself I'd start again. Really hamming home that feeling of everybody picking on him. Maybe make him realise how shit it makes you feel. Then when he's a puffy red faced mess I would be taking him to this kids house to knock on the door and appologise to him and parents with cash for a new blazer.
They would have it explained that if their son felt better without him in the school anymore then the he would be removed and sent somewhere else. No probs he would be out of the school and sent somewhere he knows no one. Bugger if he loses his friends, will do him good. Sounds like he needs to learn, and fast.

I'd also suggest to your son he needs to be careful.

He may act the hard man with others, but there is always what used to be referred to as the "school nutcase" (generally the whole bloody family go to the school!) who may have seen what he's done and think, "right he thinks he's hard, I'm going to have a go at him", then your sons life could be hell.

There was a video local where some delightful child threatened to 'shank' a member off staff at a local store, the boys dad found out, took him back to the store, made him apologise. Live streamed it and humiliated the boy. Bet he thought twice about doing that again