Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:58

Can I just point out that I am not stopping her seeing her dad? She normally sees him EOW for three nights and I have no problem. This is not about her seeing her dad, it is about a Covid risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:59

@Nicknacky
Yep I've read it and it still doesn't say I don't want him to see her. It's about the Covid risk, not about him seeing her.

OP posts:
Kcar · 04/11/2020 18:00

You think she shouldn’t see her dad rather then you move out and live elsewhere.

If that isn’t stopping her seeing her dad what else is it?

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 18:00

Read your last paragraph again.

Rainallnight · 04/11/2020 18:01

How bad is your asthma? I’m asthmatic too but I checked with my GP and it’s only those who are really quite severe are at greater risk.

Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 18:01

I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks

You wrote about her not seeing her dad for 4 weeks so yes you did about her not seeing him for 4 weeks.

Pogmella · 04/11/2020 18:02

Wooooaaah- she’s a child, OP! And even if she wasn’t- you seem to be counting down til she’s 18... she’ll probably still see her dad a similar amount until she’s in her 20’s or older if they’re close.

Why don’t you book a hotel if it’s so dangerous? If there’s a court order for access then legally it’s more important she’s there than you.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 18:02

And the op has the cheek to say I’m not understanding her posts or can’t read😂

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 18:02

My asthma is bad enough to not want to catch Covid.

Sorry Nick and Hallie, I'm bored of repeating myself.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 18:03

I have no choice here, she will come into my home and it's like inviting all those people she's not been careful with in with her.

She will come into her home. What your DH needs to do to support you is to talk to her about her behaviour and distancing.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 18:04

And I’m bored of women like you who little by little, create distance and issues between a child and her father. I just hope your husband is not the type of man who would allow it to happen, although to be fair it doesn’t sound like he will.

Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 18:05

@Nicknacky

And the op has the cheek to say I’m not understanding her posts or can’t read😂
Laughable really since it’s in her opening post. 😂
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 18:08

You know nothing about me and you can't even work out what this thread is about, you're so focused on step mother beating. God help if you ever have step children, you've no idea.

OP posts:
Stantons · 04/11/2020 18:08

@tiptopj brilliant post

@flaviaritt it is ops home too, more so because she owns it and is there full time with no other option so she is more than entitled to refer to it as her home

ZoeTurtle · 04/11/2020 18:09

Stop stalking her on social media you weirdo.

Stop saying you were shielding when you weren't.

And stop pretending this is about risk and not about you disliking your stepdaughter!

SimonJT · 04/11/2020 18:09

@TheHomelands2020

No I'm not officially shielding, never have, I took myself away from them during first lockdown as we knew her mother had been ignoring all lockdown rules and I didn't want to catch it. I still don't.

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

You said you would move out if you could, why can’t you rent an airbnb?

Your views on a child being sexually active are disturbing.

ImMoana · 04/11/2020 18:15

The problem is, where do you draw the line?
Her risk of exposure is probably bigger from her education setting then it is from everything else she does outside of that environment.

Unless you have a serious condition or are much older then you must be, I’m afraid your options are genuinely limited. Even if your husband cut back on contact for this 4 week period, the lockdown could be extended further. 4 more weeks. Maybe 8 more. At what point do you then find their contact comfortable? She’s not going to change her behaviour over that period of time. At some point she would need to see him.

In your shoes I’d isolate myself as much as I could during her visits. Be alert to the symptoms and keep up the cleaning/good ventilation practices while she’s in the house.

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 18:16

Stantons

I don’t agree. If you are married to a man and he has children (and partial residency) your home is their home. As you say, it is the OP’s home too.

Livelovebehappy · 04/11/2020 18:17

Are you in a bubble OP? Just wondering whether maybe you could stay overnight with your bubble on those weekends? I know it’s not ideal, but compromises need to be made during these weird times we’re in.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 04/11/2020 18:18

@ThePinkPlunger

I don't understand why her sexual activity or nudie pictures have anything to do with Covid Confused
Presumably closer than 2 meters and no face masks?
Stantons · 04/11/2020 18:20

@flaviaritt I think it depends on the set up but my point was it felt like the poster was correcting the op when she referred to it as her home

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 18:22

Stantons

Oh I see, sorry.

JaffaCake70 · 04/11/2020 18:33

'Presumably closer than 2 meters and no face masks?'

She still didn't have to tell us about any sexual activity. She could've just said that she's still seeing her bf, we can assume (or not) for ourselves what the young couple may or may not get up to.

ScienceSensibility · 04/11/2020 18:34

OP, YANBU, it is perfectly logical that you want to protect yourself from anything which increases your risk of contracting covid. You have a ore existing condition which could make you very unwell.
Therefore, you are altering your own behaviour to mitigate the risk, and it must be very scary to think of someone coming into your home who is more, shall we say, carefree about the virus?

Can your husband not meet her outside the home, just for this period of time? We are all having to make sacrifices and it doesn’t sound as if she is sacrificing any other area of her life.

I would expect my husband to take this very seriously and try and make some reasonable adjustments to protect me. Otherwise I would be very tempted to move into a hotel room for the duration.

Take care, OP. I’m sorry you are in this position but your feelings are perfectly valid.

OwlBeThere · 04/11/2020 18:36

My daughter is 18, my son 19. They still go and stay at their dads every other weekend because...well, he’s their dad. I didn’t realise they weren’t allowed to do that once they were adults.

Swipe left for the next trending thread