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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You do nothing to attract me"

410 replies

FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 09:43

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:22

yetanothernamitynamechange no..in fairness he does a lot of house work. Probably more than me. I've been feeling shit anyway not working or going out much so I always forget to put the clothes on for a wash.. he always does that. Hangs them out etc. Maybe he resents that I'm not working also.

OP posts:
Poppyismyfavourite · 06/11/2020 10:22

does it really matter why any more? You are not making each other happy so it sounds like the relationship has just run its course.

The right guy will think you're sexy even without your hair done etc! My DH told me he'll always find me sexy the other day - to gove you an idea, I'm 5 months pregnant and have recently started cutting my own hair (it's not good).

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:22

He cooks a lot too. Honestly. He does a lot. That's why this is so confusing to me.

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 06/11/2020 10:23

Also what is he doing to attract You? The square root of fuck all I imagine.

Viviennemary · 06/11/2020 10:23

He sounds very confused and mixed up within himself and is trying now to blame you. You need to walk away as it doesn't look like you are going to find any sort of happy life with him.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2020 10:23

@FeelingUglyandStupid

Thanks very much. I know people have much bigger problems but I'm in tears. I feel so stupid. Thanks so much for the support. I really thought I was going mad.
You're not stupid.

You've been worn down. But now listen to what MN and your inner voice is telling you.

This is no way to live and it won't get better.

Mischance · 06/11/2020 10:24

Depression (and also anti-depressants) can cause loss of libido or impotence.

The problem is his and he feels embarrassed/upset about it so he is trying to place the "blame" on you. That is not an evil thing to do - it is human.

You did not push the issue - you simply acknowledged it and wanted to discuss what is to be done. But he is feeling very sensitive about it and lashed out.

Something needs to be done and if he will not engage with trying to sort this out then it may be that the relationship has run its course.

Vodkatonic8 · 06/11/2020 10:24

You need to take control. It’s almost like you want him to make the decision to end things.
Clearly he doesn’t make you happy anymore. You don’t have kids so there is no reason to carry on flogging a dead horse. You need to take the reigns and bring it to an end. Do you find breaking up hard? Have you ever instigated a break?

aintnothinbutagstring · 06/11/2020 10:25

You're not married, you don't have DC, you're young and should be enjoying life. Even if he kept asserting that it is him, surely life is too short, what about if you wanted to start a family and he keeps crying that he can't have sex or blames you for being ugly 🤷
I'd just call it a day, it's not gonna get any better is it? He'll just carry on throwing you crumbs, and crying Hmm

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:25

Thanks so much for all the support. Ive wanted to post about it for a while. Honestly thanks. I needed to hear some things. For sure. They are things ive worried about before but was told i was paranoid and it wasn't an issue. So thanks x

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/11/2020 10:26

What are you getting from this relationship anymore besides coldness, paranoia, insults and upset? You have no kids together thankfully, I would leave

Ihaveyourback · 06/11/2020 10:26

Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore

It would be over for me at that moment, and needs to be over for you.

This is not about you, this about HIM.

Op, you are in the privileged position of not having children to worry about and huge commitments with this feeble, impotent man. Get out, and go and find someone that will want to rip off your silk pjs and show you the love and passion you deserve.

You have settled for this poor excuse of a man for far too long as it is. Cut your losses, and finish it for good. You will never get over that comment, he is never going to be intimate or even affectionate. You can do so much better than this.

Leave and never look back, what an absolute knob.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2020 10:26

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He has since text me and said..."I'm truly sorry, I shouldn't have said that this way. We'll talk better when I'm back from work"
There's no 'other way' to say it.

And He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you"

Tell him the 1950s are that way

EmeraldShamrock · 06/11/2020 10:27

Attack is the first form of defence.
It's awful he is depressed but is the relationship worth it. Flowers

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:27

Mischance

Depression (and also anti-depressants) can cause loss of libido or impotence

The problem is his and he feels embarrassed/upset about it so he is trying to place the "blame" on you. That is not an evil thing to do - it is human

Yes!!! Exactly. I said this very thing to him last night. I said its textbook..its an attempt to make himself feel better it's what people do. That's when he turned n said I make things up in my head and he told me it was me not attracting him.

OP posts:
Handsoffisback · 06/11/2020 10:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

loobyloo1234 · 06/11/2020 10:29

Oh no OP. Dont let him explain his way out of this. That is so so hurtful. And so mean. You deserve a hundred times better. Stop trying to change yourself for him, he sounds like a pig

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:29

You're all so right . Every one of you.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/11/2020 10:29

I agree with JumperooSue. He is a mess and he doesn't really know what he wants. He mostly seems to want you there so he can take his unhappiness out on you. You can't fix him, he needs to sort himself out and he will not do that while he has you there hanging on his every word. If you were married with kids I would suggest taking a big step back from all this and building up your own independent life. Since you don't have kids I don't see much point you spending more time on this relationship. Start thinking about what else you want from life.

ShadyBansheeThing · 06/11/2020 10:31

You don't have to put up with that! In a way it doesn't matter what's wrong with him - something's going on, but whether it's porn, an affair, being gay, depression or whatever, instead of being honest with himself and you, he's choosing to lash out, blame you and make you jump through hoops, yet whatever you do is never good enough. That's just him projecting and acting out to make himself feel better. That's not a relationship. He's made you feel awful about yourself, continues to do so and is generally useless to boot.

Aso it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to break up - you don't need his permission. He probably doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy or lose his cushy life where you do everything, but that's not good enough.

If someone says to you "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done, the state of you" they need booting out at high speed and you need to see it's not you, it's them. There's nothing wrong with you. It's him that's made you lose your confidence and feel so shit. Take your life and happiness back!

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:31

Just to answer a few people.. no I wont be having kids so will remain child free.
I have instigated break ups before but I think you are right..I'm obviously looking for him to do it rather than me...

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/11/2020 10:32

He sounds awful and he has done a good job of destroying your self confidence
You are Young and have no children, you can leave him.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 06/11/2020 10:32

OK, I take back what I said about the housework. But everything else still stands. It sounds like everything has become about his needs, his perception etc. To an extent this is normal when someone is ill, but the partner matters as well. Right now it sounds like the 2 of you spend your time trying to interpret/understand him. What about you? Wheres his support for you?

Ihaveyourback · 06/11/2020 10:35

He wants to fix things later, so you will stay and continue to put up with him, why should you? Why would anyone?

Your self esteem must be at rock bottom if you are willing to put up with it, after everything he has said - and the misery of a relationship you have already.

This is your life, why would you even consider wasting any more time on someone like this? For your own sake, move on and move on quickly. There is no coming back from this.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:35

I guess I'm just really struggling with him telling me for so long that's its nothing to do with me.I've done nothing and can do nothing to help it.......to then being told ''Actually..its you as well''

OP posts: