He doesn't give a shit does he?

[CrotchBurn]

Hasnt hugged me or properly engaged with me in about 3 months now.

Tries to have half hearted sex with me, although to be fair I'd say it's been about 3 weeks that he hasnt even tried that.

When I try and tackle it he just says "it's not you, I'm just feeling tense lately".

Starting to get fed up now. Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

I feel a bit pissed off now. Just say what's on your mind or make an effort?

What do you think? I can feel the beginning of a fight start coming up in me.

Doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't give a shit at all but he doesn't trust you to tell you what's wrong so that can't bode well. I am not saying you're not trustworthy, OP! Just seems he just can't be bothered with whatever can of worms talking about it will open. You're supposed to be good friends first and foremost. I feel it's a good thing you're not married.

@CrotchBurn

Of course I have spoken to him. I have told him I feel cut off from him and alone, particularly as we are in lockdown and we live next door to his family but hundreds of miles away from my network.

I have told him it makes me feel sad and alone and that I need him to talk to me at least.

He just tells me he feels tense and that it's not about me.

I understand you could be depressed but you dont exist in a vacuum

All those things you've mentioned are about you and how you're feeling. I'd hazard a guess that might be partly why he reacts defensively. Ask him how he's feeling, that you're worried about him and that you want to help. Lockdown is affecting a lot of us, in different and confusing ways and he may be struggling to articulate how he's feeling.

Sounds like he's met someone else to me. I've had several guys try to play the depression card like this and become distant. Sorry OP, do you have any evidence of this?

I know that affair is often mentioned on here but this sounds exactly like my ex when he was having his affair. It really made me think of it when you said about going to kiss him as it was so similar. Just thought that was worth mentioning in case you feel it's relevant.

Regardless, I wouldn't be giving him time, I'd leave especially as you live next door to his family but miles from yours. Is there any chance of moving back to your area?

And yes, this is a typical way for people to behave when they are cheating but treading water.

@wobblywinelover
Honestly I severely doubt it because of covid and restrictions. More likely is he just cant be fucked.

I asked him to do something yesterday (his day off) which literally took 30 seconds. It involved lifting something. The reason I asked him is he could lift it much more easily than me. I said "I would do it myself but its complicated the way its arranged". He said "yeah it is". And didnt do it. In the end I just did it - I should have just done it myself to start with. It was such a small thing. But the reason I feel hurt is I literally ask him for nothing. I mean nothing.

I dont know. Maybe I am being pathetic. I get that it sounds all about me @Winederlust but I think it's because I feel so isolated with lockdown. His work allows him to get out and he sees his brother and mum every day. I can't because of geography and because my job means I have to stay at home. So whilst I'm not being needy I do need him to be a partner to me and at least talk to me. Otherwise I am like in solitary confinement which is one thing when you're single and another thing when you are meant to be with someone.

Okay well I was going to tackle it again but he has fallen asleep on the couch, probably because he smoked a small joint

All you can do is take him at his word, step away and do the things you need to feel relaxed and take care of yourself. You've offered help, you've tried to reach out, you've shared how you feel and he's been clear he wants you to stop and step away - fair enough, but you can't bring more than 50% of the relationship to the table. Either he will make the effort to help himself and save his relationship or he won't, and it's his decision now. Your decision is how long you're prepared to give him to work out what he wants before you need to move on and find a relationship that works better for you.

@Starlight39
Yeah I know it points to that but honestly with the hours and lockdown I really dont think it's possible. Plus hes never on his phone. So I dont think so. But you can still be checking out of a relationship without cheating I guess

So he smokes weed. So he's one of those boring blokes that can't be bovvered to do nuffin'.

Hope I didn't come across that your feelings don't matter OP, they do! I don't think you sound needy either, I just think sometimes you have to come at things from a different angle to try and get a conversation going.

He's fallen out of love with you imo. Sounds like he is struggling to tell you.

@CrotchBurn this "stop, dont even try that you're just going to make me feel more tense again when I was starting to get a bit more relaxed" just leave. Run, actually.

Emotional blanking only gets worse and he'll blame you in the end. Been there, it hurts more every day, every week, every month.

@1FootInTheRave
That's what I think instinctively.

@ZooKeeper19
How long did it last for you and how did it unfold in the end?

If this is indeed the case, it pisses me off to be put in the position of the one having to resolve it

I don't know. He could be depressed. He could just have lost interest in the relationship? How is he with other people?

He sounds charming smokes weed doesn’t want to discuss things with you, you are worth much more

Do you smoke weed op?

While I was trying to work out a tactful way to say it, @1FootInTheRave beat me to it.

I have been the 'your boyfriend' in this scenario, OP. I wouldn't want to minimise depression if this is a possibility - but my behaviour towards both the men in question was exactly as you describe.

I had simply fallen out of love with them, and couldn't quite bring myself to say so. It would have been better for me just to tell them, but I'm rubbish about talking about my feelings.

Ah weed.... explains it - can't be bothered type
Sit around feeling tense.
No sex
Won't talk about things.
He doesn't love you, he doesn't even fancy you.

Cannot be bothered.
Total waste of space - get out and don't look back.

This is exactly what my ex did before he walked out. I would have hoped he would have the guts to tell me he was off after a 20 year marriage but no it was this carry on then he just left.
His head had been turned by a fetish group and he left to go join their circus.

He doesnt fancy you at all.

@june2007 No I dont

Thinking further, OP, I had affairs in both cases, rather than being honest (I didn't say this before, as I know I'll be flamed for it, but it might be relevant to you).

In the first case, the long-term boyfriend concerned gave me an ultimatum (namely that I needed to be a proper partner, or I needed to give him chance to find someone else). That (rightly) forced my hand, and we split up. If he hadn't done that, I'd have dribbled along, I think.

The second was more complicated, as we were married for a very long time and had children.

I didn't smoke weed, though!