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AIBU?

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Original poster

"You do nothing to attract me"

410 replies

FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 09:43

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 06/11/2020 10:48

Have been in this sort of relationship and my advice is leave and especially leave if you want to have children because you are very unlikely to have them with this man. Sometimes relationships evolve into friendships and that is what may have happened here for him - although not even the kind of friend you would necessarily want!

loobyloo1234 · 06/11/2020 10:48

Hes said I need to do counselling too

The only thing you need counselling for is to push you into leaving him. Yuk. Come on OP. Dont make excuses for him.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 06/11/2020 10:49

he did say last night I dont take care of myself anymore. When I asked how he said the hair and make up comment

Does he take care of himself?

Looks like he tries to blame you for his own problems. Typical.

Ihaveyourback · 06/11/2020 10:49

You need to find your way back to you.

You have spent so long looking after him and his needs, you have totally lost sight of yourself.

Counselling will be helpful, because it will highlight why you are putting others before yourself over and over again, and why your needs are secondary. You need to unpick why you do this.

He should have no part of your life, he is leeching your love, attention and everything else from you without giving anything back.He has lost all respect for you.

Start respecting yourself now by finishing your relationship - start there - you are better than this!! He sounds truly disgusting, selfish, cruel and impotent. Anyone else quite frankly would be an improvement.

billy1966 · 06/11/2020 10:49

Who cares whether he wants you to stay in this miserable relationship where he speaks badly to you and you feel like crap.

Is this where you want to be in 10 years time, still stuck with a man who isn't giving you what you need.

Who cares what he wants.

Get out and don't waste anymore time trying to fix him.

He's not a project for you to fix.

Get out.
Flowers

Yaty · 06/11/2020 10:49

Depression or not doesnt give him the right to talk to you like this and make you feel the way you do. I would be walking away,what are you getting from this? It doesn't seem like it will get any better anytime soon and all it will do is eat away at your self esteem. You've tried supporting him but if he's refusing to work on things its better to walk away before you become depressed yourself.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:50

He's got the ick" by the sound of it and even though he loves you, there's never really any coming back from that
yes this is another one of my worries. It cant be all those things so which is it bhe changes his mind all the time about what it is. I'm really struggling to understand. I always help him.in anyway he asked. But now nothing makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:51

Does he take care of himself? yes he does. He is always well put together.

OP posts:
WhatifIfeellikeacat · 06/11/2020 10:51

OP, you have no children with him. Leave him.

Sweetchillichicken · 06/11/2020 10:52

I’m sorry but you deserve to feel loved and sexy and regardless of if it’s true you’d never tell him he doesn’t make any effort with his appearance so your not interested.
It was nasty and cruel and you deserve better.

Belladonna123 · 06/11/2020 10:52

My heart broke for you reading your post. What an awful, truly awful thing to say to you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He does. You sound so supportive and are trying to help this man. Stop. Its not for me to say LTB, but you are worth so much more. I was going through my own pain fairly recently and posting on mumsnet really helped me. The support was amazing.

Try to look after yourself today OP. Please keep talking on this if you need support. We are here for you Flowers

Regularsizedrudy · 06/11/2020 10:53

Omg just leave. What’s the point.

Tittiana · 06/11/2020 10:53

Why are you with him? You've no children to consider. I'd have left in a heartbeat.

Trixie18 · 06/11/2020 10:54

Well if I were you I'd take the decision away from him. What do YOU want? Forget how he feels it's not really important. Do you want to stay with a person who treats you like this and makes you feel this way? Decide what you want and take appropriate action.
PS, personally I think you should dump his sorry ass. Good luck xx

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 06/11/2020 10:54

I think he doesn't want you to leave him because that's your decision and it doesn't work for him. You see, you're not attractive for him and that's why he has problems with his libido. You want to leave him but he says he doesn't want it. He will feel much better and a winner when he brings this topic up to make him feel like a winner.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:54

Thank you all. I know you're all right that its over. And no need to be hanging on. I know this. I really do. Its just when some people say it sounds like I'm pushing him and maybe adding to his frustration...I do worry that I am doing that. So if some of it is how I'm handling it,then I'd like to know so I dont do that anymore. Like..I wouldn't want to place on the blame on him if I'm not being supportive enough. If you get me?

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 06/11/2020 10:54

Honey, it’s not you, it’s him. I’m also early 30s, no kids, and DH and I have been together 11 years so don’t have sex as much as we used to but you certainly shouldn’t settle for someone who isn’t willing to do anything about their drop in libido. Has he actually seen a doctor or therapist? Or just said he will?

My DH is quite similar in that he finds it very hard to talk about sex and gets very defensive if i suggest we should do things differently, but we’ve worked on this over time and he certainly has never blamed me. I really think that as it’s clear he is not capable of dealing with this in a mature way, is starting to blame you, and the lack of sex and affection is clearly not something you want to live with (which is completely fine and normal by the way) I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

Newwayofthinking · 06/11/2020 10:56

What does he do to attract you?

He is horrible, leave, find someone who loves you for you, be happy!

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:56

My DH is quite similar in that he finds it very hard to talk about sex and gets very defensive if i suggest we should do things differently

Actually when we spoke about it last week he said part of it was because he was embarrassed he juat does the same thing in bed and lost his confidence. It makes him nervous to try then. Which makes me feel very sad for him.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 06/11/2020 10:58

He doesn't get the final say about whether you're attractive or not. We are all attractive to some people, and not attractive to others. That's on them, not us. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so whether you're attractive or not is down to who you ask, and therefore, his decision is arbitrary.

The logical solution is to find someone who does find you attractive, and ask them instead.

The question is, why are you putting so much stock in his opinion of you? Do you think you're attractive?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/11/2020 10:58

now nothing makes sense

What he says doesn't need to make sense. He is blaming you and punishing you for his own unhappiness and his own failures. So each time something else goes wrong he makes up a random reason why it is your fault not his. So long as he he has you there ready to act as his emotional punchbag he will not take responsibility for himself or for making himself better. He does not seem to feel at all responsible for treating you well or kindly, and by endlessly making allowances and excuses for him you are letting him carry on verbally attacking you. Which must be making you feel terrible. Is that what you want from this relationship? Because he is not showing himself capable of anything better.

wildraisins · 06/11/2020 10:58

So what's he done to attract you recently?

Sounds to me like not much.

Relationships are a two way thing. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this but he is being so selfish. It does sound like it's time to call it quits and you don't have to wait for his permission to do that! It can be your decision, and actually maybe it will give him a wake up call.

Good luck OP

AngusThermopyle · 06/11/2020 10:59

Op, imagine this relationship never changing and you always feeling like this, because he is unlikely to ever change, please don't put up with this for the rest of your life.
He doesn't get to have all the say on whether you break up or not. Fact is, this isn't working for you, and he's a class A cruel prick. If you stay in this relationship I honestly believe several years down the line you'll be in the same position and still unhappy.
Do something good for yourself. You deserve so much more.
You're lucky you're still young and have no kids.
You'll thank yourself in the future for having a lucky escape.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:59

Thanks again for all the answers I really appreciate it and didn't expect many replies I've been feeling so ugly and down. I'm alone all day and mumsnet has really kept me going. Thanks so very much.

OP posts:
Yaty · 06/11/2020 10:59

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He's got the ick" by the sound of it and even though he loves you, there's never really any coming back from that yes this is another one of my worries. It cant be all those things so which is it bhe changes his mind all the time about what it is. I'm really struggling to understand. I always help him.in anyway he asked. But now nothing makes sense
No point trying to understand, especially as he doesn't seem to want to engage in why he is doing the things he is. Hes making you feel like shit, that's not ok and not a relationship you should stay in.