I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Who are you addressing these comments to? Because I haven’t used those words anywhere on this thread.

No, but plenty of other people have.

If you don’t find it shocking though that someone could actively wish harm on an unborn baby, then I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself.

I do find it shocking, but I also realise those thoughts must come from a very dark place and are most probably the result of years of heartache, depression and grief.

Also, as wishing doesn't actually make bad things happen - the poster who said those things hasn't actually committed an offence. She doesn't deserve to have loads of insults flung at her. It's well known that grief can make people think very strange things, as can mental illness like depression.

But no, I don't judge people who went through things like that and who admitted to feeling guilty as fuck because of it. My judgment isn't going to help them - it won't make them feel better and it won't stop them feeling angry and upset about their circumstances.

I don't feel the need to come online and judge people who clearly went through a tough enough time as it is. The last thing @GrumpyHoonMain needs is more and more people jumping on her and making her feel even worse.

I think it is dishonest of people to say they never have an uncharitable thought and then think ‘that’s a bit mean of me’.

Reposted for bold/clarity:

Who are you addressing these comments to? Because I haven’t used those words anywhere on this thread.

No, but plenty of other people have.

If you don’t find it shocking though that someone could actively wish harm on an unborn baby, then I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself.

I do find it shocking, but I also realise those thoughts must come from a very dark place and are most probably the result of years of heartache, depression and grief.

Also, as wishing doesn't actually make bad things happen - the poster who said those things hasn't actually committed an offence. She doesn't deserve to have loads of insults flung at her. It's well known that grief can make people think very strange things, as can mental illness like depression.

But no, I don't judge people who went through things like that and who admitted to feeling guilty as fuck because of it. My judgment isn't going to help them - it won't make them feel better and it won't stop them feeling angry and upset about their circumstances.

I don't feel the need to come online and judge people who clearly went through a tough enough time as it is. The last thing @GrumpyHoonMain needs is more and more people jumping on her and making her feel even worse.

If someone had racist thoughts would you say the same thing?

Rather than say I do not accept their thoughts? Of course. It is not for me to deny the contents of another person’s mind. Their thoughts exist whether I like them or not.

@OverTheRainbow88, after a period of illness I was unemployed. My DD was attending a BF group and I offered to babysit for a couple of the Mum's who had no support. This escalated into me babysitting for quite a few families. My background was in CP and I was a hands on GM, so people trusted me. None of them had the 'easy/asleep 7-7' babies they described to others. One woman's 'eat anything' toddler lived on porridge and rice. No judgment on my part, I've sern all types of parenting/toddlers through to adulthood and very little is that important to judge. But people do bend the truth.

Well, no one has said that temporary but there is a world of difference between waking up late one day and being in a rush to get to work and having fleeting thoughts about bad things happening to the slow, hesitant driver in front of you, and driving around in a constant state of anger and suppressed rage because of it months later.

That’s the distinction, I think.

I am like this too!!

Yes you are an arsehole -

IMO a terrible person is someone who acts on their involuntary, unkind thoughts. A good person is someone who has them but resists them and keeps them to themself.

You are doing just fine OP.

I certainly don’t want grumpy to feel worse, but I don’t get the impression the thoughts are ones she feels bad about, possibly in part due to a counsellor.

This is where anonymous sites can be helpful by pointing out that actually, it’s not really very pleasant.

The antidote to this is gratitude. Everyday speak out or write down three things that you are grateful.

Because the root of this is a scarcity mindset - that there are limited good things around and that somehow someone else’s good or bad things - take away or give to you.

Deal with the root and the outcome will be different.

Also, as wishing doesn't actually make bad things happen

Nope - you can’t ever justify wishing death on an unborn baby, however difficult your own life is. You just can’t.

This is interesting. I recently bought a book to read to my 4 year-old which was one that my Mum read to me in the late seventies. I loved it. However, reading it now, the theme that runs through each story is how a naughty boy always gets his comeuppance and is “taught a lesson” by something bad happening to him, usually orchestrated by his victims. I had a lightbulb moment that this is probably not the way I want my son to look at life when he said and so I have sadly put it away. But it took me a while to realise that because I have the same basic instinct for revenge and enjoy schadenfreude like most human beings. I’m more conscious of trying not to think that way these days because my husband is a very kind and generous man who has called me out on the odd comment in the past.

In other words I would say don’t beat yourself up about it OP but maybe try to challenge those thoughts a bit more when you have them.

This sounds as though to feel safe and secure you feel the need to put others in a one-down position. I agree with @DorisDaisyMay, it's based on a presumption of scarcity and it sounds like a pretty miserable position to be in.

The thing is you see it all the time. Think of the mrs hinch threads, people say horrid things and many wish ill on her. For no reason other than she’s successful and attractive. And they make up reasons and exaggerate them to justify their behaviour.

Most people even if they do start to have a nasty thought, they stop it in their tracks, but others will let it go and build a fantasy round it, sharing it with others. It’s so transparent.

And as said you can see it, we ve all met that person, who you can see the fleeting split second look of pleasure, that they try to hide, or of displeasure, that they also try to hide, when something goes badly or well for someone.

However the one thing that always needs recognised is it’s seldom about the other person and nearly always about the person wishing ill on someone, or hating on someone, because they have what that person doesn’t.

Sounds bitter
What a sad life

The other thing that occurs to me is these same people have a desire for “punishment” . They want to see others punished. You see it on threads about a kid who is misbehaving or someone cheating. And it’s extreme, they want to see someone punished heavily even thought they’ve never met the person, even if it’s unjust,even if it far outweighs the crime, even if others get hurt in the process, just the mere thought of it, is satisfying to them.

That does sound unusual, OP.

I'm really happy for friends when good things happen to them, I hate to think of anyone I love having bad news.

I don't see how anyone having bad news could affect your life and make you feel better? It sounds spiteful. Not a nice trait at all.

I think it's the feeling of 'glad it's not me' but you could work on being a bit more compassionate. As long as these thoughts are in your head and not being voiced. Some thoughts can be intrusive and upsetting this is also normal.
If you know right from wrong and can brush unwanted thoughts away then you're not an arsehole.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel a momentary happiness to others misfortunes, especially when they have hurt us in the past. It's human, just like being angry, sad, jealous or envious.

Feelings aren't intrinsically wrong or bad, but normal, and we should be taught to accept them and deal with them. Unfortunally our society expects us to feel nothing but joy, generosity, gratitude etc.. all feelings that seem more acceptable. See all the posters who seems genuinely shocked by the OP.

I'm sure even the Dalai Lama has unpleasant thoughts he has to deal with, even Jesus had!

I certainly don’t want grumpy to feel worse, but I don’t get the impression the thoughts are ones she feels bad about, possibly in part due to a counsellor.

Why do you want her to feel bad? What would that achieve in the real world? People struggling with their mental health and with grief feel shit enough already without strangers piling on and telling them how they feel is shitty too.

I don’t want her to feel bad in a general sense at all vanilla, I do think that recognising your thought process was skewed, unkind and wrong is important, though, not justified because of fertility problems.

@KeraB

From the OP’s post and subsequent comments from others. It just reinforces to me “what kind of world or we living in?

Where we as fellow human beings can’t be happy for other people’s success and progression in life. My God! It’s like “crab in barrel mentality”.

I personally am happy for people including strangers, when I see, read or hear of their good news. This life we live is so short, why are you hang up on other people’s downfall and misfortune. Instead of focusing on YOUR OWN LIFE and creating the happiness that you seek.

Your thought process and mindset to life comes across as a person who is highly insecure, envious, jealous and sadistic in nature. - Wishing to see other people fail or experience the same level of pain and hurt you feel.

Even if someone enters a room and looks happy and all put together; hair, makeup, clothes and oozing with positive energy and confidence, your the type of person to just instantly feel threatened and hate them for no reason at all but existing in the same space as you.

I am sick and tired of people like you who hate an innocent people for no reason and try to make their life hell in both personal and professional context. Please, get the help you need. That behaviour is not normal, it stems from a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. This is typical for cluster B personality types; Narcissist, psychopaths and sociopaths.

There are genuinely Good people in this world who trust people, are quick to help, honest, loyal and are happy for others around them when they see them doing well or even better than themselves. Their siblings, friends, colleagues and strangers.

Think abundance. Life is not a competition. We all don’t want the same things in life. Our happiness is not all defined the same. So, let other people live and be happy without sabotaging them because you don’t know who you are or how to create your own happiness. Happiness is internal.

I read your post and all the other post trying to normalise cluster b personality traits and Narcissism and I am triggered. I am trigger because I am tired of dealing with people like you IRL. We see you, we know your MO and it saddens hearts,I It’s not a win for humanity. I have been through so much with Narcs I just avoid people in general now and ALL NEWS to myself. I’m not even on social media anymore cause of those people, they love to spy on you, stalk you to compare their life to you and also, to gather info to use to manipulate or use against you at an appointed time. Their envy and jealousy towards others all for living their best life has no limit.

I caught work colleagues spying on my social media handles. 3 work colleagues went and bought the same watch I wear to work. They stated to wear makeup and took interest in their outer appearance. Mind you they never into their appearance when I started working there. I started there wearing full face of makeup and not repeating the same outfit every day for an entire year. I planned AL to Holland in summer and 1 colleague book AL to Holland in autumn. Said colleague also bought same MK watch as me and started taking interest in her makeup, hair and dressing like me, out of no where.

Same colleague also, smiling to my face and going behind my back to smear me.- trying to isolate me in the team. I found out because my line manager told me to be careful of said colleague in supervision.

What hurt the most was I had trusted that colleague. I was nice to her. I did find the mimicking weird. I used to be placid and happy go lucky type of person. Very naive when it came to setting boundaries with colleagues. I was too friendly and thinking everybody has good intentions. It hurts but from that pain I learnt not to trust people I work with and set firm boundaries. I know better now.

When she thought I was pregnant, she ran and got pregnant. That’s how badly some people will use your life as a measuring stick for themselves and even to an extent where they want to kill you to be you. It’s scary!!

I am genuinely fearful of envious and jealous people and also, at the same time I’m just tired of people being jealous and envious of me for my wins and not my struggles. At this point based on all I have gone through both in personal and professional context, I think these people are parasitic and pathetic.

So, to the OP’s post please, get the help you need and don’t reck havoc and chaos amongst those you come across whom you perceive to be doing well in life. Let them live in peace. Stop seeking pleasure and joy from other people’s hurt and pain. It’s not sustainable and it’s maladaptive coping mechanisms. Get the real help you need.

Not judging you at all or others who have posted. My opinion in general.

I understand exactly what you are talking about. One should not conflate those who have occasional unwelcome intrusive thoughts with individuals who simply revel in the misery of someone who has not wronged them and in fact has been kind to them. I had a ‘friend’ who I tried to help in her time of difficulty. I wasn’t judgmental and tried to be supportive . When she had financial problems I gave her a sum of money to tide her over. I didn’t mention this to a soul. A few years later, I faced financial difficulties , lost my home etc. This friend told me that it was my turn to go through financial misery. I was shocked and extremely hurt. I understand that sometimes we can feel twinges of envy towards others, but to revel in a friend’s/innocent person’s misery is not normal , despite what some posters think.

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Today 07:31 Nc135

@KeraB I was told just this week by my male boss not to act so confident and happy at work. Fucked up right.

@Nc135 It really is indeed. With some personality types thriving in that dysfunctional approach..Going to work Is now like a jungle / war zone and having to strategise your interaction with colleagues. It’s unhealthy, inorganic, superficial and exhausting. Just to obtain a salary at the end of the month. - I find that it is this that makes holding down a job challenging and depressing as oppose to the actual work you have to do at the job. The environment that is created for you to work in.

God forbid your happy and confident at work! It’s mental and unhealthy behaviour that sadly, healthy people are being forced to adopt because of having a Narcissistic bossy and working culture. To avoid being dragged into work politics.

This thread is fascinating. I’m getting a real insight into how some people think.