To think we need to find ways to improve people’s resilience

[thewitchesofprestwick]

Already so many people are struggling with their mental health. Things are going to get worse for the economy and the physical health of the population, whether we lockdown or not. Jeremy Farrar of the Wellcome Trust indicated that we are out of good options. Then in the background we have the effects of climate change. How do we equip people to cope better day to day? AIBU to think that there is something we can all do?

Sorry, my post was meant to quote rorosemary’s, but the quotation disappeared.

@Smallsteps88

Thinly veiled whinge about people who are struggling when you think they should just “buck up”. It comes from a nasty place within you.

Concentrate on yourself OP. And if you don’t like that? Try working on your resilience.

I think (at least hope) you've misunderstood the OP. I THINK the post comes from a goid place.

I THINK s/he wants to know what we can do to HELP people cope better through this next period (in particular)

I don't think it was meant in any way to put people down.

At least I bloody well hope not.

@thewitchesofprestwick

Thanks those of you that gave thoughtful, non judgemental replies. My question comes from a place of witnessing how stretched resources are to support mental health, and to figure out what we can all do. I have to work now but will return later.

I personally though your intentions were good.

I'm not sure what we can do, but I'm open to ways to help.

One thing that some people have said helped them have been nice threads on MN.

The usual suspects like dog photos, baking, gardening and my 💕the people on the Woolly Hugs threads.

But also the one offs like

• something good that happened today
• post pictures of your cosy throw
• what's your favourite xyz

Whatever, just nice threads, without any bitching & nastiness

Plus what MN does best. Handholding on threads when people are going through tragic things or need to gather some strength to deal with 'life'

I agree with this article

"People who might be classed as emotionally “strong” – the stiff upper lipped – are more likely to end up with depression or PTSD than those who recognise their need to express their feelings,’ consultant clinical psychologist Sally Austen told The Guardian last year.

The stiff upper lipped are more likely to end up with depression or PTSD

And that’s a lot of us in Britain, as a 2013 study by Benenden Health found that six in 10 people regularly put on a brave face to avoid being a burden. It's something Prince William also spoke out against in 2017, saying that we have inherited the damaging mentality not to talk about our problems from generations dating back to the war.

It doesn’t just impact our mental health either. According to a separate 2013 study by University College London, maintaining a stiff upper lip can also prevent early presentation for cancer symptoms as British patients fear wasting doctors time more than those in other countries.

Essentially, this idea that our problems are insignificant in the face of others, that we should ‘get on with it’ regardless of how we’re feeling has fueled many a mental and physical health crisis"

I read this on a thread the other day & I hope Lilac won't mind me reposting it. It really made me stop & think.

31/10/2020 10:36 lilacmoon78

I saw a post yesterday which made me feel a little bit more like I could cope with everything.
It said:
"Every day I try telling myself, Keep working, because when this is all over, you’ll be glad for the work you’ve done. It’s like the long winters of the past, when the granaries would slowly empty and people started to fear spring would never come again: during the dark days, you do things. You repair your tools. You enjoy each other’s company. You sing old songs and write new ones. You make ropes and nets and weave blankets and do anything you don’t have time for in the summer. And it’s hard to do it and hard to stay hopeful, but that way, when spring comes - and spring does come, spring will come - you can start working in the fields with a brand-new plow and good boots and a head full of songs."

I hear the complaints and I agree that some people do use resilience as a buzzword to dismiss people's struggles.

I dont believe that's what the OP is getting at though. Weve relied on people building physical resilience where possible to stop A&E attendance for example previously e.g. weve got more self care guidance online, weve got the traffic light posters in every GP surgery to tell people when they should seek help.

Does something similar exist for mental health?

Obviously, if its serious, healthcare should be sought (as it would be for a physical accident or emergency) but sometimes self care at home can be appropriate and effective.

Posted too soon.

In terms of coping with a horrendous, unusual, difficult time, we're all in the same boat. Everyone is struggling to some extent and if we are all able to help one another, if we are able to build some confident in our own capabilities and resilience, perhaps this will be a little less bumpy

I completely agree with PPs who’ve said that “be resilient” is often a mean and nasty way of saying “Buck up, stop making a fuss and just get on with it”.

Soldiering on regardless is not necessarily the best way - like the Roadrunner going straight over a cliff edge, you can only keep running for so long before you find there’s nothing to run on any more. I learned the very hard way that refusing to recognise a problem and adopting a “just keep going” standpoint was the very worst thing to do. The problem with stiff upper lips is that they’re brittle.

Dismissing people’s very real struggles, whether it’s job/money worries, loneliness or just an overall fear of the situation, is unacceptable, particularly when normal coping mechanisms have been removed. Painting them as weakness is even worse.

I think a large part of true resiliance is knowing how to cope with failure/that failing isnt the end of the world. However, by that logic its also important to know that failure to be resiliant is OK.
I've seen a lot of people really suffering because their sense of themselves as resiliant people has been knocked by how they reacted to the pandemic. I think its fine to have days when you can't cope sometimes, to seek support if possible and then to carry on as best you can. I think if we want to be resiliant as a society then we need to be willing to support people when they ask for help, and ask for help ourselves when we need it.

'You repair your tools. You enjoy each other’s company. You sing old songs and write new ones.'

But this is the whole point. In times of adversity people come together. Work together. Comfort each other. Get together as a community. Eat drink dance sing, as much as they are able. To lift the spirits.

That part is not possible at the moment. Putting our arms around each other is not allowed. No raising your voices in song at a sports event. No going out dancing smiling laughing.

I get that a lot of people are perfectly happy with that, but for those who draw on it for strength- that there are still high points- it's a real problem.

You see pictures of children out playing together, in in wars all over the place. Our children aren't allowed to play together.

That sort of thing is basic for humans- we're social animals.

Just saying oh they're weak (which is what those who say people lack resilience actually mean) is comforting to those who say it. But what does it actually do to help? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Very well put, @NiceGerbil

How on earth can someone make a judgement or comment on another person's resilience?? Nobody truelly knows what is going on in someone else's head or their experiences in life.

Oh and the 'suck it up and get on with' comment from Ylvamoon regarding children. How many times have I listened to sneery parents, that by pure luck have children with no learning or health issues passing judgements about others that may be struggling in some way and not able to just 'suck it up. What a horrible attitude.

People that can openly admit they are struggling should be applauded not accused of having no resilience.

@Feawen

Surely that’s a question of empathy, not resilience?

I feel sadness for those whose lives Have been lost or limited by war, on top of my own sadness about my current situation. I don’t think “oh good, I have a better life than those poor sods, I can be happier now I’ve thought of that!”

Whereas I think: this life is so much better than my grandparents had in the death camps. I'm sheltered, warm, fed, safe. It's not fun (god it's not fun) but it will take less time than the war did and I still have a lot of freedoms. I can go for a walk, or a cycle. I can call people with my telephone. I'm largely ok here. This time will pass and we'll be ok after. Just need to get through the next couple of months and in spring there'll probably be a vaccine meaning that we can get a few more freedoms back. It will get better.

I don't think it's empathy. Maybe it's holding on to positives?

I think resilience is a bit of a misdirected term for the circumstances, but I think I know what you mean! It is just that you have a very specific direction in terms of what you want resilience to look like!

There are 4 strategies that people use to build resilience:

• Through social support networks (get by with a little help from your friends)
• Through having purpose - clear direction and goals
• Through being adaptable (both in mindset and actions)
• Having confidence in your own abilities to 'come through'

If you look at each of these areas, the way in which the pandemic is presenting itself, truly tests how you can use these strategies.

So for example, social support. This is legimately a way in which people build their resilience - sharing, advice, chatting, exploring. The pandemic has put a massive problem in the way of us using this strategy as we literally cannot see people. So what happens is people very legimately and rightly say that the need to see their support networks to remain resilient - and they can't, or if they do they are subjected to ridicule and shaming.

Look at purpose - so many people who had hopes and goals for their jobs, careers, businesses and they have been shot to pieces by the uncertainty. This erodes one of the key strategies to remain resilient.

Again, look at adaptibility which is all about how you think about bad events - actually a truly resilient person would probably not be following the rules because they would be finding ways to adapt to the newly adverse conditions. They wouldn't just sit back and take it if their life was being destroyed - they would be thinking of new ways to survive if their business was going down the drain.

So, yeah, resilience is really key in life, but what you see in the pandemic is that the draconian measures have limited the ability to remain resilient, and also that truly resilient people will probably be doing things that are very reasonable strategies to stay resilient in normal times but now they are not 'MN authorised' rules and so you'll see it is not so simple as saying 'be more resilient'

I'm a great believer in the therapeutic properties of a good moan. I suspect that a lot of people who may seem to be lacking in whatever resilience is, are just offloading their stress, anger and worry, so they can then get on with whatever they have to do to get through this.

I wish my friend had moaned to me instead of hanging himself. Had I known that his wife was not only abusive but also had dementia, I would have broken lockdown to go and get him. Had he not been so ashamed at not "coping" then he might have called me.

What has helped me is working out what I can do with what I have, and doing exactly that. But it's easier for me because I have plenty of everything except money (plenty of children, a husband, land, space, hobbies etc). I wouldn't dream of projecting my circumstances onto anyone else.

I feel it is my duty to ask "what can I do to help these people?" rather than castigate them for not being like me. Perhaps the failure isn't in the individual but in the community, and those of us who can, should be reaching out more in the ways we can, to those who need us.

@NiceGerbil

'You repair your tools. You enjoy each other’s company. You sing old songs and write new ones.'

But this is the whole point. In times of adversity people come together. Work together. Comfort each other. Get together as a community. Eat drink dance sing, as much as they are able. To lift the spirits.

That part is not possible at the moment. Putting our arms around each other is not allowed. No raising your voices in song at a sports event. No going out dancing smiling laughing.

I get that a lot of people are perfectly happy with that, but for those who draw on it for strength- that there are still high points- it's a real problem.

You see pictures of children out playing together, in in wars all over the place. Our children aren't allowed to play together.

That sort of thing is basic for humans- we're social animals.

Just saying oh they're weak (which is what those who say people lack resilience actually mean) is comforting to those who say it. But what does it actually do to help? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Absolutely this. I'm usually resilient as in I can be in hard times or difficult situations and work through them and know that times change. But those moments of light relief have been largely absent for 7+ months. A hug from friends/ family has got me through grief. A holiday in the diary has got me through a tough phase at work. The drive of good grades and the opportunities they bring have got me through tough phases when studying.

Having life stripped of purpose, relationships and no forseeable concrete events in the diary is making me crumble a little bit, by bit. Some days are better than others, but it gets harder to find the internal drive to bounce back.
And I'm not alone. Most other people have something out of balance in their life. Can I have a healthy vent about being purposeless to a friend struggling with being relentlessly overworked. I'm fortunate not to have to worry about material things like job security, and providing life's essentials. Most of us are struggling in some way and there is less to spare to prop eachother up, much less the opportunity to do it face to face, and sometimes just a silent hug will do.

Resilience is about not giving up in the face of challenge, but to keep existing through this isn't really an option. It's not like failing or dropping out of a course (and that's not automatically a bad thing either. Many people find new, better opportunities after).

Allowing your kids to fail and letting them realise that
Not giving them a certificate at every opportunity

I would say there are lot of elements to resilience. There is the inner personal element, which does require having overcome obstacles, a sense of being competent, and a sense of rootedness of some kind, personal value, a sense of meaning in life, a sense of being able to persevere when circumstances are bad. I would also say that childrearing changes over the last few generations have made it harder for kids to develop some of these capacities.

There is also societal resilience. It includes things like support networks, family networks, making sure those who are vulnerable and in trouble can access help. We've undermined some of these too, the mobile workforce for example means many people don't have well developed support networks, not only for material help but emotional support.

My thinking is these work together to support and reinforce each other. Strands of both have been undermined over a period of decades which is a problem.

I think resilience comes more easily when you decide to not be too harsh on yourself. The recognition that some people are simply overly and non constructively critical helps. Allowing yourself to dismiss overly critical views. Not feeling obliged to compare yourself to others or compete with them. Recognising there are very few things as an adult you need to ask permission for, writhing the bounds of legality of course. From there things are easier. You can actually let go and enjoy the good things in life. Make positive moves forward and celebrate your small steps towards a goal whatever that goal may be.

Thats a really good point, I never linked 'not depending on the approval of others' with resilience before.

I agree with PP who say that resilience comes from within, is a skill best learned in childhood, and comes from overcoming adversity and learning to tolerate a manageable amount of unpleasantness.

You seem to see resilience as something confined to individuals and their mental health and their responsibility alone.

Resilience needs to be built into our systems, our societies. Sometimes no amount of personal resilience will protect you if systemic and societal structures are not resilient or not there at all.

I don't think you can teach people resilience, op - not in time for the shit show that is winter 2020. I think you could probably, usefully, talk about self care and how small steps, regularly taken, can amount to something more useful - could be of benefit but the kind of resilience that is required to bottom out of resources and options and keep your cool while the world around is scrambling is a long, hard won and precarious life skill.

'I agree with PP who say that resilience comes from within, is a skill best learned in childhood, and comes from overcoming adversity and learning to tolerate a manageable amount of unpleasantness.'

As this thread shows, resilience (keeping fucking going no matter what), can indeed come out of difficult times as a child.

A few posters on here have shared what happened when they were young, that made them resilient.

How do you define tolerable though? And if it's something that's pretty bad, who administers these resilience growing situations? Hunger, pain, abuse.

And how is the difference between resilience and a brave face teased out? The difference between feeling positive and burying negative feelings? The difference between some things are bigger than me so I'll just keep at it, and feeling worthless and there's no point in asking for help?

It would be good to see some more solid examples of how to build resilience because I'm guessing that people don't think it's a good idea to subject children to neglect, pain, rape in order to achieve it.

And if it's the case that people who have been exposed to utter shit are the most resilient, because they are damaged. Is that something to look to as a good thing?

It's how boarding schools worked in Victorian times. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Make them stand on their own 2 feet. Ignore the tears. Toughen them up.

All this vague oh we need to build resilience in adults/ children. Examples of how to do so please bearing in mind the above.

IMO the first step to developing resilience is knowing you’re loved. From that you can develop self-acceptance, learn ways that actually help YOU, and above all have faith in your own ability to get through. It isn’t “strength of character” so much as self-belief. So it’s not surprising that teens are less resilient than 40-something’s, they’ve had less time to be independent.

Outside of work, the things we HAVE to do take less time (Washing machines, dishwashers, more ready-made food, etc etc), so it’s much harder to motivate ourselves “keep busy” than it was perhaps 50 years ago.

You can’t magically make mental illness go away by shouting ‘man up, you wet weed’, which is what I assume you mean by encouraging resilience.

I tried that approach. It did not end well. Being mentally ill is not a sign of weakness.