To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

And do you know. I lived to the max when I thought the end was coming. At secondary school/ uni etc.

When we go all. Remember the war. People thought they were going to die. They didn't know what was going to happen. They lived each day, many of them I'd imagine, as if it could be their last.

If it's your last day. Do you stoicly peel a carrot or go out jitterbugging with the USA men! Frivolous maybe. But not really. Grasp any chance at life.

'People who use any form of drugs to cope are certainly not resilient - I think you need to learn a bit more about what resilience actually is.'

Mmmhmmm. You're lecturing women who have been sexually abused as children, undergone immense pain, been neglected... On what resilience means

My mum was born at the end of the war. She drinks maybe 20 cups of tea a day. Caffeine is an addictive drug. But. She's old. And the war!!! Good or bad

'People who use any form of drugs to cope are certainly not resilient - I think you need to learn a bit more about what resilience actually is.'

Mmmhmmm. You're lecturing women who have been sexually abused as children, undergone immense pain, been neglected... On what resilience means

You seem to have lost the plot somewhat. I was replying to a pp who said that previous generations of resilient people relied on drugs and I was merely pointing out that people who use drugs are the opposite of resilient. Why not read the thread properly being rushing into print!

Stick often used to beat people with as a means to ignore and dismiss their pain suffering and access to services, compassion and resources.

Resilience has become a crock of shit,

I am not brave but I am resilient.

Grew up poor.
Warring parents who divorced when I was 18.
Father went bankrupt twice.
Lost our home.
Got 5 A-levels but no chance to go to university
Worked 80 hours a week for free to save family business - futile.
Mother and siblings emigrated when I was early 20s. I could not do likewise (long immigration story).
Had to leave first husband for DV - no support emotionally, financially from anyone.
No extended family.
Mother I believe is NPD.
Sister nearly died 3 years ago, in a coma, still lives with brain injury.
Bullied out of several jobs. Now work from home freelance. Money tight and uncertain
More bad stuff that I won't mention here.
Serious chronic illness - now a COVID shielder.

I am quiet, shy IRL but I will endure! Like a tough weed 🤪

I am content and happy for others. Don't get jealous over other people having more than me. Can read threads on MN about large incomes and windfalls without a twinge of envy.

I am not perfect - who is? Always working on my faults of which I have many. I have concerns about COVID and my health and money, too, but I am generally happy.

I am interested in Zen and Stoic philosophy. I believe you can find stuff at children's level online to help them.

I thoroughly recommend "Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers who faced cancer. It's a self-help classic.

My current struggle is how to brave going to dentist as a shielder. Working through this! 😝

eaglejulesk
'I was merely pointing out that people who use drugs are the opposite of resilient. '
Why is using drugs the opposite of resilient. Have you actually met anyone that does this and delved into the reasons why?

Plus we now know lockdowns don’t work. They just delay the inevitable and drag this disease out. So it is all for nothing.

@Oliversmumsarmy Yes but they “save the NHS”... allegedly.

@wildwindblows my grandmother raised four children almost alone, work as a mental health nurse, lived through poverty in Ireland, struggled through divorce and family loss and randomly killed herself please educate yourself it can happen at any point, my best friend also killed himself but due to being a minor I won't comment other than autism was also a factor please stop giving misinformation

@wildwindblows just to add, I have experienced family abuse, severe bullying, multi health conditions, borderline poverty, homelessness and addiction and I would say I am stronger than ever so think twice about your previous comment, mental health is much deeper than 'resilience'

“People who use any form of drugs to cope are certainly not resilient - I think you need to learn a bit more about what resilience actually is.”

Wow this most be the most uniformed and offensive post I’ve read to date. Clearly from somebody with no idea what resilience is.

I have a child that has gone through horrendous bullying and bereavement which has destroyed him. He was suicidal in a darkened room hiding 24 hours a day. Curled up in a ball unable to go to school. He has seen his peers carry on with life whilst his very bright future has shut down.

From this he started using sugar and caffeine to sit up and leave his room briefly. It took a huge amount of support from us but the anxiety and depression took all he had. All day and night he’d battle it and then be too exhausted to move. Scratching, pacing with frustration.He’d literally find the pain agonising.Even worse he didn’t know how to process it and couldn’t because of how debilitating it was.

He was then prescribed a low dose of anti depressants so he could access therapy to get him well.

From this he has been able to drag himself downstairs and reduce the caffeine/ sugar. From this he built up to going outside in the dark, then the day, then near other people.

Facing the anxieties has still been too much and he hasn’t been able to access his therapy, shutting down half way through. He has found the frustration agonising.

This week he pushed through and texted his therapist one of his anxieties( a massive step).He also applied for a weekend job and out of 40 people got the only interview and job. He is building up to attending a college course that gets young people back into education in Jan to get strong enough to start his Alevels in Sep. He hopes to work through all his anxieties and learn how to manage them so he can come off the anti ds.

Do not tell me my son is not resilient. He is the epitome of resilience and a bloody warrior. He is also privileged. He has parents well enough and financially stable enough to support him during his battle and whilst he has had to wait for treatment.He has a supportive family.He has parents confident enough to do battle with CAMHs and strong enough to endure the stress of dealing with them. Many young people don’t. Everybody’s journey will differ according to experience, circumstances and support available. I think we need to be mindful of the old saying about taking a walk in my shoes.

This journey has nearly brought me to my knees and I thought I was strong, resilient if you will. The resilience my son has shown has got me through it. I’m in awe of people battling mental illness, it is staggeringly hard and often feels like going into battle with no weapons as the support and clearly knowledge this country has as regards mental health seems non existent.

Whilst I do think resiliance is important, I think there is a worrying suspicion STILL of mental health problems. People think that those with mh problems are weak and cosseted. Ever thought that mentalhealth and resiliance go hand in hand? If you have poor mh you have low resiliance?

This may be an unpopular opinion but in SOME circumstances, I think we pander to people to much. It's my mental health has become a buzz phrase and people opt out of life. If you were an anxious caveman you still had to go out gather food and look after the baby cave people and cook etc otherwise you would die out.

Now people don't work for years because of anxiety/ depression. Short term yes during an acute episode but indulging it for life just perpetuates the cycle of helplessness.

Ironically having a purpose and reason to get out of bed, doing something with your day and being proud of what you achieved is more likely to reduce low mood.

It's brilliant we now talk about mental health so people can access support from one another and it's brilliant that it's normalised but we do need to stop short of it being a reason for opting out of normal life.

I find it weird how people think having a tough childhood teaches resilience, it doesn't and there is certainly a limit to what a child can take. I've worked with people with mental health issues and one common issue is a tough childhood and a difficult adulthood. Their coping mechanisms in the face of adversity are far from what you would call resilient. They have never been taught coping mechanisms that are helpful, but others have had similar experiences but have managed to learn more helpful ones. I think it is a bit more down to personality than external circumstances. You never know what someone has been through anyway as people keep a lot to themselves, so it is impossible to judge just from looking at someone.

I actually think one way of obtaining resilient and encouraging resilience in others is to tell yourselves and others how resilient you all are. Celebrate overcoming things, point out and admire resilience in others.

Practical things can help actually manufacture resilience. Learning a sport such as running. It's hard, you overcome and get stronger and better at it. Choosing to take cold baths and showers, I felt like a Viking when I first started doing that! A healthy eating regime whereby you overcome any urge to overeat. Tidying, sorting or renovating - you might even have to learn new skills but the end result is worth it. There are lots of constructive examples, one to suit most people.

I think the problem with resilience is the word itself. It often conjures an image of super individuals who can manage anything.

But in reality resilience is just getting by. Some of the most resilient people I know would probably say they are not resilient, they don't feel that they are coping but in fact they get up every day and face the unknown. Resiliance doesn't mean having the answers and not feeling the pain. Its feeling the pain and getting it wrong but still standing up. They are incredibly resilient.

I think we learn it. Some of us were lucky to have it taught to us by our parents (encouraged to make our own decisions / mistakes with a support net to catch us) and some learnt it through experience (knowing that what we have faced, we have survived and that we can if needed do it again).

Nobody is strong all the time and sometimes we break. If we are lucky, we have enough resiliance in our back pocket to begin to put ourselves back together.

We are living in difficult times right now, instead of telling people they need to be more resilient we need to remind people they are already resilient but its OK to not feel resilient every day and its OK to take a break from the fight and rest too. Life isn't a sprint it's a marathon and sometimes we have to walk with a sprained ankle for a while before we are fit to run again.

Resilience comes from privilege, not hardship.

I think we have to be careful here not to view everyone who has been through hardship as if they will lack resilience. I have experienced several hardships but I have overcome them. I don't talk much about the hardships because you can virtually see the heads of people beginning to tilt and they see you differently as if they assume you will be a loose cannon. They create more hoops for your to jump through to show you are not.

'Plus we now know lockdowns don’t work. They just delay the inevitable and drag this disease out. So it is all for nothing.'

'Yes but they “save the NHS”... allegedly.'

What don't people understand about the fact that if the nhs is full caring for those with covid that will have have a direct and critical effect on everyone's ability to access treatment for other issues. So not 'saving' per se but protecting its ability to cope with everyone presenting. 'Slowing the demand' if it's easier to understand.

'Going the gym is one thing that keeps me relatively sane'

Oh fgs go for a run, go for a 5m brisk walk. Get a fitness app and do whatever you are physically able to. Compromise and stop being a victim. It isn't great granted, but have a moan then look for solutions.

There's such a thing as being seen to be too resilient I think. I've had no parental help at all and siblings / other family seem to think that because I did it myself that I should therefore help them.

Similarly in the workplace, if you just get in with it you just get even more responsibility.

@Tr33H0use

“People who use any form of drugs to cope are certainly not resilient - I think you need to learn a bit more about what resilience actually is.”

Wow this most be the most uniformed and offensive post I’ve read to date. Clearly from somebody with no idea what resilience is.

I have a child that has gone through horrendous bullying and bereavement which has destroyed him. He was suicidal in a darkened room hiding 24 hours a day. Curled up in a ball unable to go to school. He has seen his peers carry on with life whilst his very bright future has shut down.

From this he started using sugar and caffeine to sit up and leave his room briefly. It took a huge amount of support from us but the anxiety and depression took all he had. All day and night he’d battle it and then be too exhausted to move. Scratching, pacing with frustration.He’d literally find the pain agonising.Even worse he didn’t know how to process it and couldn’t because of how debilitating it was.

He was then prescribed a low dose of anti depressants so he could access therapy to get him well.

From this he has been able to drag himself downstairs and reduce the caffeine/ sugar. From this he built up to going outside in the dark, then the day, then near other people.

Facing the anxieties has still been too much and he hasn’t been able to access his therapy, shutting down half way through. He has found the frustration agonising.

This week he pushed through and texted his therapist one of his anxieties( a massive step).He also applied for a weekend job and out of 40 people got the only interview and job. He is building up to attending a college course that gets young people back into education in Jan to get strong enough to start his Alevels in Sep. He hopes to work through all his anxieties and learn how to manage them so he can come off the anti ds.

Do not tell me my son is not resilient. He is the epitome of resilience and a bloody warrior. He is also privileged. He has parents well enough and financially stable enough to support him during his battle and whilst he has had to wait for treatment.He has a supportive family.He has parents confident enough to do battle with CAMHs and strong enough to endure the stress of dealing with them. Many young people don’t. Everybody’s journey will differ according to experience, circumstances and support available. I think we need to be mindful of the old saying about taking a walk in my shoes.

This journey has nearly brought me to my knees and I thought I was strong, resilient if you will. The resilience my son has shown has got me through it. I’m in awe of people battling mental illness, it is staggeringly hard and often feels like going into battle with no weapons as the support and clearly knowledge this country has as regards mental health seems non existent.

Exactly. He sounds very resilient to me, and I wish him very well.

'This may be an unpopular opinion but in SOME circumstances, I think we pander to people to much. It's my mental health has become a buzz phrase and people opt out of life.'

This. Of course there are mental health illnesses and people need support and treatment. However, everyone who is having a proportionate reaction to this shit situation, eg they are worried and pissed off are not all suddenly 'mentally ill'. It is normal to feel like this, to toss and turn at night, to become a bit tearful when watching the news it does not always equal 'mental health problems '.

So try mindfulness, healthy eating, exercise, distraction ie get off social media and stop watching 24/7 news. Try to self help. If it doesn't work seek help .

@stackemhigh it's ironic in our workplace that they talk a great game about mental health. Mine's actually pretty good, as after many years I know what I thrive on work wise and what isn't so good for me.

Thankfully what I'm good at also coincides with skills that are needed by my employer. This would be great but as I am seen as "a steady pair of hands" the general temptation seems to pile more and more on me like I was a Buckeroo donkey and then to try to push some of the stuff I'm not so good at my way as well .

I've had to be fairly forceful about standing my ground rather than being stealth pushed into a likely unpaid promotion. It's almost like they would rather pile too much on me so I crumble and then come back and do one of those terribly brave talks about my mental health struggles. Actually coping and getting on with it on a day by day basis by recognising my own limits is less exciting.

Too many people seem to see 'resilience' (and I absolutely hate that word), as something you either have or don't have. That's completely ridiculous. Different people are better at coping with different things, similarly to how some people enjoy math, whilst others prefer languages. I would be far more resilient in a war situation than in my current situation. The reason I'm sitting here, unable to work and get out of bed, is because my entire existence has been rendered meaningless. I don't see anybody. My job isn't contributing anything, and if I don't show up for work some days nobody even notices. I simply don't exist. I'm of no value to anyone right now, and that's too hard to cope with.

And it reminds me of my childhood. How insulting to romantisice adversity in childhood as a gateway to resilience. I would give my left kidney to have never been abused and neglected as a child. To not have to have fought three times as hard for everything and then fail anyway. To not get beaten till I bled for bad grades. That doesn't teach resilience ffs. If you come out of that and can cope well with this pandemic then good for you. If not that's also fine. Life can be bloody hard. Different people respond differently depending on the situation. I've never done drugs or engaged in risky sexual behaviour or alcoholism to cope with my abusive childhood. I have a degree and a fancy job and a good marriage despite what I went through, but I'm not coping right now at all. Because this situation requires a different kind of 'resilience'. If I was a nurse working 100 hours a week or volunteering or whatever I'd be so fine and happy and feel like my life meant something, but all meaning has been robbed from me. And there's nobody to help, no services to go to. No friends to hug you. Nothing. It's fucking awful.

@rookiemere my employer is much the same, talk a great game about MH. Every promotion I've had has been topsy turvy, doing the extra work, then getting promoted with no pay rise, and then arguing for a pay rise. Any time other teams are pushing back on work they should be doing, the boss will often take the easy route of 'stack will do it'. There is also the added pressure of having to improve each year and do more (even though they won't pay you more!)

It's almost like they would rather pile too much on me so I crumble and then come back and do one of those terribly brave talks about my mental health struggles.

This made me smile, but I'm glad that you're pushing back so it doesn't come to that.