I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

I am profoundly introverted. I struggle with the amount of interaction people seem to require from me (although I’m functional, it causes lots of anxiety). I still wouldn’t think it was reasonable to cut myself off from my husband and child for three full evenings a week. An hour or so every night or a few hours less frequently is different.

I can understand you, most nights once tea is over I disappear to my bedroom just to have some peace, I'm not a big television fan, I prefer to sit & read or go on my phone to Facebook or Mumsnet.

On the fence a bit. I think several evenings alone 2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time. I don’t know if it’s unreasonable though. I suppose it depends on what they want to chat about and I think I would feel pretty rubbish about telling my children/partner they had to leave me alone completely for hours up to 3 times per week. I think I would have felt my mum wasn’t approachable if she had done that. But maybe I’m the odd one, not you!

I think it is a bit more time than I would expect- it’s nearly half the evenings a week if you did it 3 days. Would you be happy if your DH decided he was going somewhere, not to be contacted 2-3 evenings per week? Or maybe he does and this is your equivalent. Hard to say on info given.

@littlepeas

I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. Every time I come out of the shower there is someone in my bedroom - sometimes multiple people. They all seem to want to watch me put my knickers on for some reason. I have told them that I’d rather not have an audience while getting dressed but they don’t listen. If I shut the door they just open it! Dc are 12, 11 and 9, so definitely old enough to understand - dh is just as bloody bad!

This is why I have a lock.

@littlepeas

I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. Every time I come out of the shower there is someone in my bedroom - sometimes multiple people. They all seem to want to watch me put my knickers on for some reason. I have told them that I’d rather not have an audience while getting dressed but they don’t listen. If I shut the door they just open it! Dc are 12, 11 and 9, so definitely old enough to understand - dh is just as bloody bad!

This is why I have a lock.

To answer a few questions. DH is definitely an active Dad and always has been. He's always cooked, cleaned and taken them to parties when smaller...he's not a helpless male at all. They can ask him just as well as me to help them with cooking some snack or just talk to him.

I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with a parent wanting time alone. DH gets it but in a different way...he surfs. He goes at least three times a week in summer and in winter, he walks...long walks with a mate of his. Sometimes he just visits friends...he's very sociable and over the years I have adjusted my introverted habits so that he felt I was with him as a unit...this means I go to dinner with him or host dinners for friends weekly...I also visit the beach with him and DDs for them to swim and surf.

They ALL get plenty of me. I don't have to give it all. One day, they will more than likely move out won't they? Then what? Should I lose myself entirely because I must be a handmaiden to my family?

No.

It's not a lot to ask...it's not a whole evening alone either...a couple of hours. Sometimes, not often...I'll watch something on Netflix and then it's more like three hours...but I STILL think that's fine.

DH is very, very sociable and so are both girls...they're all extroverts in the extreme. I am just NOT. My best friend understands me better than them...she will check with me before asking me to an event..."Will that be too much for you do you think? I don't mind if it's too many people" or whatever...it's not that I don't love them...I'm very demonstrative...always telling them I love them and doing things for them.

Well, no, I guess you can do what you like, OP. If it’s a question of reasonableness, though, I think it’s a bit much. Anyway...

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time

Do you honestly think that? I think it's fuck all. It's NOTHING! There are so many hours in a day....why would people think that's a lot. I can't imagine how some couples and families manage if that's considered a lot.

Flav Why do you think that? Do you spend any time alone?

Would a family member be welcome to join you if they were separately occupied to sit in companionable silence, or is it complete solitude that you crave?

A football match is 90 minutes and I think most people would be fine leaving someone in peace to watch it, wouldn't they? I know my DH and DS would really dislike being interrupted when watching sport.

Three hours a week of alone time equates to two football matches - I don't think it's completely unreasonable!

I agree with you, op. And ask your husband how he'd feel if you didn't let him surf or take a walk in peace.

I'd go nuts if I was denied time to myself. There's no need to be a martyr or to put your needs at the bottom of every possible pile.

It's important to teach your children that being part of a family means balancing everyone's needs!

Emily No they would not. I don't want someone else there.

I mean...that's why I don't sit in one of our TWO sitting rooms or our large kitchen. Because others are there...or could be.

Yes, I do. An hour or so a day, which I do really need. But I have that time when my child is at nursery. In the evenings when she’s 12, I may just have to accept that sometimes my ‘me’ time is less important than something she needs. I would rarely banish her from talking to me.

I agree with you, op. And ask your husband how he'd feel if you didn't let him surf or take a walk in peace.

I'd go nuts if I was denied time to myself. There's no need to be a martyr or to put your needs at the bottom of every possible pile.

It's important to teach your children that being part of a family means balancing everyone's needs!

Yes, I do. An hour or so a day, which I do really need. But I have that time when my child is at nursery. In the evenings when she’s 12, I may just have to accept that sometimes my ‘me’ time is less important than something she needs. I would rarely banish her from talking to me.

I had this with DP and DC at the beginning. I had to sit down and explain it to him , frankly in easy short terms despite the fact he is a very intelligent man. He initially just couldn't understand. Eventually he did and actually (my DC are younger at 4 and 7) defends my peace to the nth degree now . He has been in a bit of a mission to remind DC that I am a human being with needs too and not just robot, permanently on call mum.
Since it clicked for him he was genuinely a bit horrified at the realisation that he had basically internalised that a mum should never need peace.

Honestly though during him "getting it " I actually blew up at him I was so frustrated (and apologised for it admittedly)

One of the things that clicked for him was the more I'm interrupted the more time I need. If I get a couple of hours in fine then for a few days. However that wasn't happening. It was constantly interrupted so I would try the next day and the next day. The more interruptions,the more frustration , the more attempts.

He clocked quite quickly if I got some down time it actually reduced my need for it because I had been able to recharge.

Ignore the self satisfied people pretending shock that you want to be apart from you family....its not that often and honestly it's just as unusual the other way around. Constant contact with other people for extroverts is just as much a mental health need as the quiet time for introverts.

Yes, I do. An hour or so a day, which I do really need. But I have that time when my child is at nursery. In the evenings when she’s 12, I may just have to accept that sometimes my ‘me’ time is less important than something she needs. I would rarely banish her from talking to me.

Dh said to me one day over initial lockdown in March that myself and the kids were gravitating towards him and he'd had 4 days in a row where from 7 in the morning to bedtime he wasn't on his own. You honestly dont realise you're doing it. It's both a selfish thing and wanting to keep someone company.

I'm like this...I often retreat to the bedroom to watch TV in peace, read and be alone.

Not everyone understands this need. I have a friend who said she doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to be alone.

I have earphones and listen to audiobooks/ podcasts whilst pottering for this exact reason! DH, teen and preteen here who all need more attention from me than I need from them.

It's no wonder today's young people are so fragile.

I don't agree. You just need to read all the dramatic threads and posts showing the need for drama and utter lack of resilience because of a few restrictions, it really is not "young people".

It's no wonder today's young people are so fragile.

I don't agree. You just need to read all the dramatic threads and posts showing the need for drama and utter lack of resilience because of a few restrictions, it really is not "young people".