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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm not a very nice person

450 replies

Everly82 · 05/11/2020 22:27

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2020 05:31

@echt

What I've found amazing on this thread is the number of posters who appear so confident that uncharitable thoughts would never cross their minds, and are happy to condemn/hand out medical advice/pity those who in good faith have offered their experiences.
  1. In this case you can't prove a negative, so you can't say a thought wouldn't cross your mind.
  2. What matters is what you do/say, not what you think.

This has been an enlightening thread, and not in a good way.

Echt I don’t have these thoughts though. I have other intrusive thoughts. Fear when I occasionally go out that people will hurt me as I’m so fragile. Before I was ill, I wanted people to hurt me so that I could get angry with them to let out my pain. This was because I never felt heard in my family. Having been emotional abused by my mother, SIL and also violently abusive brother, I fantasied about getting stabby with big, long scissors. The longer I don’t see my brother and his wife, the less intrusive the thoughts have become.

If I can find a common denominator between other people’s thoughts in the thread and mine is that people want to be valued.

Marchitectmummy · 06/11/2020 05:41

No not an arsehole but in a bit of a downward spiral.

Focus on yourself and pulling yourself up to reach your goals rather than surrounding yourself with hope of destruction and failure. Others downfalls will not improve your life at all.

What are you striving for? What is making you miserable? Work on achieving something good put your energy there. Successful people focus on themselves not others.

Motherofthreequeens · 06/11/2020 06:34

@SwimmingOnEggshells

You'd be surprised who can see through the thinly veiled veneer.

I am pretty sure I know people who think like this. I base it on little snippets of information they've shared over the years, how they look around them when they're in your house, you can see judgements being made. Or they might make comments about other people in passing. It's not nice.

I'm probably paranoid, but I don't give any negative information or moan about my lot to these kinds of people.

Absolutely!
Goatinthegarden · 06/11/2020 06:40

I haven’t got the best of everything, or a perfect life. In fact there are quite a few heartbreaking things happening in my family at the moment. However, I’m generally quite content with my ‘lot’ and I suppose that helps me to feel genuinely pleased for others when things go well for them, and genuinely sad when things fall through for them.

I’m no Pollyanna, but I can’t really get on board with wishing ill thoughts on anyone. Treat as you wish to be treated - I’d hate to think anyone was revelling in my miseries.

It doesn’t make a difference to my life if someone achieves or acquires something I might desperately want.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/11/2020 06:40

I honestly want the best for the people I love. I'm not so fussed about the rest of the world but those friends/family who matter to me I'd always hope for the best for. My Dad always used to tell me that the people who aren't happy for you probably aren't happy for themselves, either.

Sounds like you're not alone, OP, but it sounds like happiness is harder to come by when you're not able to cheer on those you love best.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 06/11/2020 06:46

This sounds normal to me, the poster who spoke about her fertility issues also sounds entirely normal and understandable in the circumstances. However, like previous posters have said, I don't tell people anything that goes wrong for me/anything I'm upset about because I know people think like this, I feel it's best to keep a lot of relationships superficial.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 06:49

I’ve never seen anyone admit anything like this.

vanillandhoney · 06/11/2020 06:49

I find it quite ironic that the most judgemental sounding posts on this thread have come from those who claim never to have nasty thoughts about anyone, ever.

Having nasty thoughts is one thing, being judgemental and rude to people who have opened up in good faith is quite another and I know which quality I'd prefer in a friend.

Nuffaluff · 06/11/2020 06:55

I think it is completely normal. You’re not a bad person.
However, maybe you need to work on yourself a bit and try to achieve the things you would like to achieve or improve yourself in some way.
The way you feel about others may be a reflection on how unhappy you are iyswim.
I don’t think like this so much anymore, and I think that’s because I’m a lot happier and more fulfilled than I used to be.

Dongdingdong · 06/11/2020 06:58

Yes it's common for those with fertility struggles to be envious of people who have babies

@GlummyMcGlummerson That is NOT what the poster said. Feeling envious of someone’s unborn child is one thing, wishing for them to lose their baby is entirely different. God this thread is sickening.

fishonabicycle · 06/11/2020 06:58

I think we all have an inner arsehole. I try to keep mine in his box, but occasionally he gets out.

Dongdingdong · 06/11/2020 07:00

I think it's usual to be envious of some things, right?

Envious, yes. Wishing for a stranger to lose their unborn child, NO!

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 07:00

The OP has been condemned for some for her thoughts

Well, yeah. I mean, I don’t condemn her for her thoughts, but they’re mean, so I can see why people might.

Dongdingdong · 06/11/2020 07:05

But your ignorant comment is okay I guess as you probably haven’t experienced even a quarter of my problems.

Experiencing problems is not an excuse for wishing death on someone’s unborn child. Sorry, but it just isn’t.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 07:06

And some people have said having kinder or more malicious thoughts doesn’t make someone a nicer or less nice person, and I can only say, if that’s true, we have dispensed with the concepts of ‘nice’ and ‘not nice’, because surely those are the only criteria?

Ahorsecalledseptember · 06/11/2020 07:08

Intrusive thoughts are different, they tend to be fleeting and often cause a lot of distress because they are involuntary.

And it really isn’t about being that terrible thing (in MN eyes) - judgemental. It’s recognising that living your life like this harms you. It really is that simple.

vanillandhoney · 06/11/2020 07:08

@flaviaritt

And some people have said having kinder or more malicious thoughts doesn’t make someone a nicer or less nice person, and I can only say, if that’s true, we have dispensed with the concepts of ‘nice’ and ‘not nice’, because surely those are the only criteria?
No.

People can think whatever they like - and often people who are mentally ill or suffer with anxiety and depression have no control over their thoughts and actually hate themselves because of them.

How you act is what matters. How you treat people. Thinking "oh, Joe Bloggs deserved that after he treated me that way" isn't remotely the same as going out of your way to make bad things happen for Joe Bloggs.

chunkyrun · 06/11/2020 07:08

Schadenfraud! I love that word. Everyone feels this way sometimes

vanillandhoney · 06/11/2020 07:10

And it really isn’t about being that terrible thing (in MN eyes) - judgemental. It’s recognising that living your life like this harms you. It really is that simple.

And why is that anyone else's business?

If you think the way I think harms me, so what? Why does it matter? Why do some people feel the need (not you personally, but others on here) to come on a thread like this and call people vile and disgusting and horrible?

That's much worse than having the odd unpleasant thought.

KeraB · 06/11/2020 07:11

From the OP’s post and subsequent comments from others. It just reinforces to me “what kind of world or we living in?

Where we as fellow human beings can’t be happy for other people’s success and progression in life. My God! It’s like “crab in barrel mentality”.

I personally am happy for people including strangers, when I see, read or hear of their good news. This life we live is so short, why are you hang up on other people’s downfall and misfortune. Instead of focusing on YOUR OWN LIFE and creating the happiness that you seek.

Your thought process and mindset to life comes across as a person who is highly insecure, envious, jealous and sadistic in nature. - Wishing to see other people fail or experience the same level of pain and hurt you feel.

Even if someone enters a room and looks happy and all put together; hair, makeup, clothes and oozing with positive energy and confidence, your the type of person to just instantly feel threatened and hate them for no reason at all but existing in the same space as you.

I am sick and tired of people like you who hate an innocent people for no reason and try to make their life hell in both personal and professional context. Please, get the help you need. That behaviour is not normal, it stems from a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. This is typical for cluster B personality types; Narcissist, psychopaths and sociopaths.

There are genuinely Good people in this world who trust people, are quick to help, honest, loyal and are happy for others around them when they see them doing well or even better than themselves. Their siblings, friends, colleagues and strangers.

Think abundance. Life is not a competition. We all don’t want the same things in life. Our happiness is not all defined the same. So, let other people live and be happy without sabotaging them because you don’t know who you are or how to create your own happiness. Happiness is internal.

I read your post and all the other post trying to normalise cluster b personality traits and Narcissism and I am triggered. I am trigger because I am tired of dealing with people like you IRL. We see you, we know your MO and it saddens hearts,I It’s not a win for humanity. I have been through so much with Narcs I just avoid people in general now and ALL NEWS to myself. I’m not even on social media anymore cause of those people, they love to spy on you, stalk you to compare their life to you and also, to gather info to use to manipulate or use against you at an appointed time. Their envy and jealousy towards others all for living their best life has no limit.

I caught work colleagues spying on my social media handles. 3 work colleagues went and bought the same watch I wear to work. They stated to wear makeup and took interest in their outer appearance. Mind you they never into their appearance when I started working there. I started there wearing full face of makeup and not repeating the same outfit every day for an entire year. I planned AL to Holland in summer and 1 colleague book AL to Holland in autumn. Said colleague also bought same MK watch as me and started taking interest in her makeup, hair and dressing like me, out of no where.

Same colleague also, smiling to my face and going behind my back to smear me.- trying to isolate me in the team. I found out because my line manager told me to be careful of said colleague in supervision.

What hurt the most was I had trusted that colleague. I was nice to her. I did find the mimicking weird. I used to be placid and happy go lucky type of person. Very naive when it came to setting boundaries with colleagues. I was too friendly and thinking everybody has good intentions. It hurts but from that pain I learnt not to trust people I work with and set firm boundaries. I know better now.

When she thought I was pregnant, she ran and got pregnant. That’s how badly some people will use your life as a measuring stick for themselves and even to an extent where they want to kill you to be you. It’s scary!!

I am genuinely fearful of envious and jealous people and also, at the same time I’m just tired of people being jealous and envious of me for my wins and not my struggles. At this point based on all I have gone through both in personal and professional context, I think these people are parasitic and pathetic.

So, to the OP’s post please, get the help you need and don’t reck havoc and chaos amongst those you come across whom you perceive to be doing well in life. Let them live in peace. Stop seeking pleasure and joy from other people’s hurt and pain. It’s not sustainable and it’s maladaptive coping mechanisms. Get the real help you need.

Not judging you at all or others who have posted. My opinion in general.

Ahorsecalledseptember · 06/11/2020 07:11

Would it be acceptable for a parent who lost a child in horrendous circumstances - abduction and murder, for instance, to wish that on others?

I don’t mean the understandable wishing it was someone else’s child in the wrong place and time rather then yours. Just hoping other children experienced terror and agony and other parents immense pain and loss because you did?

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 07:13

How you act is what matters. How you treat people.

No. Because then there wouldn’t be any such thing as a liar. If I go round helping homeless people to impress the world and secretly think they are feckless, smelly beggars who deserve everything coming to them, I’m not nice. That is it.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/11/2020 07:13

@Dongdingdong

But your ignorant comment is okay I guess as you probably haven’t experienced even a quarter of my problems.

Experiencing problems is not an excuse for wishing death on someone’s unborn child. Sorry, but it just isn’t.

I hate this kind of attitude; that if you're genuinely being unkind it's ok because you've had problems and anyone questioning your behaviour must have had a gilded life.

None of us has a clue about the lives others on here are living; we share the parts of ourselves we want to share and to assume that everyone else can't possibly have had your problems is naive.

Of course someone experiencing fertility issues might struggle with being faced with others newborn babies or baby announcements. But that's not in question here; it's more about enjoying other people's failures because of gaps in our own lives and whilst we're all flawed, I don't think getting pleasure from the mistakes of others is healthy.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 07:14

Ahorsecalledseptember

I think we have to accept that some people will experience distortions to their normal thought processes when experiencing grief.

Dongdingdong · 06/11/2020 07:16

Just hoping other children experienced terror and agony

Hoping for children to experience terror and agony is never ok. Fucking hell, I can’t believe someone would even need to ask that question. What is wrong with you people?

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