Who is really unreasonable here? I’ve been made out to be awful

[WendyToba]

I went out to dinner yesterday with SIL, her two DC, my DC and a friend of hers.

It was just a Beefeater type of place so nothing fancy. DC was asleep by the time as got there for 6 so didn’t eat anything. I had a olives, plate of chicken nuggets, chips, a coke and a WKD. For desert I had a cheesecake.

SIL and her friend had a steak each with chips, few bottles of wine between them. No desert. SIL’s DC had a kids meal each with a drink, and a desert which was separate fo the child’s one that came with the meal, as they wanted something else.

I did a total in my head for my food to have been about £21/22, so put £25 down in cash. There was no discussion of splitting the bill, the others just paid their own by card.

Received a text this morning from SIL that said her friend really likes her but they both wondered why I didn’t offer to split all of the alcohol together? So my WKD, their bottle of wines and then split that between us. Pay for our own food. I replied because my WKD was cheap? She said why do I think that?

What on earth do I reply? She’s just said that via text. I think it’s a bit off... isn’t it?

She sounds awful and so do her friends. I’d never, ever do anything with her again, I’d not be able to be interested in her or to miss being asked anywhere with her. Nobody needs people like that!
(Though I do know lockdown is hard...but still 🤯)

That's good that hubby knows what she is like. Could see her being the sort that would try start drama now. Hope you and him get a good laugh today at the cheeky cfs expense now at least.

Oh I can’t get over the cheek of her.
Clearly woke up like shit I don’t have enough left for DC’s trip, I’ll guilt SIL to pay for some of our wine yesterday.

She has drama written all over her. Avoid avoid avoid

In all fairness, her friends may know nothing of this. Sounds like she is just working the con herself to get money. Otherwise she would have said something last night. Her pal may be just as mortified to know she was doing this. And I bet if youd offered to split the bill now, the pal wouldnt have seen any of the money back tbf.

Sorry to read this OP. It sucks that they treated you like this. Your responses are dignified, she & her friend are users & not very nice people.

This sort of thing happens so often doesn't it? It happens to my mum a lot because she doesn't drink alcohol and has a small appetite so at most she has a main course dessert and soft drink. However, she doesn't take any messing and is clear she's not subsidising other peoples' drinks. Even when we go out together as an extended family we pay for the drinks even if she offers to treat us to the food.

If you have wine (or other alcohol) you don't expect other people to share the cost unless they are sharing the drinking of it!

Anyone who does this is unreasonable and cheeky (and there are a few MNers who think that way, though they may have slunk away from this thread as the replies are unanimous).

As a person with multiple toxic family members I would like to use this as a cautionary tale for people who marry into such families. When your spouse avoids a family member, follow their lead.

Don't fall into the inadvertent victim blaming trap of thinking it will be different for you because of how you will interact better with the Person To Be Avoided. It ends like this. The poison comes out and it hurts you.

@whatever1980

I'm sure she does like to split the bill equally if she is a steak and bottle of wine person!

Yep, the people I know who push for bill splitting are the type to order a burger with four extra toppings at £1 a pop, plus upgrade to the sweet potato fries, extra side, expensive cocktails, etc while everyone else has pasta.

It tends to be greedy people who want their choices to be subsidised.

Oh OP I feel so bad for you; she has treated you horribly.

Also, I've never heard of anybody paying for their own food but splitting the alcohol? It's either all or nothing. But either way, she's a cheeky cow, that's been established.

I absolutely agree you do not owe that money, of course you don't. However, if you can afford £10, I'd be tempted to say something like "Ah I see. Sorry, I didn't drink any of the wine so I wasn't sure why you were asking me to pay for it. I understand now that you are charging me to tag along with you? Ok, pop along and get your £10. Don't think I'll be signing up for that again though!"

I would happily pay the 10 quid to see if she has the brass neck to actually turn up for it, and if she invites you out again just laugh and say "no, it's ok thanks, I don't usually pay to hang out with people!"

But the above only works if you have £10 you can afford to give her and are inclined to embarrass her in this way. Although from what you say, that may not even embarrass her. She sounds awful, just distance yourself.

It must be hard being away from family, but you will meet other people. Be cheery and polite but keep away from her.

How many units did each person consume? Who was designated as main carer(as a pissed person cant do it) Who was driving?

She's a cunt. A cheeky fucker of one too. You've been way more polite than I would have been in this situation. I would've gone with "eating steak&chips and drinking volumes of wine is neglectful when it means you can't afford your children's school trips you horrible bitch".
You are the better person here. I'm sorry you're going through a tough year. It's hard when you're away from family.

Unreasonable, would have been OK to agree splitting the bill in advance but not later.

SILs lack of money management is not your issue.

I prioritised going out and getting pissed above my child's needs.

There is a big ongoing issue right now whereby families are struggling to provide enough food for their children. A great many of them have suffered desperately financially, lost income, lost businesses; through no fault of their own this horrible year.

She, however, is among the minority who are very reason why MPs, the tabloids, the privileged and others feel justified in condemning ALL parents who 'claim they need money to feed their kids, but just want it to spend on booze'. Shameful.

It sounds like she had set a strict budget for what she was going to consume and spend, so as to have enough money left for the trip, but she was not allowing you the same courtesy of managing your own consumption and spending - as she'd already pre-spent a good amount of your money on herself.

If you don't want your DNs to miss out because of their mother's neglect and selfishness - if indeed there is a school trip that costs a tenner - you could always offer to pay the school direct as 'Auntie's special present' and then give an envelope (payment by cheque, ideally - especially if you have a different surname from her) directly to the school: "This is payment for DNs' trip - their mum has been having issues understanding budgeting, but I didn't want them to have to miss out". You're not outright shaming or blaming her in any way, but it might make her think twice if the school get in touch sensitively offering her help with a referral to money management advisors.

Her & her friend have obviously been bitching about you not splitting the bill - knowing full well you don’t drink wine.
I would never go out for a meal with her again and not respond to any more messages, sil or not.

@fairydust11

Her & her friend have obviously been bitching about you not splitting the bill - knowing full well you don’t drink wine. I would never go out for a meal with her again and not respond to any more messages, sil or not.

We don't know the friend is in any way involved. The SIL might just be saying the friend said it to cover herself, or as a way to "prove her point".

That's a horrible thing to say that they only asked you to be nice, I'm sure you'd have preferred them not to invite you if they expected you to subsidise their drinking and then send you horrible messages.

If I'm out with friends we tend to guzzle wine and usually do wine rounds to avoid any not drinking wine having to pay more, if anything the person having one WKD would get it bought for them.

Your SIL sounds incredibly childish informing you that her friend likes you even without the but.

I'd give the friend the benefit of the doubt, this is on your SIL, she's the one passing on silly messages, as others have said, she might be making it up anyway.

SengaMac

Sadhoot

Ah, x-post.

Reply "ah I didn't realise that was the etiquette - we can share the wine and cost next time smile"

Why would you do that?
SiL & friend are being chancers.

Yes, I know.

I would say that to keep the peace and avoid paying because I hate confrontation. Because she can only reply with something along the lines of "no I want you to pay for the wine you didn't drink this time."

I'd also be unavailable for all future dinners and get togethers.

However, the thread has moved on from my response and it's evident that SIL is a massive cheeky sponger.

‘We were just being nice inviting you out with us. Just thought you’d be kind and share. Never mind, but now I’m a bit skint. Can you lend me £10 until tomorrow? Need cash for a school trip that needs to be in after school today latest 🙏’

Translation:

We invited you so we could have a good evening out and get you to pay towards our bill. Because you didn't pay for us like I was expecting I've not left enough money to pay for my kids trip. So I need you to pay that."

That’s ridiculous. What a CF.

It’s her fault that she had a bottle of wine to drink instead of thinking about her daughter! She can borrow the £10 from someone else.

You really shouldn’t have said sorry, either. You’re not in the wrong at all!

That’s an awful response from your sil - sorry OP I’m sure you’re upset but she’s really not worth the bother.

Draw a line abs find other friends.

Omg! I just read the update. Stop responding to her.
What a bitch.
I would rather have no friends than spend time with her.
You need to realise she isn’t your friend. I would completely distance myself and not respond to her again.

So she prioritised buying wine over keeping the £10 for the school trip (don't believe the money is for that either) but it's your fault for not paying for that?

She's a chancer and not a very nice friend/SiL

She basically spent money she didn't have and now wants to shame you into paying.

My guess is that she got the friend to pay as she didn't have enough and now owes friend. She's bleated to friend that she thought it would be split 3 ways and that's why she is short, twisted the story and then come to you.

She's a cheeky twat.

I like your reply apart from you shouldn't have said sorry.
Ignore the silly moo if she sends any more texts, and obviously don't go out with her again.