Who is really unreasonable here? I’ve been made out to be awful

[WendyToba]

I went out to dinner yesterday with SIL, her two DC, my DC and a friend of hers.

It was just a Beefeater type of place so nothing fancy. DC was asleep by the time as got there for 6 so didn’t eat anything. I had a olives, plate of chicken nuggets, chips, a coke and a WKD. For desert I had a cheesecake.

SIL and her friend had a steak each with chips, few bottles of wine between them. No desert. SIL’s DC had a kids meal each with a drink, and a desert which was separate fo the child’s one that came with the meal, as they wanted something else.

I did a total in my head for my food to have been about £21/22, so put £25 down in cash. There was no discussion of splitting the bill, the others just paid their own by card.

Received a text this morning from SIL that said her friend really likes her but they both wondered why I didn’t offer to split all of the alcohol together? So my WKD, their bottle of wines and then split that between us. Pay for our own food. I replied because my WKD was cheap? She said why do I think that?

What on earth do I reply? She’s just said that via text. I think it’s a bit off... isn’t it?

Did you actually cover the full cost of what you had, food and drink wise and put enough for tip too? It sounds like you estimated your food but didn't include your drink in the estimate? If your food was £22, your drink possibly £5, I would expect you to put in about £30. But yeah, expecting you to subsidise their wine drinking is a bit rich!

O and the coke you had too? Maybe I've missed extra information but your opening post makes it look like just made an estimate for your food, not drinks.

This is why my friend and myself who roughly eat and drink the same stick together when we go out with drinking friends. They know we do this so no misunderstanding at the end of the night. We just pay for what we consume.

Can you link her to a money advice service and AA now you have been told that she spent her last £10, needed for her child's school trip, on alcohol?

@Dugsbollox

She can't afford her child's trip because she chose to go out for dinner and tank a bottle of wine.

Her choices, her problem.

Quite. If £10 was hard to come by then I wouldn’t be going out and buying bottles of wine.

Their bills must have been £15 each for the bottle and yours less than £5? So even if you'd all (unfairly) shared this bill, then you'd have only saved £3. So she'd still be £7 plus short.

I'm guessing their bottles cost considerably more than that and the amount they were expecting OP to sub them much more than a tenner, but the sister felt affronted and so asked for whatever she thought she could get away with - or whatever the cost of her next fix would be, if she is the alcoholic that she sounds.

As I understand it, sister only linked the circumstances of being unable to pay for the school trip because she'd ended up having to pay for her own booze the day before - she didn't say that the amount of the sub she was counting on from OP was exactly the same as the cost of the trip.

She wants you to 'share' your money with her!? What a dick!

Sharing is fine, next time you put the two bottles of wine in your bag and share the WKD between the two of them!

In my experience it's ALWAYS the people who have the alcohol and expensive food that make a fuss about wanting to share the bill.

Same. Then they try to shame the other into paying way more for their own meal..by saying not splitting the bill equally is selfish! When really, its obvious the ones going overboard on drinks and expensive foods, then expecting someone who had a salad and a coke to subsidize their indulgence that are the selfish ones.

I don't know how they get the gall tbh.

I like to drink wine when I go out for a meal with friends, but I would be mortified at the idea of my friends subsidising it. If I buy wine, I expect to pay for it myself, it's expensive in restaurants after all.

Just tell her if you had shared their wine, that would be understandable. But you didn't, so the fairest thing was to pay for your own. Why would you sub their two bottles of wine, she is being unreasonable and trying to get some money off her drinking choice. Sneaky and not honest.

In our group of friends there are some who don't drink. As we usually share food/have similar, we remove the booze from the bill and split the food and then those of us who have had a drink split that. It's not rocket science! She's a CF chancer.

This is gob smackingly cheeky. If she needed money for a school activity, she should have kept off the wine and steak.

We used to split bills but, as I usually chose not to drink, I was always considerably out of pocket. Yet if I have an extra child or my child had an adult meal and others didn't, I would insist on paying the extra myself.

New friend started totting up the bill (unless everyone had genuinely had the same). At first I found it a bit odd but, actually, it's great. You only pay for what you've consumed. No guilt if you've splurged as your friends aren't subsidising you and no subsidising people who might have spent a lot more than you. Also means people who are on a budget feel able to come out as they can manage how much they choose to spend.

OP where have you gone?? Has there been contact?

Hate this situation. When me and my husband were much,much younger, a couple asked us to a birthday meal at a pub. My husband was a student and I had a really crap,low paid job at the time. We couldn't really afford it but they were really keen for us to go. We both had the cheapest possible things on the menu as the evening would take a chunk of our weekly food bill. The rest of the group, including family and their kids, were having starters,steaks,puddings and copious bottles of wine. At the end,they wanted to split the bill. We had to apologetically say we could only pay for our own. Mortifying! Wont make that mistake again. Have learnt to say from the outset now. In our defense, they knew we were skint and could see we weren't having much, but still expected it and were really put out when we said we couldnt. Sadly our friendship didn't continue.

@Hmm1234 You are one of those that eats and drinks on other people's expense! What a nasty piece of work you are!

At the end,they wanted to split the bill. We had to apologetically say we could only pay for our own. Mortifying! Wont make that mistake again. Have learnt to say from the outset now. In our defense, they knew we were skint and could see we weren't having much, but still expected it and were really put out when we said we couldnt.

See, I know you're telling it exactly how it was for you (and is for many others), but this is what I really don't get:
Scenario 1: Somebody suggests splitting, those eating and drinking to a tight budget say they can only afford to pay for their own, splitting suggester says "Ah, yes - we have pushed the boat out much more than you, haven't we; yes, that's only fair that we each pay for our own, then." All great and amicable.
Scenario 2: Somebody suggests splitting, those eating and drinking to a tight budget say they can only afford to pay for their own, splitting suggester makes it clear (in slightly different words) that "Yes, we know you had far less, but we're brazenly telling you that you must pay extra to subsidise our extravagance, so that we can underpay. This was our plan all along and still is". And then, it's the budget eaters who feel mortified and not the greedy ones who are demanding free money off them!?!?!?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

At the end,they wanted to split the bill. We had to apologetically say we could only pay for our own. Mortifying! Wont make that mistake again. Have learnt to say from the outset now. In our defense, they knew we were skint and could see we weren't having much, but still expected it and were really put out when we said we couldnt.

See, I know you're telling it exactly how it was for you (and is for many others), but this is what I really don't get:
Scenario 1: Somebody suggests splitting, those eating and drinking to a tight budget say they can only afford to pay for their own, splitting suggester says "Ah, yes - we have pushed the boat out much more than you, haven't we; yes, that's only fair that we each pay for our own, then." All great and amicable.
Scenario 2: Somebody suggests splitting, those eating and drinking to a tight budget say they can only afford to pay for their own, splitting suggester makes it clear (in slightly different words) that "Yes, we know you had far less, but we're brazenly telling you that you must pay extra to subsidise our extravagance, so that we can underpay. This was our plan all along and still is". And then, it's the budget eaters who feel mortified and not the greedy ones who are demanding free money off them!?!?!?

Friends and I had a meal like this once. Some people had alcohol and several courses, and expensive choices, others no alcohol, and much cheaper food courses. One had a huge amount of food.

The bill came and a split was suggested. One person said hang on, and said what little theyd had and said what their total actually was. Significant difference. Most people straight away said goodness yes thats not fair, we’ll pay for our own.

One person had been nothing short of greedy. Their bill was now significantly more as they were paying for everything they’d actually had. They started complaining and got really moody, and stayed complaining and moody until we left! Saying they wouldnt have ordered and had so much if they knew they would have to pay for it themselves. Over and over. They were furious and then ‘upset’ about paying for their own as it was so much. Literally no awareness at all that it was them that made everyone else’s bill significantly more expensive if we had split the bill.

Happened to me when I was on a really tight budget. A close friend invited me out for a meal with her other friends and convinced me to go with her, knowing that I was on a very limited budget and telling me it would be fun. I only had enough money for a small starter and tap water so my food and drink came to about £6-7. Everyone else was drinking and had 3 to 4 courses each as they were all working in the city and earning well.

When the bill came they simply divided it by 10 (there were 10 of us including me) and asked for almost £50 per person to cover the bill and a tip. I only had £10 in cash with me and nothing in the bank to spare so I waited for me friend to say...make it between 9 bc Hurt didnt have much at all and it wouldn't be fair.

She said nothing and so I had to say that my share was only £7 & I'm sorry but I couldn't afford to subsidise any one else's meal or drinks.

It was mortifying and they all looked at me like I was a cheapskate, including my (ex) friend who said that I'd embarrassed her.

I hate bill splitting as usually someone is left out of pocket. I'd much rather each pay for their own....although it's fine at a set menu place to split the food and then just do drinks separately. It's also fine if everyone is having roughly the same.

One person had been nothing short of greedy. Their bill was now significantly more as they were paying for everything they’d actually had. They started complaining and got really moody, and stayed complaining and moody until we left! Saying they wouldnt have ordered and had so much if they knew they would have to pay for it themselves. Over and over. They were furious and then ‘upset’ about paying for their own as it was so much. Literally no awareness at all that it was them that made everyone else’s bill significantly more expensive if we had split the bill.

Incredible, isn't it - and yet these people are not the ones who end up feeling mortified! They seem to have the logic, self-awareness and liability to throw tantrums of a 3yo who has stuffed their own bag of sweets straight down and angrily screams at mummy that their more self-controlled sibling is being selfish and unfair for not sharing theirs - and genuinely believe they are the one in the right.

I hate bill splitting as usually someone is left out of pocket.

It makes sense where, otherwise, you'd have one person paying £19.70, another paying £20.30 and another paying £20.95 and nobody can be bothered to faff with calculators for the sake of £1 or less, which will probably be less than the tip anyway.

Of course, it very rarely works that way, as people have different appetites, different financial circumstances and like different things. Added to that the CFs who didn't just want the lobster and champagne as it's their favourite and a special occasion, but deliberately chose it to get their maximum 'money's worth' - and are not just hopeful of scoring a subbie, but actually do not have enough money to pay for their own without it. I always like to have a big blow out an extra half-slice of bread and butter if I'm eating out, as it's a rare treat and somebody else is cooking it and doing the washing up - but I'd feel far too guilty to accept if somebody else suggested just splitting and would insist on paying my way (or at least putting in extra to lower the total before it was split).

Sometimes (as long as you could afford it yourself), I think it would be immense fun to match the freeloader and order the exact same as (or slightly dearer than) they do throughout the meal, just to see the panic on their faces when they realise that they're out of their depth and, even with a split, will end up paying for their own or even more - for which they haven't budgeted. It's not like they can tell you off for being greedy or spending too much by matching them, is it?!

Whenever I watch The Chase and the person in the last seat is urging (even pressuring/shaming/goading) the other three to go for the high offer, before then going for the minus amount on their turn ("I just think it's more important at this stage to have as many people as possible for the final chase"), I always think: THAT, my friend, is the same person who gorges and boozes hard in the restaurant whilst the others have pasta and tap water and then demands that it's only fair to split equally.

@Hurtandupset2, wow they sound like a charming bunch of people....imagine being so self-absorbed you could be eating 3 or 4 courses and not notice that someone in your party was only having a starter and water...and if you did notice not to question why that might be, or not to have the generosity to be willing do something about it.
What a horrible experience for you and a sad way to find out your "friend" wasn't much of one after all.

My response would have been something along these lines -

"Sharing? Sharing would imply we share a drink - we didn't. What you are implying is that you invited me out in the hope I would pay towards you and your friends drinks, which you had a lot more of than me.
If you knew you'd be skint, you shouldn't have bought as much as you did. It's not my place to cover your child's trip because you spent the money on wine, that you for some Reason expected me to pay for - even when I didn't drink any of it!
You clearly invited me out of pity or to get something out of me - either way you've upset me and I wouldn't be asking me for favours in the beat future"

She was harsh - put her in her place OP. ❤️

I hate going to dinner with people who work out how much they owe - except when alcohol is involved. Personally I would have taken the booze off and split the rest of the bill evenly and then they go halves on the wine. Only paying for your own food and not splitting the food bill is a bit petty though

I think your responses were spot on. They were basically expecting you to subsidise their wine and then felt a bit pissed off that they'd spent more than they planned to. Not your problem.