"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

I am wondering if he might be gay? The fact he is crying a lot might indicate he's trying to suppress his feelings. Whatever the problem is, I really don't think you should stay.

Poor you op. I had a boyfriend many years ago who did this to me. He was sleeping with someone else. The tears were guilt, the nasty comments were because he was trying to make himself feel better by making it my fault.
Dont hang around. Whatever reason he is doing it, it isnt a good enough reason and you should get away and build toye self esteem.

I've actually asked if he was gay or anything hes definitely not. Some of our very good friends are gay so he definitely could talk about it if it was the case. He used to watch a bit of porn but hasn't even done that in more than a year . Apparently he doesn't even masturbate anymore. He does genuinely look broken when he gets upset about that. I just dont know if it's me.

Oh god, this is all sorts of terrible. OP, your relationship is beyond over. What on earth are you both hanging onto here? He's said horrible things. What a turd. But do yourself a favour and hear what he's said. There's no deeper meaning. He has said was he's said and he meant it. What a dick.
You're in your early 30s? Waste no more time with this bandit. It will destroy you if you stay. Stop wiping his tears and his backside. He's a big boy. Leave him. He'll be fine! You need to look after you and not let the good stuff pass you by while you try and rescue this moron. My DH has never even attemtped to speak to me so horribly! You shouldn't even try and normalise this. It is not normal and it is totally and utterly dysfunctional. To use that good ol' MN chestnut: The hills are that way --> Run, Forrest! Run!

Try to imagine this relationship reversed.

For whatever reason don’t fancy your partner any more and have mentally checked out of the relationship. Could just be the relationship has run its course, could be you fancy someone at work more, could be depression or mid-life crisis or boredom. Whatever.

You feel guilty about this, so to make yourself feel better you criticise and get angry with your partner. You make him feel that your feelings are his fault. You belittle him when he gets upset by your words and actions. You ignore him when he takes active steps to correct any of the faults you identified. You make any emotional situation about YOUR upset and tears and sneer at any equivalent displays from your partner. You increase the emotional abuse to the level that he is constantly walking on egg shells and playing the “pick-me!” dance because it boosts your ego and makes you feel good about yourself temporarily.

Now- does this course of actions make you a wondrous human being, deserving of effort, tears and love by your partner? Or does it straightforwardly make you an unpleasant prick?

Maybe he just has no sex drive, OP. It’s not mandatory, but people sometimes act like ‘men should be men’ and if they don’t want sex, they’re gay. It could be depression.

It doesn’t matter. He is treating you badly. Get out of there and let him sort his own shit out.

Thank you TheVanguardSix X

OP you are way too young to be stuck in a relationship like this - I really think you two have just come to the end of the road

You’re probably his comfort and he doesn’t want to let that go but he’s just holding you back.

I really think so too. I've broken up twice with a long term partner and both times they refused to accept it for a while, even though I know neither of them were in love with me at that point and they both pushed me to break up with them through their behaviour, subconsciously (or maybe not so subconsciously in one case).

When you find the right person, they will never, ever say things like this or make you feel this way.

I’ve just realised my comment makes it sound like I think it’s ok for older women to be stuck in loveless, sexless relationships with mean men and that isn’t it AT ALL.

I just mean that when you don’t have kids etc, the incentive to try and make it work is so low.

OP you've done everything you can .... honestly... credit to you for staying this long... it's time to ship out lovely 🌺

Me too SpeccyLime it feels like the end. I just now have to end it...whilst constantly hearing in my head how I'm ugly when I cry and and unattractive. Ive been literally cringing all morning when it comes back into my mind.

I wont even wear my hair back off my face anymore because immediately feel I'm 'exposed '

He’s treating you very badly. Please don’t waste your 30s on this man.
Do you think he could be gay and in denial? That would explain his lack of attraction to you and his excuses about hair and make up etc.
Either way, he’s being nasty and utterly unreasonable towards you and this is no way for you to live. Do you want to let the years slip away and still be in this position in your early 40s? Do you want children? If you do then I urge you strongly to leave now. Don’t be like all the women who post on here in their late 30s or early 40s having been strung along for years and now worrying it’s too late for them. Get out now. You deserve better.

“You’re unattractive” is just the cry of the insecure man terrified his partner will leave. He doesn’t want you to go (you probably make life easier for him), so he wants to convince you you can’t do better. Don’t let him.

Poor you op. I had a boyfriend many years ago who did this to me. He was sleeping with someone else. The tears were guilt, the nasty comments were because he was trying to make himself feel better by making it my fault.

Yep! Me too! I may as well add my own account while I'm still here. I had your boyfriend, OP. He'd been shagging a friend of ours for about a year. I wiped his tears, became his maternal crutch, tolerated being unwanted, unloved, yet so depended upon. He needed me to mother him through his messy guilt. It was all sorts of fucked up. And the break up nearly killed me. I was completely destroyed over it. God, I have to struggle to recall his name now. He was so unimportant! The relationship, over the course of my lifetime, left no imprint in the end, thank god. I got over the damage by shagging a really fit bloke. Sorry to debase the topic but it's true. I just had brilliant sex to make up for the loss of sex and joy in a really shitty relationship. I didn't end up with that guy, but I did end up marrying and having my first DS 2 years after that sour breakup with my cheating 'chock full of crocodile tears' ex. The crying! Oy veh! The crying. He cried rivers. He certainly wasn't crying with the other woman.
And who knows if there's someone else? Does it matter? Your relationship is a lousy one. Sometimes, you don't need reasons. You just need to leave.
Don't starve yourself here. It's never ever worth it.

He has since text me and said..."I'm truly sorry, I shouldn't have said that this way. We'll talk better when I'm back from work"

He has since text me and said..."I'm truly sorry, I shouldn't have said that this way. We'll talk better when I'm back from work"

What do you read from that, OP?

SO you stayed with him while he was unwell (depression) supported him emotionally, were understanding about the lack of sex and about the lack of physical affection, gave him the benefit of the doubt when it came to things like hugs/kisses etc and communicated with him that you would like them in case he didnt realise/forgot. I would also bet that you have been doing the majority of the housework/wifework for him and the moment too. And he turns round and you for not wearing makeup when he comes home from work. What the Fuck??? Set him free, then he can go and date a woman that he deserves like Gigi Hadid as he sounds so fantastic, she would surely be deperate to date him!

TheVanguardSix that's horrible. Im sorry that happened but I'm glad you've got a good life now. Definitely not cheating. He only goes to work and straight home. He really doesn't leave the house unless it's to go to our friends for a cuppa. He doesn't go out to see people by himself. Hes generally very tired from work so doesn't leave the house.

He's going to try to spin you some yarn about how his low self esteem makes him say nasty things and please give him another chance, blah blah blah.

sorry for all the missing words/autocorrect. I was in rant mode and typing too fast!

youve done nothing wrong. I think the relationship has reached the end of its road. Please dont degrade yourself trying to attract someone who has checked out.
It wont feel nice, but you need to summon up your self respect and hold your head up high and refuse to be spoken to like that, Hes lying to you and hurting you.
Relationships do end sometimes. It doesnt mean theres something wrong with you, so dont let him blame you for it. He has refused to discuss it despite being given multiple opportunities. You are flogging a dead horse

@FeelingUglyandStupid

Thank you so much. I've asked him this. I've said if the spark is gone or you're not feeling it ..its fine..it happens and we can break up amicably. But he says no way. Maintains he wants to stay in the relationship. Now this.

Well he might want to stay, but why would you?

He's being really vile to you.

"Hes generally very tired from work "
OK, I retract what I typed earlier about you doing the majority of the housework. I bet you do all the housework.