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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't give a shit does he?

152 replies

CrotchBurn · 02/11/2020 19:09

Hasnt hugged me or properly engaged with me in about 3 months now.

Tries to have half hearted sex with me, although to be fair I'd say it's been about 3 weeks that he hasnt even tried that.

When I try and tackle it he just says "it's not you, I'm just feeling tense lately".

Starting to get fed up now. Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

I feel a bit pissed off now. Just say what's on your mind or make an effort?

What do you think? I can feel the beginning of a fight start coming up in me.

OP posts:
june2007 · 02/11/2020 20:27

The weed may be making things worse but they may or maynot be the cause. You could explain to him that the weed might be making things worse?

Redwolf1 · 02/11/2020 20:28

Please stop the half hearted sex attempts, that cant be doing your MH any good, that kind of connection starts outside of the bedroom (in relationships). How would a suggestions of counselling go down? Do you want to leave currently? An ultimatum might be needed here

BlueThistles · 02/11/2020 20:28

OP you deserve better.... either kick him out or leave .. move back home Flowers

OhDearMuriel · 02/11/2020 20:31

Whatever you had and however good it was, it has gone.
Don't put yourself through this.
Can you go back home?
Know your worth!!

Devilesko · 02/11/2020 20:32

Why have you given up your family for him and his family.
He sounds terrible, and if he is depressed it's still no reason to treat you the way he does.
Both me and dh have lived with depression our adults life, the ups and severe downs at times.
Yes, you do lose sight and check out for a bit, but you still have something for your partner, affection, if not sex.

Bxjd · 02/11/2020 20:33

The first thing I thought was affair

ThePerfectRose · 02/11/2020 20:36

How old are you OP if you don’t mind me asking?

Please don’t think it’s you, it’s not. I think an ultimatum is needed, you need to put yourself first here and think about your own happiness. He may be depressed, you have tried to help but you are not responsible for him. Honestly, with the weed smoking and lack of affection (when you don’t have children and it’s only been 4 years) would make me want to run a mile.

Oh and you’re not selfish for posting about your own feelings!! Flowers

candycane222 · 02/11/2020 20:36

"stop, dont even try that you're just going to make me feel more tense again when I was starting to get a bit more relaxed"

Oh, so he's blaming you and basically saying 'you can't have what you want because you aske for it.

That's actually very nasty and disrespectful, and telling you you can't have needs, because of his needs. Which you are meant to accept are the only needs that count around there. And if he's unhappy, its your fault for doing your job wrong.

Honestly I wouldn't stand for this. Being depressed as so often said on Mumsnet, does not automatically make you into an arsehole. Plenty of people with depression are all too concerned about how they are making those around them feel - sometimes to their own detriment.

He may or not be depressed, or tense. But he definitely is behaving like an arse.

Original poster
CrotchBurn · 02/11/2020 20:42

Thanks for all your messages, lots of food for thought.

I'm reminded now of his ex who I heard about through a third party. She ended up on medication apparently because he wouldnt show her any affection.

I sat on the sofa and that woke him up. He got straight up and went to smoke another joint. Now we are both on the couch with a cold atmosphere. What the fuck is going on.

The worst part in all this is I know I cant talk to him about it because he will just brush me off, or if I insist no matter how gently he will then get annoyed with me and tell me I'm self centred. We have been here before it's just amplified now because of covid

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 02/11/2020 20:45

It really does sound like depression. My partner has had phases of this and I have 100% felt like you do: lonely, stupid, rejected, confused... but tbh things can't carry on this way, he does need to take responsibility for his behaviour and its effect on you. You can support him in doing that but the onus has to be on him. I would not still be with my partner if he hadn't ultimately accepted how damaging and unsustainable his behaviour when he is slipping into depression can be. We can tackle it well together, but it requires real frankness and openness, and commitment to improving things.

LindaEllen · 02/11/2020 20:45

Actually, although you say he doesn't seem depressed, you've described exactly what my DP is like when his depression is particularly bad.

LindaEllen · 02/11/2020 20:45

Actually, although you say he doesn't seem depressed, you've described exactly what my DP is like when his depression is particularly bad.

MrsMigginsMate · 02/11/2020 20:46

Apart from the weed he sounds exactly like me before I took my antidepressants. My instinct would be to get him to chat to the doctor. Get a prescription alongside counselling as the two don't always work unless combined. Depression often manifests as chronic apathy and low sex drive. I didn't love my husband any less but life was just too difficult to engage with and so he became neglected over time. Don't be put off by anti depressant side effects either as it's different for everyone. My sex life improved dramatically when before I was basically incapable of orgasm for a year.

I would suggest thinking about how much you want to invest in getting things sorted. If you think it's worth trying to salvage then it can't hurt to try the medical side of things, although I would mention the weed to the doctor as this may not interact well with anti depressants?

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/11/2020 20:48

Your flogging a dead horse op sorry

Stop enabling him to hurt you more, and make plans to leave
Depression or not it's shitty behaviour

Start looking out for yourself, it takes two people to make a relationship work
He's laughing at you

OhDearMuriel · 02/11/2020 20:48

What's he like with his mum and brother?
Is it only you he's being a bastard to?

ladycarlotta · 02/11/2020 20:48

@CrotchBurn

Thanks for all your messages, lots of food for thought.

I'm reminded now of his ex who I heard about through a third party. She ended up on medication apparently because he wouldnt show her any affection.

I sat on the sofa and that woke him up. He got straight up and went to smoke another joint. Now we are both on the couch with a cold atmosphere. What the fuck is going on.

The worst part in all this is I know I cant talk to him about it because he will just brush me off, or if I insist no matter how gently he will then get annoyed with me and tell me I'm self centred. We have been here before it's just amplified now because of covid

we must have posted at the same time, sorry I missed this as I was writing. Honestly, this sounds horrendous. You really would be within your rights to walk away, you do not have to tolerate this if he is not going to even attempt to let you in.

You matter too. You have a right to happiness and to feel comfortable in your home and relationship. I know how maddening and lonely this situation is, and I think you must do whatever it takes to preserve your own self confidence and wellbeing, even if he IS mentally ill you are not committed to this being your life.

Velvian · 02/11/2020 20:52

What's your housing situation? If your WFH could you move back in with family for a while?

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2020 21:00

Can you leave?

What is in it for you to stay?

PicsInRed · 02/11/2020 21:02

So what if he's depressed? he's not
He's treating the OP like shite (and reportedly did the same to an ex until SHE was depressed) and as we say to kids "a reason isn't an excuse".

OP, he has form for this. I bet you do plenty of domestic work and he both expects your labour and simultaneously holds you in contempt.

DotBall · 02/11/2020 21:06

Your one turn on this earth shouldn’t be wasted on this pathetic stoner who hasn’t got the balls to tell you that he’s gone off you.

When he says “It’s not you, it’s me” then believe it - there is nothing left for you in this relationship. Trust your judgement, take control of the situation, make basic plans to move out and tell him it’s over.

Otherwise you’ll still be in the same situation next year, and the year after, and the year after...

HollowTalk · 02/11/2020 21:07

This sort of relationship makes me feel really depressed. What's the point of it? You have all of the disadvantages of being with someone and none of the advantages of being single.

I'd give in my notice at work and pack my bags, to be honest.

Lovelynaughtycat · 02/11/2020 21:10

I agree with the others.
He's taking you down.
Do you really want to be with a dope smoking depressive?
Harsh I know but is it you do you want to be embroiled in all of this negativity? He's controlling this and your waiting and waiting for what?
More of the same old same old crap because he now knows he can get away with treating you like shit and bringing you down to his level.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 02/11/2020 21:12

Whether it’s depression or he’s just an arse, you deserve better, no question.

Original poster
CrotchBurn · 02/11/2020 21:12

I could go back home.

I just had it out with him I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. He said "here we fucking go!" and just said "we arent having this conversation now, I'm not in the mood". And then when I said I was he started getting angry. I told him I had a right to my feelings and that I was feeling quite upset about this whole situation and he said "how can I not be tense with you, when I cant even be not tense with myself". Then started shouting about how I was making him stressed and wound up.

I dont really care whether its depression or lack of interest in me or a combination of both. I think hes a fucking dickhead. He is definitely not going to get medical help or counselling. Definitely not.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/11/2020 21:12

I understand you could be depressed but you dont exist in a vacuum

When you're depressed, you do feel that you live in a vacuum. In fact, that's an excellent way to describe depression. Many years ago I had a partner who suffered depression, and I didn't understand. My attitude was 'Shake yourself!!'. I regret it. My partner withdrew more and more, and we broke up. Years later, I suffered depression myself, and suddenly I understood.

That said, living with a partner who has withdrawn from you is not easy, and nobody would blame you for leaving, if he continues to blank you. It's unbearable, and if you've reached your limit, you've reached your limit, and you need to tell him that, and distance yourself from him.

It sounds really hard, OP. Flowers