To have had enough of the stupid expectations people have of step parents?

[YarToTheNar]

And how no one seems to be able to accept that everyone's situation is different.

All you ever seem to hear is the constant trotting out of 'love like your own', 'they are your children too now', 'what if they were your biological children' etc...

I'm so sick of the rigid expectations people put on (mainly) women step parents without any appreciation for the fact that it isn't usually solely down to the step parent how the relationship turns out.

You see people talking about how SMs should leave everything equally in their wills for example because 'you're a family now', or acting like it's a cardinal sin if a woman admits she finds her SC hard to deal with or doesn't love them as much as her own children.

The amount of times I see ex wives and step mothers being played off against each other is maddening, almost as maddening as how often the step mother falls into the trap of doing all the shit work so Dad doesn't have to.

People act like it's impossible to be a good person and even a good step mother unless you absolutely 100% dote on the children and love them unconditionally and provide for them exactly as you would your own (always financially obviously) but in the same breath expect you not to step on anyone's toes, back off, don't get too involved.

And the 'what if they were your kids' argument really winds me up. Because it's totally irrelevant. They aren't the step parents child and in lots of circumstances where there are two involved parents, you can't always treat them like your own child because you don't have the parental responsibility, or level of control that a parent would have, you don't always get to make the decisions.

Some of the things I see on here and on other platforms is just ludicrous. A step mother was told yesterday on a thread I read that she shouldn't have a pic of her own DC and her husband as her own phone screensaver for Godsake...

Not everyone is in the situation where they have raised step children since 1 years old where they don't see the other parent and you've had to step in and be that person. Lots of people are just trying to navigate a minefield with two involved parents and all the different dynamics that can bring.

You don't need to love your step children like your own children, you don't need to sit in a room sobbing when they leave until they return, you don't need to leave to them equally in your will, you don't need to think everything they do is lovely and perfect, you don't need to accept shit treatment from their parents, you can do things with your own DC, you can have bloody pictures of your own children and so on... Providing you don't stand in the way of contact, are welcoming and friendly why is that not enough? Why do people insist on pressurising (mainly) women in this way?

@SnuggyBuggy

Making a generalisation about what tends to happen with a group doesn't mean it has to apply to every single individual in the group. Men tend to be taller than women, it doesn't mean that's true for every individual.

quite, but i never said that it did.

There are clearly a lot of separated dads who can't wait to move in a partner and palm off as much of the parenting work as possible. You don't seem to see as much of this with separated mums and new partners.

This. Many dads become exes because they don't pull their weight. Splitting up with them is quite often a desperate attempt by the mum to force them to parent and pull their weight. It's not very surprising, therefore, that when this type of man moves in with a new partner, they try to shift the responsibility for the 5%-50% of the time they have the children only their new partner. Even if it means "guilting" their new partner by telling her she needs to be a "good stepmum", i.e. relieve him from the drudgery of actually parenting his own children.

A lot of conflict between mums and stepmums seems to be caused by laziness on the part of dads. It's the stepmums who are doing a lot of the practical parenting and so they're the ones that get the flak from mum, i.e. they're the ones 'doing it wrong', whether it's cooking, cleaning, childcare.

Stepdads, by contrast, tend in my experience to be the sort of men who are more willing to accept the responsibilities that come with living with children (even children who aren't their own). Also, less is asked of them in terms of practical parenting and so they can be much more respectful of children's boundaries than step-mums. Rather than having to run the show and organise family life, they are just there in the background. And there is no tension with step-siblings since mum, who is mostly in charge, is the common parent to all the children.

I accept these are generalisations, just talking from my own experiences/perceptions.

@dontdisturbmenow I think though, as evidenced even on this thread, some people don't think just being a friendly adult and not parenting is enough. If you get with a man with children you have to expect to parent them as well.

The point I was making was that in our society, parenting expected of a woman is different to that expected of a man, it's not right of course and I didn't specify who's fault it was, I think it's a mix of both men and women who allow it to continue, myself included which is why I took a step back and stopped. But you will still get people saying it's wrong to do that because I should have expected to take on that role, I need to treat SC like my own children and so forth.

And I don't think its always the case that mum's don't expect SMs to ever take up any responsibility. I've been asked lots of times to take the children to school on mum's day, or watch them for a bit so she can go and do something etc... I don't mind usually, but funnily her partner is never asked to do the same, there has never been a time when DH has asked their mums partner to drop the kids off at school.

And if it's generally accepted that men are typically the lazier parent, more likely to be absent etc etc... Surely it stands to reason that the same would go for step father's.

As PP said, all a step father usually has to do is play with the kids a bit, be nice and funny and he's seen as absolutely brilliant. I do think a lot more than that is expected of step mothers from my own personal experience and what I've read on places like MN, just as a lot more than that is generally expected of mothers by society as a whole (again, I'm not saying it's right).

I don't think its always the case that mum's don't expect SMs to ever take up any responsibility. I've been asked lots of times to take the children to school on mum's day, or watch them for a bit so she can go and do something etc... I don't mind usually, but funnily her partner is never asked to do the same, there has never been a time when DH has asked their mums partner to drop the kids off at school.

I think it's nice if you can to help each other out. We can fight as much as we like, but depressingly most of the responsibility for raising children seems to end up with women (step-mums or mums). We always seem to be the default. It's that we should be focusing on changing.

I don't think it's wrong of your step-DC's mum to ask you to help (assuming you have a good relationship with her), especially if she has the kids most of the time. But it shouldn't be an expectation and it would be nice if it went both ways occasionally - so she had your DC now and then to give you some time off. After all, the "child-free" time argument only works if there are no DC in the other household.

When I met DH, his DD was 2.5, so I realise that it's a slightly different situation. I treat her like my own and I do love her, but as hard as I try I don't love her as much as my own DD (her half-sister). I'd never tell either child obviously. I agree that some people expected me to take on the role of parent when I married DH, even though her mum has her half the time. Until I had DD, I didn't go out of my way to be DSD's parent - she already has 2. Now that I'm a SAHM I do pick her up from school etc when she's with us and DH is at work, but at the end of the day she's not my child. She's not equal with my biological DC in my will, she's not my phone screensaver, because I'm not her parent.

If you don't want to 'mother' a child, you're a monster in some people's minds.

I mean look at that thread about admitting you wouldn't miss your step children if you left your partner. People were saying it literally made them cry. Why? So long as people are being kind and not coming between Dad and children, why does it matter if a SM doesn't love children like her own or even love them at all?

People get so dramatic about this subject and as PP said, i feel like it's so often (if not always) the adults that cause the problems between themselves.

@MessAllOver

I don't think its always the case that mum's don't expect SMs to ever take up any responsibility. I've been asked lots of times to take the children to school on mum's day, or watch them for a bit so she can go and do something etc... I don't mind usually, but funnily her partner is never asked to do the same, there has never been a time when DH has asked their mums partner to drop the kids off at school.

I think it's nice if you can to help each other out. We can fight as much as we like, but depressingly most of the responsibility for raising children seems to end up with women (step-mums or mums). We always seem to be the default. It's that we should be focusing on changing.

I don't think it's wrong of your step-DC's mum to ask you to help (assuming you have a good relationship with her), especially if she has the kids most of the time. But it shouldn't be an expectation and it would be nice if it went both ways occasionally - so she had your DC now and then to give you some time off. After all, the "child-free" time argument only works if there are no DC in the other household.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I mind. I'm just pointing out that it's never expected of her partner, the kids step dad. It's just an example that I don't think it's always the case that mum doesn't want the SM involved and would be happy for her not to have any responsibility. Some do, and (not in my case thankfully) in some cases on here I've seen it be heavily taken advantage of. A prime example as per PP was the multiple threads during lockdowns of SMs being expected to be childcare for Dad and Mum whilst WFH.

It was always his ex
Do why did you agree? Or was it that she expected (rightly or wrongly) that your OH did the picking up/dropping of but because he couldn't, you did it in his behalf?

Either way, why didn't you say no the first time?

And if it's generally accepted that men are typically the lazier parent, more likely to be absent etc etc... Surely it stands to reason that the same would go for step father's
I don't agree. I think it has expected that when a man earns more working longer hours and his partner benefits from it, that she in exchange share more of her time.

But that's an arrangement between the partners. Yes, there are lazy men, the very reason why they are often available again, but again, it's up to individuals to set their parameters from the start.

I had a Stepdad growing up .It is a difficult R/L TBH and although he was kind to me and a good man ,I think it is a struggle for most DC really.Families cannot be "fixed" by simply "moving on " with a new Partner ,without some problems .I do think its a shame that some PP wont entertain the SC, and want to leave their R/L because of it ,even though they have found someone who was perfect for them

There was a thread on the SP board during lockdown that infuriated me where a SM was looking after the children and had been sent a shitty message by the mum about the way she was doing it.

She was saying mum would have to find an alternative if she wasn't happy and the amount of posters who outright said she was depriving the mother of childcare was ridiculous!

My DSis is a stepmum, who also has 3 DC with her DH. She was her DSS’s main carer through his teens, because he lived with them and spent EOW with his mum. It worked out well, but that was because all the adults involved worked together to make it a success. My DSis also loves him the same as her own DC (2 bio DC and one adopted DS), which I think is why my DSis was happy to do as much for him as much as she did.

He’s now an adult with his own family and she’s a grandma to his two young DC.

There is just no way imo that if my husband had sent a shitty message to his exes partner about the way he was looking after the children whilst doing him a favour, people would be calling out the step dad for depriving my husband of childcare if he then refused. No way. They'd be rightly telling him he can sort it himself if that's how he's going to be.

@dontdisturbmenow.

I think you're right. There are two questions here:

1. What is it reasonable for the RP to expect of the NRP?

Remember, the RP has the kids most of the time, may not have another adult around the house if she's single and (given child maintenance is not a generous sum of money) will usually have to work to give the kids a reasonable standard of living and will have to fit her work hours around the kids' schedule. So the NRP should try to be reasonably flexible if the RP has a childcare crisis or needs support because otherwise the children will suffer, for example, if she loses her job or has to reduce her hours. That doesn't mean that the RP should make unreasonable demands or expect the earth from the NRP, though.

2. How should the NRP and the step-parent decide to split the NRP's responsibility towards their children?

Two issues here imo - 1) do the NRP and new partner share finances? 2) do they have children?

If they share finances, there is a stronger argument for the step-parent helping with the children if it enables the NRP to put in more hours at work and earn more money for the household. However, this is not an entitlement of the NRP, but may make sense on a cost-benefit analysis.

If there are children in both homes, as far as possible they should be parented in the same way when together.

I also think that it doesn’t help that if the arrangement works really well people are often simply unaware (my DFIL is DH’s step father...my DSIL found this out several years after she started dating DBIL and only then because we were talking about birth stories otherwise she’d probably be oblivious to this day). DFIL is the nicest bloke I know and it doesn’t occur to any of the family that DH isn’t a full part of it. He’s done his full share of parenting over the years. But because it’s worked so very well it isn’t held up as an example because everyone’s unaware.

I admit my eyes have been opened on here about the fraught way step parents are regarded, because it was not my experience. In my case, I have the same sort of expectation on me as a stepdad would, because DH was the resident parent and his ex had no contact with the kids. I had a great relationship with them from the start and always correct anyone who refers to DS as a step brother or half brother to them - they are his brothers, they have the same dad and were brought up in the same household. I get on OK with their mum now although she was quite badly behaved before - not with me, and she has never really had a problem with me, but she and DH did not get on at all and there was a lot of barely concealed animosity because of her desertion when DSS1 was seriously ill and spending most of his time in hospital, and DSS2 was a baby, when she left for another man who didn't want children. Over the years and passage of time, things have improved and she has never really said anything about DSS2 wanting me to do the 'mum' stuff like parents evening, exam revision help, uni visits and so on. She knows it's not a rejection of her in favour of me, but a reflection of the volume of time he spent with me opposed to her, and the expectations of practical help versus love. In that way I can see how her partner, the non resident step parent, was quite remote from decisions and situations to do with the kids, and how DH may have objected if he became more involved.

I Agree is Wannakisstheteacher i think male step parents have it worse they tend to be more involved and live majority of the time with the dc often of they provided financially aswell. They also tend to take on a more active role and more tolerable then step moms. I've seen some vile posts from step mothers treating the step children like second class citizens. Thankfully ds has a decent step mother and my dh is a decent step father.

I was once asked if I could do school runs for the ex as she wanted to change her hours at work. I had to refuse just out of principal that if it was the other way around she would have no obligation to help, so I didn’t want to feel taken advantage of by her when I knew if it was the other way around she wouldn’t be willing to help. Also as the saying goes, “Your days, your problem.”, so I stuck by that. Plus I didn’t want to commit to anything. I helped my ex to meet his responsibilities while he worked though.

I sometimes think people think that a stepparent’s time is worthless.

She was saying mum would have to find an alternative if she wasn't happy and the amount of posters who outright said she was depriving the mother of childcare was ridiculous!
But wasn't it the thread where the rp was working so it was only fair that the nrp contributed to looking after the child too but he didn't so left it to his partner to do?

I think though, as evidenced even on this thread, some people don't think just being a friendly adult and not parenting is enough. If you get with a man with children you have to expect to parent them as well

Sometimes it isn't enough. Surely you can see that?

I’m sure being a step parent is a thankless task, however people choose to be a step parent.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

I think though, as evidenced even on this thread, some people don't think just being a friendly adult and not parenting is enough. If you get with a man with children you have to expect to parent them as well

Sometimes it isn't enough. Surely you can see that?

Yes, my point was though that a lot of people seem to have a very rigid idea of what being a step parent should look like whereas in reality everyone's situation is different. Sometimes it's perfectly fine to be a friendly adult and nothing more, sometimes it makes for a better relationship.

And yes whilst people choose to be step parents, they very rarely get to choose the way they are allowed to be a said step parent. It comes down to what the parents will allow, what the children want etc... A lot of the time. It can be wildly different from the expectations you see on here that all step parents have to be involved in X Y or Z, have to love and treat like their own children and so on.

I think you're overly bothered about what you think other people think. Who cares what nonsense randoms on the internet come out with? IT doesn't affect you. CAre what the kids think most of all, and the adults in the situation. People have a lot of opinions, but why so bothered about them?

@dontdisturbmenow

She was saying mum would have to find an alternative if she wasn't happy and the amount of posters who outright said she was depriving the mother of childcare was ridiculous! But wasn't it the thread where the rp was working so it was only fair that the nrp contributed to looking after the child too but he didn't so left it to his partner to do?

And no, so far as I remember the OP was looking after the children on the days both mum and dad were working so was doing mum a favour just as much as dad.