"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

Crikey, we all look ugly, sometimes!

You do not have to put up with him lashing out to hurt you.

Even if he is depressed, it's not your job to fix him.

If you decide you don't want to stay in this soul sucking relationship, you do not need his permission to end it.

I could've written what you've just put (and worse), I stayed! I have no self respect left, I hate myself, I'm lonely and I'm dreadfully bitter and angry.

The first "attack" was less than a year after we married, I was told I was too "fat to have sex with", I can honestly say if he'd have punched me full in the face it would've hurt less.

I've listened to it all, I never "do it right", i can never please him.

He says the most awful things to hurt me, he admits that.

I'm older now, I think about it last thing before I sleep and first thing I wake up. How much I hate myself and why have I allowed this hell.

Don't be me, please make today the day you leave.

It won't get better, it will get worse.

You have no shared responsibility and he’s making you miserable, as hard and painful as it will be I would end it with him.

Hey OP. Really sorry that the relationship has gone this way. You have been amazing putting up with his low libido and depression but you must not put up with him speaking to you like that. He’s got you worried about looking unattractive when you cry! That is so unhealthy and it is a bit scary how deliberately cruel he was.

This isn’t salvageable, the relationship is broken. He is going to get worse and worse until you have no self esteem. Please leave him before you end up with even more emotional scars.

Somewhere out there is a lovely guy, with none of these issues, who will make you happy, but you can’t meet him while you are in this toxic relationship. You are wasting time. (I’ve no idea if you are interested in start a family but if you are, you have very little time left.)

Please escape.

Xx

Just read it all OP.

He actually sounds like an arsehole of the highest order. Stop trying to fix him.

He says nasty, vicious things - yet claims to love you. That is not love. That is emotionally abuse.
Whether it stems from grief, depression, porn addition, closet sexuality, previous trauma, you cannot make this better. You can only look after yourself.

I don't believe for one second that he accidentally sent that website link by the way (libido/not attracted to partner). You don't search for that type of website, or copy and paste inadvertently. It is a calculated move to upset you further.

Stop being so passive, all his 'we'll talk later...' must be making you feel anxious and edgy. Take control back. A suitable response would be 'No, you've said plenty. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore, and it would be better for both of us if you move out by (give him a date).'.

So he may not move out immediately, but it is definitely time for him to move on and for you to take stock and build yourself up a bit.

Run. Run fast and don’t look back.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

If you talk with him tonight, be strong. Fake it till you make it if necessary. It's clear you love him and feel responsible for him, but that means you're giving him all the control. You need to take some back and stop believing that everything that's wrong is in some way down to you. It isn't, honestly.

Wipe the comment about not being attractive from your mind. He says he didn't mean it, but that's not entirely true. He didn't mean that you're unattractive, but he DID mean to hurt you and that was the first thing he thought of. And it's had the desired result. You are now questioning yourself, your looks, the way you dress, and that's extending into whether you're not supporting him enough, trying to find tiny crumbs of comfort when he offers what seems like an olive branch. He's trying to keep you on your lead. He's said he 'shouldn't have said what he did' and he 'shouldn't have sent you that article'???? I'm not buying it.

Tell him he can read all the articles he likes, but he either shapes up or ships out. You're not abandoning him after just two days of him being like this, you've been very patient for a long time and tried everything you can think of. He sent you the articles to convince you that he's doing something to change, and to buy himself more time. You'll think 'he's trying to make things better' so you'll put up with even more shit for even longer. He doesn't actually have to do anything, just tell you he is.

This is no way for you to live, and it's not selfish of you to think about getting out. As a halfway house, how about you have a break from each other? Tell him you'll talk again, but only if/when you have evidence that he's actually changed and is ready to meet your emotional and sexual needs. And if he cries, he may be genuinely upset - but he's also learned that it gets you to get off his back. Either way it's manipulating you. You've cried buckets over the last few days and he hasn't shown any concern for you, it's still all about him.

Be Strong! On a different forum, some time ago, I had issues with DP and posted about them. I got lots of supportive replies, so that when I talked to him I could feel the presence of all those other women in the room, sitting on my shoulder and giving me strength. Maybe you can do the same - we're with you.

This is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever, its him . Hes checked out by the sounds of ut could be porn could of had his head turned and is trying the weigh up his options and keep his eggs all in one basket in case he realises before you chuck him out that hes making a mistake and then can try to worm his way back him .
Make the decision for him , get rid .
You will always be doubting if he really means what he says to you.

You deserve better op

Please don't let him damage you more. Trying not to look ugly when you're crying is awful, you poor thing, I'm so sorry.

What he's doing is lashing out at you, then backtracking meaning he can lash out at you again. That has to stop immediately.

Please move him into the spare room.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He said he only said those things to hurt me and didn't mean it. Doesn't want to break up.. but at the same time he sent me a link this morning to an article about ''what to do when you're not sexually attracted to your partner anymore ". He sent other ones too about grief and bereavement and loss of libido in men. This has made me feel pig ugly again and more confused. Can someone please explain how if it's his libido...then how can I suddenly be more attractive to him ?? Surely of its your libido...nobody will get you going. I'm so confused

His friend died years ago.

To still be grieving and suffering from the loss of a friend after all this time is not normal. And why would a friend dying affect his libido? Over and over, he is making you believe that his impotence is your fault.

Stop thinking about trying to make yourself more attractive to him, and start wondering why he still has such a damaging emotional attachment to this dead friend.

Yes I'm confused about that too.
And hes not impotent.It all works fine. He just has no desire to use it.
Thank you for your response. I keep reading back over the whole thread.

I watched something on TV recently, where a woman was murdered. She was married and having an affair with a married man. Semen was found in her, the man who was a suspect said the affair wasn't sexual, as he was impotent.

His wife corroborated this and said they hadn't had sex for 5 years due to his impotency.

The police suspected something was off and kept surveillance on him. Well guess what? He was visiting prostitutes...he wasn't impotent at all and the affair was sexual....it wasn't his only affair either.

OP...I'm not saying this is the case with your OH...but going to work and coming home every day is not proof that he cannot be cheating. So many people say this.

He could tell you he's off to work (take annual leave) and go elsewhere

The affair could be with a colleague

Never underestimate what someone who wants to cheat will do. They will find a way if they want to. Where there's a will....there's a way.

He works with only one other man. The two of them are needed for the same jobs. So I am positive hes not cheating. His boss texts every night with location and duration of the following days work. I receive pictures /txts/voicemails throughout the day as we are always in touch. We share the same spotify and will interrupt each others songs when hes in the car using it. There's no question in my mind hes cheating with anyone.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me though

He's also paid by the day and we share accounts and finances,I would know if he'd taken any unpaid days off or taken holidays as holiday money comes as a separate transaction to his wages iyswim. Cheating is not a suspicion or worry here.

Hes now told me that was the wrong article to send me and its nothing about my attractiveness,its just his loss of libido. I'm really confused

Wake up Op he 100% intended to send that article to you to hurt you and keep you confused. As long as you are confused and questioning yourself and how you can heal whatever the fuck is wrong with him, you are not thinking about leaving him.

For whatever reason he is happy to have you in his home and to hurt and reject you but not end the relationship. Maybe he just gets off on feeling bigger than you, maybe he enjoys seeing you confused and doubting yourself, maybe he enjoys the power he has over your feelings and destroying your self esteem. You will never get an answer to any of those questions by the way.

You need to disengage from him and this little game of his, become emotionally distant and start cutting those loving bonds to him. Then you can move on, if you keep questioning, doubting and trying to fix you will be stuck and while you say you don't want to marry and have kids do you really want to waste your life on this nonsense? You could spend all this energy that you waste on him on building a great life for yourself, a life in which you are fulfilled and happy not crying your heart out.

@Dontbeme

Hes now told me that was the wrong article to send me and its nothing about my attractiveness,its just his loss of libido. I'm really confused

Wake up Op he 100% intended to send that article to you to hurt you and keep you confused. As long as you are confused and questioning yourself and how you can heal whatever the fuck is wrong with him, you are not thinking about leaving him.

For whatever reason he is happy to have you in his home and to hurt and reject you but not end the relationship. Maybe he just gets off on feeling bigger than you, maybe he enjoys seeing you confused and doubting yourself, maybe he enjoys the power he has over your feelings and destroying your self esteem. You will never get an answer to any of those questions by the way.

You need to disengage from him and this little game of his, become emotionally distant and start cutting those loving bonds to him. Then you can move on, if you keep questioning, doubting and trying to fix you will be stuck and while you say you don't want to marry and have kids do you really want to waste your life on this nonsense? You could spend all this energy that you waste on him on building a great life for yourself, a life in which you are fulfilled and happy not crying your heart out.

Agree with this.

He is seriously fucking with your head. And whether he is cheating or not is moot. He either doesn't want you or can't get it up-both dealbreakers in your situation.

None of this matters - no reasons, or justifications, or excuses. All that matters is that your relationship is not making you happy and doesn’t look like it’s going to start making you happy any time soon. Leave before he destroys what’s left of your self esteem.

I’m so sorry OP but he has checked out of the relationship but doesn’t have the balls to move out. He will not check back in however much you try. My first thought was that there is someone else. My ex H came home from work the same time everyday. It came to light he met the OW at work and took afternoons off to nip over to her flat. He also took on bike rides at the weekend again to meet her in her car. What I’m saying here is that it is possible to have an affair at anytime.
Please ask him to move out.

@SandyY2K It's really not helpful to speculate on whether or not he's cheating when that isn't what the OP is asking about and she has actually said that she is sure he isn't. What does that add to this discussion other than to potentially cause further distress. Just stick to the topic FFS. Same as the people speculating about whether he is gay, impotent etc.

Really, all that matters is how OP feels and what she's going to do about that, if anything.

OP he's messing with your head and your heart. Pick your self respect up off the floor and tell him to leave. He is grinding you down and your self worth is dimming as time goes on. He is cruel and cutting with his remarks. People who truly love you don't do that. You can make a much better life for yourself if you tell him it's over and make him leave. You deserve so much more and are worth so much more. Let tomorrow be the start of your new life. Best wishes to you xx

@wildraisins

You obviously don't realise it's a public forum and that you're not a moderator.

The OP said he wasn't impotent....I showed a scenario where another man said the same.

I specifically said
OP...I'm not saying this is the case with your OH

So along with other posters, who are trying to ascertain what the issue might be.....I'll say what I want.

Whatever is going on with him, it's really not good for you and it's getting worse. If you keep on trying to fix things I suspect you'll end up with very little self esteem. He might not mean what he said but he meant to wound you. This guy is not there for you.

This relationship could destroy you. Tragic events in his life and his mental ill health do not give you any obligation to stick around to be hurt.

'This isn't working for me' is the only excuse you need to end it.

Just to echo others' experience

@SandyY2K It adds literally nothing to the discussion. Pointless speculation and irrelevant to what she’s asking. Potentially just causing further distress to the op. What’s the point?