I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

I hate this kind of attitude; that if you're genuinely being unkind it's ok because you've had problems and anyone questioning your behaviour must have had a gilded life.

This!

My dm is like this and it's because she's miserable. When she was happier in herself and more content with her lot she was much more positive about other people, but that was years ago and I don't think she'll get back to that any time soon, if at all. I'm very sad about that because I love her and don't want her to be miserable, but also it's bloody draining being around someone so mean spirited. Obviously she doesn't let on to anyone else that she has such uncharitable thoughts.

Wanting to be seen as nice is a problem in my view , needing proof you are a nice person , holding doors open blah blah - you care too much what others think and live inside your head.

vanilla I think because while I’m generally okay with fleeting thoughts - they are often involuntary and often a good way of working through a temporary annoyance or frustration - the problem is that wishing ill on someone who has done you no harm is, as I have said, really a character trait I personally find unappealing and unlikeable in the extreme.

Human society is based around judgement, and while I think understanding and compassion are generally better approaches than fire and brimstone, some things will always cause a shudder of revulsion and I don’t foresee a time when this won’t be the case. I will understand and defend stupid mistakes, even with catastrophic consequences. I recognise good people sometimes do bad things due to error of judgement or mental illness or a period of instability. I appreciate long term pain, whether physical or mental, changes and sometimes sours, someone’s character. But that doesn’t mean I have to like or agree with that person, even if I might understand their reason. And as with the other examples, it doesn’t give them a free pass either.

@flaviaritt

How you act is what matters. How you treat people.

No. Because then there wouldn’t be any such thing as a liar. If I go round helping homeless people to impress the world and secretly think they are feckless, smelly beggars who deserve everything coming to them, I’m not nice. That is it.

Meh, I refuse to believe that nobody ever judges anyone or ever has a nasty thought - however fleeting it might be.

It's easy to come online and hide behind a screen and cast judgement on other people. In my opinion that really is an unpleasant personality trait, because not only do you have those thoughts, you're also incapable of keeping them to yourself and have to share them with others - for no good reason really.

Telling someone you think their inner thoughts make them "vile, nasty and horrible" (to quote some previous posters) is a) totally unnecessary and b) all of the things you're judging other people for in the first place.

Er dong I do know that, I was pointing out why it was wholly unacceptable to wish harm on others even if your own pain has been beyond measure!

Great post @KeraB, thank you.

I am a bit like this. I think it's mainly because I've dealt with a lot of shit in my life and sometimes when people get good things, that aren't exactly great people themselves I wonder why them and not me? I'm not a terrible person, I've made mistakes, learnt from them and like to think I'm quite a good person. I think it's just more the fact that I can't understand why some people get handed everything on a plate and others have to work hard for it and suffer. For example I recently passed my theory test and my friend failed hers, I was secretly happy that she did as she's always shoving it in my face how amazing her life is and she hasn't worked for any of it herself unlike me.

Does that make sense?

Meh, I refuse to believe that nobody ever judges anyone or ever has a nasty thought - however fleeting it might be.

I didn’t say otherwise. But it’s just common sense that someone whose thoughts are generally misanthropic and malicious is... well, misanthropic and malicious. There is such a thing as an unpleasant person.

No I don’t feel like this, genuinely other peoples bad luck doesn’t excite me, even if I dislike them, however I feel more like gosh glad it’s not me kind of way.

I can say one thing though, for those who feel like this, peoole know, they won’t say anything but they know that’s your reaction,

because not only do you have those thoughts

@vanillandhoney so you’re telling other people what thoughts they have now? Nice.

I can safely say that I have never wished harm on a stranger’s unborn child.

A few friends had ridiculously easy babies; who slept through, ate everything, no BFing issues etc and pretty much claimed it was down to their parenting etc... when they had their second I kind of hoped a bit they would have a non sleeper with a tiny bit of colic- no such luck!

Now I’ve decided they can’t be that lucky so must be lying about it or have abnormal babies!

There is such a thing as an unpleasant person.

Yup - just look at this thread!

Oops posted too soon. I'm not saying hit old folk with the door as you walk through but be too busy thinking about nice things you are doing for YOU to worry about it, not whether some stranger approves or not.
I think it could be partly due too little love and encouragement in childhood. Start looking and thinking about YOU not how lucky everyone else is.

@Dongdingdong

because not only do you have those thoughts

@vanillandhoney so you’re telling other people what thoughts they have now? Nice.

I can safely say that I have never wished harm on a stranger’s unborn child.

Eh? I'm not talking about that

I'm saying people who come on here casting judgement not only think those things, but they feel the need to come online and tell people how awful they find it as well.

For what purpose?

I don't care what people think in their heads as it has zero impact on anyone else. Just think before you act on it, or use it to make other people feel bad.

If you disagree with what people have said - fine, but there's no need to come online and tell them they're vile or disgusting. It achieves nothing good and just serves to make people feel bad.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. It's human nature to have these thoughts - the fact that thou recognise them as something to be wary of shows your probably not a bad person. Perhaps try to examine them a bit when you notice you're having them - what might that tell you about yourself, your self esteem, whether the relationship with that person is a good one, etc.

If you disagree with what people have said - fine, but there's no need to come online and tell them they're vile or disgusting. It achieves nothing good and just serves to make people feel bad.

Why not? If people put mean and very upsetting comments on a public discussion forum then they should expect to be challenged and checked. Anyway, @KeraB explains it much better than I do.

If people put mean and very upsetting comments on a public discussion forum then they should expect to be challenged and checked.

Meh. People think and feel what they think and feel. Do I think it’s mean? Yes. Am I prepared to say so? Yes. But I don’t know what you mean by “checked”.

I think the problem is vanilla MN can normalise things like this.

IME, while I think it’s far too extreme to describe anyone who falls into this category as a narcissist, it is also not a great way to live your life (that’s a general your, not aimed at you personally.) Ultimately it is self destructive.

I don’t think it automatically equates to awful,terrible person but by the same token it really isn’t a pleasant character trait.

@KeraB I was told just this week by my male boss not to act so confident and happy at work. Fucked up right.

Yes. But I don’t know what you mean by “checked”

Checked as in, they should expect counter arguments from other posters.

Checked as in, they should expect counter arguments from other posters.

How do you counter someone’s feelings? I just don’t get it. They feel how they feel.

@Dongdingdong

If you disagree with what people have said - fine, but there's no need to come online and tell them they're vile or disgusting. It achieves nothing good and just serves to make people feel bad.

Why not? If people put mean and very upsetting comments on a public discussion forum then they should expect to be challenged and checked. Anyway, @KeraB explains it much better than I do.

I don't feel the need to challenge random strangers on their private thoughts. I certainly don't feel the need to tell them their thoughts are vile and disgusting when they have literally no impact on me or anyone else.

How do you counter someone’s feelings? I just don’t get it. They feel how they feel.

So it’s ok to say you’ve wished harm on an unborn child? You think that’s acceptable?

Seem to be a lot of posters confusing thoughts with actions on here.

I only realised this year what someone really thought of me. They'd kept it well hidden for many years. Tbh I preferred it when I didn't know. I feel sorry for them but I also know I have to block them from my life.