Who is really unreasonable here? I’ve been made out to be awful

[WendyToba]

I went out to dinner yesterday with SIL, her two DC, my DC and a friend of hers.

It was just a Beefeater type of place so nothing fancy. DC was asleep by the time as got there for 6 so didn’t eat anything. I had a olives, plate of chicken nuggets, chips, a coke and a WKD. For desert I had a cheesecake.

SIL and her friend had a steak each with chips, few bottles of wine between them. No desert. SIL’s DC had a kids meal each with a drink, and a desert which was separate fo the child’s one that came with the meal, as they wanted something else.

I did a total in my head for my food to have been about £21/22, so put £25 down in cash. There was no discussion of splitting the bill, the others just paid their own by card.

Received a text this morning from SIL that said her friend really likes her but they both wondered why I didn’t offer to split all of the alcohol together? So my WKD, their bottle of wines and then split that between us. Pay for our own food. I replied because my WKD was cheap? She said why do I think that?

What on earth do I reply? She’s just said that via text. I think it’s a bit off... isn’t it?

So essentially she wanted you to pay a fee for them "letting" you eat out with them......!!!!

Tough shit. Just ignore it.

God OP that's a hideous reply from her. So she basically wanted a night out she couldn't afford and funded by you. And you should be grateful for your pity invite and fund her today instead.

Wow.

I would tell her her reply is extremely hurtful and no you will not be lending her any money.

Seriously you need to point out she isn't asking you to share. She's asking you to subsidise their order and you'd like to know what exactly they shared with you or whether she is saying you should have paid them for the honour of their company

Honestly she's showing her CF side here!

If you lend her that tenner you can kiss it goodbye.
She's basically just told you they only invited you because they expected you to subsidise them!

@WendyToba

The reply is a harsh one.

She said ‘We were just being nice inviting you out with us. Just thought you’d be kind and share. Never mind, but now I’m a bit skint. Can you lend me £10 until tomorrow? Need cash for a school trip that needs to be in after school today latest 🙏’

I’m really upset to read that. She knows I’m a bit lonely here. My own family are 70 miles away and I moved here as it’s H’s hometown. I thought I’d been included. Clearly I’m just an ATM. Awful as I’m just so lonely especially during COVID crisis

Wow how nasty of her.

Say - "so you only invited me out so I could susidise your meal? I wouldn't call that "nice" ..........to be fair"

Well she’s shown you who she is. She went out, ordered steak n wine thinking you’d be paying. And invited her friend to do the same to you. I wouldn’t give her money , because i believe it would be giving not lending, unless you want to. Although if you do she will ask again and again. It’s tough for you right now op, but you’ll make other friends ignore the CF sil

a) rude as fuck and b) you realise that loan of £10 is her way of getting you to contribute to their mail? You'll not see it back.

Yeah her response is pretty telling. I’m clearly not a friend to her, although I was falsely lead into a false sense of security before with her. But it seems at the time I was just subsiding her as I did borrow her money, but she did give it back when she said she would.

I think I’ve been desperate for company and I’ve been made to look ridiculous now. It’s been a really difficult year for me, I know it has for everyone

@WendyToba

Okay, so I replied saying WKD is cheap. Wine isn’t and I only had 1 WKD. She replied straight away with ‘sharing is just what we do around here to be fair’

Oh fuck that. As soon as someone says "to be fair" my hackles go up and I'm ready to dispute whatever it is that is clearly going to be an unreasonable point. You were absolutely right not to split the cost of their drinking. I had friends like this when I was early 20s. I was always designated driver by choice as I was saving every penny I could for a house deposit. They continually insisted the bill to be split on top of a free lift, I let this go on for longer than I care to admit (years). Funny how they weren't so keen to do so once free lifts stopped and they had to pay for taxis as well as/instead of their drinking.

So she went out for dinner and booze when she was short of cash? Bollocks.

Personally I always expect/am happy to split equally, but that’s because I have a fair bit of disposable income. I would always be fine with someone wanting to pay just their own stuff.

I would not go out for dinner if it meant I could pay for things for my children. She sounds like an arse.

Bloody hell...that last reply I s beyond the pale.

I’d be responding with:

I’m not available to fund your wine habit, nor am I available to find your children’s school trips because you decided to prioritise your wine habit.’

Oh fuck no. She cannot have £10. She has just revealed that she ate and drank her school trip money in the expectation that you would subsidise her meal. Fuck off!!!

I would reply with the laughing emoji then mute her.

That level of rude does not require a polite response.

Well the simple answer to that is no isn’t it. I guess she’s shown her true colours and hasn’t tried to hide them. So she has that in her favour. She invited you, got lashed on booze assuming you’d pay a third of the bill and is now lashing out at you that’s shes skint.

My text back would read, ‘ah sorry to hear that. I didn’t realise you were hoping I’d subsidise your drinking, you should have been clearer on the night. Unfortunately I spent my last tenner on a meal out with some piss taking alcoholics, otherwise it would be all yours’.

I’d be fascinated where the school is planning to take the kids? The Range perhaps 🤔

I'd reply with what a pp suggested "so you only invited me out so I could susidise your meal? I wouldn't call that "nice" ..........to be fair"

I would definitely call her out on her behaviour; she obviously doesn't respect you and think she has the upper hand and right to speak to you like that. I would definitely nip that in the bud, nicely, but assertively so that you aren't walked all over in the future.

Cheeky bitch!

I’d be tempted to reply ‘you weren’t being nice inviting me out clearly, you were taking the piss thinking you could use me as an ATM, you didn’t think I’d be kind you thought I’d be a mug you could use to subsidise your drink habit. Well think again. I’ll give you the tenner for the school trip only because I don’t think it’s fair for poor nephew/ niece to go without because their mum was more bothered about her wine and steak than them. Maybe next time stop after the second bottle then you can afford to take care of your own kids?

I mean it’s more sensible just not to reply but that’s what I’d want to say.

Although to be fair someone is lying because I’m pretty sure no school trips are running at
the moment?

What does your husband say? Let him deal with it it’s his sister.

I wpuld ignore her now WendyToba

But a small part of me wants you to reply
"That is really hurtful. You only invited me so I would pay for part of your meal.
Thats really unkind. I'm not sure why you'd think I'd loan you £10 now"

@WendyToba

Yeah her response is pretty telling. I’m clearly not a friend to her, although I was falsely lead into a false sense of security before with her. But it seems at the time I was just subsiding her as I did borrow her money, but she did give it back when she said she would.

I think I’ve been desperate for company and I’ve been made to look ridiculous now. It’s been a really difficult year for me, I know it has for everyone

It is a difficult time to move to a new area and try to meet new people but this will pass and you will meet people, don't drop your standards in the mean time. She is your DHs sister yeah? Have you shown him the messages? What does he think about it?

You do NOT look ridiculous.

She looks ridiculous.

Sounds like you need to put more effort into building a friend network to get you through these times. All times tbh.

I have responded with ‘I can’t borrow anything at the moment. I’m really sorry, but this isn’t right. You’ve taken the piss out of me by saying what you’ve said. If there’s a next time, I will be very clear that I’ll pay my own and that’s it, to avoid confusion’.

Another reason to ask for separate bills which a lot of restaurants will do. So many of us have been caught out this way. I went to a friend's birthday supper in a restaurant years ago when I was not earning much at all, so I kept to a plate of pasta and water. Friend's friends went large on 3 courses and wines. They wanted £90 off me. I was a fool not to have checked what the arrangement was, of course. When I demurred I was told I was spoiling the friend's birthday so I paid up. Possibly the most expensive pasta ever!

Cheeky fucker!!! Please don't give her the money! Say 'I'm skint too sorry, that's why I had nuggets and chips instead of steak and wine'.

"We were just being nice to invite you" followed by a request for money!??

I'd respond "I was just being nice to come along, no need to invite me next time!"

Just in case anyone missed it, the trip is a nature trail. They do them quite often at the school. I don’t exactly know why it’s £10 when it sounds like a free thing, but I’m no judge since I don’t have a school aged DC

DH doesn’t speak to her much anymore as he thinks she’s embarrassing and ‘really quite rude’

What does your husband say about this (presuming that’s his sister?)

She's basically just told you they only invited you because they expected you to subsidise them!

Yes, exactly this.

I would reply that you can't help unfortuanately as you went out to eat yesterday, which you wouldn't have done if you'd known you needed to budget for lending her a tenner.

She sounds like a proper cow. Sorry you've had a lonely time.