To have had enough of the stupid expectations people have of step parents?

[YarToTheNar]

And how no one seems to be able to accept that everyone's situation is different.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

I'm so sick of the rigid expectations people put on (mainly) women step parents without any appreciation for the fact that it isn't usually solely down to the step parent how the relationship turns out.

You see people talking about how SMs should leave everything equally in their wills for example because 'you're a family now', or acting like it's a cardinal sin if a woman admits she finds her SC hard to deal with or doesn't love them as much as her own children.

The amount of times I see ex wives and step mothers being played off against each other is maddening, almost as maddening as how often the step mother falls into the trap of doing all the shit work so Dad doesn't have to.

People act like it's impossible to be a good person and even a good step mother unless you absolutely 100% dote on the children and love them unconditionally and provide for them exactly as you would your own (always financially obviously) but in the same breath expect you not to step on anyone's toes, back off, don't get too involved.

And the 'what if they were your kids' argument really winds me up. Because it's totally irrelevant. They aren't the step parents child and in lots of circumstances where there are two involved parents, you can't always treat them like your own child because you don't have the parental responsibility, or level of control that a parent would have, you don't always get to make the decisions.

Some of the things I see on here and on other platforms is just ludicrous. A step mother was told yesterday on a thread I read that she shouldn't have a pic of her own DC and her husband as her own phone screensaver for Godsake...

Not everyone is in the situation where they have raised step children since 1 years old where they don't see the other parent and you've had to step in and be that person. Lots of people are just trying to navigate a minefield with two involved parents and all the different dynamics that can bring.

You don't need to love your step children like your own children, you don't need to sit in a room sobbing when they leave until they return, you don't need to leave to them equally in your will, you don't need to think everything they do is lovely and perfect, you don't need to accept shit treatment from their parents, you can do things with your own DC, you can have bloody pictures of your own children and so on... Providing you don't stand in the way of contact, are welcoming and friendly why is that not enough? Why do people insist on pressurising (mainly) women in this way?

I was 20 so really had my whole life ahead of me and yet I picked a man with a child. If my daughter ever chooses a man with children, especially when young like I was, I’d actually be extremely worried for her.

Wow...my DD is 20 now and I can't even imagine her getting into a relationship with a man with kids.

I'd be more than worried and would actively discourage and be against it, because there are way too many issues that need to be considered.

From aged 19 when getting into relationships, my reasons for not considering men with children, were not wanting an Ex to be a permanent element of my relationship, wanting any future household income to remain in our house and wanting it to be the first time both of us were getting married, and formy first chiid to be his first child too.

Now I read the stepparents board and see that they are so many other reasons to avoid it.

Obviously if you have kids yourself, then I don't think it's so easy to avoid it, as men without kids may also have a similar mindset.

Callardandbowser

I will only give my daughter 1 piece of advice ever and it will be to not get involved with a person who has children.
Ever.

I agree...except if she was single at 40...realistically it's more of a challenge and her options would not be what they were in her 20s and 30s.

If a step-parent is being taken advantage of or exploited, the question is always, "What arrangements would you make for your children if I didn't exist?" With a corollary of, "Do that, then."

I’m late 40s and seeing a guy with two teenagers. I’ve made it clear that I’m not a parent or step parent - they have two parents. I’m dad’s girlfriend.

I adore the guy but I won’t marry him and I won’t live with him or own property with him. I have two child free friends whose marriages are on slightly rocky ground at the moment because they refused to do mirror wills to leave all their assets to the step kids. I’m the same - I am a doting auntie and godmother to six kids who have been in my life for the last 20-odd years. If I die before him I want to make sure they are looked after. I don’t want all my money, house, pension to go to two kids who haven’t known me for as long. I’m not saying they won’t be in my will, but they have two solvent parents who they will inherit from while some of the other kids in my life, who have brought me so much joy, won’t inherit anything unless it comes from me. He sometimes says I’m being unromantic but I’m just being sensible and fair.

YANBU. Some of the stuff I read on here is stupid. It's a child, not a god in human form.

I have three wishes for my DC's stepmum:

• Keep being nice to my kids (most important);
• Stop getting them to call you mum/mummy;
• Stop giving me evils when I wave and say hello.

I don't think any of those are particularly exacting requirements. Evils and other nastiness to me aside, I think she's an excellent stepmum to the kids and they love her so I'm grateful.

Wow...my DD is 20 now and I can't even imagine her getting into a relationship with a man with kids.

I bet my parents thought the same! They never said anything though. One of my friends the same age did asked me at the time though: “do you really want a man with baggage?”
Smart girl.

Anyway, life lessons learned now. No more men with children. I can go through my life without ever being tempted.
I don’t actually regret my relationship with my ex as I wouldn’t have my children. I just wish the whole thing could have been a bit easier!

But yeah, 20 was very young. It’s definitely not something I want for my children when they’re adults, especially my daughter.

In many ways being a step parent is a no win situation. Whilst on one hand you are meant to love them as your own you don't get to make or be part of any of the key decisions that parents have eg education, health care. But then when it comes to wills and inheritance it's straight back to "treat them as your own". I am very fond of my SD but I don't love her the same way as my own DC. I intend to leave my estate to just my DC which DH is unimpressed by as he thinks they should all inherit equally.

If you've agreed to date someone with children then they are going to be a big part of your life and if you dismiss them then you will be seen as selfish and the relationship is not likely to last as people with children come as a package.
I would personally just walk away and not get involved with step kids if you are in your 20s and 30s,it is never worth all the hassle and sacrifice you would have to make to accommodate someone else's kids into a relationship if you do not have your own allready. Especially if you like doing adult only things - holidays outside of term time, random date nights, weekends away, cruises, festivals, sure they may be able to get childcare sometimes, but more often than not they can not and so you will be held back by them.

Also Really can't understand people leaving their assets to step children, they are not your children, they have a mum and dad who they will inherit off, surely you would make sure your own family inherit what you have worked hard for throughout your life.

Yanbu at all. My stepson is 4 and lives with us the majority of the time. It was incredibly upsetting for him to tell me he wanted me to be sad and wanted me to die and wanted my baby (when I was pregnant) to die and tried kicking my tummy. Me and dp couldn't understand it as I've been in his life since he was 10 months old. Dps ex dumped him when she was pregnant as she met someone else.

Dp asked why he felt that way and he said his mum told him to say it. She admitted to saying it too. If he is asked to do anything even something fun, for example to do an Easter egg hunt he will hurt anyone in his path and scream. It isn't his fault but we can't take our eye off him and our 1yo as he will hurt her. He's also been caught numerous times hurting himself and blaming my eldest. Dp has spoken to the GP but as he isn't the mother they won't do anything

Dss mum is fine with me every time she wants extra time away from him tho (we have him 6 on 2 off for want of better terminology).

I intend to leave my estate to just my DC which DH is unimpressed by as he thinks they should all inherit equally

I do not understand this at all. It is so incredibly entitled. Imo children have two parents to inherit from. If a step parent wants to leave something to their step children that is absolutely their choice but it should never be expected.

My child will not inherit less from me because of my step children, no way. Each child involved has two parents, they just happen to be different mothers.

I intend to leave my estate to just my DC which DH is unimpressed by as he thinks they should all inherit equally

I think there’s more than one way of arriving at “equal”.

To me, equal looks like all the children born to two parents inheriting the same from their two parents. To others, equal looks like all the children of two people in a marriage/LTR inheriting the same, regardless of parentage.
That would be wrong in my situation as DSDs mother is here and DSD doesn’t live with us. Maybe if I was her only mother figure and has assumed any responsibility for her in life, I’d feel differently about leaving her my money in death.

@AllsortsofAwkward

I Agree is Wannakisstheteacher i think male step parents have it worse they tend to be more involved and live majority of the time with the dc often of they provided financially aswell. They also tend to take on a more active role and more tolerable then step moms. I've seen some vile posts from step mothers treating the step children like second class citizens. Thankfully ds has a decent step mother and my dh is a decent step father.

As a stepdad all of this is true except for it being 'worse.' I think it's far easier that they live here most of the time (except every other weekend) and I've been able to form a proper familial bond with them.

One other thing (because I do believe stepmums have 99% worse) is that I often see the "they have two parents so they don't need me to parent" thing. Stepdads are probably more likely to have stepkids who had/have an absent, unengaged father.

My eldest stepdaughter had started to have playdates a few months before I met her and was painfully aware of how her friend's dads were there - not just still with their mum but really there, taking part in activities etc. She could still remember her dad spending most evenings locked in his workshop (not doing anything, just drinking and smoking and playing on his phone mainly.) I couldn't see that I could do less than try and set an example of what level of input and engagement she should expect from a future partner.

NewLevelsOfTiredness you’ve explained it very well the differences and why the dynamics are different.
Stepdads just fit nicely in to the family unit and they’re able to function almost like a nice nuclear family unit because the children are there more.

Also, stepdads most of the time do not have their lives directly influenced by the ex husband. What I mean by this is, the stepdad’s household is the household most in charge when it comes to his dsc as that’s where the rp lives. Most of the time. So, the ex husband doesn’t give opinions and instructions on how the stepdad’s household should function. The stepmum’s household is bossed about a bit more and for me that’s what I could not stand when I was a stepmum. Some other woman telling me how to live my life. Stepdads don’t have to put up with stuff like that from the ex husband.

I also would hate to see my daughter's settle for a man with children.

I think far too many avoidant fathers quickly rope in another woman to do the job they simply are too lazy to do.

The expectations on SM's seems enormous on here and disproportionate.

It strikes me as utterly thankless.

I also feel huge sympathy for some children who may also feel unwanted.

The stories of second family's often read as horror stories too.

Women need to be very firm and have strong characters before contemplating a future with an existing family.

I'm sure it can work but only if the SM in particular is very clear on her boundaries.

@funinthesun19 He actually does tell my partner that he wants me to be stricter and shout at the girls more She likes that I don't shout, funnily enough...

But yeah, a stepmum I know had the mum break into their house and try and throttle her, so we're definitely talking about different levels of shit to put with here!

I think step parents are in a very unenivable position in lots of ways. Because you aren't their parents but are expected to take on a lot of or some of the responsibilities of actual parents. you tend to be the party who is on the receiving end of any backlash from family dramas etc. I don't think you have to drop everything for your SC, however I think at the same time you should put in a certain amount of effort - as the children are in an awkward position too completely not of their making or choosing and assuming you wish the relationship with the other half to flourish, you would surely want to get on well with them. Also for your partner's sake so it is easier for them to see their children. I have a step mother and sadly the relationship is not a great one - despite my efforts and it really has impacted my relationship with my father. Obviously he has to own responsibility for that too but I would like to think if I ever was SM - I would make a big effort for the SC to be a part of the family.

@funinthesun19 He actually does tell my partner that he wants me to be stricter and shout at the girls more hmm She likes that I don't shout, funnily enough...

Well I’d say he’s the exception and not the rule.

My ex never used to interfere with his ex wife’s household. But she sure as hell used to interfere with ours.

Agree OP. My partners kids are his to deal with. I'll happily go along for days out and watch movies, play games etc. but I don't do parent stuff with or for them. I most definately don't deal with their tantrums or babysit. Obviously I'll get them a drink but I've never made them dinner (I don't live with their dad who I have been with for 4 nearly 5 years). They call my kids their step brothers though so they obviously like them which is nice. We have a good balance. I see them for fun times 😂

They only see their dad at weekends though

It’s easy for you to laugh at him and say fuck off to him too. Because he’s not in control. But if the stepmum speaks up for herself then the mum can use it as leverage to stop contact or run to the CMS or something. Or just shame her to everyone who will listen.

My stepkids lived with us. We had our two kids and a 15 year gap and then his. Their actual mother was nearby and I never felt anything like a mother. Sure I did laundry and cooked, but never felt responsible for checking homework or disciplining them - their dad was able to do that (they were always respectful to me). I was there and supportive and never said a bad word about their mother. But it was not a relationship anything like what I have with my own kids.