I hate my engagement and wedding ring

[tiredtimes100]

Just that really. Married for 5 years and still can't get over it. When he proposed it was beautiful because it was a ring that he proposed with but when I found out it barely had any diamond in it and was bought online it just made me feel shit. Like he didn't even bother making an effort to physically go in and have a look or ask me to go and look together (he wanted to surprise me).
My DSIL goes on about how much effort her husband went through to get her engagement/wedding and promise ring. I don't know if she says it to annoy me (it does) because it's sending out a message that 'my DH gave a shit yours didn't'. But that's not the issue. It's the fact that I don't want to wear it or even look at it anymore.

I like to say I'm normally grateful but I can't seem to get past this. I feel like it's ruined things such as me passing it on as an heirloom because it worthless. I know memories and love count for it etc. I love my DH but can't shake it off. I don't know if it's DSIL going on about hers has made me feel this way.

I've asked for an upgrade but I don't think it will happen for a while as we aren't in a position to spend money on a piece of jewellery and I guess sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't wear the rings anymore and it doesn't bother him because..why would it :(

OP, what a horrible way to think.

wow OP. you sound grabby and ungrateful. FYI, shops will massively mark up the price of wedding/engagement rings anyway. they are not worth 10% of what you pay. it's just a bit of metal. surely the marriage and your relationship is more important??

You sound immature and grabby.

Oh dear - how immature and shallow. Your poor OH.

I think most of the time when people are repeatedly negative about someone else it has very little to do with the thing they are discussing and more to do with their own insecurities. She is in some way trying to make herself feel better by picking a comparison with you. It could be for any number of underlying reasons, eg she is unsure of some aspect of her relationship and is trying to convince herself that it's fine because she has an expensive ring, or she feels that you are superior to her in some way and having a better ring redresses the imbalance.

People have different love languages, I don't attach much importance to how expensive gifts are only to whether I like them or not. Physical things aren't as important to me as the smaller acts of love, like making my morning coffee for me when I'm running late or DH working from home when I'm ill so that he can do the school run for me.

I hate that I fell for the whole diamond is the best marketing ploy - that is all a diamond engagement rings stands for. The largest diamond miners pushed that a diamond engagement ring was the gold standard and meant that he loved you! All before the price of diamonds was falling.

FYI - mine is a diamond but second hand as I couldn't get over spending over £1k for something so tiny - I'd rather it went to a fantastic holiday or buying our house etc. My proposal was shit but I don't care, my DH is 90% ok and that is all that matters. When I have a shit day, he is there to make me feel better - that is what matters not the money he spent on me.

You can't help how you feel. How have you kept it in for 5 years?! I know 2 women who did not like the rings their partners proposed with and got them changed. Sometimes men don't get how important/expensive these things are. Went with DH to choose mine and he says he would never have picked it - so its not necessary that the person doesn't know you well or hasn't spent enough, it's that he isn't a mind reader. However I do think men should take a bit more care...she's going to wear it everyday for the rest of her life...got to love it. Honestly probably the best policy.

I wish this link between £££ and love would die. Especially as it relates to how much a man loves a woman. It actually devalues us all to think that anything material is an adequate symbolism of the quality of our relationships.

A friend of mine was bought a £10,000 diamond engagement ring. He then promptly took it off her, locked it in the safe for security and she spent the next 15 years never seeing it. All while he cheated and lied and dismissed her and ignored her. They are getting a divorce and that ring is causing problems again as they argue over whose ring it is, seeing as she's never worn it.

A partnership with someone you love and who you believe genuinly loves you, with whom you have shared goals and dreams and are working together to realise them, with whom you can see a happy and fulfilled life. That is the real gold. Anyone in your wider circle who cannot se that and who insist the value of a wedding ring is its worth - is a tosser.

Miserable, ungrateful cow

Why are the rings so important to you?

Many people don’t bother with an engagement ring and wedding bands are often simple, plain rings as you wear them all the time.

If you want fancier jewellery why not buy your own or ask DH for an eternity ring for Xmas?

My DH proposed with his late nannans ring. It isn't my style, I'm not a fan of the colour and if I got to choose I would have picked something totally different. However I wear it every day with pride, because of what it means to him! He has offered to upgrade my ring on every anniversary so far and I have told him no.
You're ungrateful, just be happy that you're spending your life with the person you love. If you hate the ring so much, buy yourself a new one. Don't expect him to.

I find it funny, the amount of posters who want to link this to your relationship, even though you have stated categorically that it is happy.
I assume that is because they want to blame your DH but as things stand they really cant.

Look I know we cant help our feelings but you need to realise that there will be ramifications in your relationship. If money is tight, then the last thing you or your DH should be thinking about is upgrading your ring.
You have mentioned it now, try and forget about it- Hopefully when things are better you can revisit it.
One thing I would say is just because the cost was not as much as you wanted and that he got it off the internet, doesn't mean that he didn't spend extensive time looking into it.
From his POV I would be very upset about the situation. and your attitude.

To all who argue that it's what the ring symbolises that is important does it follow that they would be equally thrilled with a plastic fluorescent ring from a cereal box?

Wow.

I could have a tin ring from a 20p machine and love it, and continue to wear it once it turned my finger green and then turned black itself.

You can't love your DH or marriage that much op. Leave him and let him find someone that does love him.

@cabernetchampignon

To all who argue that it's what the ring symbolises that is important does it follow that they would be equally thrilled with a plastic fluorescent ring from a cereal box?

I am equally as satisfied with no ring. I wear no jewellery, it means nothing to me. I’d much rather pay for something that benefits our kids.

My husband could have proposed with a haribo jelly ring and I would still have worn it happily ( which is a fib cos I would have eaten it )
As it is, he shouted his proposal over dexys midnight runners in a nightclub rather than with a ring.
He bought the ring the following day, I wasn't with him and I have no idea of its cost or value.
Don't place so much value on something of no consequence op.
It's a ring which symbolises your relationship and all that goes with it, unless all your relationship is worth is a few pounds.
Ignore your sil.

Is this the new Insta generation we’re hearing from where everything is about what you have and who you can show it off to?

DH proposed with a ring bought from the internet- he put hours and hours of research into it. Why would you assume physically walking into a shop shows anymore care?

@justanotherneighinparadise

Is this the new Insta generation we’re hearing from where everything is about what you have and who you can show it off to?

Yes, because this never happened before insta

Being materialistic is incredibly ugly

FFS @tallinmanchester do you never buy or want nice things for yourself? Clothes, make up, things for your home? Nothing bought for pleasure? You only buy what you absolutely need?

Eh?

I love love diamonds. Big flashy diamonds!

My engagement ring however. Is not a big flashy diamond. I remember when my husband proposed to me. He told me it was a ring I could change. But I never have. I love it! We didn't have money when he proposed. But he went and looked for ages. He chose one he loved and I did think I'd change it. But I can't bare too. It's not my style at all. But it's what it represents. He loved it. He chose it. He proposed with it. I married with it. It's what it signifies.

I don’t think it was so prevalent no.

There was always a subset of people like Hyacinth Bucket who were desperate to climb the class ladder, but now it really does seem to worthless unless someone is jealous of it or heaping praise on you for acquiring it.

Some of these posts are downright nasty.

How on earth can anyone extrapolate the state of the OP's marriage just from her desire to have a nice ring? They are not mutually exclusive. For all we know she might have a very happy marriage, nothing to do with the ring.

We are allowed to be disappointed about things that don't matter to other people.

I see the competitive anti-ring brigade are out - I care about my ring the least so I am the best and have the happiest marriage.

Or - I don't care about rings so nor should you.

Different things are importune to different people.

You might not care much for rings but some people on here are sure lacking in empathy which is a horrible trait.

My wedding ring, and my engagement ring are both Argos jobbies. We chose the engagement ring together and it was about £120 almost 30 years ago. My wedding ring, and his for that matter, were £25 each. They are a bit thin and I used to catch mine and cut my finger, but over time, they have rounded off. I love that it's a plain band.
I got an eternity ring a few years ago and that was a lot more money. It's an antique (second hand) one and I love it a lot.
But more than all this, I love the man who gave me these things much more than the rings. It's what they represent that's important not their monetary worth.