He doesn't give a shit does he?

[CrotchBurn]

Hasnt hugged me or properly engaged with me in about 3 months now.

Tries to have half hearted sex with me, although to be fair I'd say it's been about 3 weeks that he hasnt even tried that.

When I try and tackle it he just says "it's not you, I'm just feeling tense lately".

Starting to get fed up now. Hes not acting like hes particularly depressed or anything. Just kind of mooching around. I just went up to him to kiss him, thought I would try a bit of tenderness - I do every day, although obviously I've pared it back lately because theres only so much you can do without feeling like a loser. He just lay there on the sofa unmoving and smiled at me.

I feel a bit pissed off now. Just say what's on your mind or make an effort?

What do you think? I can feel the beginning of a fight start coming up in me.

And I wish I’d said the same thing to myself and avoided the last 10 (yes 10) miserable years of my marriage

I dont really care whether its depression or lack of interest in me or a combination of both. I think hes a fucking dickhead

Just leave, for everyone's sake. There's no saving this.

I too think he’s a fucking dickhead OP and I’d tell him to his face if you were my sister!

Yeah I think you got it in one @ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

It doesnt really matter what the reason is. I dont like this feeling and I dont think it's right. I will need to spend a few days thinking about what my next move is.

All I can say is thanks. It's great having a bunch of objective women to weigh in on stuff like this.

He thinks his feelings are more important than yours.

Put yourself first, whatever that means for you, but I suspect it is leaving him.

@crotchburn
It's easy for some of us, we've either lived it and/or witnessed it.
The very hard part is breaking away from it.
Know your worth.

Why is it so hard to break away from though? It really is. I suppose theres always the hope in you

I think sometimes romantic love can be too unconditional for its own good. It’s very hard to separate mentally and consider your best interests, but I think you need to.

Best of luck OP

But when you are hoping they will change personality or - even harder - stop smoking weed, then you know that there's no point in hoping.

Very wise Hollow and Imeating. Thank you x

Hey OP - just reading your thread. Been there with a miserable weedsmoking dickhead, got the fucking t-shirt. In my experiance they'll grind you down with their coldness and their agression, defensiveness and gaslighting when you try to address it till your last bit of hope dies. Its absolutely not you making him like this and tbh does it really matter what the reason he's like this is? If he can't be a decent human being whats the difference really? Make your plans to go, and do it before lockdown starts on Thursday if you can. Very best of luck.

Nearly 4 years is a long time.

ImEating and Hollow are right.
Knowing that won't make it any easier for you though.

Has he been having an affair maybe and can’t carry on anymore due to COVID restrictions? I hope not but this could be your answer especially since he has started to communicate less since the beginning of the year.

@CrotchBurn it was a year almost, no intimacy, just "I'm tired/busy at work/not in the mood" and even if I tried it made things worse.

In the end he left (well he dumped me in another country and went home) so it made me a complete train wreck, suicidal, depressed and all.

Turns out I made a lucky escape as that guy was just not right (for many other reasons too). It is not a rule but men are cowards; if he is cold towards you he already has a plan B, whatever that is.

I'd evaluate, calmly, plan ahead and just get support from a friend or family and go; maybe not in a vile disrespectful childish way I'd have done 15 years ago but still leaving is your best option.

Love goes both ways and relationships are about emotions, if it's missing then one is suffering and that is not really the point of life, is it.

He’s using feeling depressed as an excuse hoping you’ll just shut up and let him carry on. He’s already emotionally distanced himself from you. The next move is get you so emotional that you start crying and questioning him. Then he can up and move onto the next kind hearted girl whilst labelling you as the crazy and needy ex! And you’re left thinking well what the hell just happened!! Best of luck Op

Hi op was reading this literally wondering if your partner is in fact my ex. Scarily similar. Been together 4 years albeit on and off. Off again as of last week and not spoken since. He definitely will not reach out either. He barely touched me at all and when he did sex was half hearted.. pushed me away when I was affectionate and always falling asleep on the sofa after smoking a joint .. then getting back up to smoke more when he woke up. No kids either Difference is we don’t live together (because he wouldn’t) probably for the best though. Tried to ask him what was wrong and he just would brush it off and say he’s fine .. then it I blew up about something he’d then bring up how he’s feeling like x y z .. then calm down and never mention it again when I ask to talk about it. I don’t have any advice just to let you know I have been here as well. I do miss him but there is no life in our Rship and I couldn’t do it anymore I felt more alone with him sitting Next to me than I do when he’s not

The worst part in all this is I know I cant talk to him about it because he will just brush me off, or if I insist no matter how gently he will then get annoyed with me and tell me I'm self centred.

He tells you you're self centred if you try to gently talk about your feelings and the relationship? That's not someone who's depressed, that's an arsehole.

You deserve to be with someone who gives you respect, admiration, love, affection, fun, support.

Tell him it's over.

@CrotchBurn

Okay well I was going to tackle it again but he has fallen asleep on the couch, probably because he smoked a small joint

This would (and has been) the end for me. He has given up on the relationship and yoiu would do better to go back to where your family are

Take care

Do it before lockdown. Go go go. You work from home right? So you can work from another home? Don't agonise. There is nothing to save here it's a waste of your time and energy and love. Get the hell out of there and when you're away I promise you'll only wonder why you didn't do it earlier. Good luck. Xxx

christ he sounds vile... please OP head for home

@CrotchBurn FFS Leave. Do you really want a life of misery with this man?

And why do people on here always assume it's 'depression?' (When a man is being cold and unloving and miserable.) I am so sick of seeing this. It's not always DEPRESSION!

He is almost definitely cheating, and is too cowardly to tell you. He is hoping you will get fed up of him and end it. Save him having to do it.

And 4 years is NOT a long relationship. Leave before lockdown. Don't be trapped with this man.

He is a lost cause Op, if you stay you will just end up even more miserable and frustrated. Please don't waste any more of your precious life trying to make him love you, just leave and make a new life for yourself.

And why do people on here always assume it's 'depression?' (When a man is being cold and unloving and miserable.) I am so sick of seeing this. It's not always DEPRESSION!* * 

agreed..

If you met him now, would you commit to him as he is? If not, it's time to end it, because he's not willing to change and waiting won't fix things - you've given it more than long enough.

It sounds as if he's lost interest and wants to end it but hasn't the courage or energy, so he's freezing you out to force you to leave him.

Sooner rather than later, I think. He isn't exactly filling your life with joy and contentment, is he?

Depression or not, you don't need to accept this behaviour.

Don't get into the sunken cost fallacy trap.... if you can WFH...then go back to your family for lockdown and work from there.

Leave him to be miserable on his own.