I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Some envy is inevitable in life, as we're only human. Do I envy women who are able to have bio DC? Of course I do, as my DH and I tried for four years for me to conceive a child, so pretending I'm not envious would be ridiculous and no one would believe me anyway.

When I married my DH, my DSis was in an abusive marriage, and I know that she found it hard at times to see how happy I was .

That's entirely different from wishing ill on the person you envy. When my SIL and DSis had bio their bio DC, I did find it hard being around them at times, but when they had their babies, I was really happy for them, and looked forward to seeing my nieces and nephews for the first time.

When I got married, my DSis was my MOH and helped to make the day really special.

I can't imagine wishing ill on someone because they've had a child when I couldn't. (I now have two adopted DDs, so I have now come to terms with my infertility in any case.) But I also can't imagine that anyone who feels like this is in a good place in their lives.

Feelings can be abnormal or bad. It’s ridiculous to say otherwise. Wishing pain, or harm on someone is not perfectly normal in any way shape nor form.

Simply because some feel this way due to their own circumstances doesn’t mean it’s normal.

It’s very different if it’s someone who has hurt you and you are not over that hurt, but to wish ill or be pleased at a friends misfortune, even if that person has never been anything but a friend to you is not remotely normal. And it is bad.

Trying to justify your own behaviour by declaring it normal doesn’t make it so. At least the op is owning it and trying to understand it. And not pretending it’s perfectly normal and not remotely bad for her to be happy when others aren’t.

I really hate this attitude of “your feelings can’t be wrong because they are your feelings”. Yeah they can be wrong. Wishing death, destruction, ill will, pain on folks who you profess to like or even perfect strangers is wrong and signifies an issue within yourself.

Thoughts exist, thoughts come to you- the question is what you do with them. Do you tell yourself these are negative thoughts, they are unpleasant thoughts, they are not who I want to be?

Or do you say "well, that's who I am, can't do anything about that?" Do you indulge your thoughts? Do you come on here to have them validated?

Bluntness makes good point about building a fantasy around wishing someone ill, and quite likely she is right and there is a connection here between wanting someone to be punished, wanting them to suffer disproportionately.

I'd watch myself, OP. Are you getting into the habit of encouraging harshness in others? If you secretly like the idea of other people being hurt or punished, how much do you do to stop bad things happening to others? Do you, for instance, go on a forum like this and encourage kindliness and fairness, or are you getting into the habit of egging people on? Do you work on being the person you want to be or do you let the negative thoughts dictate the person you are?

@SwimmingOnEggshells

You'd be surprised who can see through the thinly veiled veneer.

I am pretty sure I know people who think like this. I base it on little snippets of information they've shared over the years, how they look around them when they're in your house, you can see judgements being made. Or they might make comments about other people in passing. It's not nice.

I'm probably paranoid, but I don't give any negative information or moan about my lot to these kinds of people.

I don't think you're paranoid. A lot of women on this thread are unaware of how their ugly feelings leak onto their facial expressions. I've seen people try to suppress a smirk before they have to battle to keep the corners of their mouth down. Sometimes they will outwardly be sympathizing with you, saying all the right things, but their eyes will have a certain jolly or bright looks to them.

I think we don't always get enough guidance in how to deal with our own human tendencies towards negativity. This is very good on what qualities you can work on to improve - Openness, Conscientious, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Not-Neuroticism:

There’s a lot of people on here saying they’re thoughts and that’s fine.....but I’d put a lot of money on them not being, whether consciously or unconsciously I would put money on this spilling over into behaviour.

Like @SwimmingOnEggshells said early in the thread. She’s knows people like this, as do I. Because we’ve been on the receiving end of it - not nice. One of people I know whose the worst for this thinks she’s really nice and caring and supportive, she’s not it’s an act to cover up for her being an asshole and all her friends know it to some degree.

I think you're unhappy because of this constant comparison and reliance on others to feel good about you. I'm not saying you have to be less of a closet bitch, but you need to feel good because you did those things that you think are successful like a tidy house, about your external appearance to others. You'll probably find if you're happy with you for you you wouldn't thrive so much on whether or not someone has a flaw.

Isn’t there a saying: every time someone succeeds, a little bit of me dies?!

Yes, yes, yes @EarthSight this is exactly the same with the people I described!!

I've experienced difficult times and trauma and when good thing happened later on in life such as getting engaged / pregnant (after years of fertility issues and miscarriages) I've always been aware of the type of person that secretly wishes you ill in your fleeting moments of happiness. So unpleasant.

I understand harbouring bad feelings about someone who has caused you real grief or harm though it's never healthy to do so long term. But feeling secretly or not so secretly pleased that something good didn't work out for a friend because it makes you feel better about yourself is really petty.

And the pp who said they want to have the "best life"compared to everyone else.... .

It sounds like some of the posters who feel happy at their friends' misfortunes get super vexed that others don't have the same toxic outlook. If you are 'happy' with your ill thoughts, by all means be happy but don't expect others to validate them or feel the same, not everyone does no matter how much you want to normalise feeling happy at other people's difficulties.

Agree @EarthSight- you have described it well. Most people give themselves away

Its because you are unhappy with your own life. If you can sort your own life and yourself out, you will have the emotional resilience to be more generous in your feelings to others.

I think most of us are aware that others feel like this. And that’s why I don’t over share stuff with people outside my family. I have a friend who always seems interested and engaged when something bad happens in my life - she will ask regularly for updates. Yet if I’m really excited or happy about something she barely wants to hear about it. Maybe I’m more aware as I can be similar sometimes. She has a beautiful house she’s been trying to sell for months, and has barely had viewings. She announced yesterday she is taking it off the market for now, and I felt a twinge of happiness about it. But in my defence she’s very judgey about where I live - nice house but in a bit of a crappy area.

Feelings can be abnormal or bad. It’s ridiculous to say otherwise. Wishing pain, or harm on someone is not perfectly normal in any way shape nor form.

Well said @Bluntness100. It’s something that seems to be worryingly lost on a number of posters in this thread!

People like you are the reason why I don't share any important projects until they have come through

I have known people like this, it’s not enough for them to do well but they need others to do badly to feel good about themselves. I’ve also known people who will actively undermine people to achieve this shoring up of their own ego, grim.

So, OP, in case you are asking "why should I bother to stop those thoughts in their tracks" here is why:

1. Because as many people have testified, it is inevitable that sooner or later your thoughts will leak through in facial expressions, comments, perhaps even in actions. There is a serious risk that sooner or later they will influence your behaviour. And even if they don't, other people will know and that will hurt them.

1. Because these thoughts will make you unhappy. They will not make you feel good about yourself. They will make you focus on negatives rather than on positives, on things that turn out badly rather than on things that turn out well. They give other people- your school bully, the neighbour you don't really like- far too much power over you. You are focusing on the people, or aspects of people, that you don't like, rather than on people and things about them you do like.

I have a friend who truly doesn't have a bad bone in her body, mind, spirit.

She is kindness personified and sees the good in everything.

I do wonder if she ever has bad thoughts and how she deals with them.

Most people have or had intrusive thoughts/ dark thoughts
This can help

Recognise and label them as just thoughts and let them float away
The more you push them down - they can spring back
Recognise them and laugh at them - reject them

They will evaporate
Do a loving kindness meditation - which sends loving kindness to people we love, people annoy us etc.

Loads on the internet - Davidji is good.

Thinking of 3 things to be grateful for every morning

The saying "hurt people...hurt people" is very true I believe. If you can think these hurtful people came from a hurt place it can help. Not my first reaction by any measure but I am working on it

We are only human and "works in progress" but by recognising this very human trait and dealing with it - you will get happier and your life will improve

Lots to read from different religious and non religious thinkers to help with this approach
Off the top of my head.

Dr Wayne Dywer -
Fr Richard Rohr
Jay Shetty
Dr Rangan Chatterjee
Katie Bryron
Anthony De Mello

There is loads on u tubes or podcasts

Good luck

I think this sort of thing happens in the work place a lot too. And I feel like I can pick them out pretty quick. In our office we have a group of people collectively saying ‘ oh, Jenny is the most kindest and sweetest person I know’, and yet I can see that she really isn’t, and wonder why others don’t see what I see? And I feel she knows that as we kind of avoid each other - it’s as if she knows she’s projecting herself as something she’s not, and sees I can see through it too.

My STBXH used to regularly tell me he didn't understand why people had to pretend to be nice, and hide what they really thought.
That was an insight. He really thought everyone thought like him really but covered it up by pretending to care.
That scared me a lot.

Interesting, bad thoughts are not bad actions so don’t worry, if your actions are good, you’re a good person.

Your bad thoughts are only bothering you, this sounds like reverse envy. Think of your emotions as flags to what you need to change and work on changing it. While your busy making the life you want you’ll be too busy to notice what the people around you are doing.

Bad thoughts reflect on your self esteem, try listening to Marisa Peer on Youtube, she’s a warm bath of self love and it does the trick.

@SophocIestheFox

This thread is fascinating. I’m getting a real insight into how some people think.

I agree!

It's hard not to sound like a massive douche but I genuinely don't ever think bad things about people or celebrate in their failures.

Even for people who do bad things. I never have, I am not sure that is entirely healthy tbh

@lovelemoncurd

It's caused by low self esteem but you're not alone. Doesn't make it right though.

I have low self esteem but I still take pleasure in nice things that happen to others and sympathise inwardly and outwardly when bad things happen.

unreasonable that is.

Hello Yoda.