To feel hacked off with the way my assistant spoke to me today?

[Maria53]

I was promoted from a junior position around lockdown time & 2 months ago an assistant was hired to help me with 2 specific projects/lighten the load.

I was asked to find brand ambassadors for an important client, something no one at the company has done before. Therefore even my boss has been asking my advice on how to do it as it is going very well.

The issue is that at the beginning I was told to cast the net far and wide, reaching out to many potential leads and see who came back. In the end too many came back when I didnt know if we would get anyone!

I've had to pick a few and havent replied to those who only expressed mild interest. My assistant raised it a few days ago, wanting to know why I had 'ghosted' the leads now it has only been a week since I spoke to them and I am still making my decisions. I explained this is all a learning curve for me to and we can look at putting a strategy in place for us and the wider team.

She replied again saying 'well I just think it is very bad practice'. That stopped me in my tracks because no colleague would speak to me like that or vice versa.

I am doing the jobs of 2 people now effectively and it is very hard doing everything. AIBU to not appreciate this and want to know how to handle it?

@switswooo

1 week is nothing, I’ve been applying jug to jobs and companies take 1m + to get back to applicants.

OP, if she was as good an employee as she is making out to be she should have drafted a response email to the rejectees and compiled a list of people to email. She’s your assistant, she needs to assist you!

This

Have you been on any people management courses or training since you were made more senior in the team?

There are some great people management books on amazon too. Id suggest you buy a few of those to help.

I have a team and I encourage them to speak up with their opinions. Its one of the best ways to get new ideas and results in my mind. This assistant gave you her opinion - I'm not sure what the issue is. Yes, she should have worded it better but perhaps she was chatting with you more informally.

This is also complicated by the fact that you aren't her line manager. You need to be careful about how you approach this because you aren't in a position to reprimand her. Maybe have a one to one chat with her and politely tell her that her direct attitude can appear a bit abrasive and she should maybe consider the way she speaks to colleagues a bit more.

Any further action is down to her LM. If its bothering you then I suggest a diary of incidents you can then go through with your LM and ask them to potentially address.

I think she's right and it does sound like bad practice. Don't you want to keep people on your side for the future ?

I don’t think the assistant isn’t entitled to an opinion. But I do think she isn’t the equal of her manager or she wouldn’t be the assistant. So she needs to take account of that when deciding how to present her ideas.

LadyTiredWinterBottom

No, but the people who generally do well in life know when and how to express that opinion tactfully, in an appropriate medium and language tailored to their audience.

This assistant has not done that. You don't tell a colleague you feel their behaviour is "bad practice" in such a blunt way. What has the assistant achieved? She works for the company not the applicants. If she feels the approach taken may inadvertently offend and perhaps put off future applicants, or may damage company reputation, those are considered evaluations to make if justified/evidenced. But a vague statement like "bad practice" with no thought as to resolution/improvement is just rude regardless of the seniority of each party to the conversation. It shows the assistants' lack of experience & acumen.

OK so I'm confused from your initial post I thought she was hired as your specific assistant and your her manager.

So she is an assistant to another line manager who has been assigned to you to help with two specific projects?

To be honest from reading your posts it comes across that your not very confident in your role and thats why your questioning comments and emails, its your own insecurity at your competency in your new role. Combined with a high workload it sounds you really can't see the wood for the trees.

If she isn't your direct report how do you manage her workload? Do you have a set priority list and defined authority for her work load? Maybe if you spend some time actually thinking about what you need from her to make your life easier you will feel more in control.

I'm surprised at the responses here. Of course the assistant is entitled to share her opinion but telling her boss it's 'bad practice' is not the right way to do it. That phrase also suggests she knows best about what is good and bad practice, not how to speak to your manager whether you happen to have more experience in that area or not. How about 'I just wanted to let you know that I do feel strongly about replying to everyone that applied. Having been on the other side of the fence myself I know the applicants would really appreciate it. Are you planning on doing that? If you aren't able to I'm happy to take it on for you' or something similar.

In other countries (such as Sweden) where there is less hierarchy in business and a 'flat' structure, everyone is valued more equally, it actually makes a nicer place to work.

Ha this is kind of ball though, because they aren't "valued equally" when they get paid. At the end of the day, if you are genuinely adding value/valued for in demand skills, you will be paid for it. You can tell because either a) you are offered more money to move elsewhere OR your current employer offers you more to stay.

If you are more junior & lower paid its because you are more easily replaceable and thus inherently less valuable.

I think you might need to grow a thicker skin if you're offended by that.

@flaviaritt with an attitude like that, if you have an assistant I pity you both as you won't be getting the most out of them and they must have a terrible work environment.

If you don't have an assistant, you have absolutely no idea how an effective, productive and rewarding exec/PA relationship works.

I would hate to work in an environment where i wasn't allowed to criticise my "betters" or be micro-managed. I have worked for the sort of recently-promoted over-sensitive manager that the OP appears to be, and TBH they do take careful handling as they often don't really know what they are doing and don't take criticism well. General rule of managing one's manager, though, is never bring them a problem without a solution. That way, you get to do what you want .

Have a come-to-Jesus talk with her, OP, and be very straight. You like her drive, but you need her to work with you, not against you, and you need her to be "law firm professional", not creative industry cool. Pitch it right, and you will be able to tell in a couple of weeks whether she is clueless or malignant.

@Maria53

I was promoted from a junior position around lockdown time & 2 months ago an assistant was hired to help me with 2 specific projects/lighten the load.

I was asked to find brand ambassadors for an important client, something no one at the company has done before. Therefore even my boss has been asking my advice on how to do it as it is going very well.

The issue is that at the beginning I was told to cast the net far and wide, reaching out to many potential leads and see who came back. In the end too many came back when I didnt know if we would get anyone!

I've had to pick a few and havent replied to those who only expressed mild interest. My assistant raised it a few days ago, wanting to know why I had 'ghosted' the leads now it has only been a week since I spoke to them and I am still making my decisions. I explained this is all a learning curve for me to and we can look at putting a strategy in place for us and the wider team.

She replied again saying 'well I just think it is very bad practice'. That stopped me in my tracks because no colleague would speak to me like that or vice versa.

I am doing the jobs of 2 people now effectively and it is very hard doing everything. AIBU to not appreciate this and want to know how to handle it?

No colleague would point out you were making a mistake?

You're snubbing people who you want for publicity what will you do if they decide to mention that?

I worked in PR for years and to be honest, your assistant sounds like she actually cares more about the outcome of this project than you do and your dithering and overly complicated system (strategy to send a short email?!) is probably frustrating her. I know it would have driven me mad.

You were a junior five minutes ago. I think you need to get off your high horse and worry less about forcing people to respect you and just get stuff done. Especially if you are busier than ever. Quick decision making and action is what’s needed in those times but you also have to listen to the ones around you. That’s how you learn.

So she is not allowed to express an opinion?
And she is quite right. You approached these people - you should have the courtesy to keep them informed.
Sounds like your assistant is aware that you're the one who's not a very good ambassador for your company.

She has an opinion, it was said in professional terms. Not a big deal. Sounds a bit like you don't like the little people piping up. That could be not it at all, I might be reading it wrong, but underlings are allowed to speak up to their overlords.

bigcatlittlecatcardboardbox

Not sure what I said to get your back up that much. But actually neither of your assumptive scenarios is correct. I don’t (currently) have several unhappy assistants, and I do know perfectly well how such relationships work.

My manager and I have a great relationship. If I thought that what they were doing was “bad practice” I’d feel very at ease letting them know.
Your manager isn’t your king. They’re your colleague, and feedback from one another is a great thing.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

LadyTiredWinterBottom

No, but the people who generally do well in life know when and how to express that opinion tactfully, in an appropriate medium and language tailored to their audience.

This assistant has not done that. You don't tell a colleague you feel their behaviour is "bad practice" in such a blunt way. What has the assistant achieved? She works for the company not the applicants. If she feels the approach taken may inadvertently offend and perhaps put off future applicants, or may damage company reputation, those are considered evaluations to make if justified/evidenced. But a vague statement like "bad practice" with no thought as to resolution/improvement is just rude regardless of the seniority of each party to the conversation. It shows the assistants' lack of experience & acumen.

I agree.

It is not 'best practice' to speak to a senior (or even anyone) in the way she did. And putting "we ghosted them" in a written document is the height of unprofessionalism. I would completely give her the menial task of sending holding emails.

One of the joys of being a manager is to be very nice to your junior on the surface no matter what you think of them personally. So butter her up and seek her 'valued' opinion and let her get on with the less 'strategic' work.

An assistant needs to have the EQ to lighten your load proactively not accuse you. That you feel overworked while your assistant has enough free time to judge something she clearly doesn’t understand suggests you don’t trust her to delegate. Is that right? I have had assistants and all of them, even the worst ones, would have offered solutions rather than blame me like that.

Maybe tell her how you feel, say you need her to take more responsibility, and reframe this as a development discussion. The two of you need to be a team.

Sounds like she's trying to get her opinions heard but does it in an immature way.(or she's an undermining bitch!)
Also sounds like she behaves like this to others,so it's not personal.
I'd let her dig herself a hole being late etc. Dont change yourself around her - people will notice her behaviour, but they'll also notice yours if you react to her!
I'd provide feedback via her actual line manager ie. "Hilarious comment on the spreadsheet but can you have a chat with her about maintaining a professional tone with professional documents"

If she'd said that comment to me I would prob say, "that is a great point, please can you draft a standard acknowledgement/thank you response to send to all interested parties?"
And if you think she has potential, start praising the good stuff she does - so when you need to pick up on learning needs she will listen. Talk to her about supporting her.

@fairynick

My manager and I have a great relationship. If I thought that what they were doing was “bad practice” I’d feel very at ease letting them know. Your manager isn’t your king. They’re your colleague, and feedback from one another is a great thing.

I bet you wouldn’t say that without offering a solution first.

@noldontwatchloveiand l agree she hasn't delivered it in the best way. Op posted this as a person affront but in fact this assistant appears to be seriously lacking in social skills- it's not personal at all. A personality clash in the making though.

Whatever you do don’t give her the line about reminding you of yourself a year ago. It’s just incredibly patronising, condescending and arrogant all wrapped up in one infuriating package.

I do think she needs to change some things with her attitude, and so do you. You come across thin skinned and under confident, and give a bit of an air of superiority. Perhaps this is one reason she is being abrasive because she can sense she is being treated as a ‘lowly’ assistant. Or, she might just be an abrasive person naturally. Either way, look to yourself first before you decide how to move forward with resolving the situation.

So manage her better, then. She's right that you have ghosted these people and you need to send out a holding email asap. Get her to draft and send it.

Tell her it's not acceptable to use that phrase in the spreadsheet and to change it to something like "in contact, pending"

30 minutes late for a meeting? why didn't you call her when the meeting started? and again 5 minutes later? Frankly I close the door in my meetings just as they start and i don't let anyone in after that unless they have a bloody good reason. It's disruptive, and everyone knows when we're having a meeting with a start time of, say, 9:00 - they are there, at 9:00 with their drink in front of them, any tech they need ready to go, pencils and notebooks at the ready (or whatever).

In a meeting today when the client mentioned a good piece of work I said that my assistant did it to give her that recognition.

I actually asked for training 1 month ago and told no you just keep learning on the job. For this reason I intend to move on next year. As I say I am not her LM but treated as one from the start. I don't think she gets much support from others.