To have had enough of the stupid expectations people have of step parents?

[YarToTheNar]

And how no one seems to be able to accept that everyone's situation is different.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

I'm so sick of the rigid expectations people put on (mainly) women step parents without any appreciation for the fact that it isn't usually solely down to the step parent how the relationship turns out.

You see people talking about how SMs should leave everything equally in their wills for example because 'you're a family now', or acting like it's a cardinal sin if a woman admits she finds her SC hard to deal with or doesn't love them as much as her own children.

The amount of times I see ex wives and step mothers being played off against each other is maddening, almost as maddening as how often the step mother falls into the trap of doing all the shit work so Dad doesn't have to.

People act like it's impossible to be a good person and even a good step mother unless you absolutely 100% dote on the children and love them unconditionally and provide for them exactly as you would your own (always financially obviously) but in the same breath expect you not to step on anyone's toes, back off, don't get too involved.

And the 'what if they were your kids' argument really winds me up. Because it's totally irrelevant. They aren't the step parents child and in lots of circumstances where there are two involved parents, you can't always treat them like your own child because you don't have the parental responsibility, or level of control that a parent would have, you don't always get to make the decisions.

Some of the things I see on here and on other platforms is just ludicrous. A step mother was told yesterday on a thread I read that she shouldn't have a pic of her own DC and her husband as her own phone screensaver for Godsake...

Not everyone is in the situation where they have raised step children since 1 years old where they don't see the other parent and you've had to step in and be that person. Lots of people are just trying to navigate a minefield with two involved parents and all the different dynamics that can bring.

You don't need to love your step children like your own children, you don't need to sit in a room sobbing when they leave until they return, you don't need to leave to them equally in your will, you don't need to think everything they do is lovely and perfect, you don't need to accept shit treatment from their parents, you can do things with your own DC, you can have bloody pictures of your own children and so on... Providing you don't stand in the way of contact, are welcoming and friendly why is that not enough? Why do people insist on pressurising (mainly) women in this way?

I actually think it's worse for male SP's as they are expected to actually become the parent in a lot of cases - whereas the female SP is never expected to actually become the children's mother in the same way.

I disagree to be honest. I think a lot of the time, even though the step father may spend more time with the children as their mum is the RP, she's still likely to be doing most of the 'work' involved with parenting, whereas you see it all the time where step mothers are essentially expected to step in as mum when the kids are at their dads, doing school runs, cooking all the meals, packed lunches, and so on...

I think both males and females have a bad rap as Step parents but in different ways.

Fairy tales with the evil step mother doesn't help and as @Wannakisstheteacher says Step fathers are usually required to become Dad!

Step parenting is a tough job trying to step up to the plate; you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't!

I agree OP. My partner has kids and I don’t, however I’ve often been made to feel like I should love his kids like they are my own.

I don’t and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it.

I agree with Wannakisstheteacher

My ex sees our kids once a fortnight so anyone he gets with is hardly going to play much of a role (if any) in the children’s
Lives. Must men only see their kids every other weekend I don’t know anyone that does 50/50 irl and I don’t think it’s that common. So any man dating a single mum is going to have a bigger role in the children’s lives IMO.

On another note me and my sister don’t have the same dad and when he got with my mum and had me even after they broke up he was expected to take her as well as me. She called him dad and even now she still does. How many children see the step mum as their mum? Lots of fathers are absent so a lot of step fathers do end up being “dad”

I am not a step parent. But although I do agree with you, I find some people hold those views you mention but a lot of people have more balanced views. For example there were a lot of threads in lockdown from step mothers saying they were working from home and, as the step kids mother and father were working outside the home, the step mother was expected to look after the step kids and do all the home schooling...and those threads' responses were mainly along the lines of 'it's up to the parents to take annual leave or sort out alternative childcare, not your child not your problem'. So although I see where you are coming from, I think a lot of people already agree with you, from what I see (though I can see how the ones that aren't, are maddening).

I do sometimes see threads where the step parent isn't doing any wrong actually wrong but it will have a knock on effect on their step child and its relationship with their parent (eg step mother wants the step child to move rooms for a new baby and it will in all likelihood make them feel pushed out).

I think like you say as well, every step parent situation is unique, from the ages of the children, how long the step parent has been in their lives, how much time they spend at step parents house and the level of involvement of both parents. I'd expect a step parent who has their step child living with them full time from a young age, to have a different relationship to a step parent who has their teen step children every other weekend

I agree re stepdads. Step-mum’s often only have to see the SC once a week if that whereas step-dads often live with the children and have to take on the main parenting role.

I actually think it's worse for male SP's as they are expected to actually become the parent in a lot of cases - whereas the female SP is never expected to actually become the children's mother in the same way.

You’re kidding, right?

When a woman gets with a man, he leaves everything to her.
When a man gets with a woman, he just fits in and the woman carries on being a mum to her children.

In the cases where the nrp barely ever sees his children then it’s not as bad, but there are a hell of a lot of nrps who see their children a lot more than once a month and who palm their children off to their partner and leave her to do the donkey work for children who aren’t hers.

Also, a stepdad doesn’t go on maternity leave for 9 months. When a stepmum goes on maternity leave, everyone including the ex wife thinks the SM is now the default childcare provider and can look after the stepchildren to save everyone some money.

There is a difference and it’s all down to sex stereotyping and the expectations placed on to men and women.

All stepdads need to do is play on the Xbox with the stepchildren all they’re seen as bloody marvellous. The standards are soooo much lower. Stepmums have to confess their undying love to their stepchildren and treat them better than their own children and that’s not where it ends.

Stepdads have to contribute more financially, but that’s the choice they make when they get with a resident parent. I have absolutely no sympathy for ex wives who cry about non resident stepparents not putting their hands in their pockets to pay the ex wife’s bills just because the resident stepparent has to. They bloody live there!

I completely agree with you.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children

I see variations of this ^ on step-parent threads on here all the time. I think that if there are two present and involved parents in the child’s life already, then it’s actually really unboundaried and inappropriate to treat a step child ‘as your own.

A step-family is its own unique dynamic and should be treated as such. It’s unrealistic to pretend it can or should replicate a biological family unit.

This is again where it comes down to everyone's situation being different then I guess.

In my own situation, my husband shares equal custody and has done since before I met him, in fact quite often the children are here more than they are at their mums.

I myself fell into the trap of thinking I had to run around and 'play mum', doing school runs and making lunches, taking time off, looking after them on mum's days so she could go out etc...

My husbands ex has a live in partner and surprisingly he's never don't a single school run or looked after the children alone. Not that I expect him to but my situation has definitely not been a case of 'step dad parents and step mum doesn't'. I ended up feeling like I was doing more than both parents at one point and had to take a huge step back.

Stepdads just aren’t held to the same standards and expectations as stepmums.

Stepdads are even “allowed” time with their own children! Going by the threads on mumsnet, dads are allowed to do that. If a stepmum spends time with her own children an evil witch!

*she’s an evil witch

I'm sure there are a greater number of step dads who take on a father role considering men are more likely to be absent parents than mothers. But certainly, on here, it seems to be a common theme that women (and I guess it's the demographic of the site alongside societal norms) should love like X Y or Z, do this but don't do that etc... and it seems to me there is a far higher number of mothers and step mothers that have issues with each other than there are father's and step dads.

And I don't think, in the society we live, taking on a 'father role' is the same as taking on a mother one. For all the reasons already said.

That’s partly because the ex wife is having an influence over the stepmum through the things she says and does. Thinking she’s her boss and quick to pick out “faults”. That phone background you mentioned is a very good example of the crap that stepmums have to put up with!

The ex husband very rarely has an influence over the stepdad and just leaves him alone.

I actually broke up with someone I really cared about because I wasn’t prepared to be a hands-on stepmother. I had no desire to have my own children at that point so why would I want to be a mother to someone else’s? I knew I’d end up with at least some parenting dumped on my lap and I couldn’t be bothered. Not my kid, not my problem. It would have been unfair if I’d stuck around and refused to parent though. When you become a stepmother you’re knowingly signing up for that. You don’t necessarily have to love them but you do have to go through the motions.

Don't get me wrong, I don't subscribe to the idea that all exes are horrible the same I don't subscribe the idea that all step mothers are evil. But there definitely does seem to be more fall outs and drama between mum's and step mums than dad's and step father's (in my experience).

And people are always very quick to excuse behaviour from one but not the other

@TigerBrite exactly all of this. I am reluctant to date men with children, l will only date them if the children are grown up I.e. 21+

I think it just comes down to your own situation. Like you say op .

Im a full time stepmum to a 17 year old .

It has not been by any means easy. But I do think step mother's come off worst especially if you read enough post on MN. you could be the nicest step mother in the world but when you say the word step mother your instantly put into the same box as the old story tales and are probably poisoning a couple of granny smiths whilst you type.

I agree with a lot of that, but at the same time I am appalled by how some SP treat their stepkids and think its perfectly fine, and how many are completely unable to see anything from the kids point of view.

A thread recently a SM calling her very young step children names and complaining that they weren't immediately delighted at her pregnancy, she thought she was a wonderful SM, completely deluded. And when pointed out to her, lots of other piling in saying ignore them, they don't have a clue, step parenting is the hardest thing ever (even though it was other Step parents commenting!)

There are great step parents. There are terrible step parents. There are half arsed ones, deluded ones, not too bad ones, the best ones. I wouldn't be a good step-mother, so I wouldn't ever be one. Some others should have decided the same.

I agree with you but I'm often stunned about how naïve people are with regards to the difficulties of blended families. You often see threads when there are already multiple kids between the two and then they decide to have a few more of their own to throw into the mix and wonder why there are problems
I would never ever date someone with small kids for that very reason.

You don’t necessarily have to love them but you do have to go through the motions

This is where it differs imo though. Because going through the motions as a mother and going through them as a father are unfortunately still very unequal.

Essentially what it leads to if mum doing the drudge work at her house and SM doing it at dads.

I don't think there is anything wrong with step parents not being expected to do much parenting. It avoids letting off the actual parent from doing it.

I just hated the whole mantra of stepPARENT!
I never felt I was a parent to DSS - he was 8 when I first met him.

I didn't want to be an other parent to him, he had his mum and dad for that.

I consider myself more of a (fun) aunty. We have days out, holidays and so much more! He is in his 20's now and we still have a good relationship... there are things from his teenage years, that as a parent would need actions. As an aunt I was able to mitigate the impact for him. We also had the usual jealously & resentment going... again, by not parenting him , I was able to reassure him and get him on my side.
Obviously this is my own experience, with an older child...

Don't get me wrong, I don't subscribe to the idea that all exes are horrible the same I don't subscribe the idea that all step mothers are evil.

Oh I know that. I know a few people who are lovely with their exes and their ex’s partners. My best friend is a shining example of that. They do exist!

But I had a dreadful experience with my ex’s ex wife and I’ve seen countless threads on here which confirm to me that there are some deluded and bitter exes out there and they are why I will always avoid a man with children like the plague.