To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

The curious thing about war and resilience (and I think people mean different things when they use this word) is that a proportion of mental health problems we see today are knock-on effects within families of trauma caused by the Second World War passed down the generations

I have fibro and I’m shit at running so I walk or go the gym instead.

I’ve done gym sessions that have led to massive flares. Didn’t turn me into a stoic.

As I said elsewhere, how mentally ill do you have to be before people stop sneering at you for being a snowflake?

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Plus we now know lockdowns don’t work. They just delay the inevitable and drag this disease out. So it is all for nothing.'

'Yes but they “save the NHS”... allegedly.'

What don't people understand about the fact that if the nhs is full caring for those with covid that will have have a direct and critical effect on everyone's ability to access treatment for other issues. So not 'saving' per se but protecting its ability to cope with everyone presenting. 'Slowing the demand' if it's easier to understand.

'Going the gym is one thing that keeps me relatively sane'

Oh fgs go for a run, go for a 5m brisk walk. Get a fitness app and do whatever you are physically able to. Compromise and stop being a victim. It isn't great granted, but have a moan then look for solutions.

I do go for walks. I’m a Pokemon Go player. When gyms were closed, i went for a lot of walks around my neighbourhood and local parks. I’ll be doing that again during November, weather permitting.

I love how you latch onto one comment about going the gym and tell me I’m being a victim.

Forgot to add, I physically can’t run. I hate running. Kills my joints.

But in reality resilience is just getting by. Some of the most resilient people I know would probably say they are not resilient, they don't feel that they are coping but in fact they get up every day and face the unknown. Resiliance doesn't mean having the answers and not feeling the pain. Its feeling the pain and getting it wrong but still standing up. They are incredibly resilient.

That is exactly what resilience is.

For those posters getting het up about my comments regarding people using drugs to get by not being resilient, I do wish you would read the thread properly!!!! I was merely replying to a pp who tried to say that previous generations, who are generally thought of as being more resilient, in many cases were taking drugs (alcohol, tobacco etc.) to cope. It was nothing to do with mental health issues, and certainly nothing to do with anti-depressants.

I do however, agree that MH issues are being trivialised by too many people these days who use it as a buzz word every time something doesn't go their way.

'I have fibro and I’m shit at running so I walk or go the gym instead.'

So walk 5m a day when you can pain wise and get a fitness app. Replicate exercises you do at the gym at home, improvise, start a WhatsApp fitness group with gym friends and support t others.

'As I said elsewhere, how mentally ill do you have to be before people stop sneering at you for being a snowflake?'

It of course isn't black and white. Everything is relative to people's individual circumstances. Generalising though if you (not you personally) are upset and cheesed off at not being able to see family and friends it does not mean you 'have mental health problems'. It might of course, could be the last straw in an already difficult situation in which case people need to seek help but generally people need to accept it's normal to react and feel miserable but you can help yourself. We aren't all mentally ill.

Also? Tried a 3 mile walk. Triggered a massive flare. Ended up in pain for days. Oh, let me guess, chronic pain isn’t real, just be a stoic and ignore it and push through it.

Did you miss the bit where I said I went on walks?

'do however, agree that MH issues are being trivialised by too many people these days who use it as a buzz word every time something doesn't go their way.'

This! Every worried person 'has anxiety', every miserable person is 'depressed' it really does a disservice to those with actual mental health problems and exactly as you say trivialises them.

'Ended up in pain for days. Oh, let me guess, chronic pain isn’t real, just be a stoic and ignore it and push through it.'

No no of course chronic pain is real. My point was when you said you went to the gym to 'keep you sane', as if there weren't any other options. Just do similar physical activity you would normally do flare ups allowing. Or can you only use gym equipment? Maybe try cycling?

I’m not talking about not being able to see family. It gets me down but a lot of us are in the same boat, all we can do is support each other and my parents are on the other end of a phone.

I have a cross trainer at home. I don’t do 5 mile walks and I don’t have gym friends. I go alone. I can only do what my body is physically capable of doing. Pushing myself over the limit DOES NOT WORk.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Ended up in pain for days. Oh, let me guess, chronic pain isn’t real, just be a stoic and ignore it and push through it.'

No no of course chronic pain is real. My point was when you said you went to the gym to 'keep you sane', as if there weren't any other options. Just do similar physical activity you would normally do flare ups allowing. Or can you only use gym equipment? Maybe try cycling?

I can’t ride a bike. Never have been able to. It’s why I walk everywhere if I can.

It was a throwaway remark about the gym and I had no idea people would jump down my throat.

The thing about resilience is that if you remove many of the things that help people cope/self-medicate when things get tough, it's not going to work.
I'm thinking respite care and access to the arts, things of beauty - it doesn't leave a great deal left to find what you need to help you get through. I have learnt in my life that I need my musical instrument and access to peaceful open space and horses to cope and keep going, and as I have them then I will get/have got through.

I was chatting to a man in the bank yesterday and he commented that you can get over bankruptcy/losing everything, you can't come back if you've died. I thought that was very wise.

'throwaway remark about the gym and I had no idea people would jump down my throat'

I'm sorry if you felt I jumped down your throat. I really do have empathy for people like you with significant health issues .

My frustration is aimed at people who really do jump on the mental health bandwagon when all they are actually dealing with is worry and temporary inconvenience.

Resilience in psychology refers to the ability to get through a crisis and come out the other side in no worse state mentally than you went in.

Obviously where possible people should avoid going through a crisis in the first place, because the more of them you experience the greater risk you have of coming out of one of them with a mental health problem. People try to avoid a crisis like homelessness or being a victim of serious crime because they are destructive situations.

How you build psychological resilience as opposed to social resilience is tricky to untangle.

I have a diagnosis of both ptsd and generalised anxiety. I haven’t met any of these people who are supposedly making up anxiety claims and taking resources away from me.

I also don’t see all these teens who have everything handed to them on a plate, as we have just been through a decade of austerity. Plenty of kids fail school exams all throughout school and fail their GCSEs, so I don’t recognise this nobody is allowed to fail scenario either.

Also preventing people from having a whinge,moan,rant etc when needed does not build resilience. It builds shame,resentment,self loathing and makes people feel like they don't matter,their feelings don't matter and they have to hide

That's true. But there a difference between having a moan here and there vs people who always complain, moan and there's no action. I have a friend who always complains about one thing or another, always argumentative to people who don't agree with her views. Honestly, speaking to her takes away my energy. Moaning and complaining always, with no course of action, is a waste of time.

I've had people tell me I am resilient. I have been through a lot- and kept going. I do moan and complain to close friends and family, but after that, I would them come up with a plan/action how I can solve xyz:

I wonder if resilience does increase with age naturally. I used to get really worked up about work related matters and expend a lot of energy on them. Now if I find myself getting to that stage I consciously take a step back and try to analyse the situation and try to decide how I can make it better. Also getting myself worked up exhausts me with all the adrenaline highs and lows ,so I try to avoid it.

"AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?"

No, but attempting to visit 'it' on anyone else on your terms and timescale, in a pandemic and 2 lockdowns, is pretty unfeeling and short-sighted.

I don't think we have really got an agreed description of resilience here yet, have we, other than something that sounds like the lines of a 1940s song (and we wheeled all those out back in May so we've probably been there, done that for this year). I also think that it must be a very personal thing and that sentimentality around resilience semantics is only helpful so far.

Perhaps it's the question of how you live through what is not your doing, that which you have no choice but to face. For some that might be loss of health, family, business, security, education. For others, not being able to have a social life when they don't see why. I have also found that this happens sooner or later but that the earlier something overwhelming hits your life, the more easily your resilience 'battery' can run down.

What would you think of the role of resilience in a case where a young soldier returned from a tour of duty in a war zone (Iraq period)? He'd married his wife, both mid-20s, and had 6 weeks of life at home before going out. When he returned it was as a heavy drinker who would fly off the handle if a car door slammed in the street. Does she LTB, mumsnet? No. She is in fact grateful he lived, came back.

@buildingbridge

Also preventing people from having a whinge,moan,rant etc when needed does not build resilience. It builds shame,resentment,self loathing and makes people feel like they don't matter,their feelings don't matter and they have to hide

That's true. But there a difference between having a moan here and there vs people who always complain, moan and there's no action. I have a friend who always complains about one thing or another, always argumentative to people who don't agree with her views. Honestly, speaking to her takes away my energy. Moaning and complaining always, with no course of action, is a waste of time.

I've had people tell me I am resilient. I have been through a lot- and kept going. I do moan and complain to close friends and family, but after that, I would them come up with a plan/action how I can solve xyz:

I had a colleague like that. Whinge whinge whinge. Never said anything positive. She made Eeyore look like Fotherington-Thomas. I’m not the happiest person myself but even I can find reasons to be cheerful.

willowywillow:
The 'support' people offer is too very often not of the useful practical variety more of the head tilting emotional vampire which thrives on other people's grief. You ending up having more hoops to jump through just to show you can actually cope. I tend not to share very much for this reason and would rather give myself a shake than endure that!

I've found that people do expect you to be over things very quickly - serious illnesses and things with long term consquences and according to others even bereavements.

We had a couple of bad years with a sucession of things going wrong and practical support even for simple things was hard to get and very time limited and it did start to feel many were almost waiting for us to crumble or only interested in emotional vampire type way and often felt like an additional bruden.

Certainly made me less likely to share and seek external support though I'm grateful I have DH to share with.

Resilience shouldn’t be confused with a relentless ‘mustn’t grumble’ cheeriness. It’s fine to find things hard, and people should be able to express that without embarrassment. Acknowledging each other’s emotions without trying to minimise or dismiss them is something we could all do more of.

My coping abilities do not kick in until big things happen. I have coped with infertility (permanent in my case), DH getting cancer (he is fine now) and at the same time caring for an elderly parent with dementia. But I have been floored by smaller things and as a result been accused of lacking resilience.

Meant to add losing my father at a young age to the list.

I've met emotional draining people - I've also met people who enjoy moaning and never intend anything to change.

My ability to cope with them depends how good my own emotional state is and how frequently I have contact and what relationship I have with them.

I did have a short term job in my 20s there was a colleague no-one could stand to work with as she was such a drain - I liked working with her she looked out for me and complaining didn't impact on me at all.

@Ylvamoon “ Resilience is also something that comes from within.
I sometimes think that we have removed the learning of resiliance from our childrens lives.
Learning to loose, not having to wait for things, getting ott attention for every whim, the messages of you are special, clever and making allowances for almost everything! And dont get me started on the helicopter parenting.
As lovely as it is, it doesn't teach our children to suck it up and get on with it.”

I completely agree. I have always been rubbish at sports. Every year I came last in the sports day class race out of 18 girls. Always last!! I was told by my parents you can’t be good at everything. I attended my nephews sports day and children got a medal for ‘taking part’ no more winners and losers. I also think it’s important for those who are good at things like sport to be recognised for that. I am smart and was good at school. Others were good at sport. I got good marks in tests and came last in anything sport related. They got the gold medals and cups but didn’t do as well in their reports. We all learned that we need to focus on our strengths and that we weren’t going to just always be good at things. I worry for generations who don’t learn that lesson.