Who is really unreasonable here? I’ve been made out to be awful

[WendyToba]

I went out to dinner yesterday with SIL, her two DC, my DC and a friend of hers.

It was just a Beefeater type of place so nothing fancy. DC was asleep by the time as got there for 6 so didn’t eat anything. I had a olives, plate of chicken nuggets, chips, a coke and a WKD. For desert I had a cheesecake.

SIL and her friend had a steak each with chips, few bottles of wine between them. No desert. SIL’s DC had a kids meal each with a drink, and a desert which was separate fo the child’s one that came with the meal, as they wanted something else.

I did a total in my head for my food to have been about £21/22, so put £25 down in cash. There was no discussion of splitting the bill, the others just paid their own by card.

Received a text this morning from SIL that said her friend really likes her but they both wondered why I didn’t offer to split all of the alcohol together? So my WKD, their bottle of wines and then split that between us. Pay for our own food. I replied because my WKD was cheap? She said why do I think that?

What on earth do I reply? She’s just said that via text. I think it’s a bit off... isn’t it?

She can't afford her child's trip because she chose to go out for dinner and tank a bottle of wine.

Her choices, her problem.

Is your SIL an alcoholic?

'You didn't share your wine, I didnt share my money. Will I be allowed to share the nature trip for a tenner? Be kind now'.

Sorry, but you've been a bit of a wet lettuce here. Plus £25 for some chicken nuggets? Just go to Maccies next time.. .

Oh sorry, xposted.

@SpeccyLime

She is being really cheeky. I would just reply really factually, something like ‘my one WKD was £4 whereas each bottle of wine was £15 so it obviously wouldn’t have been fair to split it equally’ and leave it at that.

Just do this and have done with it.

If she takes offence or falls out with you over it, so be it.

She is behaving like a knob.

She's not being nice at all, so why should you keep being polite and trying to keep the peace. I'd reply, "So you really wanted me to subsidise your drink when I didn't have any? Sharing doesn't mean me having none of your wine and then sharing the cost, sharing would be sharing the drink. I really don't understand what you mean by sharing" And ignore the request for money. She shouldn't have been out drinking wine and ordering steak if she couldn't afford the money for school.

It's a really lonely time- I've just moved and have no way of making friends due to lockdown and it sucks. But I'd just leave this friendship - she sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Brum I had a WKD, cheesecake and olives too

I would reply

Gosh I didn't know I needed to pay for your company, thanks for.letting me know. I will give it a miss next time x

I'm sure there are less Granby people out there that you could spend you time with x

She is probably the cheekiest bitch I’ve heard of. Completely ignore.

I hope you show your DH the messages!

Cheeky Fuckery at play here

Huh...oh, cannot *lend you any money. Borrow would be you taking from her.

But yeh, fuck her.
Think I'd block her too tbh.

Sounds to me like your SIL wanted to keep up with/impress her friend (ordering similar meals, sharing wine etc) despite not really being able to afford it and now she's trying to guilt you in to giving her money towards it. If she keeps on with these messages I'd say something like 'I've not got loads of money at the moment either, that's why I chose a cheap meal and just 1 drink. I assumed you would have done the same if you couldn't afford steak and wine. I will lend you the cash for the DC trip but I'll have to cut back on other expenditure to do that so I will need it back.''

@WendyToba

Just in case anyone missed it, the trip is a nature trail. They do them quite often at the school. I don’t exactly know why it’s £10 when it sounds like a free thing, but I’m no judge since I don’t have a school aged DC

DH doesn’t speak to her much anymore as he thinks she’s embarrassing and ‘really quite rude’

Well looks like your DHs assessment of her character is spot on, you really don't need people like her in your life!

My text back would read, ‘ah sorry to hear that. I didn’t realise you were hoping I’d subsidise your drinking, you should have been clearer on the night. Unfortunately I spent my last tenner on a meal out with some piss taking alcoholics, otherwise it would be all yours

Oh OP I’ve just seen you’ve replied already but I so wish you’d sent that

Well done for standing up for yourself though.

It’s a tough year and moving away from your own support network can’t have helped. Can you give some friends/ a relative from home a call to laugh at your cheeky cow of a SIL and tell them that you’re feeling a bit down, it’s not the same as an in person meet but might just give you a bit of a boost.

What has your husband said about his sisters behaviour?

What a cheek. She shouldn't have ordered so much alcohol and budgeted for the school trip, yanbu

@Xiaoxiong

"We were just being nice to invite you" followed by a request for money!??

I'd respond "I was just being nice to come along, no need to invite me next time!"

Brilliant!

And well done, OP, for standing up to her emotional blackmail/ manipulation. That sort of thing really annoys me.

DH doesn’t speak to her much anymore as he thinks she’s embarrassing and ‘really quite rude

Her own brother doesn't speak to her and thinks she's rude! Says it all! Take your DH's approach. Don't feel down, she was no friend of yours!

Shame that you told her that you're really sorry imo.

You paid for what you ate/drank.

It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever see a problem in that!

How fucking cheeky is she! So basically she is admitting that she planned for you to subsidise her steak / wine as she's saying she can't afford a school trip because you only paid for your own food and drink??? Would she have had something cheaper to eat and drink if you hadn't gone, therefore she wouldn't be asking to borrow money for a school trip? Please don't give her the £10 as she will just think that is your share that she expected you to be paying as extra towards the meal.

I've been caught out by a few of these cheeky fuckers myself and have often just had to bite my tongue and pay the extra £30 or whatever to subsidise someone's scallops / fillet steak / cocktails as I haven't wanted to look like a tight arse or cause an argument at someone's birthday meal etc. so good on you for sticking to your guns.

And I would reply: “If you regularly pay for full bottles of wine you didn’t drink, that’s probably why you don’t have a tenner to pay for your child’s school trip. But you’re happy to give me a guilt trip, because that’s free, isn’t it? Now piss off, you tight cow.”

@Sadhoot

Ah, x-post.

Reply "ah I didn't realise that was the etiquette - we can share the wine and cost next time :)"

Why would you do that? SiL & friend are being chancers.

So she's bleating on about being "fair" but she's expecting you to pay well over the odds for what you had. I guess she's only looking for it to be fair if it works in her favour.

She obviously went out and indulged so much because she expected you to foot a third of the bill. Verdict: outrageous CF.

Your SIL sounds incredibly rude. If she was short for her DC's trip then she shouldn't have necked down the wine

I'm sure she does like to split the bill equally if she is a steak and bottle of wine person!

Oh dear. Your sil has demonstrated very poor manners and clearly doesn’t understand what the work sharing means.

But I think you could have handled it with more grace. I do mean stand your ground, but say something along the lines of as the alcohol bill was only high because of the wine, I felt it would be fairer that we each just pay our own share.Then leave it at that. Don’t engage. Don’t respond. She doesn’t sound the most intelligent so why waste time trying to explain this to her further.

Arguments by text message never end well.

Don’t socialise with this friend of her again.

I am sorry you are having a hard time and your sister in law is so rude