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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

275 replies

thewitchesofprestwick · 02/11/2020 08:33

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 03/11/2020 17:47

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'Would you tell an abused woman stuck at home with her abuser for 3 months to get some more resilience? Would you tell someone who lost their job/home/life's savings to get more resilience?'

No. Neither would I tell anyone else on your list to 'get more resilience'.

However. The people without any of the problems you've highlighted, you know run of the mill people bored because they can't do a hobby, saying they have mental health problems because they may not be able to go to a party at Christmas, those people i would suggest need to quickly find some coping strategies.

I don't know any people like that tbh. Even on here I must've missed the "my life is great otherwise,but the lack of Costa coffees and Christmas parties sent me over the brink".

However I do have several friends that to the outside world look like snowflakes. The outside world however(including family sometimes) doesn't know that x found out her husband was cheating at the beginning of lockdown, or that y is married to an arsehole who has been working from home since March so she's stuck upstairs with their 3 children , or that z is terrified about working in a care home because she's a single parent with no support(ran off due to abuse) but has to keep going to pay the bills, or that a was sexually abused as a child and every time she goes out she has to pick between panic attacks or abuse for not wearing a mask ... and so on.

To the outside world they look like people with ok lives,some well off and seemingly privileged that are moaning because they can't go out with their mates anymore.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 03/11/2020 17:51

'It's the little things - I realised I was losing it over daft stuff like missing keys and not setting a good example to my son. Now when ever a bad thing happens, no matter how minor, I try and react and show him resilience. I show/involve him in me using coping strategies: asking for help, stopping something and coming back to it later, looking for more information, drawing up a schedule/list, looking for silver linings, enjoying the unexpected, finding new ways to do things'

Absolutely agree. We should all be open with those closest to us, let them know when we are struggling so dc know it is of course normal to feel overwhelmed but then showing there are ways to manage expectations and develop strategies to get through things.

PizzzaExpressWoking · 04/11/2020 16:35

Oh fgs go for a run, go for a 5m brisk walk. Compromise and stop being a victim.

How lovely that you live in a world where disabled people don't exist, GetOffYourHighHorse. Hmm

GetOffYourHighHorse · 04/11/2020 17:20

'How lovely that you live in a world where disabled people don't exist, GetOffYourHighHorse'

I 'live in a world' where I know many disabled people thanks. I have a seriously disabled relative, so stick your patronising comment up your arse. They face struggles every single day covid or no covid.

Lockdown is actually giving able bodied people a glimpse into how to compromise and how to face challenges.

PhilSwagielka · 04/11/2020 18:14

Five miles is a long way to go when you’ve got fibromyalgia and you’re in constant pain.

I’m not being a victim. Merely stating a fact.

willowywillow · 04/11/2020 19:17

@PhilSwagielka but you must be pretty resilient living with fibromyalgia. It's a shame lockdown effects some of the things that you felt helpful. The gyms being closed for example. The fact that you had this as a coping strategy just shows you are adaptable because you finding things which help with living with your condition. It's difficult to have the rug metaphorically pulled from under you. I think that's what people are finding. Things which really helped in their lives cannot be done as easily or in the same way in lockdown.

In terms of solutions, self sufficient ones have the most guarantee. You only have to rely on yourself. I have learnt to cut my own hair, I make my own tea up to stain my hair to get rid of grey, I run alone in terms of exercise, I have my own manicure and pedicure equipment, in terms of treatments (that some people miss) I do face exercises, get skincare online, body brush and have cold baths. We don't have a cleaner or gardener

Although in recent years people seem to aspire to delegate more and more aspects of life to 'experts' and professionals. They want to have personal trainers, get treatments done at spas and salons, they have cleaners, hair is done by hairdressers. They have grocery recipe boxes delivered when they fancy cooking, go out to eat or have takeaways when they don't. In the process they are deskilling in these areas. Perhaps to concentrate on stuff more important to them. However what it means is when these services are withdrawn in lockdown or they can't afford them anymore life seems more hard and they struggle as they suddenly have to acquire lots of skills they ignored developing.

If you have a health condition or disability there are obviously more challenges since not all self sufficient solutions are applicable. Adaptive equipment might not exist or be incredibly expensive. But this does not mean people in this situation are less resilient. Just that solutions might be harder to find.

willowywillow · 04/11/2020 19:30

So thinking about it, specialising makes resilience in relation to lockdown harder. If people specialise they have to pull together with other specialists to cover the things they can't do or can't do well. Social isolation makes this more difficult. Health conditions and disabilities force a kind of further specialisation because these circumstances mean certain types of tasks pose more challenges.

JoanWilderbeast · 04/11/2020 19:38

I think many people assume resilience but in reality, as with most summations, will never really know until they are actually tested.

CloudMoon · 04/11/2020 19:41

So true @MaxNormal

PhilSwagielka · 04/11/2020 19:51

[quote willowywillow]**@PhilSwagielka but you must be pretty resilient living with fibromyalgia. It's a shame lockdown effects some of the things that you felt helpful. The gyms being closed for example. The fact that you had this as a coping strategy just shows you are adaptable because you finding things which help with living with your condition. It's difficult to have the rug metaphorically pulled from under you. I think that's what people are finding. Things which really helped in their lives cannot be done as easily or in the same way in lockdown.

In terms of solutions, self sufficient ones have the most guarantee. You only have to rely on yourself. I have learnt to cut my own hair, I make my own tea up to stain my hair to get rid of grey, I run alone in terms of exercise, I have my own manicure and pedicure equipment, in terms of treatments (that some people miss) I do face exercises, get skincare online, body brush and have cold baths. We don't have a cleaner or gardener

Although in recent years people seem to aspire to delegate more and more aspects of life to 'experts' and professionals. They want to have personal trainers, get treatments done at spas and salons, they have cleaners, hair is done by hairdressers. They have grocery recipe boxes delivered when they fancy cooking, go out to eat or have takeaways when they don't. In the process they are deskilling in these areas. Perhaps to concentrate on stuff more important to them. However what it means is when these services are withdrawn in lockdown or they can't afford them anymore life seems more hard and they struggle as they suddenly have to acquire lots of skills they ignored developing.

If you have a health condition or disability there are obviously more challenges since not all self sufficient solutions are applicable. Adaptive equipment might not exist or be incredibly expensive. But this does not mean people in this situation are less resilient. Just that solutions might be harder to find.[/quote]
Thanks. I manage. I don't cut my own hair because I would do a shit job of it with my stupid shaky hands. I can still cook (I've just made a risotto), though I do rely on a cleaner because washing the floor etc. makes my joints hurt, and I know I'm going to get laughed at for this but it is true. I remember one time having to sweep a lot of dust off the hall floor after a carpet was removed and I was in agony by the end of it.

Haven't had a spa treatment or facial in donkey's. Maybe one day. I'm not particularly arsed about my looks, but I do like massages and things like steam rooms and jacuzzis. I don't want a personal trainer either cos I like having music on when I exercise and prefer exercising alone anyway. Without the gym, I use the crosstrainer in my house or go for walks. As I said, 5 miles is a lot although I can do 5k on a good day.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/11/2020 19:52

praising children for effort,, praising them for working hard, encouraging them to keep trying and reminding them that mistakes lead to learning and doing better next time. teaching them that they have to save up for things and can't have everything they want, but making sure they know they are loved and cared for too all help to build resilience.

Some things can't be done alone though and you need a community or family around you to help support you.

different people have experienced different life experiences and so can cope with different things in different ways. sometimes it is just the luck of the draw as to how you cope in life. genetics, upbringing, life experiences, illnesses, disabilities etc etc etc.

willowywillow · 04/11/2020 20:01

@PhilSwagielka regarding the hair, I have a long hairstyle. All I do is put it in a pony tail on the crown and cut the end off. For the front layer I put a pony tail at the front and cut the end off. That's it!Grin But it sounds like you do great. There are lots of able bodied people that exercise less than you and don't even attempt cleaning!

Ignoringequally · 04/11/2020 20:10

Although in recent years people seem to aspire to delegate more and more aspects of life to 'experts' and professionals. They want to have personal trainers, get treatments done at spas and salons, they have cleaners, hair is done by hairdressers

I pay for those things because I prefer it when other people do them. A hairdresser can cut my hair better than I can. I enjoy facials and massages. I don’t have manicures or pedicures as it’s not important to me, I just keep my nails short and clean.
Doesn’t mean I can’t cope if those things aren’t available. I won’t cut my own hair, I just won’t have it cut until hairdressers are open again. Everything else can wait too.
Outsourcing things doesn’t make you less resilient. It just means you’ve figured out what you’re happy to pay someone else to do and what you’re happy to do yourself.

willowywillow · 04/11/2020 20:27

Outsourcing things doesn’t make you less resilient. It just means you’ve figured out what you’re happy to pay someone else to do and what you’re happy to do yourself.

No, but it can lead to less resilience if you find life difficult without these services. If you have no developed skills in these areas you have to cope with doing without.

Some people find resilience in having tolerance for going without. Some people find resilience by going on to develop skills in those areas they previously outsourced.

However, if you are already skilled in all the things usually outsourced you will be comparatively more immediately resilient. Life goes on for you with less adaptation necessary.

rookiemere · 05/11/2020 07:48

Being self sufficient in this current set of circumstances is probably helpful- although hair dye has always been available so no need to resort to tea bags unless you really feel you have to - but not sure it impacts on resilience generally.

In non coronavirus times when I struggle, I try to reach out to my friends. Not to moan much, but to go for a walk, meal or theatre or cinema. Those are perfectly normal time tested coping strategies and I'm not sure that being completely solitary should be recommended for peak resilience. In fact during lockdown once we were allowed outdoor meetings with others, I perked up a lot.

willowywillow · 05/11/2020 10:35

so no need to resort to tea bags unless you really feel you have to

It's not resorting! I initially chose it because it doesn't involve having to use the known irritant chemicals chemicals contained in hair dyes and I actually prefer the results. There is no blocky colour. The stain is transparent and the natural tone gradients show through, Smile

I'm not sure that being completely solitary should be recommended for peak resilience.

I think if you have developed an enjoyment of solitary activities this is a perfect adaptation for lockdown. But perhaps not for other situations such as if you have to stay with lots of people for some reason. Peak resilience for all situations would include the ability to adapt but also being equally happy when life remains the same and not becoming bored by this.

lazylinguist · 05/11/2020 11:23

you know run of the mill people bored because they can't do a hobby, saying they have mental health problems because they may not be able to go to a party at Christmas

Do you honestly think there are many people falsely claiming to have genuine mental health problems on the grounds that they can't go to parties?

There was a thread ages back about what we mean by 'mental health'. Some people thought it was a term that should only be used when referring to people who are mentally ill. But 'mental health' isn't synonymous with 'poor mental health'.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to talk about how things like the pandemic affect mental health in general (as in how mentally healthy people are), without the need to accuse people of falsely claiming to have mental health problems. Surely recognising that certain things get you down (e.g. being unable to see family and friends) is the first step to finding ways of building more resilience in yourself?

Sitt · 05/11/2020 11:34

Hmm. The self-reliance thing is great, but there are only so many hours in the day. Telling a family who is struggling because suddenly they are expected to homeschool (and it has long been a completely reasonable expectation that formal education of your children is something done by experts outside your home), work full time jobs from home, plus run the house during a time when goods and services are more difficult to acquire and organise “well you shouldn’t have farmed out the skills” etc isn’t really fair. It took many people to near breaking point and clearly many were resilient enough to cope for the time required but cannot bear the thought of much more, quite understandably. That situation is unsustainable. Talking about cutting your own hair etc doesn’t really come into it

Ignoringequally · 05/11/2020 11:45

@Sitt

Hmm. The self-reliance thing is great, but there are only so many hours in the day. Telling a family who is struggling because suddenly they are expected to homeschool (and it has long been a completely reasonable expectation that formal education of your children is something done by experts outside your home), work full time jobs from home, plus run the house during a time when goods and services are more difficult to acquire and organise “well you shouldn’t have farmed out the skills” etc isn’t really fair. It took many people to near breaking point and clearly many were resilient enough to cope for the time required but cannot bear the thought of much more, quite understandably. That situation is unsustainable. Talking about cutting your own hair etc doesn’t really come into it
Yes, I agree taking about cutting and dying your own hair is largely irrelevant. I don’t need the skills to cut and dye my hair as I am happy to just wait until someone is permitted to do it for me. However being in circumstances I never could have anticipated (trying to work full time from home, home school two older children and care for a baby all at the same time with no support, while a close relative was terminally ill) aren’t things I could prepare myself for beforehand. Isolation wasn’t an issue for me... I didn’t have a minute to myself for months and months.
willowywillow · 05/11/2020 11:58

Telling a family who is struggling because suddenly they are expected to homeschool (and it has long been a completely reasonable expectation that formal education of your children is something done by experts outside your home), work full time jobs from home, plus run the house during a time when goods and services are more difficult to acquire and organise “well you shouldn’t have farmed out the skills” etc isn’t really fair. It took many people to near breaking point and clearly many were resilient enough to cope for the time required but cannot bear the thought of much more, quite understandably. That situation is unsustainable. Talking about cutting your own hair etc doesn’t really come into it

I certainly wasn't advocating that! Just musing that on a societal level, specialisation inevitably involves relying on people! And even if you were self sufficient, in the traditional sense, you would be reliant on having fertile land, good health and good weather!

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/11/2020 12:26

What I have realised is that no matter what life has thrown at me I have coped, got a new plan and got on with everything.

But I have in my adult life always had friends to see and go out with. Especially since dc have been teens, even if it is only once per month I have tried to go out somewhere with loads of people around with dd and Ds and have always come back feeling energised and looking forward to the next weeks and feeling like I could cope with anything

With the lockdowns and generally the pandemic with SD either the venues aren’t open and you can’t get in the thick of a really crowded place anymore, there is nothing to look forward to and I am struggling to adapt.

I hate being at home with nothing to do. I am sick to death of taking a walk. None of us are that bothered about this virus as we more than likely have all had it so can’t really catch it again or spread it.
Everyone we know has had it. So why do we have to act fearful of this virus.
Why can’t we just get on with things.

PhilSwagielka · 05/11/2020 15:26

@willowywillow

@PhilSwagielka regarding the hair, I have a long hairstyle. All I do is put it in a pony tail on the crown and cut the end off. For the front layer I put a pony tail at the front and cut the end off. That's it!Grin But it sounds like you do great. There are lots of able bodied people that exercise less than you and don't even attempt cleaning!
I just tie mine back. It's shoulder length right now, so manageable, but it's also quite thick. I shed as much hair as my bloody cat!
psychomath · 05/11/2020 19:18

I'm sure pretty much everyone on this thread would agree that being a massive drama queen about not being allowed to sit in Costa, if you hadn't otherwise been affected by the pandemic and everything else in your life was going well, would demonstrate a lack of resilience. Likewise most people would say that someone who'd lost their job, spent months locked down away from their partner, couldn't get cancer treatment and didn't know when they'd next see their family living abroad, could still be considered very resilient even if they sometimes found it hard to cope with all of that. I think where we differ is in our opinion of where the majority of the general population falls on that spectrum, which probably depends mostly on the people we happen to know.

PizzzaExpressWoking · 05/11/2020 22:53

I have a seriously disabled relative, so stick your patronising comment up your arse.

And I actually AM seriously disabled. So stick your patronising "just go for a run ffs" comments up your arse.

SunnyCoco · 05/11/2020 23:53

@Dinosauratemydaffodils my life experiences and timelines are spookily similar to yours.
Sending power to your soul x

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