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AIBU?

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Original poster

"You do nothing to attract me"

410 replies

FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 09:43

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 06/11/2020 10:35

I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true

And now he's apologised again! Apologies mean sod all if the person repeats the behaviour. Personally I couldn't be with someone who became spiteful instead of dealing with relationship issues like a grown up. Comments like that leave an impression that can last a long time.

VettiyaIruken · 06/11/2020 10:36

I shouldn't have said it that way means he meant what he said, he just feels he should have been nicer about it.

RealBecca · 06/11/2020 10:36

I'd run.

At best you'll be damaging your self esteem staying trying to he good enough.

At worst he's checked out but won't end it because he likes the other benefits living with you brings which is why he doesn't want to initiate a break up. In short, it suits him to be in a relationship where he doesn't need to give anything.

You are supporting him by staying. You've done enough.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/11/2020 10:37

@FeelingUglyandStupid

Thank you so much. I've asked him this. I've said if the spark is gone or you're not feeling it ..its fine..it happens and we can break up amicably. But he says no way. Maintains he wants to stay in the relationship. Now this.
DO NOT STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE HE WANTS TO.

You are still young - you have a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a man who loves you.

At the moment you are sick with misery and disappointment, and your confidence is rock bottom - but if you stay with this man, you will never feel any better about yourself, and one day he will most likely meet someone who does attract him, and will leave you high and dry and a lot older and more miserable.

Leave while you still have the energy to do so.

30mph · 06/11/2020 10:37

It isn't you. It's him. You don't have to live this way. You do have a choice.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/11/2020 10:37

@FeelingUglyandStupid

I guess I'm just really struggling with him telling me for so long that's its nothing to do with me.I've done nothing and can do nothing to help it.......to then being told ''Actually..its you as well''
It isn't you at all, get that out of your head. The best way to get it out of your head is to get him out of your life, misery loves company, get out now before he damages your self esteem so much you won't have the drive or heart to leave anymore
dottiedodah · 06/11/2020 10:37

I dont normally say LTB ,but I think he has fallen out of love with you TBH. You are still young and attractive (whatever he says!) and have all the time in the world left to find someone new ,or just chill with friends for a while .He is destroying your self esteem here .If you were pregnant and being sick you wouldnt be looking terribly pretty then! would he up and go ? Its not worth your time with this guy really.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:38

Right now it sounds like the 2 of you spend your time trying to interpret/understand him. What about you? Wheres his support for you?
this is exactly it. You are correct. Obviously I love him a lot and feel like I would be abandoning him when he was having a horrible time. But now that I'm being told it's me....theres not much else I can do. There is nothing more I can do in fact.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 06/11/2020 10:38

And its not you. It's him. He won't do anything to address his own problems, even leaving you because he says he doesn't fancy you, he expects you to fix it, either by trying harder or dumping him.

Ihaveyourback · 06/11/2020 10:38

It is all about him isn't it,

His depression, his impotence, his version of what is attractive, everything all on his terms.

What about you? What about your MH living with someone like him, what are your sexual and emotional needs, what do you find attractive?

Not once have you stated what your needs are, or the importance of them. I would recommend some counselling. There is very little self love going on, and you are likely to have a similar relationship again unless you can learn to care for yourself as much as you do for others.

RattleOfBars · 06/11/2020 10:38

I’m sorry he said such a hurtful thing to you.

But it sounds like he’s been struggling with depression and low libido for a while now and doesn’t want to keep talking about it.

It sounds like you’ve been repeatedly questioning him a lot about why the spark has gone, is it you, does he not fancy you, are you not pretty or attractive enough etc and maybe he just snapped and said those nasty things to stop you asking?

I can understand why you kept asking him, but maybe he was fed up of reassuring you and thought you were fishing for compliments. Could he have felt under pressure to keep talking about his impotence when really he just wanted to focus on getting over the depression? You said he’d been reassuring you for 5 years it wasn’t you who caused his loss of libido so why did you keep asking him?

In your shoes I’d sit down with him when he’s in a better mood, ask if what he said was really true and where he wants to go from here. If he truly thought you unattractive why would he have wanted to stay together so long? I’d also ask if he felt you were pressuring him with your questions. And if you decide to stay with him, maybe suggest he sees his GP again for different meds or therapy, or have couples counselling together.

ShadyBansheeThing · 06/11/2020 10:39

Of course it hurts to be told that, and the other stuff he's come out with. But you don't need to take it to heart, because he's obviously trying to lame you and make you feel shit as a projection because he's in a mess himself. It doesn't mean you actually are unattractive or have any reason to lack confidence.

Undermining a partner's confidence and making them feel unattractive is classic abusive behaviour - it's about making you feel like you can't do any better, and them feeling superior and in control. Don't fall for it. Just get away from the source of it and find your happy self again.

Silentplikebath · 06/11/2020 10:39

You are giving this man way too much control to mess with your head. You should tell him that YOU have decided that are unhappy and want to end the relationship. It no longer matters what he thinks or wants because the relationship is over and the only thing to discuss is when he or you will move out. Ignore any tears, threats, nastiness and other manipulation because you don’t want to be with him any more.

Don’t stay with this man out of pity, confusion or memories of how he used to be. Ignore any promises to change or get counselling. Accept the reality that he’s a self absorbed, nasty prick who doesn’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. You can do a lot better than him!

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 06/11/2020 10:39

Maybe it's your message but it sounded like you were pestering him. It probably was frustrating for him as well and also humiliating. I'd suggest not to bother him with sex topic again. Just leave him. If his libido doesn't improve over a few months then you can bring the topic of splitting up again if that's what you want.

Iwantalonglie · 06/11/2020 10:40

Just leave. Aside from how unpleasant he is, he's not making you happy and there's no children to add complications. Why would you stay?

Also, do you want children at some point? If so, let me warn you that they rarely make relationships better... They are a real test of a strong relationship and hugely expose the cracks in unhappy and weak relationships.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:42

Ihaveyourback yes he did say last night I dont take care of myself anymore. When I asked how he said the hair and make up comment. Hes said I need to do counselling too..which I do. He goes to counselling.

OP posts:
Fuckityfucksake · 06/11/2020 10:43

I'm another for leave him!
It's not the fact that he is having libido issues it's how he's handled it.
He is a dick and a cruel one at that.
He has told what he really thinks.
It's not your fault, you've tried to help and work it out but for your own sake get away from him or how you feel now will end up feeling 100x worse eventually when you literally end up with zero confidence or self esteem because of his treatment towards you.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:43

I’m sorry he said such a hurtful thing to you.

But it sounds like he’s been struggling with depression and low libido for a while now and doesn’t want to keep talking about it

It sounds like you’ve been repeatedly questioning him a lot about why the spark has gone, is it you, does he not fancy you, are you not pretty or attractive enough etc and maybe he just snapped and said those nasty things to stop you asking?

Yes this is what confused me. I was thinking this very thing!

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 10:43

Hes said I need to do counselling too..

Shudder.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 06/11/2020 10:44

Is it over?

I don't see how it can't be, to be honest. You're unhappy, he's unhappy, there's no physical affection. You're early 30's. If you would like DC at some point then you don't have time waste in a miserable relationship. Call it a day and move on.

What does he keep me if he doesn't want me?
More to the point, why do you keep plugging at a miserable relationship? Do you want this? Is this what you want for your life? Cos if not, you have the power to end it yourself.

MatildaTheCat · 06/11/2020 10:45

A loving partner does not say awful things in the heat of the moment and then say later they didn’t mean it. So he needs to own his horridness.

You actually sound very depressed too. The inertia around the house.. Get yourself out of the house for exercise and while you are there start planning how to break away. Can you go to family?

Once you are out of this head fuck of a situation I reckon you.l see things much more clearly and find you feel a lot better.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2020 10:45

I really hate this expression that I keep reading on MN but in this case I think it's true.

"He's got the ick" by the sound of it and even though he loves you, there's never really any coming back from that.

It happens to lots of people OP and it absolutely doesn't reflect on you or your appearance in any way Thanks

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 10:46

Maybe it's your message but it sounded like you were pestering him.

I was worried about this too. But he does research on it sometimes and speaks to his counseller. We come up with a plan together to see what will help him..then he doesn't do anything . But says he wants to.
Sorry I havnt replied to everyone I'm getting through them all now. X

OP posts:
gypsywater · 06/11/2020 10:47

He sounds pathetic and vile tbh.

Supersimkin2 · 06/11/2020 10:48

Impotent and/or gay and/or porn.

OP, this isn't about you.

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