To have had enough of the stupid expectations people have of step parents?

[YarToTheNar]

And how no one seems to be able to accept that everyone's situation is different.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

I'm so sick of the rigid expectations people put on (mainly) women step parents without any appreciation for the fact that it isn't usually solely down to the step parent how the relationship turns out.

You see people talking about how SMs should leave everything equally in their wills for example because 'you're a family now', or acting like it's a cardinal sin if a woman admits she finds her SC hard to deal with or doesn't love them as much as her own children.

The amount of times I see ex wives and step mothers being played off against each other is maddening, almost as maddening as how often the step mother falls into the trap of doing all the shit work so Dad doesn't have to.

People act like it's impossible to be a good person and even a good step mother unless you absolutely 100% dote on the children and love them unconditionally and provide for them exactly as you would your own (always financially obviously) but in the same breath expect you not to step on anyone's toes, back off, don't get too involved.

And the 'what if they were your kids' argument really winds me up. Because it's totally irrelevant. They aren't the step parents child and in lots of circumstances where there are two involved parents, you can't always treat them like your own child because you don't have the parental responsibility, or level of control that a parent would have, you don't always get to make the decisions.

Some of the things I see on here and on other platforms is just ludicrous. A step mother was told yesterday on a thread I read that she shouldn't have a pic of her own DC and her husband as her own phone screensaver for Godsake...

Not everyone is in the situation where they have raised step children since 1 years old where they don't see the other parent and you've had to step in and be that person. Lots of people are just trying to navigate a minefield with two involved parents and all the different dynamics that can bring.

You don't need to love your step children like your own children, you don't need to sit in a room sobbing when they leave until they return, you don't need to leave to them equally in your will, you don't need to think everything they do is lovely and perfect, you don't need to accept shit treatment from their parents, you can do things with your own DC, you can have bloody pictures of your own children and so on... Providing you don't stand in the way of contact, are welcoming and friendly why is that not enough? Why do people insist on pressurising (mainly) women in this way?

I don't think there is anything wrong with step parents not being expected to do much parenting. It avoids letting off the actual parent from doing it
That depends though, if there are children who have needs not being met. If they are in your life and your home, you do owe them a duty of care. You don't get to say "not my problem" when you have chosen to bring them into your life.

I do think that step-parents should be secondary to children's actual parents if they're still around. And actual parents should do most of the actual work.
I also don't think that step-parents should be overridden in their own homes.
However, I do think that the children(actual or step) should, on the whole, come first

@YouKidsIsCrazy

I agree with a lot of that, but at the same time I am appalled by how some SP treat their stepkids and think its perfectly fine, and how many are completely unable to see anything from the kids point of view.

A thread recently a SM calling her very young step children names and complaining that they weren't immediately delighted at her pregnancy, she thought she was a wonderful SM, completely deluded. And when pointed out to her, lots of other piling in saying ignore them, they don't have a clue, step parenting is the hardest thing ever (even though it was other Step parents commenting!)

There are great step parents. There are terrible step parents. There are half arsed ones, deluded ones, not too bad ones, the best ones. I wouldn't be a good step-mother, so I wouldn't ever be one. Some others should have decided the same.

Yes there are definitely bad SMs out there, I totally get that. It's the same with anything.

But no one seems to be able to separate the stereotype from the actual reality as another PP said. I've posted before and pretended my SC were my biological children because I knew the responses would be totally different and in some cases, irrelevant.

There just seems to be such a high bar set as to what a 'good' step mother is. It's not enough to let Dad have their time with his kids and be friendly and welcoming. No, you have to love like your own and all the rest of it you see... Any less is just terrible.

However, I do think that the children(actual or step) should, on the whole, come first

In most cases yes.
If it’s an unreasonable expectation placed on to the stepparent like cancelling their plans because the parents want to do something else. Then stepparents need to say no, you put your own child first instead of expecting me to do it for you.

Yabu to think men don’t fully take on the step parent role. My dad is actually my step dad and he has never treated me any differently from my brother. He totally stepped up and took on the role of being my father. You would never know. (And plenty of people don’t know) that he isn’t my biological father.

That being said my step mother is an absolute horrible shitty human being who worked very hard to drive a wedge between my biological father and me. She was ok until she got that ring on her finger and then horrid one she got pregnant. There was no excuse for her behaviour other than jealously.

I honestly don’t think you should get invoked in someone with kids unless you are willing to love them and take on a parenting role, especially if you live with the resident parent.

There are clearly a lot of separated dads who can't wait to move in a partner and palm off as much of the parenting work as possible. You don't seem to see as much of this with separated mums and new partners.

That depends though, if there are children who have needs not being met. If they are in your life and your home, you do owe them a duty of care. You don't get to say "not my problem" when you have chosen to bring them into your life.

I do agree with this. And then the question is, how long does the stepparent put up with this for? The only way they can put a stop to it is to leave.

But no one seems to be able to separate the stereotype from the actual reality as another PP said

i think thats clearly not true. The vast majority of us can comprehend that step parents are not the same as parents, we're not all idiots, thanks

You don't seem to see as much of this with separated mums and new partners.

Ohh I disagree! There are many women who have their children calling their new boyfriend they’ve know 5 minutes “dad” and moving in men they’ve known a couple of months with their kids! It’s actually very very common , I’m on a single parents group on Facebook And see it a lot, claims that their kids “adore” their boyfriend that they’ve been with a matter of weeks who does “more for them than their own dad does”

I've been a stepdad for a few years and it's absolutely true we get immense credit just for existing, and far less criticism. The only shit I've ever gotten from the dad is that he thinks I should be harder on the girls, and raise my voice more. It's not my style.

It might be 'harder' in the sense that that they're with us more (their dad only has them every other weekend.) But on the flip-side of course I've developed a much stronger bond with them than would otherwise be possible.

Their mum and I have one of our own now, and I do think it's easier to be a bit more equal in the love when your 'own' one didn't spend nine months growing in your tummy. I see it as my daughter only being possible because of the warmth with which SDs accepted into their lives anyway (their mum would never have agreed to another child otherwise) and for that I love them in a special and unique way.

I dunno - I think the summary is that stepdads have it way easier.

@Givemeabreak88

You don't seem to see as much of this with separated mums and new partners.

Ohh I disagree! There are many women who have their children calling their new boyfriend they’ve know 5 minutes “dad” and moving in men they’ve known a couple of months with their kids! It’s actually very very common , I’m on a single parents group on Facebook And see it a lot, claims that their kids “adore” their boyfriend that they’ve been with a matter of weeks who does “more for them than their own dad does”

True but I bet its just a title or a chance to play Disney Dad rather than these men actually making packed lunches and remembering the kids appointments.

I think as more and more of us who were step children as becoming adults, the dc’s perspective is coming to light.

I think it’s worth listening to these experiences, good and bad. In fact I’d say they’re the most important voices.

It’s a huge deal to be a step parent, I think people need to think about it very hard before moving in together. It’s not going to be worth it for everyone.

YADNBU.
Just get through it is my advice.
And never post on mn about step parenting if you’re a step parent. I learnt this a long time ago. No sympathy here.

Personally having been raised in a very dysfunctional step family situation, I just would never be in one full stop as I don’t agree with it.

If DH died/ we divorced which is unlikely. I’d rather stay single and just date until DD is older.

Stepdads often take a financial hit, where Stepmums are often dumped with practical parenting.

In pretty much all the issues with blended families, one or more if the adults involved is the actual problem...either the useless dad, the bitter manipulative ex, the unreasonable jealous SM or the SD who doesn't treat the SC nicely and is overly harsh with them.

The poor kids are in the middle of the adults immaturity.

I think as more and more of us who were step children as becoming adults, the dc’s perspective is coming to light

If more step parents listened to that perspective, they might do a better job. In my experience, step parents and parents think far too much about themselves and not nearly enough about the children.

I grew up with wonderful step parents but I knew i would never put ds in that position until he is an adult (still married but if I wasn't) there is no need, dating sure no problems but separate houses till then.

It is a choice and kids come with the parent it is not mandatory you have to move into together.

Kids should come first, it is not a who wins game.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

I think as more and more of us who were step children as becoming adults, the dc’s perspective is coming to light

If more step parents listened to that perspective, they might do a better job. In my experience, step parents and parents think far too much about themselves and not nearly enough about the children.

in my experience that is a load of shite.

As both a step child when i was younger and a step parent - i have all the perspective i need. I tried my absolute hardest and it was never good enough. I mean i still care for DSS but all the shite that has come along with it has made my life hell.

I wouldn't ever do it again.

I actually find your comment pretty offensive because i probably haven't thought about myself in probably the entire relationship - and you know what i wish i bloody had.

Why would you find it offensive unless you identify with the comment? If you don't think it applies to you how can it be offensive to you?

I agree step parenting is a tough job, you seem to be held up to much higher standards of parenting than the regular parent and its difficult to get support that isn't tainted by peoples own projections, especially on this site.
You can see it clearly when I step parent dares to admit they are struggling with a difficult feeling, or a kids challenging behaviour.
No constructive advice, just shaming and 2 + 2 = 25. I have been a SP in the past and I would not have asked for advice here.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Why would you find it offensive unless you identify with the comment? If you don't think it applies to you how can it be offensive to you?

Because you're making a huge generalisation that step parents only think of themselves, which i would say in a good many cases is absolute bullshit. Just because i haven't done that, doesn't mean i can't find it offensive.

If i said all teenagers are arseholes who only think of themselves, and you were a lovely teenager, you'd still be offended wouldn't you?

I actually think it's worse for male SP's as they are expected to actually become the parent in a lot of cases - whereas the female SP is never expected to actually become the children's mother in the same way. I’ve always said this. I also think that it’s one of the reasons why women find step parenting harder than men, because when you get together with someone with kids you only expect to see them every other weekend, at which point you can complain because they’re not really a part of your life, and anything more than that is seen as an imposition. When women sign up to be a step parent they rarely do so on the understanding that the children could come to live with them 24/7 at any time.

Whereas when men do it they know from the outset that the kids live with the new partner, that they’re going to have to fit in with the kids and not the other way around.

I think the poster who said she viewed her role as fun aunt probably has the best solution.

The word 'parent' has so many connotations and probably just best to remove it from the job description of marrying someone with children

Would relieve pressure on all sides.

And also be very wary of marrying a man who is looking for a nanny/housekeeper to his existing children.

Whereas when men do it they know from the outset that the kids live with the new partner, that they’re going to have to fit in with the kids and not the other way around.

This is true, but in a lot of cases all they do is live with them. They don't parent them, cook for them, clean for them, make sure they have clean school uniform etc. They are just "there" iyswim.

For step mums i think it's different - its like we are expected to actually parent the child because that's what women do. But then if you do too much of that you're stepping on toes etc. You can't win!

i was FT step parent and even then i got moaned at because "youre not his mother"

@mrscampbellblackagain

I think the poster who said she viewed her role as fun aunt probably has the best solution.

The word 'parent' has so many connotations and probably just best to remove it from the job description of marrying someone with children

Would relieve pressure on all sides.

And also be very wary of marrying a man who is looking for a nanny/housekeeper to his existing children.

I agree but then you get lots of people saying you can't get with someone with children and not expect to be a parent. You can't win a lot of the time.