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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 18:37

There are comments about me isolating away by myself in my own home - should I let them lock the door from the outside???

That is not what I mean.
If you have a bedroom with en-suite, I meant that you could spend most of your time in that room. Your h could sleep in another room and bring food and drink up for you. When sd left he could clean the areas that she used.
I didn't mean you should be locked up Hmm Just stay in a room that is out of bounds for sd so you don't catch COVID from her if she had it. You could go out or whatever but have a space that is sd free

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 18:46

I'm worried sick and really upset that my DH can't ALSO consider my feelings along with those of his daughter.

What is the solution here? Your h would probably say that you needed to consider his feelings (he wants to see sd) and her feelings (she wants to see her Dad)
In 4 weeks time she'll be behaving the same and still at school. Did I miss why you didn't want her to visit for 4 weeks but you'd be ok in December?
Yanbu to want to avoid catching Covid but considering that he could be incubating it for 14 days after her visit, her not visiting for 4 weeks isn't a long term solution

SarahBellam · 04/11/2020 18:47

MILs are adults. Your DSD is not. She could be riding round the countryside which is perfectly legal as she’s 16. As she is under 18 She is legally entitled to stay with her father. You might want to consider self isolating while she is at your house if you have health anxieties.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 04/11/2020 18:49

What has the arrangement been recently? She comes and stays for 3 nights eow to see her Dad and you go and stay with friends? Do you stay away every single time she comes over to stay?

switswooo · 04/11/2020 19:00

I think OP has turned this into a test to prove whether her H loves her or not. Ironically, very teenagey behaviour.

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2020 19:02

OP I would post threads like this in Step Parenting in future. In AIBU the replies basically say

"It's very obvious you are cruel to your step child and hate their guts.

Disgusting really.

Says more about you than poor SC.

Vile."

regardless of the specifics. There is always an added level of nastiness and sticking the boot in that doesn't happen so much elsewhere.

OwlBeThere · 04/11/2020 19:11

@TheHomelands2020 I am a stepmother, to a monumentally difficult child, who has over the years terrorised his siblings, caused me no end of grief and at times I wished he would disappear.
But the point is, regardless of all that, he is my (then) husbands child, and as such my feelings didn’t matter really. I chose to marry a man who already had a child. That child had no choice. So I’m afraid you have to suck it up and find a way to do this.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2020 19:21

OP, I understand where you are coming from in terms of your exposure and the risks your DSD poses.
However, covid is not going away. Numbers will decrease with lockdown but once lockdown is over, the numbers will increase again and this will be ongoing until the cold and flu season is over (and numbers improve) and/or we have a vaccine.
My point is-you are going to have to manage the risk and your exposure to your DSD. If you truly fear for your health, you need to move out or DH needs to establish a residence elsewhere because there is no way your DH can not see his daughter indefinitely.
It's shit-it truly is. The are no winners in this pandemic.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2020 19:21

*there are no

Darkstar4855 · 04/11/2020 19:30

If your step daughter is already visiting regularly then why does lockdown make a difference? What has changed? Surely there’s actually less risk in her coming over now because some of her social activities will have been curtailed by lockdown so there’s less chance of her catching it and bringing it home!

Nanny0gg · 04/11/2020 19:33

[quote TheHomelands2020]@ThePinkPlunger please read my post to explain why I mentioned her sexual activity. I can't be the only adult on the planet to think a just 16 year old shouldn't be shouting from the roof tops about her sexual activity, or maybe I'm just a prude.

This post is not about her sexual activity, I mentioned that to highlight that she's not very careful in her personal life, her work life or her home life about taking precuations to prevent Covid.[/quote]
I agree with you, but best course is to unfollow her on SM

Cloverforever · 04/11/2020 19:46

@Darkstar4855

If your step daughter is already visiting regularly then why does lockdown make a difference? What has changed? Surely there’s actually less risk in her coming over now because some of her social activities will have been curtailed by lockdown so there’s less chance of her catching it and bringing it home!
I think OP is using lockdown2 as an excuse for her SD not to come over, pure and simple.
TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 04/11/2020 20:32

I wouldn't like it, either. (Tbh, from the little I've read about her, I probably wouldn't like her.)

The problem is that you're married to her father, and you'll have to convince him. I don't think it would be the end of the world for her to not visit him in his home for a month, but if your husband doesn't agree, you'll just have to find a way to live with it.

Besides, even if he goes and sees her elsewhere, he'll still run the risk of catching it and passing it on to you afterwards. There's only so much you can do, short of forbidding all contact with the outside world.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/11/2020 07:13

You say that people responses would be different but it was your MIL but similarly, your attitude would likely be different if it was your 16 to DD who happenedd to live with her dad.

You have little to do with her so all you need to do is keep two metres away from her during your stay. Wash your hands even more often. You'll be fine.

Elizaaa · 05/11/2020 07:43

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flaviaritt · 05/11/2020 08:07

She's still a child so shouldn't be posting what could possibly be child porn. Who is to say the bf isn't forcing her to do it? If he isn't then maybe the school could run some self esteem programmes, at least.

Or maybe the parents could, you know, parent her? Imagine telling the school about your own failure to meet your household responsibilities.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2020 09:23

You should not have married this man if you did not consider his dd part of your family unit. You say she is acting like an adult, ergo should be treated as such. It sounds to me as though you are acting like a child by competing against her and becoming territorial despite being an adult.

Perhaps if you and your dh had made more of an effort on mending the relationship when she was 7 and jealous, she would be more considerate of you. Instead you wrote her off as difficult for having to share her dad with a woman, who lives with him full time when she does not.

thornyhousewife · 05/11/2020 09:27

She isn't breaking any rules and is allowed to be with both of her parents.

The way you talk about her is awful.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 10:00

How foolish of me not to consider how I’d feel ten years on in the face of a global pandemic.

She has two parents, she doesn’t need me to parent her. I won’t be reporting anything to school or college it’s none of my business. I just don’t want to catch COVID from her. If I was talking about a friend, or a mother in law, or even my own child I’d be receiving support not this!

OP posts:
GetOffYourHighHorse · 05/11/2020 10:10

'If your step daughter is already visiting regularly then why does lockdown make a difference? What has changed? '

Why do people say stuff like this. It'd be like saying 'well if you've been going to the pub why does lockdown make a difference.'
That's the whole point, lockdown does make a difference. The stepdaughter's mother needs to try and do a bit of parenting and tell her dd that no, she can't carry on shagging boyfriends while households aren't supposed to be mixing.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 05/11/2020 10:15

I support you @TheHomelands2020.
Whilst I can see the benefits of self isolating away from them , the risk is there from her hugging your husband and for 2 weeks after.

I think the better way to tackle this is for your DH and you to have a serious talk to her about risks and her behaviours at the moment ( and I don't mean the sex but all behaviours) . Respect for others etc Is really important right now and I wonder if it just doesn't cross her radar?
Good luck!

borntohula · 05/11/2020 10:15

Covid is a convenient excuse, I guess.

borntohula · 05/11/2020 10:17

@Elizaaa

And I'd inform the school that she's posting sexually suggestive pictures on open social media.

Why? Wouldn’t they... call SS on you and your DH? You know, the people actually responsible for her?

She's still a child so shouldn't be posting what could possibly be child porn. Who is to say the bf isn't forcing her to do it? If he isn't then maybe the school could run some self esteem programmes, at least.

And op doesn't have PR. She's supposed to keep her nose out while sketty SD parades around her house.

What does 'sketty' mean? 🤨
dontdisturbmenow · 05/11/2020 10:21

I just don’t want to catch COVID from her. If I was talking about a friend, or a mother in law, or even my own child I’d be receiving support not this!
But the reality is that if it was your MIL, best friend or DD living with you, such a thread would probably not exist.

Unless you and your OH have been shielding 100%, you've taken Ariel the whole time. You are talking about 1% extra risk if that. Not enough to prevent her from seeing her dad for a month.

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