To have had enough of the stupid expectations people have of step parents?

[YarToTheNar]

And how no one seems to be able to accept that everyone's situation is different.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

I'm so sick of the rigid expectations people put on (mainly) women step parents without any appreciation for the fact that it isn't usually solely down to the step parent how the relationship turns out.

You see people talking about how SMs should leave everything equally in their wills for example because 'you're a family now', or acting like it's a cardinal sin if a woman admits she finds her SC hard to deal with or doesn't love them as much as her own children.

The amount of times I see ex wives and step mothers being played off against each other is maddening, almost as maddening as how often the step mother falls into the trap of doing all the shit work so Dad doesn't have to.

People act like it's impossible to be a good person and even a good step mother unless you absolutely 100% dote on the children and love them unconditionally and provide for them exactly as you would your own (always financially obviously) but in the same breath expect you not to step on anyone's toes, back off, don't get too involved.

And the 'what if they were your kids' argument really winds me up. Because it's totally irrelevant. They aren't the step parents child and in lots of circumstances where there are two involved parents, you can't always treat them like your own child because you don't have the parental responsibility, or level of control that a parent would have, you don't always get to make the decisions.

Some of the things I see on here and on other platforms is just ludicrous. A step mother was told yesterday on a thread I read that she shouldn't have a pic of her own DC and her husband as her own phone screensaver for Godsake...

Not everyone is in the situation where they have raised step children since 1 years old where they don't see the other parent and you've had to step in and be that person. Lots of people are just trying to navigate a minefield with two involved parents and all the different dynamics that can bring.

You don't need to love your step children like your own children, you don't need to sit in a room sobbing when they leave until they return, you don't need to leave to them equally in your will, you don't need to think everything they do is lovely and perfect, you don't need to accept shit treatment from their parents, you can do things with your own DC, you can have bloody pictures of your own children and so on... Providing you don't stand in the way of contact, are welcoming and friendly why is that not enough? Why do people insist on pressurising (mainly) women in this way?

Family member married a divorced man with pre-teen children, making clear that she was non-maternal and had no wish for children of her own. Contact arrangement is eow and working happily, but children's father works away and relative found there was an assumption on those weekends that she would step in and provide free childcare so the DSC's mother could continue to have her childfree weekends away with the now live-in partner she cheated on ex with and left him for. Quite a lot of pressure and guilt tripping was applied all round with the new DH admitting he thought she'd change her mind once married, despite what they'd agreed beforehand. DSC's mother moans passive-aggressively on social media and posts memes of wicked stepmothers, as if that is going to persuade anyone to fall in line.

Um, how about no?!

I actually think a lot of the issues surrounding step parents would be resolved if more were allowed to take a step back from actual parenting and see themselves as just a fun, friendly adult.

I think a lot of exes would prefer it and kids too if it meant less drama between their parents. But no, it's not enough for a lot of people.

Children come first, always.

This is the case in absolutely all individual situations.

It never waivers.

If a step-parent is not up to that, they need to step aside.

If i said all teenagers are arseholes who only think of themselves, and you were a lovely teenager, you'd still be offended wouldn't you?

No, as it wouldn't mean anything to me. But you should read before ranting, as I didn't say all step parents think only of themselves, thats what you think I said. Look again.
Funny that you're defensive enough to read it wrong and then get offended though.

@YardleyX

Children come first, always.

This is the case in absolutely all individual situations.

It never waivers.

If a step-parent is not up to that, they need to step aside.

But what does this mean in the context of the thread? Someone not loving a step child like their own doesn't mean they don't come first when needed?

This is the kind of thing that just gets said with no actual substance behind it of why you think people aren't putting children first.

I think there is also sometimes criticism of people being "too picky" if they rule out single parents as partners. This doesn't help, you really should think about whether it's something you could deal with and it's fine if it's not.

YANBU. MN in particular is ridiculous. You're expected to love SC as much if not MORE than your own DC. Also make sure that they get the biggest room - even if your own resident children have to share a box room and the SC visit 4 times a year. Invite them on every trip out and holiday - no matter how unachievable , impractical or expensive. And NEVER EVER EVER tell them off. Even if the punch you in the face and call you a cunt. You knew what you were getting yourself into. It's not your place you're not their mother

I'm a single mum coming up 18 months now, and have absolutely no desire to meet a man with (or without for that matter) children. There's no one in the world if love enough to put up with the politics and stress of being a blended family.

I have 3 'stepchildren' and no children of my own, I met them when their ages ranged from 8 to 16, we're now 10 years on. I never 'mothered' them... they have a very loving and competent mother not too far away and luckily for me their father is also very engaged and parents them well... added to me lacking any maternal instincts!

I took on a more practical role making sure that when they were with us they were fed, watered, clothed and suitably entertained and have always provided a listening ear if needed! When needed to do school runs etc I would always step in as it was such a rare occurrence.

I wouldn't say that I 'love' them.... I like them a lot and really enjoy spending time with them, I have enjoyed watching them grow up and their characters develop.

I do agree that step-parents get a really hard time on mumsnet, but I would also say that in most cases the cause of the step parent's post on mumsnet is that one parent (sometimes both!) is not not stepping up and parenting as they should be.

I actually think a lot of the issues surrounding step parents would be resolved if more were allowed to take a step back from actual parenting and see themselves as just a fun, friendly adult

But often thats not appropriate, or whats best for the children. If you've got your own kids and your step kids, how do you parent one set and act like a fun friend with the others when they're all together, for just one example?

YANBU OP.
DH has four kids. The kids are great, we have one on the way, and we all have a great relationship.

I tell them all the time I'm not their mum, I'm Bun, and I love them very much. I've kind of carved a 'cool aunt' figure in their life. We have them very nearly 50 50

But the vitriol and menace I've had from his ex wife over the last 5 years has made me want to walk away so many times.

Do stepads have the same probelms/expectations? Absolutely not. After all, they stepped up, they took on anothers kids. Ex wife has a partner who seems very hands off indeed, yet she's asked my wage be considered for CMS payments (she has never worked)

It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. YANBU at all.

Can a step-parent's income really be taken into account for CMS?!

@NewlyGranny

Can a step-parent's income really be taken into account for CMS?!

No but some think it should.

Step parents income is also taken into account when applying for university funding.

And it makes a huge difference.

The government very much expect step parents to make significant contributions to the accommodation & living expenses of a university age child.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

If i said all teenagers are arseholes who only think of themselves, and you were a lovely teenager, you'd still be offended wouldn't you?

No, as it wouldn't mean anything to me. But you should read before ranting, as I didn't say all step parents think only of themselves, thats what you think I said. Look again.
Funny that you're defensive enough to read it wrong and then get offended though.

what absolute bollocks.

Yes its so funny that someone would slag off step parents and a step parent would get defensive......

@YardleyX

Children come first, always.

This is the case in absolutely all individual situations.

It never waivers.

If a step-parent is not up to that, they need to step aside.

i don't agree with this either tbh, you have to weigh up situations to what works for the family - not just one member of it.

Yes its so funny that someone would slag off step parents and a step parent would get defensive....

No, its funny that you didn't bother to read what I actually wrote, you saw something different and starting ranting. Suggests you saw what you expected to see, which says more about you than me.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Yes its so funny that someone would slag off step parents and a step parent would get defensive....

No, its funny that you didn't bother to read what I actually wrote, you saw something different and starting ranting. Suggests you saw what you expected to see, which says more about you than me.

No i read what you put, don't worry. I still don't agree with you, i still think it's offensive and i'm pretty sure you're with with some sort of agenda.

It says nothing about me except that i am sick and tired of people like YOU judging, when you clearly know sweet fuck all about being a step parent

It says nothing about me except that i am sick and tired of people like YOU judging, when you clearly know sweet fuck all about being a step parent

I know an awful lot about it, but keep assuming. You do like to assume. If you are so defensive and feel so judged, it suggests you have something to feel defensive about. You should probably deal with that instead of ranting on here

@YouKidsIsCrazy

It says nothing about me except that i am sick and tired of people like YOU judging, when you clearly know sweet fuck all about being a step parent

I know an awful lot about it, but keep assuming. You do like to assume. If you are so defensive and feel so judged, it suggests you have something to feel defensive about. You should probably deal with that instead of ranting on here

Do you really? I doubt it somehow or you wouldn't make comments like you have.

I don't feel personally judged, i have done nothing wrong - but you're judging step parents as a group, which is wrong.

I am defensive, because you are bad mouthing, without basis, a group that i am a part of. I will rant on here all i like, just like you are doing.

Put your armchair psychology book down and stop giving me your shitty faux advice. Take a long hard look at yourself, and ask yourself WHY you feel the need to prove the OP damn right.

Making a generalisation about what tends to happen with a group doesn't mean it has to apply to every single individual in the group. Men tend to be taller than women, it doesn't mean that's true for every individual.

she's still likely to be doing most of the 'work' involved with parenting, whereas you see it all the time where step mothers are essentially expected to step in as mum when the kids are at their dads, doing school runs, cooking all the meals, packed lunches, and so on...
Expected by whom? Usually by the father, not the mum who would much prefer the kids' dad did more with them.

The problem often start because the SM to be wants to impress their new partner showing how well they mix with his little family to win his affection, then when they do, they want to step back whereas he sees it that that's one of the thing that attracted them in the first place.

If SMs made it clear from the go that they wouldn't be cooking, cleaning, babysitting, then surely that situation would never arise.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

That's the thing though isn't it. They are not your own, you don't have PR and should you OH die or you separate you have no legal right to contact with these children unless you are named on a residence or special guardianship order.

I myself fell into the trap of thinking I had to run around and 'play mum', doing school runs and making lunches, taking time off, looking after them on mum's days so she could go out etc...
Just read this. You say it yourself...fell into the trap. Trap set by whom? Yourself, your OH?

Either way, you need to blame your oh or yourself. No one forced you to take on a mum's role.

@dontdisturbmenow

she's still likely to be doing most of the 'work' involved with parenting, whereas you see it all the time where step mothers are essentially expected to step in as mum when the kids are at their dads, doing school runs, cooking all the meals, packed lunches, and so on... Expected by whom? Usually by the father, not the mum who would much prefer the kids' dad did more with them.

The problem often start because the SM to be wants to impress their new partner showing how well they mix with his little family to win his affection, then when they do, they want to step back whereas he sees it that that's one of the thing that attracted them in the first place.

If SMs made it clear from the go that they wouldn't be cooking, cleaning, babysitting, then surely that situation would never arise.

Hollow laugh. I wish this was my experience. It was never my partner who expected me to do it. It was always his ex. If she needed DSS picking up last minute, she knew dp was at work, she would simply tell him that i must pick DSS up because i'm on maternity leave / work part time / whatever. She didn't care who did stuff with DSS as long as it wasn't her.

I never, ever wanted to "impress" dp by mixing with his "little family" puke i, like a prev poster wanted to be the "fun aunt" kinda person.

I made it very clear i wouldn't do any of that, but what can you do when you know that your step child will literally be left at school alone if you dont? i literally had this child dropped at my front door with no prior warnings several times. What can do you do then? close the door?

its hard to say point blank im not doing it sometimes!