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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:25

I'm not exceptionally vulnerable but I have to be careful. If I get it, it'll probably make me very ill. I wasn't shielding, but even so, I still don't want to catch it and am very careful in all aspects of work and home life. I have no choice here, she will come into my home and it's like inviting all those people she's not been careful with in with her. I'm worried sick and really upset that my DH can't ALSO consider my feelings along with those of his daughter.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2020 17:31

She was 6 when your dh and you got together. I’m really struggling to grasp that she has always been difficult. Even when you met her. At 6.

Sewrainbow · 04/11/2020 17:31

He's still allowed to see her

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:37

Yes of course he's still allowed to see her. I'm not stopping that, I'm just upset that my concerns are not in any way valid or even listened to.

The first year was OK, the newness and excitement of another adult being around, but as soon as he showed me any affection openly in front of her (about a year after I first met her), she very obviously didn't like it. Difficult 7-8 year olds do exist. Difficult 16 year olds are much more common.

OP posts:
wizzbangfizz · 04/11/2020 17:43

It doesn't sound to me like you will be hugging her, are you stlll seeing anyone, can you go to your mums or something? It's 3 nights in 4 weeks if I've read it right, I half see what you are saying about it being your house too but given the risk levels and I think it is no way strong enough to prevent a child seeing their dad for a month.

Woui · 04/11/2020 17:45

I'm shielding and my son goes to college. He is here full time. We avoid each other as much as possible and clean regularly every day.

I think this is more about feeling ignored and as though you don't count.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2020 17:45

She sounded jealous rather than difficult. At 7/8 she probably grasped that you got to be around her dad all the time when she did not. And now, here you are, trying to actively reduce the amount of time she spends with her dad. It sounds as though the whole thing has been poorly managed and you both resent each other. Why are you competing with a child?

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:47

It's three nights twice if that makes sense. Every other weekend for four weeks.

Recently she's chosen her boyfriend, or a college party over seeing her dad if she gets the chance. She hates her mum's current boyfriend so would rather be with her dad than her mum when he's around (even though that involves being near me - I must be the better option).

Standby for the 'poor child' comments, she has no home, she hates both her parents' spouses/partners, they should have stayed together for the sake of her.

OP posts:
Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:48

It’s also her house! Her dads house. She’s a child.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 17:49

She’s 16. Of course she wants to see her boyfriend or go to a party but that doesn’t mean you then make it more difficult for her to see her dad.

And your H did consider you, you said yourself he reduced the amount of time he had seen her.

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:50

She may be child officially but is an adult in the way she behaves.

OP posts:
Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:52

You don’t exactly sound like you like her ...it’s unsurprising she doesn’t like you.
Considering you have mentioned she became ‘difficult’ At 7 Hmm ... when she was a small child and you were an adult.

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:52

@Nicknacky would you like to show me where I've made it difficult for her to see her dad?

Oh and Hallie your comments are so predictable and boring. You keep repeating the same old Mumsnet crap about stepmothers.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 17:53

By the very fact you are considering asking for him not to see her during lockdown!

Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:54

@TheHomelands2020

She may be child officially but is an adult in the way she behaves.
Because she has a bf and has sex? She’s a teenager.. she’s allowed to have sex at 16, she’s still classed as a child.
KittCat · 04/11/2020 17:54

What happens if she wants to live with you...

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:54

Are you struggling to read or understand my posts @Nicknacky?

Could you point out where I've asked him not to see her?

OP posts:
anniegun · 04/11/2020 17:54

She is entitled to see her dad , you are entitled to go elsewhere for the duration.

Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:55

[quote TheHomelands2020]@Nicknacky would you like to show me where I've made it difficult for her to see her dad?

Oh and Hallie your comments are so predictable and boring. You keep repeating the same old Mumsnet crap about stepmothers.[/quote]
I’m a step mother too. You are just wrong and unreasonable.

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:56

@Halliehallie9828 you're really not a stepmother, no way would you make the comments you do if you are.

OP posts:
Aragog · 04/11/2020 17:56

She may be child officially but is an adult in the way she behaves.

That's still irrelevant when it comes to whether she can visit her dad or not.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 17:56

TheHomeLands2020 Ok, so if I have picked you up wrong and you ARENT expecting your husband not to see her, then exactly what are you asking that you should do?

Kcar · 04/11/2020 17:57

@TheHomelands2020

She may be child officially but is an adult in the way she behaves.
Legally she is a child.

16 year olds are allowed to have sex but they are still legally children.

I assume your HUSBAND still pays maintenance for her and hasn’t stopped that on the grounds she’s an adult at 16?

Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:57

[quote TheHomelands2020]@Halliehallie9828 you're really not a stepmother, no way would you make the comments you do if you are.[/quote]
Yes I am. She’s nearly 13 and my own children are 9&7. Not everyone hates their step kids like you.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 17:58

And you might want to read your last paragraph of your OP again.....