"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

Actually when we spoke about it last week he said part of it was because he was embarrassed he juat does the same thing in bed and lost his confidence

Tell him to just do you, and reassure him that you'll give him precise instructions as you go, and you'll see how much codswallop this is.

It sounds like you're waiting for him to decide he wants to end the relationship rather than making the decision for yourself. Why is that? You are allowed to make that decision all on your own.

It doesn’t matter how depressed (he obviously is) he is there is no need to be so nasty. It definitely the end for the relationship and if I were you I would or waste anymore time with him.
Before you know it you’ll be another 5 years down the line and you’ll still be unhappy and unfulfilled

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He has since text me and said..."I'm truly sorry, I shouldn't have said that this way. We'll talk better when I'm back from work"

If I was your friend OP I'd be asking you what you want, he doesn't get to treat you like this repeatedly. It seems he says cruel/mean things then apologises but effectively gets away with chipping away your self-esteem.

It's time for you to decide you are worth more than being someone's verbal punching bag. It feels really good when you take control of these situations. I'm sure there is plenty of men who would love to see you in those PJs.

DH (no libido) blames his DW for his sexual problems.
1 : 0
DH is offered by his DW to split up amicably.
0 : 1

DH feels like a looser. He tells his DW he doesn't want to split up yet, then later he will tell her the relationship doesn't work for him as she makes him feel like an impotent because his dick doesn't work so he'd offer her to split up.
His win again.

Would you expect him to stay with you if you had told him he wasn’t attractive anymore, than you only find it him attractive when he puts unnecessary effort into looking good for when you come home from work, if you were to ignore him when he does make that effort in a desperate attempt to save what’s left of a broken relationship.

Would you expect him to stay if he were you and you were him?

Leave. He’s broken the most important thing a person can have, confidence in yourself. You need to leave and work on building your confidence again. I’m sorry

It’s definitely not you my lovely, it’s all about him. Don’t let his issues knock your confidence, you sound ace and I bet loads of blokes would find you sexy - my best advice is to leave pronto and find someone who deserves you.

If it helps, I was in a similar place 5 years ago. Such a scary decision to leave and leap into the unknown. But I did and it was the best decision of my life. Met the love of my life 2 years later and we’re getting married soon. I never would have found this happiness if I hadn’t made the break from my ex who sounds v similar to yours. Don’t put up with it, be brave and dump him and go and find a better life, you can do it.

For me the killer wasn’t the lack of sex. It was the lack of affection and kindness on a day to day basis. Trouble is, when you’re in that place you can’t really recognise how shite it is because you don’t know any different. Now I’m with a fantastic guy, I look back and my only regret is not to have left him sooner.

Good luck OP. I repeat it’s not you. Don’t let the bugger drag you down, tell him to sling his hook

You don't need his permission or for him to agree with you, to break up you know.

If the relationship isn't working for you, that's enough.

My first thought was that he's gay. If he's saying he isn't that's one thing but only he knows the truth. This is not going to suddenly get better, do yourself a massive favour and get out now. He's never going to make you happy,

I understand. Hes not impotent. He just lost his sex drive it still works..he just doesn't want to do it as he lost his confidence and doesn't think about it much. But then it's me too. I get that it's more than likely past the point of repair.

And I think a lot of you are right when you say I seem to be holding off on breaking up so he will. I dont think I'm sure why I'm doing that..but you've made me realise I am.

Absolutely leave. Whether he is truly depressed and you're bearing the brunt or he's just an absolute cunt, you deserve far better. It's not your job to fix him. Get out now while you're young enough to meet someone without tons of baggage and before you have the tie of kids etc.
Xxx

FortunesFavour thanks so.much. it makes me feel good to know youve found the right one. X

Yeah he gay. And you should dump him. You have no children together so its so much easier to cut loose. Why do you insist on humiliating yourself further with that closet turd?

Thanks to everyone for being so kind to me. I know these threads are very frustrating. It's horrible being on the other side and not being able to hear your own advice. I just feel really low so its harder to work through properly.

What’s stopping you ending it OP. What are you scared of that is worse than this ongoing misery dragging you down and sapping your confidence?
Go on, tell us, then we can help you get over those fears and escape thy is rotten situation.
I’m not normally in the Ltb club, but this is so similar to what happened to me and leaving him transformed my life for the better. I hope for the same for you x

Do people really think hes gay ?I mean what are the signs..hes never shown anything. Half of my friends are gay. I feel like it would be known..

A straight guy would not turn down sex like that. And his comments are not something a straight guy would say. Tbh you havent been a good judge of charactet and behavious so far so i wouldnt rush to deny this possibility. Hopefully other posters who think gay too will chime in.

Maybe he isn't gay but the relationship definitely isn't working. Don't waste your precious younger years on this selfish man.

Lot's of people have lost their sex drives over lockdown, I think that's totally normal. But what isn't normal is getting overly defensive, blaming your partner or being cruel to them.

I doubt he's gay. The bigger issue is he seems to take no responsibility for your relationship, you're the one trying to do all the fixing whilst he remains defensive and nasty. Do you think he's getting worked up about this and agonising about how to fix it? I'd walk away.

FortunesFavour I'm getting really upset thinking about this. I think I haven't broken up with him for a few reasons.
I love him and can see he's depressed which makes me feel like he needs me to stand by him and I'd love to do that. It's just getting to hurtful.

Hes not from this country. We lived in his for 3 years now we've been in mine for 2. He cant fly home now and wouldn't have the money to rent his own place here.

And aside from whats going on he's lovely to me. He works so hard,he does so much at home. We're great friends but that's it ..its like were just friends now. All is ok until intimacy is brought up. 9 times out of 10 hes just ashamed and upset. Apologises and speaks to his counseller etc. Its just lately hes been saying such mean things so I'm worrying if its just the depression and I should help him through. Its very confusing.

This relationship isn’t working for either of you. He’s not attracted to you anymore for whatever reason, when someone hits that it’s difficult to overcome. It may be that he’s feeling pressured with all the talking and planning of intimacy which is why he’s frustrated and snappy. However you’re frustrated too. It’s not working for either of you. Counselling together may resolve the issue but be prepared for the resolution to be go your separate ways.

Lot's of straight guys loose their sex drives for all kinds of reasons that aren't to do with being gay

I don't think it's healthy to normalise men wanting it all the time and women not, peoples libidos are individual and effected for all kinds of reasons.

That being said, loosing affection all together, not trying to work on it, and being cruel and nasty are perfectly good reasons for leaving someone.

I keep going back and forward because this mean talk about my appearance is so new. I wonder did I put that in his head by asking was it me. And now he just said that to shit me up. Iyswim
Hes never said anything like that to me previously in 5 years.

Oh OP, you cannot imagine the difference between my ex and my lovely DP now. I didn’t even realise a relationship could be so easy with such fun, laughter and love because all I knew was the loneliness of being in that awful relationship. Since I’ve left the blinkers have come off. I wasted 6 years on that miserable sod, I wish I’d left him years before but my confidence was shot after years of similar put downs and lack of affection. I didn’t think anyone else would love me and I was unsexy and unlovable - because that’s what he had convinced me of. How wrong I was!!

Also, you’re just a spring chicken compared to me. I left the idiot when I was 40, met lovely fiancé 2 years after, and am getting married at the grand old age of 46. You’re in your 30s right? That’s no age. There is so much love, adventure and opportunity ahead of you, but you will never be able to seize it until you get rid of the dead weight dragging you down.

So, get your compulsory mumsnet ducks in a row, put your brave boots on and dump him, then go and find your happiness. It’s really scary but it was the best decision of my life x

I can't see how your confidence is ever going to improve unless you are willing to be brave and end your relationship, you are going to end up in a vicious toxic cycle of dependency and misery.

It actually doesn't matter if he is gay/into porn/clinically impotent he has stopped being a loving and decent partner, and on those grounds alone it is time to walk away.

What more does he have to say/do to make you go? It is worrying op that you are even entertaining the idea of keeping this dead horse alive in some way, constantly searching for signs of life, when all life extinguished such a long time ago.