I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Sorry if I misunderstood but you said you feel for her (fine, so do I) and are 😧 at the lack of imagination of posters on the thread. This seemed to imply (to me) that you thought that we should find her position acceptable and reasonable because of what she has been through. While I empathise a lot with her pain and trauma, no amount of imagination makes it ok to be wishing for other women's babies to die. Obviously people cannot prevent intrusive thoughts (until they go to get treatment/ medication), so nobody was criticising her for having those thoughts, but the answer to it is clearly to get help as it is not normal. Not to criticise posters for being shocked at something that is clearly not a normal kind of thought to have. In fact a very cruel and irrational one: to inflict the very pain she has been through on others. Your comment seemed to me that you were saying that thinking such evil things is ok. Apologies if i misunderstood what you wrote and by "lack of imagination" you were referring to a different post.

@Temporarything

We can’t always be Pollyanna. I except many people have these negative thoughts and wouldn’t admit to it but recognise it as an unpleasant aspect of their personality. I doubt it’s unusual.

I suppose this is why friends must be selected very carefully. If I get even a hint of this type of mindset from anybody, they cease to be an acquaintance, let alone friend.

The one thing I teach my children above all else is to be kind. I am actually shocked and dismayed that so many people have said this kind of thinking is "normal".

[quote JinpingShuffle]@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse in what way? I have read her posts and feel for her a lot. What she has been through is horrific. But hoping another woman loses her baby is terrible on any scale of objectivity. If someone is having such destructive and cruel intrusive thoughts then that's awful and hopefully they get support and treatment. But that does not make it ok or mean that we should in any way normalise cruel wishes like that and pretend they are ok. They are not. And the therapy to deal with those intrusive thoughts would make that very clear. People's mental health is so important, especially after trauma, but that does not mean for a second that we should pretend it is ok or normal to think things like that. [/quote]
Who the fuck are you to police her thoughts? The woman suffers from intrusive thoughts that are no doubt distressing for her, she didn't actually kill a baby. You don't get to decide if it's ok or not, call her abnormal and make her feel like shit about something she has no control over. Wind your neck in.

As they say 'misery loves company'. Well, it's maybe not quite the right saying but people who are comfortable within themselves are less likely to foster resentment towards others IMO.

The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life.

This is the reason. I'm very happy with my life now and it's made me a much nicer person. Ten years ago, my thought pattern was more like yours. Is there anything you can do to make your life now the way you want it to be? I appreciate this isn't always possible, but if you think long term I'm sure there are things you can do that will make you feel like you're improving your situation. You can get a loan for a master's degree these days, for example and many are 100% online. That could improve your carreer prospects. (That's just a random example, but you get my drift.)

@JinpingShuffle wow, yes you have assumed an awful lot from me agreeing with a comment that it was shocking that people can't imagine how someone could have thoughts like that after going through infertility. I'd say that was just general empathy.

To be clear, I was not saying it was ok to wish that strangers would lose their babies. The poster who wrote that she was feeling that didn't say that it was ok either. I hope you will appreciate that for her such comments must be hugely upsetting to read and maybe you could practice the niceness that you preach with that in mind. Hopefully she isn't still reading.

@itsbeen84years you've said what was in my head, crikey, it's shocking how some people have so little empathy.

It's too malicious and spiteful for me too

@Thenose

There are two separate issues here. One is about intrusive thoughts, and the other is about experiencing pleasure due to the misfortune of others. They're two completely different things. The former can't tell us much at all about the character of a person, but the latter can. How can it not? I've never ever felt good about another's misfortune, even when I've really disliked them. I either feel sorry for them or, with those I really dislike, uncomfortable. I have to believe that I'm in the majority, because the alternative would be incredibly depressing.

I agree with you, Thenose.

Nobody can help intrusive thoughts, I have had them from time to time over the years (including particularly in the post natal period), and they are frightening. Mine were and are when I still have them, about me having some terrible, gruesome thing happen to me, usually involving a tall building or a fire. I can well imagine they could be about doing someone else harm. I have learned how to manage and divert them.

However being (secretly) glad about somebody else's misfortune is a very different matter, it's plain nasty! It is also immature, children and very young people sometimes feel like that, resentful, jealous sometimes, but most will outgrow it; obviously not all.

I think it happens when someone is doing well in an area that we are insecure about in some way. So the happier and more fulfilled you are, the less you have these thoughts, because there is less to compare yourself with. Equally, the more miserable and unfulfilled we are, the more we have these thoughts, because pretty much everyone looks like they have something that you want.

I don't know what you can do about it. Be more happy? If only it were that simple lol.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You sound like a normal person who isn't where they want to be right now. We've all been there at some time or another.

Temporarything We can’t always be Pollyanna. I except many people have these negative thoughts and wouldn’t admit to it but recognise it as an unpleasant aspect of their personality. I doubt it’s unusual

I suppose this is why friends must be selected very carefully. If I get even a hint of this type of mindset from anybody, they cease to be an acquaintance, let alone friend

Then you'd be doing them a favour, JinpingShuffle, getting your judgy ass out of their life. I hope you'd have the intestinal fortitude to tell them why, though I doubt it.

I've got to go back to sleep or I won't be fit for anything tomorrow, but I am rather enjoying all the nice people queuing up to tell OP and others what heinous bitches they are 😉

* But your ignorant comment is okay I guess as you probably haven’t experienced even a quarter of my problems.*

You don’t know that at all. We all react differently to painful experiences we’ve been through. I’ve been through infertility and adopted in the end (I was completely infertile), and I never came close to hoping a pregnant woman would lose her baby.

I’m sorry you went through what you did, though, and I do agree that the poster you were responding to was unnecessarily harsh and judgemental.

What I've found amazing on this thread is the number of posters who appear so confident that uncharitable thoughts would never cross their minds, and are happy to condemn/hand out medical advice/pity those who in good faith have offered their experiences.

1. In this case you can't prove a negative, so you can't say a thought wouldn't cross your mind.
2. What matters is what you do/say, not what you think.

This has been an enlightening thread, and not in a good way.

@echt It's definitely reminded me that the internet is a strange place sometimes. The irony of posting about teaching your kids to be kind and then posting such judgemental hogwash about 'evil thoughts'. If I was being kind I'd put it down to a lack of self awareness, but I think I've already been told I'm not kind. I'm quite happy with that if that's what it is to be kind though. I prefer my position.

It's caused by low self esteem but you're not alone. Doesn't make it right though.

@echt It's definitely reminded me that the internet is a strange place sometimes. The irony of posting about teaching your kids to be kind and then posting such judgemental hogwash about 'evil thoughts'. If I was being kind I'd put it down to a lack of self awareness, but I think I've already been told I'm not kind. I'm quite happy with that if that's what it is to be kind though. I prefer my position

👍

It's caused by low self esteem but you're not alone

Not necessarily so. It can be the result of properly lively conscience, an urge to regulate thoughts, which in the case of the OP, seems likely

Doesn't make it right though

How can anyone have right and wrong thoughts?

Hmmmm I wouldn’t want to be your friend OP. It will stem indeed from your own disatisfaction with yourself. You feel better about your self when bad things happen to others. Sort your own happiness out and then you will be genuinely happy if nice things happen to others or vice versa.

@echt

While I haven't experienced what GrumpyHoonMain describes, I feel for her and am at the failure of imagination of a significant number of posters on this thread.

Having been through fertility struggles myself but not having had these sort of intrusive thoughts, I totally agree with you.

When I was doing ivf abroad, there was a british woman on her 12th cycle. Funnily enough she was not interested in being my friend. I imagine she had had some pretty dark times and was protecting herself. I can well imagine she had such thoughts. I have thought about her over the years and genuinely hope she was successful.

Despite being disabled and chronically ill, I do not have intrusive thoughts of such hopes. No. If I did, I would have given up on life a long time ago.

My last paragraph was about thoughts of people coming to harm in general to be clear.

Hmmmm I wouldn’t want to be your friend OP

Did you read the OP's OP?

It was about her thoughts. You may well have friends who have such thoughts too, very likely judging by this thread. There is no pop- quiz to identify this, unfortunately for you, though a fair number have claimed to "know" such types.

I think it's usual to be envious of some things, right?

I mean, I've never wished physical harm or relationship issues on anyone but I have felt a twinge of envy being shown around houses which are clearly a lot nicer than mine. I'm usually quite open about it, at least with close friends. I'll just say, "I'm so jealous, I love it! What are your plans for it".

@echt I think you CAN sniff friends like this out yes. It may take a while but you generally do know which friends are genuinely happy for you and those who aren’t.

@echt I think you CAN sniff friends like this out yes. It may take a while but you generally do know which friends are genuinely happy for you and those who aren’t

But it's what they say and do, or how else would you know?
The OP has been condemned for some for her thoughts.