He doesn't give a shit does he?

[CrotchBurn]

Hasnt hugged me or properly engaged with me in about 3 months now.

Tries to have half hearted sex with me, although to be fair I'd say it's been about 3 weeks that he hasnt even tried that.

When I try and tackle it he just says "it's not you, I'm just feeling tense lately".

Starting to get fed up now. Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

I feel a bit pissed off now. Just say what's on your mind or make an effort?

What do you think? I can feel the beginning of a fight start coming up in me.

Why are people being vilified for suggesting that someone leaves a "possibly" depressed person. Living with someone suffering from depression can be so destructive. As sad as it is that they have a MH issue that doesn't mean that their partner has to damn themselves to a life of misery. I left a partner many years ago due to his depressive episodes. I did it for my sanity. I had no intention of being a martyr. For a few yrs after I often wondered if I had made a mistake as I still loved him, I was very young. . I have had close contact with him for many years, we are close friends however nothing has ever changed. His partner hasn't been happy with him for years but stay's because they have children. For me this was definitely a lucky escape and I don't regret my decision to leave him. Depression or not OP, get out while you can. No one deserves to have to live like that.

Oh of course we should live with our husbands who won't seek help and treat us like absolute shit because they are "depressed".
Good luck with that, I'm not hanging around for another 20 years waiting for someone to speak to me or seek help.
If he refuses to engage in any way then it's quite clear he doesn't care enough to be bothered with you.
I'd be saying, I'm leaving now and going back to my home town, if at any point you decide you'd like to reach out to me please let me know.
I wasted 8 years on husband number 1 and 20 years on husband no 2 pandering to their personality defects and I'm never doing it again.

[quote Frankola]@doughnut100 but you don't know if he does have a problem like depression do you?

Personally I find your advice telling OP to leave her partner and destroy her family with no confirmation if this indeed a mental health issue to be harmful.

If it isn't mental health by all means LTB but to just assume this is for no reason at all and encourage OP to leave immediately is madness in my eyes. This isn't automatically about women putting themselves second[/quote]
Are you suggesting that women should stay with men when they live with them, no matter how unhappy they are and no matter how badly the man behaves?

She doesn't have a family to destroy. She has a boyfriend who isn't behaving well. She has no reason to stay. She's said he's not depressed.

It is so over.

Pack and go to where your network is.

How about instead of focusing on your unmet needs you think about what he needs right now. Tell him you love him often in different ways. Like making his favourite meal, or buying him a small gift or taking an interest in something he likes.

How about instead of asking him what is wrong or reminding him he is letting you down in some way, you just ask “what can I do to help you today?”

Listen to him, really listen. Ask him open questions and then confirm back what you have heard and say how can we make it feel better?

If he is happier you will get the love you clearly are craving, be the love he needs right now, and it will come back to you.

So he doesn’t want sex right now, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, he is just not feeling it and that is perfectly ok.

Put yourself in his shoes for 5 minute maybe. See things through his eyes. Then help the man you love instead of hindering him more with your own needs.

And then you could recite the bit from Taming of The Shrew about putting your hand beneath your husband's foot and reading about surrendered wives.

There is nothing healthy or virtuous about unequally pouring care into and meeting needs of someone who does not reciprocate, and when the relationship is not mutually satisfying. It is not a woman's job to fix a relationship or to not expect reciprocation or equality. Please OP, go and read the pinned statement at the top of the relationships board. Being a good partner does not require anyone to be a doormat or a Patient Griselda.

Exactly Michelleo. Well said.

@Teesstar

How about instead of focusing on your unmet needs you think about what he needs right now. Tell him you love him often in different ways. Like making his favourite meal, or buying him a small gift or taking an interest in something he likes.

How about instead of asking him what is wrong or reminding him he is letting you down in some way, you just ask “what can I do to help you today?”

Listen to him, really listen. Ask him open questions and then confirm back what you have heard and say how can we make it feel better?

If he is happier you will get the love you clearly are craving, be the love he needs right now, and it will come back to you.

So he doesn’t want sex right now, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, he is just not feeling it and that is perfectly ok.

Put yourself in his shoes for 5 minute maybe. See things through his eyes. Then help the man you love instead of hindering him more with your own needs.

Bloody hell.

I can't b

I can't believe what I just read. I meant to say

Tees

The 1950's are calling they want you back

@Teesstar what planet are you on?

Sorry to repeat myself but to remind you that this is the situation you're waxing lyrical about:
She lives far from her family and has described her life as solitary confinement. They live next door to his family who he sees every single day so he has alternate support available. She has described his behaviour as mental torture. He hasn't engaged with her for three months and his effort has tapered off over a year.

And you think she should ignore her own discomfort, try harder and put him first. I despair. Are you from the 1600s?

Please don't listen to these handmaidens OP. Your happiness is really important. You deserve to live in a loving environment and if your partner is freezing you out it's not your responsibility to fix him.

@madcatladyforever
@MichelleofzeResistance

Completely agree.

Quite happy to be called selfish if that is what some people think knowing my value and worth is.

OP owes this guy nothing.

He can help himself.

She should pack her bags, move back to family and friends and get on with her life.

The alternative? Spend years hopping around hoping this guy who may or may not be depressed gets better.

Why is OP's job to wait around or try and fix him.

Christ, some people really place no value on their own lives.🙄

Sounds like hes doing the thing where he wants you to be the one to end it

I find these threads akin to watching a person repeatedly hit themselves on the head with a shovel. I feel such dismay that they (usually, at that point) cannot see that they aren't going to get anywhere and it will never start being fun. Thankfully OP seems to see that the relationship is not one that will last - it needs both participants to make it work, and one here does not want to make it work - and moving out is ultimately in her best interests.

Please OP, you are worth so much more than this, and deserve so much more, than this bloody weed smoking tool. We only have one life, time spent waiting for this knob to discover how to be a decent life partner is time utterly wasted. And he won't change anyway, you know that already.

You deserve better. You are worth more.

Hang on... it’s classed as being 1950’s to ask your partner who you love how you can make him feel better?

It is a modern day problem that men often have mental health issues that go undiagnosed, and we have higher suicide rates in men but we should not give them the benefit of the doubt?

By caring for the person you love you are not selling your soul to the devil, you are not a repressed housewife... you are simply a caring partner!

If the boot was on the other foot it would all be that he should be asking what might help... how he could take some of the load.

I maybe the problem is that people are not seeing that there is a serious lack of understanding about what a partnership is... ups and downs, sometimes one has to be more for the other and then the tables turn. It is equality, it is kindness and fairness.

Typically showing that on mums net it is all one sided woe is me dump your partner and give up.

From what the op said and with 10 years of mental health professional experience he is very likely to be struggling with his mental health, not just lazy or disinterested.

Wow... just wow.

@Teesstar why on earth do you insist he's suffering from depression when the OP said clearly "He's not acting like hes particularly depressed"?

But teestar he has a support network, op doesn't, - well it's meant to be him

@Teesstar with 10 years of mental health experience you should know not to jump to conclusions. There is categorically not enough info for your armchair diagnosis. He could be depressed, he could be disinterested. You do not know.

Some other people quite generously characterised you as 1950s. I said 1600s myself.

I'm going to list what you're defending again:

She lives far from her family and has described her life as solitary confinement. They live next door to his family who he sees every single day so he has alternate support available. She has described his behaviour towards her as mental torture. He hasn't engaged with her for three months and his effort has tapered off over a year. When she tries to be affectionate he blames her for making him tense. She said he is not behaving like he's depressed (but of course we're not allowed to take her word for it, you know better.)

At what point is she allowed to prioritise her own happiness? After another year of this? Two?

Healthy kindness and understanding have boundaries.

@@Teesstar OP has already attempted to be supportive and get him to open up to her about his feelings but he has refused to engage and there is no indication that he has any intention of seeking help

They are not married so the OP has not made a commitment to stay with this man 'in sickness and in health'. At what point would it be reasonable to walk away or would you have her spend the rest of her life living in misery with this man (and likely destroy her own mental health)?

At what point in a relationship are we expected to tolerate vile behaviour from the other person on the basis that it might be a result of depression (rather than just dump them)? A week? A month? A year?

I wish i'd walked out (or kicked him out) when mine started doing this, blanking me, putting walls up, no communication. should have finished it 15 years ago, wasted my life a bit (apart from my two wonderful almost grown up children). Happy by myself now and he's shacked up with the woman he was seeing all alone. still not quite divorced but between nisi and absolute. Dont want to meet anyone else now (too set in my ways) but might have done when i was younger

Teestar I have many more years of experience of working in MH and if it is depression then my experience has been watching families, including children and extended family members being destroyed by a partners MH. As sad as it is it has casualties. He also smokes dope, this in itself will exacerbate his MH issues. He isn't even trying to help himself. He may be depressed but that does not excuse his cruel behaviour towards his partner. From her post she is a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. If she were my daughter I would advise her to run for the hills and to not look back. I very much suspect that most people on this site who were raised by a depressive parent will tell you how difficult their life was and how their own lives have been damaged as a result.

Thank you for your replies. Today he spent the whole day ignoring me. My whole body was tense. It was horrible. I tried to ask him if he was okay and feeling better etc and he just said "mm". I've just made him teas, dinner, left him alone, not spoken to him. He doesnt even look at me. I've had my heart pounding and my stomach clenched all day.

His sister messaged me saying he hadn't replied to a message she sent him on saturday, hadn't even looked at his phone. So I guess he could well be depressed. She said maybe it's because it was all saints (they are catholic and his dad died four years ago...).

I understand then that maybe he is depressed. But he knows that I am not in a great place myself. Following the first lockdown and issues between us I ended up being referred to the hospital to see a psychiatrist, luckily I am still being supported by them. That's just to say that he should know that whilst he is totally entitled to his feelings, now isnt the best time to be cutting me out and I wish he could see that. I was just starting to feel less shaky.

This isnt about being passive or drained or disconnected and distant. It's like I'm not here, the way he is acting

Thank you for your replies. Today he spent the whole day ignoring me. My whole body was tense. It was horrible. I tried to ask him if he was okay and feeling better etc and he just said "mm". I've just made him teas, dinner, left him alone, not spoken to him. He doesnt even look at me. I've had my heart pounding and my stomach clenched all day.

His sister messaged me saying he hadn't replied to a message she sent him on saturday, hadn't even looked at his phone. So I guess he could well be depressed. She said maybe it's because it was all saints (they are catholic and his dad died four years ago...).

I understand then that maybe he is depressed. But he knows that I am not in a great place myself. Following the first lockdown and issues between us I ended up being referred to the hospital to see a psychiatrist, luckily I am still being supported by them. That's just to say that he should know that whilst he is totally entitled to his feelings, now isnt the best time to be cutting me out and I wish he could see that. I was just starting to feel less shaky.

This isnt about being passive or drained or disconnected and distant. It's like I'm not here, the way he is acting

Honestly OP - you are getting nothing good from this relationship.

Imagine packing a bag and leaving. How does that make you feel honestly? I bet relieved.

I know it’s hard but you’re worth so much more.

Flogging a dead horse I think is the term someone used on here and they are bang on correct..

You are nothing but a housekeeper/cook OP..

Pack your bags and go home..