He doesn't give a shit does he?

[CrotchBurn]

Hasnt hugged me or properly engaged with me in about 3 months now.

Tries to have half hearted sex with me, although to be fair I'd say it's been about 3 weeks that he hasnt even tried that.

When I try and tackle it he just says "it's not you, I'm just feeling tense lately".

Starting to get fed up now. Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

I feel a bit pissed off now. Just say what's on your mind or make an effort?

What do you think? I can feel the beginning of a fight start coming up in me.

If you think he’s a fucking dickhead, just leave fgs.

When I read the part about him smoking weed it all made a lot more sense. I dated a weed smoker once years ago and my Step-dad growing up was one too. They’re always the same- lazy, unmotivated and usually quite tedious too (they love nothing more than talking incessantly about weed).

The one I dated blew hot and cold constantly. He mostly just wanted to smoke joints and play games. He was a total waste of space and I was well rid of him just like you would be with this asshat.

Ditch him, it will save your own mental health.

This shouts depression to me OP.

Your reaction is pretty self centred in this situation. You say you've told him how YOU feel. YOU feel fed up. YOU feel isolated. Etc. What about him?

His entire behaviour suggests classic symptoms of depression such as pulling away, removing himself, fatigue.

He needs to speak to a professional.

@Frankola seriously what horrible advice. Eff off. Even if he is depressed she doesn't need to put up with this. Why should she be miserable and just accept his behaviour when he won't communicate with her at all? Depression isn't a get out of jail free card for treating your partner like shit. I've been depressed and I never did this. Of course she's talking about herself, she posted because SHE is miserable. Not because he is. She's tried helping him and he's rude. Yes maybe he needs to speak to a professional but she's not his carer, it's not her responsibility to facilitate it.

Op, don't listen to these idiots. Go go go. Leave before Thursday. Don't feel guilty.

@doughnut100 Do not tell me to F Off. Seriously? How incredibly rude.

No, depression is not a get out of jail free card. I didnt say it was.

What I DID say is that depression is a mental illness in which you are not yourself. You isolate from people and pull away from them. You are so mentally fatigued that you cannot connect with others or the world around you.

Very often it is difficult for people to recognise they are depressed. Or accept it.

I'm not sure about your own family situation but in times of struggle my husband and family have been there to help me. Perhaps the OP needs a serious discussion with her husband about the fact he may have depression before she LEAVES HIM as you suggest.

Typical screaming banshee LTB response...

I agree with those who think he's checked out. Doesn't really matter why. I'm terrible at ending relationships. I lived with someone who I no longer wanted to be with and I kept hoping he would leave. I wasn't cheating, although I probably was depressed, but the depression was due to having to live with someone I didn't want to! It miraculously lifted the day he moved out! Anyway, eventually it did all come to a head, and he still didn't want to go. I had to become forceful in the end.

You're not happy OP. We can all give our guesses as to what's going on but it is just guesses. If he won't engage in trying to solve whatever the issue is, then you will only end up more frustrated and lonely.

@Frankola

This shouts depression to me OP.

Your reaction is pretty self centred in this situation. You say you've told him how YOU feel. YOU feel fed up. YOU feel isolated. Etc. What about him?

His entire behaviour suggests classic symptoms of depression such as pulling away, removing himself, fatigue.

He needs to speak to a professional.

Did you actually read the OP's posts, in particular the bit about weed?

Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

OP,
I wouldn't put up with his bullshit for 3 months and I'm married nearly 30 years.

Leave him to his weed.
He's not pushed.
Move home.

You deserve better than his bored, selfish, apathy.

@Doughnut100

I've been depressed and I never did this

So you had the 'relationship friendly' sort of depression? Many don't.

he has fallen asleep on the couch, probably because he smoked a small joint

I'm permanently smoking small joints. Never once has it put me to sleep on the sofa. Solo working parent too.

@hollowtalk yes I did. I read ALL of the posts. Including about the weed.

Thats why I suggested depression. From reading the posts...

Why? Havent you read them yourself?

@Frankola I do appreciate telling you to eff off was a bit strong. Sorry for that. I just think telling the OP she should put her feelings second and that she was being self centred to be talking about herself was wildly harmful advice to a vulnerable woman who has already been putting herself second. She's isolated and being treated horribly. I'm not a screaming banshee I'm a woman who's sick of women being trained to always put themselves last.

@Eckhart I know that depression tends not to be relationship friendly. But we are still responsible for how we behave in our relationships. My point is that you can be depressed and still show a modicum of care for how your behaviour affects your partner.

My point is that you can be depressed and still show a modicum of care for how your behaviour affects your partner

This is not always the case. When you can't even care for how your behaviour affects yourself, caring for others goes out of reach.

That's not a reason for a partner to put up with being treated shoddily though. If you haven't got it in you to care how your behaviour affects others, you can't expect others to nurture you. Or even want to be around you. It's very hard.

Is he depressed or interested in someone else ?

Depression can make some one very very selfish.

Not intentionally, they need support.

I'm just done with so many people putting the feeling of the POSSIBLY depressed man (no proof of this, it's just as likely that he's gone off her and is trying to push her away) before the feelings of the woman who is making an effort and trying to communicate with him while he hurtfully rejects her.

Yeah maybe he does need support. But she's tried. He's told her to basically leave him alone repeatedly. SHE needs support. She came to this forum looking for it. And all some people do is tell her to consider his feelings before her own.

It's not morally superior to make an armchair diagnosis of depression on very little evidence and to remind women to always put themselves last. It's the same old sexist claptrap making excuses for men and expecting women to be accommodating and "kind".

@Doughnut100

Even the person you told to 'F off' said that the bloke needs to get some help. Nobody is saying his behaviour is fine, or that OP should put up with it.

Why are you so het up that you're swearing at people? The thread is massively leaning in the direction of 'It might be depression, but leave don't put up with it, either way.'

To be fair the person I told to eff off I apologised to, and they called me a screaming banshee in return so nobody is looking great.

And I'm het up because we live in a sexist world and it drives me up the wall. Guilty. More to the point the actual swearing was in response to someone telling the op that she was being self centred to talk about how his "depression" affects her. I stand by the fact that warrants an impassioned response.

"I have told him I feel isolated from him and he said "give it time""

This doesn't sound like severe depression to me - one of the things about depression is it feels like theres no end, like things will never get better, and like you're utterly worthless.

"Give it time" sounds much more like "just stop bothering me".

To be fair the person I told to eff off I apologised to, and they called me a screaming banshee in return so nobody is looking great

Speak for yourself

@doughnut100 but you don't know if he does have a problem like depression do you?

Personally I find your advice telling OP to leave her partner and destroy her family with no confirmation if this indeed a mental health issue to be harmful.

If it isn't mental health by all means LTB but to just assume this is for no reason at all and encourage OP to leave immediately is madness in my eyes. This isn't automatically about women putting themselves second

Oh and @doughnut100 you will find that I would not have called you a screaming banshee had you not told me to F Off with no provocation at all.

If you can swear at me for no reason using pretty strong language I'm entitled to react. So I don't care how bad you try to say I am.

Thanks for your previous apology though, how likely insincere

@Frankola How am I advising her to destroy her family?! There are no kids, they aren't married. 4 years together is not that long.

Let's review the situation: She lives far from her family and has described her life as solitary confinement. He lives next door to his family who he sees every single day so he has alternate support available. She has described his behaviour as mental torture. He hasn't engaged with her for three months and his effort has tapered off over a year. Another lockdown starts on Thursday so she is facing another month of this. And yet I'm being harmful to say she should go and be with people who love her?

We are all entitled to our opinion but my mind boggles as to how you called the OP self centred for talking about how this affects her.

I don't lie. My apology for swearing was sincere. But I did clarify I stand by my response otherwise.