To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

@MaxNormal

"Resilience" in 2020 seems to be a way to shut down and undermine anyone distressed by being in a difficult situation. Normally closely followed by references to the war.

Yep. I swear I am fed up to the back teeth of people bringing up the war as a way to shut people up.

@emilyfrost

Children need to be brought up into resilient adults.

At the moment parents are bringing up snowflakes who aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with the world because they’re offended by everything, hence the mental health crisis.

Mumsnet in a nutshell.

Glad to know you think mentally ill people are snowflakes. That’s a really helpful attitude.

I agree that more resilience is needed.

As evidenced by the very vocal minority having hysterical conniptions about being forced to save thousands of other people's lives via this lockdown.

You can learn resilience skills. We have done very useful courses at work.

@Kidneybingo

Can we separate actual mental health issues from resilience please? I suffer periodically from severe anxiety and depression. When it is bad, I can't function very well, but I get better, pick up the pieces, carry on working, raising family etc. That makes me resilient, in the same way as a person dealing with diabetes or severe asthma is resilient.

Yes good point

@grassisjeweled

Allowing your kids to fail and letting them realise that Not giving them a certificate at every opportunity

Well there’s certainly no certificate for that sentence!

Younger generation = snowflakes is such a load of aegist rubbish too. I’ve had a career where I’ve worked for mostly retired people and goodness me, some of them were very helpless when it came to doing things for themselves. I’ve also worked with teens, tutoring those that were struggling with GCSEs - many were very determined to work hard and succeed. Dds year group have just completed Duke of Edinburgh expedition - excellent for resilience - the local cadet group is also very popular.

@picklemewalnuts

I think resilience is about flexibility. At the moment we need to be so flexible- you can't plan because what is possible changes constantly.

At the start, when it was difficult to get food deliveries, the ability to be flexible made life much easier. We could go without bread and milk and eggs if we needed to, just find different things to eat.
If you usually exercise at a gym, finding ways to recreate the experience at home.
If you see your family every Sunday for a dinner, something social replaces that.

Some people have severe restrictions on their flexibility- either internal, people with autism, food allergies, or external- budgets and housing.

We need to be flexible to the best of our ability, it really helps. You can't just rage and give up that your usual things are changing.

And yes, I know it's exhausting. I like things predictable too. We have to be solution focussed rather than problem focussed, though. Horrible jargon, but it's true.

This is really insightful, thank you. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do on a practical level - work out what helps me in ‘normal’ times, then see how I can flex what works to adapt to the lockdown rules.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I read this on a thread the other day & I hope Lilac won't mind me reposting it. It really made me stop & think.

31/10/2020 10:36 lilacmoon78

I saw a post yesterday which made me feel a little bit more like I could cope with everything.
It said:
"Every day I try telling myself, Keep working, because when this is all over, you’ll be glad for the work you’ve done. It’s like the long winters of the past, when the granaries would slowly empty and people started to fear spring would never come again: during the dark days, you do things. You repair your tools. You enjoy each other’s company. You sing old songs and write new ones. You make ropes and nets and weave blankets and do anything you don’t have time for in the summer. And it’s hard to do it and hard to stay hopeful, but that way, when spring comes - and spring does come, spring will come - you can start working in the fields with a brand-new plow and good boots and a head full of songs."

I love this, thanks for sharing.

Plenty of teens have shit to deal with. Rape, poverty, disease, death, abuse, hunger, violence, homelessness, alcoholism, caring for parents. They don’t all have charmed lives.

You are either resilient, or you are not. I guess you could maybe train yourself to become resilient? I’ve had a tough life with numerous heartbreaks and disasters but I always bounce back and see each day as a new opportunity.

I think it's cumulative myself. Depends how much has come your way. Where it came from. And whether you had much support. But yes, a lot of it could be avoided if people were generally nicer.

Yes everyone has their breaking point. Stress might build resilience but trauma can just break the system.

Totally agree about people being nicer. At my lowest after xh left, a parent saying hello at the school gates could prevent me from crying for a few hours (that sounds a bit pathetic but it’s true)

Yes I am all for everyone trying to be nicer.

This thread has given me lots of food for thought, it has been interesting to read the constructive and thoughtful comments.

Once lockdown is upon us I will try to summarize in one post. Could be a challenge

The most resilient person I know has faced very few if at all challenges in her life. She is however the most determine, headstrong and positive person I have ever met.

@dontdisturbmenow if she’s never faced any challenges then how can you possibly know that she’s resilient?

Come along over to one of the fibromyalgia Facebook groups. Tens of thousands crippled by chronic pain and fatigue. Mostly the result of long term abuse. Regardless of personality type, income or education.

I would say that many of us with ongoing mental health struggles are actually far more resilient than those who have never suffered inner torment. Because we have kept going, often through decades of mental suffering.

I have a secure home lots of support around me , not financially rich but we get by and last few years have been in a better place than previously
I consider myself generally a resilient person normally had bad op for example that all went wrong but I got on with things
But none if that helped when i suffered mh issues out of the blue last year that hit me like a train

A lot of people really don't understand what resilience means or the fact that it's a spectrum and not linear with no resilience one end and tough as nails at the other.

Everyone has a different ability to cope with things that depends on numerous factors genetic,environmental,physical ,mental ,emotional etc. That's your stress bucket. It has a spout at the bottom that releases little drops as you learn to cope with them,let them go etc. Depending the type and levels of stress you're under your bucket might have a continuous flow,be half full,overflowing or anything in between. Add even more stressors or significant trauma and it becomes too much. That's ok. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't mean you lack resilience.

We forget a lot of the times that coping isn't always done in healthy ways, so what we see as resilience is actually toxic or self destructive behaviours.

TBH, quite a few of the people on here that pride themselves on being resilient and sneer at others for being weak ,"snowflakes", lack character etc have the emotional intelligence of a spoon. No wonder they're "resilient ".

Also preventing people from having a whinge,moan,rant etc when needed does not build resilience. It builds shame,resentment,self loathing and makes people feel like they don't matter,their feelings don't matter and they have to hide. They're not worthy of your time. They have to fake it and smile through it all.

99% of the kids I work with feel better/sort out their issues themselves after having a chat/moan/tantrum/cry , recognising their feelings ,having them acknowledged and telling them it's ok to feel the way they feel.

Its normal to feel overwhelmed in such trying circumstances but barring those with diagnosed mental health problems it really isn't insulting to suggest that yes have a moan, be pissed off but don't wallow. Try to find something positive and just lower expectations.

'think resilience comes from overcoming hardships and difficulties in life and facing adversity. Those who've never experienced hardships and are cushioned are probably not that resilient, they've never had to be'

Totally agree < I repeat, barring those with diagnosed mh issues> many people have lived very charmed lives so not being able to meet their pals in Costa is the worse thing they've experienced.

many people have lived very charmed lives so not being able to meet their pals in Costa is the worse thing they've experienced.

Does it make you feel better to feel so dismissive of people struggling with lockdown?

Has anyone ever used "coffee in Costa with pals " as the one single stressor for struggling with lockdown?

'Does it make you feel better to feel so dismissive of people struggling with lockdown?'

No, as I've just said it is normal to feel overwhelmed however (barring those with an actual mental health illness) many people are just wallowing instead of trying to find coping strategies. I can guarantee those that have experienced tragedy and serious illness really aren't bothered that primark is closed for a month.

I disagree that resilience comes from adversity.

I have overcome a lot of bad things in my life on my own. I have been at rock bottom. I still dont think I'm a resilient person.

To me resilience is biological

It's complicated. Resilience comes from a combination of genes, upbringing, life experience and luck imo. You can't make people resilient, but there are things that might help people develop more resilience I guess.

That post quoted from Lilac upthread about living through hard times in the past is one of the best things I've read on MN for ages. A really comforting and hopeful message.

No one knows why they think they are resilient, is because of a difficult childhood? how do you know? there isn't an alternative you to compare.

I had a tough childhood, perhaps an even tougher early adult life, it hasn't made me resilient, perhaps a little more understanding of the struggles others have.

My DD has had an easy life, wanted for little, she did sport xc running mainly and is amazingly resilient as are most of her friends (19 or 20yo)
The least resilient people are many of the adults i know, most of whom drink and eat to excess and like nothing more than to rubbish the achievements of the young.