I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

YABVVU. My engagement ring has a tiny diamond ( in fact it's not even certified it's that small). But it's the ring my DP could afford and thought I'd like, so I love it. My wedding ring is sat in a box waiting for a wedding day that feels like may never come due to Covid. Again, it was a low budget but I can't wait to wear it. But then I'm not a particularly materialistic person.

You need to focus on what's actually important in this life. How shiny your diamond is doesn't reflect how strong your marriage is or how much your husband cares about you.

My engagement ring was absolutely fabulous. Beautiful emerald surrounded by diamonds. Massive. We were divorced 2 years later...it honestly is nothing but a piece of jewellery. You're falling for American advertisements.

I understand wanting nice things. We all do. We all get a bit jealous of random things, it's normal...but it shouldn't bother you so much. Having a loving DH is the only thing that matters.

It's just a symbol surely so it doesn't matter how big the diamond is. My DGM was married in the war and she didn't have an engagement ring (as no one did) but she did have the thinnest gold band as her wedding ring. Despite my DGF buying her a flasher one many years later the original one was the one she worn day in and day out because it was from my DGF and it had meaning

@justanotherneighinparadise

I don’t think it was so prevalent no.

There was always a subset of people like Hyacinth Bucket who were desperate to climb the class ladder, but now it really does seem to worthless unless someone is jealous of it or heaping praise on you for acquiring it.

The 80s was a very materialistic time in particular. And I think women are less materialistic about rings that they were. I think you have rose tinted glasses on.

@learieonthewildmoor

Your husband did care: he wanted to surprise you. He looked at rings online and ordered it. All that stuff about rings needing to be diamond and cost a certain amount was started in the '30's by De Beers' diamond company. Ask your SIL why she's bagging her brother to you. Tell her it's a shame she's bought an advertising campaign but you're not that materialistic. www.uberkate.com.au/ www.milliesavage.com/collections/rings And maybe buy something like one of these to have a laugh right back at your nasty SIL.

I know one if the D'Beers.

He flys around in a private jet. Roughly every 3 weeks. For a 2 week holiday

He's very well off since their very clever promotion.

There’s a difference between wanting nice things abs being materialistic- educate yourself will you. Nothing wrong with a nice sofa, tv, dress etc, but to obsess abs demand upgrades is ugly.

Don't be one of those people who know the cost of everything and value of nowt OP.

I think we need to see it. Post a picture of it op!

YANBU, sorry for all the shitty responses you've been getting.

My H refused to let have get a cluster ring, and said it had to be a solitaire. It's a beautiful ring but not what I wanted.

Was the ring all he could afford? That is the key question for me.

The 80s was a very materialistic time in particular. And I think women are less materialistic about rings that they were. I think you have rose tinted glasses on.

LOADSA MONEY!!!’ 💰💰💰💰💰🤣

I thought we took the piss out of those people? We didn’t want to emulate them did we?🤔

The people I know who had the flashiest rings and weddings all ended up divorced quickly because it was all for show. The ones who have been together a long time are the ones who didn’t really make a big song and dance over it. My friend, for example, didn’t even get engaged. They just decided to get married and had the most low key day ever. Been married for 15 years now, their marriage has outlived all of our peers who had flashy rings and weddings...

When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit.

The OP loved it until she discovered it wasn't as valuable as she originally thought. I think that is what makes it particularly distasteful.

The people I know who had the flashiest rings and weddings all ended up divorced quickly because it was all for show. The ones who have been together a long time are the ones who didn’t really make a big song and dance over it. My friend, for example, didn’t even get engaged. They just decided to get married and had the most low key day ever. Been married for 15 years now, their marriage has outlived all of our peers who had flashy rings and weddings...

Of course, everyone who has a big ring or wedding is obviously going to get divorced and everyone who had a wedding for 75p will last because it’s soooo much more genuine. What a load of twaddle.

@justanotherneighinparadise

The 80s was a very materialistic time in particular. And I think women are less materialistic about rings that they were. I think you have rose tinted glasses on.

LOADSA MONEY!!!’ 💰💰💰💰💰🤣

I thought we took the piss out of those people? We didn’t want to emulate them did we?🤔

Some people definitely wanted to emulate them, that’s how it happened. And people definitely take the piss out of people who do it on insta, there are accounts dedicated to them. It’s exactly the same as it has been for a long time. It’s not generational. Historically, people married up and would turn down people for what they own. There will always be flashy people around, it’s not created by insta.

I kind of know how you feel! We were in our early 20s when we married, and my engagement ring (which I picked!) had a flawed diamond, which I came to hate. Ditto my 'bark' finish wedding ring. After 12 years my DH bought me the most gorgeous channel cut eternity ring with 6 big diamonds. On our 40th anniversary, he bought me a new wedding ring.

Just be patient!

The sad truth is that despite many on here claiming that they were happy with a cheap ring and that it is the significance of it that is more important it still seems that in reality many women place a lot of prestige and status on the how big/expensive an engagement ring is. Whenever I see someone announce an engagement there is always a flock of women gathering around to see the ring with various nods of approval if it is a massive rock.

Perhaps he spent his money more wisely on supporting you in other ways.

Some people definitely wanted to emulate them, that’s how it happened. And people definitely take the piss out of people who do it on insta, there are accounts dedicated to them. It’s exactly the same as it has been for a long time. It’s not generational. Historically, people married up and would turn down people for what they own. There will always be flashy people around, it’s not created by insta.

I just can’t agree. I am very old and have seen society change. People used to be happy with their lot . Expectations were low. I can remember receiving clementines in my sack from Santa. Kids nowadays expect Nintendo switches, designer clothes, the new X box. Conversations with my friends blow my mind. They’re spending hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds on their children’s Christmas and birthday presents. I’m told that once my children are teenagers then I’m to expect to spend upwards of £500 on them for each of these occasions. To fuck with that!!! I don’t think as an adult I’ve ever received a gift myself worth anything like that, let alone twice a year.

I think greedy kids turn into greedy adults. It’s pointless unless its valuable. Emotion, thought, care and time are worthless. I am praying I’m raising my kids to be the antithesis of this.

My engagement ring was £20 (plain silver), my wedding ring £100 (plain gold band). Love both. Your wedding ring is worth as much or as little as your marriage.....mine are precious beyond belief.
(We could have afforded more easily, but why? They are symbols of being married, not show off status symbols)

My engagement ring cost 3 pounds from a market stall, I wouldn't change it for the world. It's what it symbolises that is important. I can't even wear it now, but I will keep it forever.

You've got serious issues

I can understand not liking your set, or being a bit disappointed that they're 'off the shelf', but I think the disappointment about them being 'worthless' as heirlooms is a bit off.

They're valuable as heirlooms because of the connection to you. If you only value heirlooms by their open market rate, pass down some Amazon shares instead.

I understand what you’re saying op- I think.

I don’t think it’s about the price of it? More the lack of thought and the ‘oh that’ll do the job’ attitude to purchasing it perhaps?

Don’t forget op, going into a jewellery shop and picking one off the shelf doesn’t really change the process?

How did he propose?

I have a nice ring but my husband made no effort to propose and didn’t even ask me the question. I still feel a bit rejected for it.

When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit.

Ever thought that maybe he bought it because he too thought it was beautiful? Maybe he did loads of research and looked at more expensive ones (some of them in real shops), but came back to that one because he thought it was...beautiful?

You say he never says no and spoils you, why are you overlooking that and letting this one thing get to you? It's not diamond top trumps (can I even use that word right now???).

Next time SIL starts, look as soppy as a soppy thing in a soppy shop and say, with love oozing out of every pore, 'I love mine so much, because [DH] chose it. It's so special.' Maybe her marriage isn't that great and she's trying to convince herself that everything's OK because it must be - mustn't it? After all, he bought me these rings...

Have you tried giving it a really good clean? Some TLC will make it look better. Alternatively, have you talked about 'upgrading' with a man made diamond which looks exactly the same as a 'real' one but costs a fraction of the price.

I think you've had a very hard time over this (probably because it's been posted elsehwere online) but ultimately if it's important to you, it's important to you. I don't share your feelings on the cost aspect so much, but I do understand that feeling he put no effort in while some men plan and design rings would be hurtful.